Not Entirely Sure I Belong Here

[ratnerstar]

Hello everyone. Like I said, I'm not really sure if I belong here, as I'm not an "official" caregiver or anything. Still, I would very much appreciate any advice.

Three months ago I started dating a girl who I've come to care about very much. Obviously, we're still in the beginning phase of our relationship. Recently, she confided in me that some time before we met, she had been raped, tortured, and left for dead by a previous boyfriend. She's in therapy for PTSD now, although she doesn't feel that it's doing her much good -- in fact, she thinks it's often counterproductive, in that it dredges up memories that she'd rather forget.

All of this is very difficult for me to deal with. Usually she's warm, vibrant, and funny, but then she'll suddenly turn withdrawn and depressed. She has trouble sleeping at night and certain common things trigger terrible flashbacks. I feel very deeply for her, but have no idea how to help, which drives me nuts. Sometimes I wonder if this relationship is healthy for either of us.

So I guess I just had to get some of this off my chest. Thanks for listening.

Tom

[Kathy]

Welcome Ratner, it is lovely to have you. Whilst you may not be an "official" carer as you say, you do belong here, as you are close to someone with PTSD and have questions. You have come to the right place, we are happy to help.

She's in therapy for PTSD now, although she doesn't feel that it's doing her much good -- in fact, she thinks it's often counterproductive, in that it dredges up memories that she'd rather forget.

Your girlfriend is mistaken in believing therapy is counterproductive or not doing much good. On the contrary, if she is feeling badly after therapy that is a positive sign. It means her therapist is truly pushing her and getting to the heart of the matter. Therapy is not meant to feel good, it is hard work and the PTSD sufferer will feel much pain during the healing process. Many attend therapy for years and never make any progress, and this is largely because the therapist does not push them to deal with painful memories and so on. So, it is very good your girlfriend is dealing with it so early on. Please encourage her in this, if you are able. She will feel very ill for a time, however if she works through it and does not give up, she will feel far better in the end. Additionally, she is fortunate that she remembers her trauma. Some do not remember everything and this interferes with their healing.

What can you do to help? Well, to begin with, learn as much about PTSD as you can, as knowledge is power with this illness. The information sections here upon the forum contain many good articles on PTSD. There is also a Carers information section which offers suggestions on dealing with your PTSD sufferer. Everyone's situation is slightly different however. Much of what you will learn will be based on trial and error, at least I have found that to be so personally. Continue to ask questions here, of other carers and also of the sufferers, as they have very good insight.

Once again welcome, and I look forward to chatting with you more.

[Jim]

Welcome to the forum Ratner. Hope you enjoy your time here.

Jim.

[Nicolette]

Hi Tom.

I concur with what Kathy has said. I hope you can find what you are looking for. There is a lot of useful information to learn from reading and interacting here, even in the PTSD section from reading what the suffers themselves have to say.

Welcome :smile:

[samsara]

I have been searching for answers, and feel like this forum may have a lot for me. I am in love with someone with PTSS or PTSD,I'm not sure which, but I think it would be the latter from what I have read and experienced. The feelings you have are very similar to how I felt when we were first together.
We have an intuitive connection and fell in love quite quickly. But it did all fall apart very quickly, I'd advise to remove any drugs or alcohol from the equation for a clearer picture.
We're getting back together two years later. I still love him and the feelings have not gone, only stronger. But he has not gotten therapy yet and won't be able to do so for practical and financial reasons.
If you are feeling emotionally strong, you will have a lot to give. CBTherapy always has to get worse to get better. Our mind is a series of drawers, and it is very strong/clever, and sometimes, it hides the keys to a lot of pain.

It's very frustrating to not be able to know what to say or do when things are bad. It's like trust is such a major thing for him, and I want to show I care, but I feel like I ned to leave him alone to fight his demons, yet I don't want to. I know that's confusing. I'm glad to find others similar to me here.

[Jim]

Welcome to the forum Samsara. Hope you enjoy your time here.

Jim.

[Kathy]

Welcome Samsara, lovely to have you on the forum. You are very correct about therapy needing to get worse before it gets better. However, there is definitely a light at the end of the tunnel. We have experienced this with our daughter, who has worked through much of her pain and is now doing splendidly well! I wish the same for you and your partner. It sounds as though you are on the right track attitude wise, which is an excellent beginning.