New Here - Long Distance Relationship with PTSD

[blueeyedgirl]

Hi, after perusing this site for a couple days, I thought it may be helpful for me to post. I'm involved in a long distance relationship with a man with ptsd. We've known eachother for about 2 years now. Shortly after we first met, I moved over 1000 miles away - so most of our stormy off/on relationship has been long distance.

He's currently on inactive duty, awaiting full seperation from the Army next month, and working as a contractor on base. He's also served in Iraq twice. I'd speculated that he may have ptsd after some erratic behavior, and sure enough - last year he finally got diagnosed with it. The doc gave him anti anxiety meds, but months later, he was still having trouble coping. After having a major panic attack, he went to the VA and is currently on anti depressants. I believe its Celexa. He's been doing great for the past few months - until the last 2 weeks.

As I mentioned, we've had an extremely stormy relationship: we get close, he pulls away, or acts like a complete jerk. We started talking again right after Thanksgiving - he said that he was lucky to have had me and he wants another try; said that he's a happier, calmer person now, and wants to be happy with me. He flew me down there and we had an amazing time. He was kinder, and sweeter than ever. I was so proud that he was getting help and could see the difference. But, over the past couple weeks, he's gradually started pulling away again. Gone are the sweet texts during the day. Which has me wondering if he's just playing games. But, this behavior is also consistant with ptsd. Well, last week, he had another bad panic attack. Called the doc, and doc told him to up his meds. I don't know if it's helped because I'd not really spoken to him. He's not called or returned my texts. So, I thought maybe he just needs space. I'm all for that. I respect a person's need for space, because I often need it myself. But, I'm also unsure. Maybe he just doesn't want to be with me, and doesn't know how to tell me? I sent him a short, succinct email telling him that I felt something different between us, and I was unsure of whether he still wanted a relationship. Or that maybe he's just stressed, and that I'm here if he needs someone to listen.

It's been 2 days, and nothing. Which is out of character for someone who used to message me all day, everyday, and call at night. If he is just needing space, how long does this usually take? Is there anything I can say to make things more comfortable for him? It seems like whenever he opens up about it, I try to be the fixer person, offering advice, and it only annoys him. So, apparently, that's not the way to go about it. But, I love him so much it hurts. How do you deal with this??

[Kathy]

Welcome to the forum Blueeyedgirl, lovely to have you. We have much information about dealing with PTSD in loved ones, so you have come to the right place to learn and receive support.

I haven't much time to answer fully right now, I will come back to this. Briefly though - you mentioned that your boyfriend is on medication. Aside from that, is he in any kind of therapy? It sounds as though he could benefit from that. Medication alone is seldom effective.

[blueeyedgirl]

Thank you for your quick response!

No, he's not in therapy. He would like to be, but because he's a government contractor, he's unable to take much time off work. I'd mentioned it the other day, but he said that right now, having some place to live is more important than how he feels. I tried to relate saying that I hate taking time off work for those kinds of things. Clearly the wrong thing to say - he got annoyed and said that its not that he doesn't want to, it's that he can't.

He's had some financial troubles recently, not to mention car issues, etc, so I'm sure he's stressed about it all. I should have seen it coming - about 1.5 wks ago, he called off work bc he said he needed to relax and take some time off. But, because he doesn't have any PTO right now, he had to make it up later in the week.

I wish I could be there for him. Take him to therapy myself. But, he's got to be the one to do that. And, I'm afraid he won't until it gets unbearable for him. It's odd though - how he seemed so calm and happy. And, somehow he's a totally different person. The meds were really helping and they've seemed to poop out...

[Kathy]

This is my third time trying to reply...it keeps getting deleted...

Blueeyedgirl, your messages are not being deleted. I can see them all. However, because you are a new member, you are currently under moderation, so the messages do not appear until they are approved by an editor, such as myself. This is not a slight against yourself but rather the way we protect the forum from spam and hateful messages. After a short while you will be removed from moderation and henceforth any messages you post will appear immediately.

For clarification though I did delete the 2 messages after your first as what you were saying was identical.

[Kathy]

No, he's not in therapy. He would like to be, but because he's a government contractor, he's unable to take much time off work. I'd mentioned it the other day, but he said that right now, having some place to live is more important than how he feels.

This is understandable. If he must move or relocate, that is likely stressful enough for him at this point. One thing at a time, so to speak. PTSD sufferers can only handle so much stress at once, especially when their PTSD is not managed. Perhaps once he is more settled he can begin therapy. Unfortunately medication is not sufficient, as you are discovering.

I wish I could be there for him. Take him to therapy myself. But, he's got to be the one to do that. And, I'm afraid he won't until it gets unbearable for him.

Yes you are correct, going to therapy must be his decision entirely, though obviously you can support him in it. Unfortunately you are also correct that he may not go until things become unbearable. Many need to reach a "bottom", a certain breaking point, where they cannot stand how they are feeling any longer.

It's odd though - how he seemed so calm and happy. And, somehow he's a totally different person.

Well, not so odd really. Quite common with PTSD. Their mood can change drastically depending on the circumstances and their stress levels. It can be a difficult thing to adjust to though - I speak from personal experience! :rolleyes: The good news is though, if he does receive treatment in the form of therapy and works dilligently upon himself, his moods will eventually improve.

[Jim]

Welcome to the forum Blueeyedgirl. Hope you enjoy your time here.

Jim.

[anthony]

Welcome to the forum...

[Nicolette]

Welcome aboard the Carer's section Blueeyedgirl. There is a lot of support on offer here if you need it.

[blueeyedgirl]

Thank you all for your support!

Things seem to be getting better. He keeps talking about me moving down there and in with him. I've got a great, very well paying job here, and would have vitually no prospects down there for similar income. But, he says I worry too much about money - that he makes enough to take care of us both. However, when I address the specifics, it's like - he'd prefer to not talk about it. Almost as if the idea is better to discuss. It's frustrating! Not to mention, should I give up my good paying job here (with no real life, or friends) to move back there (with no job and all my friends)? So much going on here in my mind...And, how would i live with his ptsd?? Is it harder being long distance? Because of all the misunderstandings? Or living together always dealing with it??

[Kathy]

That is quite a dilemma blueeyedgirl. No one can tell you whether to move or not. Perhaps you need to list the pros and cons of each decision and weigh them in your mind.

I will say though, moving in with someone is a huge adjustment regardless of PTSD. And with PTSD, especially with someone who is only beginning treatment upon themselves, it is far more challenging. You do need to consider carefully what you are getting yourself into!

Could you go for a visit and assess the situation? Have at least a taste of what he is like to live with? Or, if you were to move down there, perhaps stay with friends rather than living with him initially.

[blueeyedgirl]

Well, after the last two miserable days of feeling depressed and lonely (I, myself am suffering with depression, but it is hugely controlled with Effexor...not to mention, I have NO real friends here), I decided that moving back 'home' to the southeast may be the answer - not necessarily moving in with him.

So, I called him today to tell him the good news - I'm thinking of moving back! He seems completely unaffected. Not to mention, he said nothing like, 'hey, why not move in with me?'. So I asked him what he thought about it. He said 'good, but you're just thinking about it...i think about alot of things...'. I was like, 'umm ok'. I tried not to be hurt, but could only feel my heart break. I was torn between saving face and ending the call, but my curiousity wouldn't let me. I kept thinking that if I stayed on the call a little longer, I might gain some insight into his response and might not be so hurt. He did say that he couldn't talk about anything really serious because he only got like 3 hrs of sleep last night. I tried to understand but couldn't - I mean, I understand how a lack of sleep could affect your mood - but that seems a little extreme.

I finally ended the call. Then my fingers got the best of me - I texted him. Feeling like a fool and just wishing to erase the whole thing, I said, "Just forget all that stuff I said about moving. Bad day, I guess". He replied, "Ur starting to change how I think about you". I asked what he meant. He said that I was acting crazy - saying one thing and then another. I told him I was just homesick and hated to think of ms. strong me being lonely up here, and that I hoped for a different response. He said he was happy, that he guessed I didn't hear it. I then told him I missed him. He then got pissed. Said I was doing it again - one minute sending him an 'f u' message, the next, saying that I missed him. I tried to explain, but he never responded. I called, but he never answered.

I feel like an idiot. I've been sooo incredibly emotional lately because I've just been feeling lonely. All of my friends are back down south, and I'm here. And I just want to be told something nice. And he doesn't even do that anymore. It all makes me wonder what I'm doing anywhere...

I can deal with just about anything. I have. But, it hurts to feel rejected by the one person I really want to feel love from the most. And, I can't just walk away. I can't. I've tried. So, in the meantime, I have to somehow ride out this lonely place where kindness and love should be.

[Nicolette]

I am sorry for your pain blueeyedgirl and the struggle you are going through.

As much as I don't want to cause you further pain I feel I should point out you are making most of the effort in what seems to be a one-sided relationship. Being a female I can relate to what you must be experiencing and the emotional roller-coster ride you seem to be on. The best advice I can offer you at this stage is do not make contact with this man and see what he does. I am aware that a situation where you are texting and ringing with no reply is usually a good indicator to back off and give him some space. While I understand what you have written about what you did it could possibly come across as if you are all over the place emotionally and some men don't do well with that.

Please take care.

[Kathy]

Blueyedgirl, I must agree with Nicolette. From what you described in your last post he does not seem very interested. Now whether that has something to do with his PTSD being largely untreated or it is simply him, it is difficult to say, however does it really matter? I would most definitely not make any decisions or sacrifices regarding him at this time. If you wish to move back, do so because wish to be with all your friends, however not because of him! I agree with Nicolette that backing off to see what happens is likely best. Take good care.

[blueeyedgirl]

I can certainly see how this would appear to on-lookers (as him being disinterested) and truly value the advice.

Later in the evening, he called me back - as if everything was perfect; even had an excitement to his voice. Naturally, I just chose to roll with it, and not bring up whatever weirdness had happened earlier. I again reiterated my decision to move back (just to make sure he knew I wasn't flip flopping) based on missing those closest to me, period; and that I was really excited about it. He seemed the same.

I asked how his meds were going and he opened up...alot. And, somehow, I did, too. I told him of how I'd been struggling with my own depression this week. He said that it was strange for him to hear me talk like that - to basically echo his feelings of doom sometimes. I even heard him sniffle a bit! Shortly after, the subject turned lighter, but it was with some sense of appreciation for each other. I think I've been so wrapped up in trying to be this stable, perfect person that it's begun to frustrate him - he can't relate - and me - I can't keep up with my own facade. Most people would never know (from meeting me) that I have a difficult time even wanting to wake up some days. I finally shared it with a man in my life - aside from a doctor - and it seems to have made things better.

I just hope it all stays good for a while...

[nyc]

Doing the long distance thing with someone with PTSD is not the easy. Think very carefully about if you want this in your life. Things will not improve over night.

[Nicolette]

I just hope it all stays good for a while...

To me, this comment says it all! Is that what you want to settle for?

[pastrychefarmywife]

i am only new here, but not new to the dating era. I don't know if the PTSD has anything to do with his personality. He verymuch seems to play to your emotions, if you get upset, then he waits, calls, and makes you feel better, so they you call , he don't return them, you get upset, he waits, calls, ..... do you see the routine. i only say this because i have been the 'third party' in many of my sister and my mothers relationships. just watching from the 'outside', seeing what emotional rollercoaster they are on, and when i say something, it comes out as 'i am the bad guy'.

i hope that he gets his therapy, but first, think of yourself. you have to fix yourself before you can help him. I would start going to a local crafting session, or scrapbooking, something you really like. I am sure that there things in your area that you like. OR try something totally new!! if you never gardened, get a potted garden that sits on a window seal! it is quite amazing to see those little things grow!!

i really hope i haven't offended you, but i want you to realize that you are more important right now, take care of yourself first. Then you can help him.

[blueeyedgirl]

Pastrychef - You spoke as though you knew us. You're right - our relationship has had a long history of doing that push/pull. And he does seem to find some kind of enjoyment out of provoking my emotions. Although, he'd deny it.

Just the other day, when he called (he's been distant for going on a month now) and he said that he knew I was mad at him for having not called latley. I just said that I've been very busy (I go to school part time and work full time). It was as if he wanted me to be upset with him.

Anyway, in the course of the conversation, he tells me that he's been taking steroids to get more muscle. Said he's been doing it for about a month. I try not to freak (though I am on the inside!) and ask him why he'd want to do that. He explained that he's only doing it for himself, that he's hit a plateau physically, and wants to get over that, that he'll only be doing it for 12 weeks. I'm still extremely concerned, I tell him. He then tells me that he's only joking, he hasn't started yet, but that he is going to start doing them, and not to worry - that his other friends have had no side effects. If he has been doing them, than that could explain the change in him. But in my mind, I can only image that wrestler, Chris Benoit, who killed his wife, son and himself because of 'roid rage'. No doubt the presence of anti depressants and anti anxiety in his body only triggered something for him to come unhinged like that. In this same conversation, he'd also told me that that morning he'd called in late to work because he was suffering from a late night out with friends the night before. This is the third time his called in within a month! But, he seems to not even notice or care. Thinks its ok, I suppose.

Well, I'd had bought myself half of a ticket the other day to visit him for v-day (told him that he could by the other half, but he said he didn't have the money, so if I could pay for it, he'd pay me back. I wasn't thrilled at all, but silently agreed). I haven't been able to find another decently priced one-way, so I msged him the next day telling him that I don't think that the visit will work out. He barely responds to that. I question what he means, and he doesn't reply. Doesn't even seemed concerned that I'm not coming.

After not hearing from him later that night, I msg him again telling him that this feels like its turn into games with him. He replies, "if you say so". I told him that he hasn't told me for weeks now how he feels, so how am I supposed to feel about that? He doesn't reply. That was Friday night. It's Sunday. Somehow I don't expect to hear from him until tomorrow or Tuesday. I feel like he's waiting me out.

My question in all this is: Is this anything remotely closed to behavior associated with ptsd? Or is he just being a game playing ass? In the beginning he tried to assure me that he was not about games, that he knew what he wanted, and he wanted me. Now it just seems to be the fartherest from the truth...

[Sapper]

Short answer? Sounds like he's playing games to me. PTSD isn't an excuse for poor behaviour on his part. Just my opinion though.

[pandora]

I agree...sounds like head games to me.

[Sairadance]

Hi there! I am new to the forum and it was a relief to read your post. My relationship in far newer than yours but has a similar thread. My boyfriend has had help previously and is on meds..but could use therapy again. The long distance is very difficult for me as well. I have been told so far, that giving him distance is good, but how did you keep your mind together while you were wondering if it was over?? I need help with that. I think it's awesome that you have stuck in there.

[blueeyedgirl]

Saira, welcome! I am rather new as well, and this has been a great place to really get some insight.

I'm sorry to hear about your issues, but perhaps there is a trend here ... that this weird behavior is ptsd related, and that these men aren't just jerks who are playing games. To be honest, I have moved on. I haven't heard from him in about two weeks. Any contact I've attempted to make with him has been futile and I am simply unable to keep throwing myself under the bus. There comes a point when you have to respect yourself enough to say enough and walk away.

If you don't mind sharing, what's been going on with you and your boyfriend?

[Sairadance]

Hello again. I am sorry to hear that your relationship didn't work out. I do think you made a wise decision and Kudos to you for taking care of yourself. Life is meant to be lived with joy, why do we cut ourselves short? I'm not minimizing the hurt and pain involved here....honest. You are a very brave woman and I thank you for sharing.
My BF is a cop and was undercover for years. Too long. He has had help but still has a ways to go. When he feels good, man oh man, look out! LOL. his parents and i are close and go snowshoeing every weekend. We all miss him. I'm not sure where all this will go seeing as it's still pretty new, but hey, I'm 40 and he's 37, we're not kids we seem to be so compatiable in so many ways. I am very affectionate, as well as he, in the beginning that is. When the stressors came, he started to shut down slowly. I didn't get it..but I am learnig. God I hope I haven't blown it! Anyway, thanks again for sharing. Hope things go well for you..you deserve happiness.

[pastrychefarmywife]

sorry it took me so long to reply to you blueeyed,

i have seen this senerio many many times, my mom comes from a extremely abusive past, and my sister as well. its easy as the 'odd ball' looking into a relation ship that i know was bad, but i was made the 'bad' one, getting in between my sister and her bf, or my mom and her bf. at one point, i saw my mom being druged by her car, her boyfriend had stolen her car, and she tried to get it back and he drove off, her attached by the seatbelt. she was drugged 100ft. my sister, i saw him literally 'brainwash' her. it was sickening. He would beat her, she would tell us that she rain into the door knob, hello!

I think that in your head, you know you need to move on, but your heart says no, he is a good person, when he isn't in his moods. and well, seriously, do you want to live the rest of your life, wondering what 'mood' he will be in when you call, or if you were to get married, when he comes home?

it is harder to move on than to stay in the relationship. your comfortable, regardless, you know his mood will eventually leave, and you get the 'happy' time together.

weither he really does have ptsd, or just playing games, he won't ever admit to you.

just think of it this way, you could be with someone that has 'happy ' times all the time, instead of guessing all the time.

i hate to be mean, and just 'lay it out' but you deserve better. YOU ARE WORTH MORE!!
feel free to email me if you want, just message me here, then i will send you my email.

i hope you are feeling better, i am sure, once you make a adjustment in the relationship part of your life, you will see other things get better as well!!!!!!

[Kathy]

Very well said Pastrychef!

[pastrychefarmywife]

ty kathy. i just hate seeing people go thru this pattern, its soooo hard to try to show them what its like from the 'outside'.

[samsara]

Sorry babe, he's playing games. He is being a selfish nightmare, and it's almost like he's getting off on making you feel as down as him -- that's not your shit, it's his.

Listen, I think the reason you can't get on with your new career life is because your head is so obsessed with what he is doing, how he is feeling, when he will next call, what does that message mean etc etc. I have been in your position, and as soon as I decided to look around at my life, I relised I was so much better off without him. I grieved, I got sad, depressed for a while. But I kept busy, and discovered life again and I'm sooo happy for it. I am a sucess now, career wise, physically, mentally. It was only after I left that guy that another door opened a year later to the guy I love now, and has PTSD, and he always treats me with respect and allows for my insecurities and respects my need for communication.

YOU DESERVE BETTER. Concentrate on yourself. If it is meant to be, he will sort his shit out, but I recommend you leave him for now, and concentrate on yourself -- he's making you feel like shit and you don't deserve to. Take some responsibility for your own happiness babe.

[blueeyedgirl]

Thank you Samsara!

Well, I did hear from him last night...

About 3 weeks ago, I'd sent him a text asking him to just let me know he's ok.

LAST NIGHT he msgs me, "Still alive here, thanks for asking"

I didn't know how to respond.... I mean, THREE weeks? It's like he wants to ignore the fact that he's been MIA and just move on. So, I responded, "k". Was that mean???

[Nicolette]

No, Blueeyedgirl, saying you are ok only is not mean.

The question I ask you is this (which I have asked you before).... is this really the type of relationship you want? Do you deserve a text message once every 3 weeks or do you deserve more? You have a say in this relationship too!

Sorry to be so harsh but I honestly think you need to seriously ask yourself these questions. I understand love and all that entails but at what price? You only have one shot at life so please think about your happiness too.

[blueeyedgirl]

I know that I deserve more. And if this is what a relationship with him means, than I don't want it. However, I did have a relationship with him (when we first met, before I moved away) that was healthy and open. It only seems like his ptsd has worsened to such a degree that makes it impossible to have a healthy relationship at this point.

The thing is, I remember those good times before the ptsd got bad and really started to show, and I know that he can be a really kind person. We had fun and it was great. But, little by little, he's changed into this person that I don't necessarily like all the time.

Even still, I do care...too much. And I want the best for him. I want him to get healthy. And if he does call (bc I'm not going to), then I'm going to tell him straight out that he needs therapy. Meds only mask the issue, making him think he's fine. And, obviously he's not.

[samsara]

Nostalgia can play some awful tricks on us when it comes to wanting love and wanting to be loved. What he used to be like and what he is capable of being like and what he is actually like appear to be particularly divorced from one another. Don't do that lame woman thing we all do - "Oh but he used to be so sweet, we used to be great" Wise up, it's past tense, full stop.

You really need to give your life where you are a good shot. stop worrying about him, he's being a game playing prick. PTSD or not, the way he is behaving is just pain immature and attention/pity seeking.You really need to concentrate on your own life. Start looking after yourself, wallowing in the possibilities of what could have been will leave you emotionally paralysed, it's not worth it. Look after yourself, to be blunt -- Get your own life and start to enjoy it. Sounds like you have a great job there, you're still quite young and there are endless possibilities there, start a yoga class, photography class, a sport, anything to get your mind off him and meet new people in this new lease on life you have.

Pay reverence to what Nicolette above me mentioned, you only get one chance at this thing called life and its up to you to enjoy it for all it's worth. There is a better man out there for you, there really really is. Now concentrate on your life there, I bet you really have not given it a proper shot because you have been so caught up in your boyfriends selfish manipulative world. he's no good for you or anyone right now. Don't wait in hope, do something about yourself, you're worth more than this crap.

As Beth Orton so eloquently put it in her song Comfort of Strangers:

"I'd rather have no love than messing with the wrong stuff".

Nuff said.

[Nicolette]

Good and valid points Samsara. I agree with a lot of what you have written.

Personally though, the one differring thought I do have is that I believe "it is better to have loved than not loved at all"....giving and receiving love is a wonderful thing. I do not however encourage staying in a relationship where you are not treated with respect nor have any of your needs met. If someone truely loved you they would not treat you like a doormat unless they have a really warped way of showing it.

[blueeyedgirl]

Well I did it!

I sent him an email telling him to go to therapy. Told him that he didn't need a relationship. Told him that he needs ... well heck, I'm so proud of myself....here it is!

"I'd call, but I honestly don't feel like it. This is really more than you deserve from me. So, let's call this closure.

Am I still moving down? Does it matter? I asked, but of course you chose not to respond.

You: Said you wanted to try again. Said nice things. Things that made me smile. Little by little, you stopped saying those nice things. Until you did stop. Only to respond to a concern for your well-being weeks later. Weeks way too late for me. Go to therapy. Medication alone is not a solution. Learn to like yourself. Learn to like others. Learn to stop being angry. Learn to be happy alone. Learn to give more than you take. Maybe then, you will be ready for anything close to what a relationship requires. Because, in the world of adult relationships, open communication, giving and compromise are necessities.

I'm sure the very thought of doing the things said above will make you want to do the opposite. But, just know that your unhappiness is ultimately your responsibility."

Thanks to you all for giving me the strength to say these things!!

[Nicolette]

Well done Blueeyedgirl in making a decision. While you now have said your peace, it is important that you follow through and look after yourself. If it is closure, then take the time to find it for yourself and move on...if that is what you truly want.

Take care.

[blueeyedgirl]

i have to admit - it *is* closure for me...as long as it's closure for him. meaning, there is part of me that is waiting for him to come back around. i wish that there wasn't. but, because it's been 2 yrs of back and forth, part of me wonders if it really is over... and, if he really does love me, wouldn't he fight to keep me? or is the ptsd too strong? ugh, i dunno...

...not to mention, i just got laid off, so now i'm moving back to georgia in three weeks and only hrs away from him by car. i've not told him.

[samsara]

THAT.IS.AMAZING!

I got all choked up with pride for you. You must feel like you've taken your self respect back, I bet it feels strong!.

That is excellent. Don't let him manipulate that either. He may do it with silence or words. Just be sure of your decision and move on into your life there. Sounds like you have some great opportunities you need to explore.

WELL DONE! xxxxx

[samsara]

PS> You don't need to tell him you are moving back. It's of no concern to him.
concentrate on yourself. Are you sure you need to move back? It's a big deal and very unsettling if unnecessary. Maybe you could find another job there?
Or go to a city you have never been to and always wanted to, Have a new adventure, start afresh?
The last two years may have been about him. Now it's time to stop him dictating what and where you go. It's your life now, enjoy it and nourish your spirit.

[blueeyedgirl]

PS> Are you sure you need to move back? It's a big deal and very unsettling if unnecessary. Maybe you could find another job there?
Or go to a city you have never been to and always wanted to, Have a new adventure, start afresh?
The last two years may have been about him. Now it's time to stop him dictating what and where you go. It's your life now, enjoy it and nourish your spirit.

Wow, you sound as if you know exactly what I've been feeling! Because, yes, I have to admit, the past two years since I've been here in Boston...well, they have largely been about him. So much so, that I've been unable to truly find a life for myself here. But, I also cannot deny that acclimating here has been extremely hard. I'm a Southern girl. That may not mean much to you in Australia, but consider moving to some place in northern Europe! Very cold, very different, and you don't know a soul. Not only that, but no one really cares to know you. That's been my life for two years!

I'm not close to my family, but I do have a few extremely good friends in Georgia. They are my family. So, I'm going back there. Actually, a girlfriend of mine is actually willing to break her lease just to get a place with me!

My moving has nothing to do with him. Although, I cannot help but think about how/if things would change once the distance is gone. But, that's really moot at this point...because he DOES need therapy. And, thank you for your words of encouragement! I simply couldn't wait for another month or so until I hear from him again to tell him what is so obvious. I just hope he listens...

Thank you again! :)

[Cowgirl]

Good for you, to look after yourself. PTSD does not have to mean a complete unavailability to a relationship, as it has with him. From your descriptions, I think he has more problems than "just" PTSD. I'm going to give you some unsolicited advice, though. Do not move near him. Do not seek out his haunts. Do not feed and nourish that part of you which hopes to rekindle anything with him. Instead, understand that you will grieve the loss of the relationship, even though it hasn't been happy and healthy for a long while. Give yourself some time to grieve, and time to heal. Don't launch into another relationship, but be open to casual dating. Get out and do things you really enjoy. Pursue hobbies. Get involved in groups that promote those hobbies. Meet interesting people of all ages, for friendship and camaraderie, not romance. Nurture yourself. Best wishes! Cowgirl

[samsara]

Could not have said it better myself cowgirl! The best advice on here.

[Nicolette]

Yes, good advice Cowgirl.