Feeling So Alone and Need Some Support

[msktaylor0207]

i havent posted in a while. but im really finding myself feeling alone and with no one around me who can support me. so i hope to find some kind of support. my husband is FINALLY in an inpatient treatment program. its been almost 4 years since he got back from iraq, and for the past year and ahalf i have fought tooth and nail to get him the proper help. and have met resistance every place i turned. but anyways, the issues i am left with now is that i have ignored all my issues since my life has been 100% consumed by him and support him, and helping him. up until july of last year, physical violence was anything but a fear, it was on and off apart of our lives. he was arressted in july, which was the wake up call we needed that slapped us in our faces and told us ENOUGH. and my fight became one that no one wanted to stand in my way. i became a fired up BLEEP and wanted to know why my husband was not in treatment and why nothing was done to prevent us from causing harm when his counselors knew our prior violent history. which we were doing pretty good, going over 7 months with no physical violence. but someone with so much anger can only go for so long without help. flashbacks are uncontrollable and most of our fights were from a flashback of his. not all, but most. the rest were just because he would get out of control anger raging inside and his reaction would be to fight, because thats what years of training tought him to do. and i was the first thing in his way when he came home from a stressful angry day at work.

but anyways! thats a rough short story. my issue now is that I have issues. i havent even talked about some of the stuff with my counselor, because he cant say he understands. i want to know that there is hope for spouses who have taken and dealt with beatings and abuse. i want to so badly get over my issues with this, and sometimes i think i just deny that its not affected me, but it has. its hurt my soul. how do i begin to let it go? has anyone else gone thru this? and stayed? i love him and care about him more then anything, and i dont blame him 100%. ive fought way too hard to quit on him and ive been his #1 supporter and want to continue to be, but at what cost.

and then i talk to his family, and everyone is just concentrating on HIM. and what he went thru in iraq, and when i try to talk about ME, it doesnt matter. it doesnt matter that hes caused so much hurt and pain and they want him to get out of the treatment that i fought so hard for him to get into. my husband didnt fight hardly at all, i would ask him if it was what he wanted and he said yes, but i had to do all the work to get it done. and now theyre saying its not best for him. they live in alabama, we live in alaska. they only talk to him a couple times a month. but they think they know what hes needing?

and then theres his suicidal thoughts. i cant help but think its me that is not worth being around, enough to make him not want to live. suicide is the most selffish thing ever. and it doesnt take away problems, it creates 100 more.

i kind of feel like i did when my sister and i got into a bad car accident 8 years ago. no one, including our own parents, completely forgot i was in the car. and that i remembered every traumatic memory of it. and that because you cant see my pain and injuries, im emtionally scarred. thats how i feel with his family. they dont want to except that their son, and brother has caused so much pain on someone. that its easier just to focus on him and not us as a couple. i know i probly sound greedy or selffish, but PTSD just doesnt effect 1 person, especially when issues have gotten so violent and past just nightmares and flashbacks.

he needs all the support and help he can get, but so do i. and i dont know whos there to give me support when he and his family are too busy with him.

[Jim]

Sounds as though you have some trauma yourself. You have a therapist? Might be a good idea to get one if not. Need to work through your own issues - regardless of family support.

Argh. Just read again, and you do have a counselor. Shit. Helps to read carefully I reckon. :doh:However. If things aren't well with the therapist, perhaps a) you need to reveal more or, b) you need a different therapist.

Jim.

[jolene]

I can relate to how you feel regarding the inlaws. The only thing that helps me is to try and remember that it's their "little boy/brother." They probably aren't going to be quick to see the pain his actions are causing you and may not understand just how much support you need right now. As for what's best for him, you are his wife, you are around him, you live with the effects every day. You see the havoc it reeks in both your lives. It's hard to take the in laws' criticism, but try to do so with a grain of salt. Even though the intentions are good in telling you it's not what's best for him, frankly, they can't possibly know at this point since they are so far away and have limited involvement in your lives. Get all the support you can from the board and try not to take their lack of support for you too personally. I know it's hard, but it's one more pressure you just don't need right now.

[Kathy]

Hello again Msktay, lovely to have you back. Very good news that you husband is finally in inpatient treatment. Well done for helping him through that, I know it was a very long process for you both.

I seem to recall when we chatted last, that you had been diagnosed with PTSD and depression? Or I am recalling wrong? If that is so, Jim is correct, you do need to be in some form of treatment yourself, if you not already. I know you say you have a counselor, however I wonder if the counselor is suited to you, considering your diagnosis and what you have been through? Additionally if you have PTSD, you have support here, there are many sufferers upon this forum who will chat with you and be of support.

i havent even talked about some of the stuff with my counselor, because he cant say he understands.

Why do you feel the counselor does not understand? Do you mean in the sense of not having been through the same as yourself, or do you mean that he is unqualified? You do need to be honest with a counselor, otherwise there is little point in going. Perhaps you should look into finding someone with whom you feel more comfortable?

Regarding the beatings and other abuse you endured, that is most serious. You do need to deal with it, for your own happiness and the longterm success of your marriage, as you say you wish to remain married. I have not been abused in exactly the manner you described; however when my husband was drinking he was verbally abusive, threatened to strike me and the children, and was also unfaithful to me. From personal experience Msktay, I know that hanging on to resentments is very damaging. Women's shelters often have programs with counseling for women who have been abused in this manner. Have you any such programs where you are? Perhaps try calling a local crisis line to see what is available?

It is indeed unfortunate that the in-laws are not being as supportive as you like or at all, however that is not uncommon. Jolene has given you some excellent advice in this regard. Perhaps also they are simply uneducated about PTSD and its effects on the entire family? How much do they know of what has gone on in your household? As you say, they are in Alabama and you in Alaska, that is quite a distance so obviously they do not see everything that is occurring between yourself and your husband. They only see what the two of you reveal to them! On the surface it may seem very much like your husband is the only one with issues. Do they know of the beatings, or other things you have gone through? Regardless, you must care for yourself whether you receive their acknowledgement or not.

and then theres his suicidal thoughts. i cant help but think its me that is not worth being around, enough to make him not want to live. suicide is the most selffish thing ever. and it doesnt take away problems, it creates 100 more.

I doubt he is thinking you are not worth it. It is very common to have suicial thoughts or ideation with PTSD, especially in the early stages of treatment. It may seem selfish however do remember your husband is ill, in much pain, and likely not thinking clearly. If he is suicidal, he is likely thinking about relieving his unbvearable pain, not hurting you. It is part of the illness and will improve if he works upon himself.

Please do keep posting here Msktay, and take good care.

[msktaylor0207]

I do have a counselor, well i did have 2 at one point and 1 of them wasnt doing anything at all. just starring at me and made me feel really unconfortable. so i stopped seeing her. and i have my next apt tomorow. i was originally sent to this counselor because he is lisenced to give domestic violence training and stuff, but its been 4 months, and we havent talked once about domestic violence. he used to be my husbands counselor about a year ago, and i would go with my husband to see him, so i guess im just so used to talkig about my husband that i forgot how to talk about ME. he tries to get me to talk about whats goin on in my body, and life, but my body and life is helpig my husband and i know i need to change that and include myself. its just who i was raised to be, so its a struggle.

my counselor does not understand because hes never been in situations like mine. hes a vietnam vet, so i know he understands those parts of it, but as far as being in my shoes, he could never understand. hes one of the top PTSD counselors in alaska, so i know im in good hands. i just need to add other people into my support system that can help me with feeling not so alone. especialy when it comes to the abuse. i still havent met anyone who has been abused because of their husbands PTSD and flashbacks, and stayed married and worked on it. i refuse to go to civilian womens shelters for the fact they are "victims" and they dont have programs that are associated with PTSD. my husband was not in any way shape or form, violent before iraq. and thats where our circumstances take different roads. im not a victim, and i dont have any resentments or hold blame against him. (to a certain extent). ive been searching for military wives, or people and programs that can relate a lot more then a civilian can. and to me, that means a lot.

his parents and siblings know of the beatings. its hard to hide an arrest and court trials. and they say they are grateful that ive stayed and been so strong thru it all to help support their son and brother, but they dont understand the way PTSD controls lives. they think all he needs to do is talk to someone who can relate and thats it, its cured, its done. and ive tried to tell them, hes done that and its not a cure. just because he talks about it, doesnt mean it goes away and its off his chest. he hasnt told them much about his issues and what has happened over there. ive tried to let them know things, without details, so that they can try to help and know why he doesnt certain things.

i talked to him this morning, and he made me feel a little bit better, i wrote down questions to ask him to kind of put my mind at ease. he said that he knows he needs to stay there and try to get something out of it. and that his family doesnt know what theyre talking about when it comes to what he needs. sometimes they think a little too highly of his sisters husband, who was special forces and went to iraq.

i found a story/article last night that just made me cry for hours. if you ever have time (cuz its long) its almost identicle to the way ive felt during all of this. its not 100% like my story, but its pretty close. its about a vietnam vets wife: patiencepress.com/samples/2ndIssue.html

my husband apologized this morning and said hed try to be more supportive of me and my issues, but as much as i want and need his support, i just want him to concrentrate on his treatment and getting better. we have 4 months of treatment, and were only on day 5. so we both have time to learn new things and let go of some of our past.

i will also be flown down there for a 1-2 week family counseling session. hopefully 2 weeks so i can get more out of it. and we can be there together and soupport each other

[Kathy]

my counselor does not understand because hes never been in situations like mine. hes a vietnam vet, so i know he understands those parts of it, but as far as being in my shoes, he could never understand. hes one of the top PTSD counselors in alaska, so i know im in good hands.

Ah. Thank you for the clarification. However Msktay, as you say yourself, he is a top PTSD counselor in your area, so you should be as honest with him as you are able. To be frank, it is not necessary for him to personally identify with every aspect of your trauma / situation in order to be a good therapist. As long as he is able to guide and challenge you, and give you the tools to help yourself, that is sufficient. It is not necessary nor possible for him to understand everything. To use an analogy, if you had cancer and went to a cancer specialist, would you expect that doctor to have had cancer himself to fully understand and relate to you? Of course not. You would only want him to have the skills necessary to treat your illness. If your counselor has those skills, it does not matter in the slightest what he has experienced in his personal life.

i refuse to go to civilian womens shelters for the fact they are "victims" and they dont have programs that are associated with PTSD. my husband was not in any way shape or form, violent before iraq. and thats where our circumstances take different roads. im not a victim, and i dont have any resentments or hold blame against him. (to a certain extent). ive been searching for military wives, or people and programs that can relate a lot more then a civilian can. and to me, that means a lot.

Do not fall into the trap of thinking everyone in your support circle must be in the exact situation as yourself to understand and/or support you. You may have noticed that upon this forum, there are no categories for different types of trauma, i.e., combat, rape, and so on. There is an important reason for this. As a military wife myself, I know there are some differences, however; to use myself and this forum as an example, I have derived just as much support and understanding from non-military individuals as I have from those with military experience. When it boils down to it, it matters not how we or our loved ones acquired PTSD. Others here have been abused by spouses, and their spouses were not in the military. If you look only to other military wives, you will be missing out on a wealth of experience. Additionally, by only associating with the military, you run the risk of concentrating on the wrong aspects, and ignoring the heart of the matter. And truthfully, no one, regardless of how similar their life story is to your own, can fully relate. We are all individuals.

It is up to you of course Msktay, and if you feel the women's shelter is not the the right place for you, that is valid. It may not be. However do make certain you are not judging others based solely on whether they have military connections or not. You are missing out if you are not open to all who have suffered the effects of PTSD, regardless of the cause of trauma.

sometimes they think a little too highly of his sisters husband, who was special forces and went to iraq.

Whilst it is not correct, this makes absolute sense. With war occurring at the moment, anyone who is serving is automatically considered a hero (and rightly so!). It does not make your situation any easier, however it does explain matters somewhat. It is encouraging though that your husband supports you in this and admits his family is wrong. That is the important part.

Thank you for sharing the link. I will read it, though I suspect it is something I have already read, as I enjoy Patience Mason's writings immensely. I wish you much good luck with your trip, take good care.

[msktaylor0207]

i dont really think or want everyone in my support system to know exactly what im going thru, and i dont expect my counselor to know or understand what ive dealt with, but it would be nice to have at least one person. I have no one that can relate to my sitatuon, so it makes life very lonely in that aspect. i can talk all day long to people, but to have that one person that can truly understand, would make healing just that much easier.

i dont think that because someone doesnt know what im going thru, it doesnt take away their ability to help or just be there to listen. i have 2 great friends that listen and help me out, but when i feel alone when it comes to some aspects of our situation, its hard cuz i have no one to talk to. they can only help so much by listening. having a true understanding i think is the key part of therapy that ive been missing. and thats from everyone, my friends, family, counselor, everyone as a whole.

its not that i want to only surround myself with military. i actually have pulled away from military , moved away from the base and hardly go up there and have only a few military wives as friends. but its the PTSD part that i want to be incorporated in any abuse training or counseling. the classes that the civilians wanted me to take were ignorant to the fact that PTSD was a major issue in our family and denied that PTSD had anything to do with the abuse. which to me, completely turned me away from their "treatment" or help. and their ignorance is the main reason i refuse to try their programs. i will find something that works for me, not something that someone else thinks will work for me. i go to the vet center for counseling, and if later i find something that works for me, whether its military related or not, as long as it has an understanding of PTSD, i have no problems trying it out.

PTSD seems like its a relatively new concept or problem that local communities havent had training on, which is probably why ive had to stick closer to military related programs. i would love to find something closer to me, since i dont live near the base anymore. i hate the drive and have canceled apts because of the weather. and i would like to not have to do that. i wish my local community was more open minded and that they didnt make me feel the way i do about their programs. but when someone isnt educated, they become ignorant. and its a let down to us who are having these issues, but i dont feel secure enough in their programs that they offer.

[Kathy]

the classes that the civilians wanted me to take were ignorant to the fact that PTSD was a major issue in our family and denied that PTSD had anything to do with the abuse. which to me, completely turned me away from their "treatment" or help. and their ignorance is the main reason i refuse to try their programs.

Ah OK. That makes sense. It is unfortunate they do not consider the PTSD an issue, as that is incorrect. Unfortunately there still is much ignorance regarding PTSD, especially in more isolated areas. I understand your frustration, as my family lives in a very remote area. Are you stationed in Alaska for much longer? I suspect it would help your search somewhat if you were living in a more populated part of the US.

In any event, much good luck to you. And as I mentioned previously, if you indeed have PTSD yourself, you may derive support from this forum, if you wish.

[msktaylor0207]

my husband is due to get out of the army in september. but depending on things and situations, we are intending to stay here in alaska. however, if we found somewhere that we loved more, and that also could help us both and provide us with more resources, we both have said wed consider moving. we love alaska, its the most beautiful and peaceful place weve ever seen or been, but at the same time, whats the point if the lack of resources has made us miserable and not wanting to enjoy where we are. but thank you for your open minded support. and understanding. im getting ready to take my kids out for a day at chuck e cheeses and just get out of the house and socialize.

[wildcritter44]

:hello: Hi MSKTAYLOR0207,

My name is: Donna (aka wildcritter).
My husband use to be on the forum as: Ranger. He is a disabled Army Ranger Airborne. He had a parachute collaspe 70 ft off the ground. He is alive and doing very well considering his fall. He was on drug interdictions runs in South America. (Well, not according to the military we weren't there), but the truth is the 82nd Airborne Rangers were and were involved in things that truely hurt them. (Physically and emotionally).
Ranger suffers from PTSD, flashbacks, night terrors, depression, fits of anger, and suffers chronic pain in his low back, hips, knees and ankles..
We are still going thru the process of getting him 100% disabled, currently he is at 60%.
I wasn't his wife while he was in the military. He got out in 1997 and we met in 1998 and were married in 2000. So I kinda knew a little bit about him.

You said your husband wasn't violent before he left. Once you both learn what "triggers" him to "lose it", that will help you both to avoid some of the issues at hand. The night terrors are the ones I find very difficult because he's a sleep and I had to learn how to wake him up without getting hit or scaring him to death. I learned that they in "their unit" would sleep with their ankles crossed or would rub their ankles together to wake the other one up. This helped me -- avoid getting hurt... Knowing you are Looking down the wrong end of a gun (hearing the action click) in the dark can be scarey as all hell...and you pray and talk to them is a calm voice repeating yourself until you pray you get thru.
Therapy will help you both.. with the right therapist... no doubt..

YOU ARE VERY BRAVE AND VERY LOVING OF YOUR HUSBAND FOR STAYING WITH HIM THROUGH ALL OF THIS. :thumbs-up

It is not an easy road. Feeling alone is IMO normal. The family not understanding the situation from afar is very understandable. My husbands family lives within 20 miles and they DO NOT UNDERSTAND ANY OF IT. Or may be believe it, I truely don't know which.

If your husband believes anything close to what mine does... They are afraid of continuing to put us through hell, is what my husband told me.
He also didn't believe he was lovable because of things he had done "over there!" He also hates living with the faces (in his mind) of things that happened over there. It's like a disease that slowly eats away at them.
I am often afraid when Ranger gets depressed of suicide. So I am glad your husband is getting help.

I will pray that you BOTH get better.

Hugs to you :Hug_emoticon:

Take Care

Donna

[klmn]

Hi there Msktaylor,

You sound as though you are really hurting and feeling really alone, I'm sorry you are having such a rough time. My heart goes out to you.

But there are some things in your email that confuse me.. I am hoping it is okay to ask some questions... (they may not be the ones you want to hear).

Re: "I still havent met anyone who has been abused because of their husbands PTSD and flashbacks."

I am not at all familiar with combat related PTSD, so I might be off base here. But I do have PTSD from abuse, and I've been battling it for a long, long time so I'm familiar with most of the symptoms. I might be wrong here, but I am pretty sure that having PTSD does not make your husband abuse you. Rather, it makes your husband very, very angry and rageful - but he still has a choice as to what to do with that rage. If I am wrong there, somebody, please correct me. I think it is important not to let him use his trauma as an excuse for bad behaviour towards you.

Re: "i refuse to go to civilian womens shelters for the fact they are "victims" ."

Or, maybe could we instead see them as brave women who have taken an enormously positive, but difficult step, by fleeing violence and breaking free of the cycle of domestic abuse?

Another question... If this treatment program doesn't work, and your husband hurts you again after he has come home, are you planning to stay? Have you thought about some sort of deadline, after which you maybe say to yourself that you can't keep sacrificing yourself for his well being?

Very last question... Let's say the treatment works and your husband never harms you ever again... will you be able to feel safe with him?? I can't help thinking that it would hard not to be on edge and on guard, because once you've been hit ... you never really can know for sure that it won't happen again can you??

I'm sorry if this is abrupt, or makes you uncomfortable, it is not meant to be hurtful or harmful in any way. I hope you find a way out of your pain.

KM

[klmn]

Hi all,

I'm wondering what has happened to msktaylor? Are you out there? Are you reading this? Let us know how you are doing.

[Kathy]

Earlier in the thread, Msktay had said she was being flown somewhere for a 1-2 week counseling session. She did not say when exactly, however perhaps she has already departed.

[klmn]

Good thinking! Thank you for saying that. I was worrying a little.

[Kathy]

KM, for further clarification, Msktay has been around for a while; she is not a new member by any means. She is quite a busy person and I often do not see her for weeks at a time.

[msktaylor0207]

sorry its been a few days. i havent been home that much. trying to stay busy and when i am home, i tend to clean or organize.

im trying to catch up on posts and stuff too.

but as far as PTSD making him abusive. i think its kind of hand in hand. his flashbacks and situations that trigger the flashbacks have caused him to abuse. PTSD is just in there with that. as far as anger and irritability. its is most definatly his responsibility when it comes to taking action and hitting. but at most times, he doesnt even realize what hes doing. hes off in this world that is hard to bring him out of. at first it began with me hitting him back or smacking his face as tho to get him to snap out of it and realize its ME, his WIFE. and not the iraqi that was attacking him.

but by no means have we ever used it as an excuse or to make it ok. its never ok. it just took us a very long time to realize that. even tho the whole time we both knew better. its never ok. and last year i drew the line.

as for the question about the victims of DV shelters, the way i was treated by the state workers, was like i should be acting like a victim and i personally have never felt like one and wanted to be a survivor. i have nothing against people who go to the shelters, they do what they feel is best and there is nothing wrong with that. its just not for me at this time in my life. later, maybe, but right now, its not. our situation in my eyes, as well as from what my counselors have said and agree that we are not living the normal "cycle of dv" and that it is based on his mental health issues and PTSD. its not an excuse, i guess more of an explanation. and also the more reason he should be getting treatment.

people would look at my story and wonder do i feel safe. and i dont think unless someone was me, they could ever understand. my thought process has always been different then my peers. and sometimes thats hard for me, cuz it makes me feel so alone. but i feel safe with him. i know 110% he would never hurt our kids. and im not going to say the same about me even after treatment. you never know. but its not that i dont feel safe.

through our fights, i had to adapt. and unfortunatly the bad side of it, is that when we would fight, it wasnt just him hitting me. i learned to defend myself. and i have done a good job at it. but thats where we both are trying to change and learn from the past. and never want to go down that road ever again. its going to take both of us. and the good thing about it is, that its up to us. we have control over it. it helps us both to know we are supported and to have help when and where we need it. my husband got upset before he left to treatment because i told him about my "what if" plans. the what if we fought again, what if he hurt me again, what ifs. he thought i was going to leave and i told him, i cant do it forever. if things got to where they were last year, i HAVE to leave. if not for me, for the kids. right now theyre too young to even know whats goin on, but theyll be affected if it happends now or later. and i cant have that. but im not scared of being hit. i was in the army, went thru the training and it just really hasnt scarred me like peolpe think it would. it was easier for me to be hit sometimes. and i got to where i prefered it. but thats when he wouldnt do it. if i had a bruise, i could see and feel the pain. emotional hurt is hard for me cuz i cant see it. and sometimes dont know its there until it builds and adds up. a bruise you can ice and it heals and is gone. emotional is so much harder to heal. and i have a lot of emotional issues from before i met him. so it just wasnt good for either of us. and ive learned that its just not ok to get physical no matter what.

its ok about your answers. sometimes it makes me upset, but no one could ever possibly begin to understand our lives. some try to, but just dont get it. and thats ok. i have hope that a year from now, ill be looking back and saying weve put sweat and tears into making this relationship what it is today. and that we got over what a lot of couples cant or wont. and some may not agree, but my friends that i have here, back me up completely 100% as well as him. they know hes not a vicious violent person. hes just been trained to kill and has killed in order to stay alive, and now doesnt have the abilities to shut the switch off. and he needs help. with love, support, and patience, i beleive he can make a huge life change and learn alot from treatments. he will be at this program for 4 months, then come home for i think they said 3-6 months, go back for 30 days, come home for 3 months, and then go back again for 30 days and so on... to make sure hes getting "maintance treatment" i guess is what some of them call it. and then well both im sure be going to counseling together as well as individual.

i hope my answers dont make anyone mad.. sometimes peoples response to my story seem really harsh and demeaning, but its not affecting them and im not to make anyone mad. its just the unfortunate 4 year happenings of my life. that are forever changing. im happy to say that it has been since july of last year that he put his hands on me, other then to hug and hold =) so at least theres some positive!