New Here - Advice Please on Boyfriend Who is Iraq Veteran

[confusedgirl]

HI all.
I am new here. I am hoping you all might be able to offer some advice to me because I am feeling very confused. My boyfriend and I have been dating for around two years. Before we began dating, he was in Iraq for a year tour. After we had been dating for a year and a half, he had to go for another tour...this time it is for 15 months. He is currently seeing a counselor (just began) and I personally think he has PTSD (even though I don't necessarily state that until a proper diagnosis has been made).

We had a great relationship...enjoyed spending time together, hardly fought and were so in love before he left. Even while being gone, we communicated regularly by email and talked on the phone once a week. Even though he was so far away, I never felt such a distance in my heart. Two months after he was there, he started talking to me about rings and discussing me within his future decisions. I was never the type to pressure him about the future (getting married or what not). However, we felt stronger than ever.

When he came home for R&R though, things turned upside down. He proposed to me and everything. However, I physically watched him go through things that weren't himself. He was very anxious, it was hard for him to be around a lot of people, he was depressed (hard to get out of bed esp in the a.m. and so forth), etc. He got so worked up that when he came back to be with me again from being at his home (after I left) where his parents reside...it got worse. He got very depressed and all. He ended up telling me he thought we should push the engagement off because he didn't understand what was wrong with him. That one day, esp, was harder than any other.

He told me that he realized the other thing he had felt daily over in Iraq was anger. Yet, says that he knows he cares for me. He has decided to get out of the army, but is so overwhelmed with where his life is going that it isn't funny. The day we pushed off the engagement, it was very sad. I cried and for the first time ever...so did he. He even got on the phone that evening with his father and started crying again. I had never seen him like that out of all the years I've known him.

He has been to the counselor a couple of times, but I feel at a loss. I know something really is wrong---this is not the guy I knew. He has been through a lot. His brother was in a terrible accident 6 months before his first deployment (I knew him then...but we werent bf/gf). So, I think he put that aside...bc the first time being in Iraq...he was out all the time...seeing things I know I'll never see in my lifetime). This time, he is on staff, but I don't understand how all this happened suddenly.

I don't know how to feel or how to help. He is angry at himself that I am hurting and needs me to be strong. I am trying, but am hurting myself.

I feel on eggshells sometimes because I know he needs me to be strong and can't give me a lot of answers when he doesnt even understand things himself. I know our relationship was not an illusion and we were very happy.

Please give me your advice.

Thanks,
confusedgirl

[Nicolette]

Welcome confused girl.

I am a little short of time today but I have read your post. PTSD is not easy and I suggest you arm yourself with as much knowledge as you can about it by reading. There is lots of information available here on the forum in the Information section http://www.ptsdforum.org/forum43.html

I look forward to speaking with you more. Welcome again.

[Kathy]

Welcome to the forum, confused girl. Lovely to have you. I apologize for not welcoming you sooner.

Until your boyfriend is properly evaluated and diagnosed, there is no way to know if what he has is PTSD or not. He may simply be experiencing combat stress, which is a temporary condition, though it can become worse if not treated. I do hope he is going to be evaluated fully, as either way he needs to be in order to receive the proper treatment.

I know our relationship was not an illusion and we were very happy.

Now assuming he has PTSD, he will definitely have some personality changes and not be the person he once was. There will always be ups and downs. PTSD is a permanent condition; there is no cure at present. However, sufferers can learn to manage themselves quite nicely, though it takes time and effort on their part. We as carers can support them in their efforts, but they must want to change and heal on their own. In your case, the first step would be for your boyfriend to get properly assessed and diagnosed. All you can do is encourage him in that, learn as much about PTSD as you can, and be certain to take care of yourself as well. Be very certain this is the life you want for yourself, as it is a permanent condition. If you stay with him, you are in it for the long haul, as my husband says.

All the best to you, do please keep coming here, asking questions, and learning. There is much support to be had and much good information as well. Take good care.

[confusedgirl]

Thank you, ladies. This uncertainty has lead to a time of ups and downs. It is certainly quite hard as well because he had to go back from the R&R and has five more months to be there in Iraq. So, it isn't even like I could just give him a hug or anything like that. I know people have much harder situations than I ever dreamed...please know I take a humble attitude in that (not to think mine is as hard as others). However, it isn't easy either.

Thanks again.

confused girl

[pastrychefarmywife]

my husband returned from his 3rd tour in iraq last sept. I know exactly what you are going thru.

We all change and both me and my husband have changed. I hope that you understand that.

now to the other stuff, so far, all i can say is that just be willing to help him if he does come to you. I am also waiting for help with mine, but know that I am here if you want to contact me , let me know.

[Kathy]

I know people have much harder situations than I ever dreamed...please know I take a humble attitude in that (not to think mine is as hard as others).

No need whatsoever to make comparisons or feel that your situation is "easier". Everyone's situation is unique and we all react uniquely, given our backgrounds, other life events and so on. It's not a contest by any means. So please no worries, your problems are every bit as important as anyone's here. Please share freely.

[confusedgirl]

pastrychefarmywife:

I would like to contact you on here, but I am new to all of this...let me know how it works.

Kathy:
Thank you for your kind words. That is really nice of you. I am very appreciative.

G'nite,
confusedgirl

[Kathy]

Confused girl, currently you and Pastry are in moderation, however once you are out of moderation (which will be very shortly) you may send each other private messages with your contact details. We do not allow you to post emails and such publicly for your own protection.

[pastrychefarmywife]

thanks confused girl, as soon as we are done being 'newbies' lol, feel free to email me. I think we can just hold each others hands, especially when we have bad days, we can give huggs!!!

How did you get your boyfriend to go to a councelor? did he realize he needed to go on his own, or did you ask him too?

I asked my hubby to. I told him that i know we have a adjustment phase after coming home from iraq(as i had been thru this before, and trust me the first ones a duuuusy) but his emotions were like men PMS. lol. I love him to death, and I will stay with him to the end.