Any Spouses of Soldiers Here?

[pastrychefarmywife]

My husband hasn't been diagnosed, but was told he has 'mild' PTSD, and refused to go to his next meeting, he cancelled it. He has mood swings worse than my PMS, and I can't trust him to watch our son, which is 5. I had to take a trip to the ER last night, and he told me that he was 'in and out' of it, while our son ran the waiting room for 3hrs. I love him to death, but what the H*ll is wrong with him. I talk nice to him, and i do anything for him. I know he went to war, I know its a horrible experience, and i can't do anything at home that would ever compare to it. I just want him to act 'normal', I know he will never be the same, but i want him to be comfortable around me and our son. I know its hard, this is his 3rd tour to iraq, and the second time he got hit with a IED, and the 3rd time he saw massive dead bodies. He routinely went on missions that he could get killed. I came and faced that fact and accepted that if it did happen, that he loved what he was doing.

now at home, i feel that he can't talk to me. He told me today, that the reason he doesn't go to bed when he is tired, is that he thinks that i am going to get mad at him later, 'trick ' him, and yell at him cause he doesn't spend enough time together. I know he is tired, and i tell him often to go to bed, hoping that maybe he will and that in the next week or two, he might spend some quality time with us.

am i doing something wrong? what can i do to help? is there anyone i can talk to that won't get him in trouble? please, i am going crazy from the emotional rollercoaster!!!

[Kathy]

Welcome to the forum, lovely to have you. To answer your question, yes there are a few spouses of soldiers here, also spouses and other family members of veterans. I am from a military family myself. My husband and four of my sons have all served; one of my sons is in Afghanistan at the moment. Some also have spouses or boyfriends who have been to Iraq or are currently serving in Iraq.

I must caution though, do not fall into the trap of only looking for others who share your exact experience. You may have noticed that upon this forum, there are no categories for different types of trauma, i.e., combat, rape, and so on. There is an important reason for this. To use myself as an example, I have derived just as much support and understanding from non-military individuals as I have from those with military experience. When it boils down to it, it matters not how we or our loved ones acquired PTSD.

I am sorry for your current pain, it sounds all too familiar. Many including myself relate to the emotional rollercoaster! If your husband does have PTSD, he truly needs to be evaluated and treated. The first step would be to receive an official diagnosis. Unfortunately it must be his decision, you may support him in it however he has to want help.

I suggest that, to begin with, you read here and learn as much about PTSD as your are able. Knowledge is power in dealing this illness. Also please take care of yourself and your precious child. If your husband starts to mistreat you or your little one, please do not put up with it. Your happiness is also important.

Take care, and please continue to post and ask questions.

[pastrychefarmywife]

thanks kathy! today was a ok day, but then i had a appt. somewhere and when i came home, he was upset that i had asked him to get the ranch dressing 2hrs earlier for dinner. I probably didn't deal with it the correct way, but whats the deal? I had just asked him to get it, If he said NO, i was going to get it. he continues to tell me, well your up, can you get it, so when i asked while he was up, i figured he would be nice to me. He didn't come out and start yelling, but he waited awhile to tell me about it. The rollercoaster threw me for a loop on that one.

[Kathy]

Pastrychef, is your husband currently in any therapy? He does sound rather stressed (as do you). The salad dressing does seem like a minor issue, however please read the following article regarding stress and PTSD sufferers:

http://www.ptsdforum.org/thread2296.html

It is an excellent article and I personally found it most helpful in my understanding of PTSD. Sometimes a seemingly minor issue can be the limit for them, as you will see after reading the article. I apologize that I have nothing more to say tonight as it is late and I must sign out, however do take care.

[Seeking_Nirvana]

Hi Pastrychef,

Welcome to the forum. I hope your able to find the information you need to help you cope.

Take care
Tammy

[Jim]

Welcome Pastrychef. Hope you enjoy your time here.

Jim.

[pastrychefarmywife]

i think the ptsd is really kicking up. he stated last night, the reason why we dont have sex alot is because everytime we do, he wants to go tosleep and i want to talk and then we get in a arguement, and thats why he don't want to have sex with me. I don't know what else to do. we got into a great big arguement, mainly it was about bringing up the past, and why do i do it, when i am not the only one! it lasted around a hour, and ended up with us not talking all day today. I am so hurt, confused, frustrated. i just left him to himself today.

[Kathy]

Sorry things are difficult at the moment. Sometimes giving one another space is the best thing to do. The sleeping after sex, well... that is unfortunately quite common among men. :rolleyes:

[wildcritter44]

Hi, :hello:

My name is Donna & I am the spouse of a disabled Army Airborne Ranger.
Ranger has PTSD a medium case I guess you would call it, but debilitating none the less, he can't work as anything can 'trigger" him and he is on a lot of medications for pain as well as PTSD.

Sounds to me like maybe yr husband is "afraid" to sleep-- like maybe he is having night terrors of things that happened over there. Sights, sounds, smells, other things can be "triggers" that cause him to be or get upset. I have read a lot about the kids being "targets" & "victims" because the enemy knows we don't want to hurt women & kids, so they do.
If he has any "kills" of his own, that may tie into some of his stress (PTSD).
If you could get him to talk to some fellow soldiers or better yet some veterans maybe they could encourage him to get help, or like a group therapy.
It does sound like he does not want to "appear weak" after all he is a soldier. They are not encouraged to be anything but rough tough and invinceable...They train for years for some of the things they do so that it comes as naturally to them as their name does when ask. They are NOT trained to come home to us...
It is not easy to deal with them sometimes, but they really do need us to be there for them and love them (in some cases they don't feel worthy of love).

Sorry for going on so... I wish you well and your family.
Venting is a great help and we all can do that on this forum as well as get a lot of imput from others...I have received a lot of help, just knowing I am not alone and that others deal with situations much worse than my husbands & mine...

HUGS :Hug_emoticon:

Donna

[pastrychefarmywife]

hi donna, thanks for the reply. He openly admitted to me that he lies to the PTSD dr. has cancelled appts cause he feels that he don't need to go, he don't want to be medicated. He doesn't want therapy or group therapy. all in all, i am about ready to snap. him and our son are in daily yelling, or "not talking" arguements, while my son is 5, and to me this is normal, but my hubby will give him a chance, then spanks his butt. of course, now, my son doesn't like him, (who would). he hasn't found what 'works' for his discipline with our son, and won't take the time to find it.

he never technically killed anyone, but he was on a convoy where a civilian iraqi got killed. He stood there watching the guy die, and the combat life medics tried to keep him from dieing. He blames his grandmothers death, 1 day after he returned from iraq, on himself. as much as i have told him that it wasn't his fault, as they didnt tell the entire truth about the mission, he feels that if he would have told someone, she wouldn't have died. Not to mention that 2-3 weeks after we moved out west, his grandfather died, he was on the phone with his dad when it happened. I don't know how to help him, to show him i care. I am always asking how his day was, if he needs anything, i love him unconditionally, he starts to tell me about his day, then yells at me, for something stupid, like tonight, i said all the doors were unlocked in my car, he said well i ****ing didn't do it! WHERE did that come from. I said please, if your mad, thats fine, but don't take it out on me!

sex- well it was good for 2 days, 3 times in that time frame. but when he has class or is stressed, he won't. he says he is sore, don't feel good, etc..... i tell him, lets make you a appt to see the dr, hell no he says.

I think he broke his collar bone over in iraq, but the dr back east, never said 'yes or no'. so he is in pain with that, his right shoulder sits way lower than his left.

we moved in over 2 months ago, and i have boxes everywhere still, most of them i can't lift or else i would have emptied them. i ask him every 4-5days, he says oh we'll do that on the weekend, but it never gets done.

sorry to go on and on, i just need to get it out!!!! thanks!!

[wildcritter44]

:hello: Hi!

Venting here really helps, I think, mostly because there are a lot of folks on the forum that do understand the frustration, emotions of the rollercoaster.
There are a lot of us on the ride whether we like it or not, simply because we love our partner. They are the ones that suffer and if in denial or beginning recovery, it can be very difficult for us. Don't let yourself or your son be hurt by yr husband, it's wrong to be abused. No excuses.. I know others here will say the very same thing.

There are a lot of folks here that have it much worse than ranger & I. Ranger is wonderful because he realizes things aren't as they should be and is willing to get the help he needs and is working very hard in the recovery process. It's not an easy process. It isn't something that happens very quickly either. So far he is about 15-16 months into the recovery. He has good days and bad days.
Sometimes if you can refocus the bad times and get them to move on to something else it helps them get out of the rut or off the broken record. Not always an easy task, in some cases impossible. :wall:
Take some time for just you & yr little one, you both need it.
Vent when ever you feel you need to on this forum... it just might help you. If yr husband is still in the service, you should be able to get help for you.

If he is attending school, that is stressful sometimes. For ranger it was anyway. Certain classes the assignments can even be unsetting. People talking about things they know nothing about would make him very angry. So many people think they know about the stuff that goes on over there, that unless you were there or talk to some one whom was there and they can tell you about the horrors. Most people have an opinion about something they "see on TV" or the our politicans talk about etc.

Sorry I do go on and on... I only hope that something I am saying here helps you in some way. If only to let you know, you aren't alone.. ok.

His denial is a tough one to deal with. Until he is willing to admit he has a problem and willing to deal with it, well, to say the least life could be hard. :dontknow:

My thought are with you and hoping things start working out better

hugs to you and the family... :Hug_emoticon:

Donna

[pastrychefarmywife]

thanks donna. he is still active duty, and they are putting him in hazmat classes, and the instructor is going way fast for him, he isn't 'book smart' as they call it. they are craming 3 months worth in 2 weeks. his first test is , today, and i am sure that his 'studing' hasnt helped, he needs things broken down, bit by bit, and its too much for him right now. i offer every night to help him study, i enjoy learning what he does at work, but he doesn't want to , or if he does, he sure has a odd way of saying it.

[barbie]

Hi. This is my first time posting on any internet site but I really feel for what you are going through so here goes. My husband has been medically retired with chronic and severe PTSD so I really identified with your posts about your husbands behavior and your confusion. Believe me you are not alone. He really needs counselling and I can tell you about an awesome non- profit where he can get free PTSD counselling off post without his command ever finding out. It's called "give an hour"; click on find a provider, enter your zip code and they will show you doctors in your area that donate their time to soldiers with PTSD. It is completely free and confidential.

After my husband was diagnosed the army hospital here at Ft Bragg did nothing but pump him full of meds. No counselling appointments were available for 6 months due to the high volume of soldiers needing help and not enough docs. Believe me, my husband and I would not have made it this far without counselling. He has been sick for almost two years now and I am finally accepting that as long as he is trying to learn coping skills through counselling that is all I can ask for. I wish I could write more but I am so tired by this time of night. I was actually looking for some advice myself but it turns out just reading everyone's posts has helped me a lot. It reminds me that my husband and I are not the only ones going through this, and he is not purposefully neglecting me and our sons. If you need any more advice or have any questions please don't hesitate to ask. It sounds like your husband may need to medically retire and if that is the case make sure you hook him up with the AW2 program. They have one at Ft. Bragg and Walter Reed Hospital. They can be a great source of support for you and your husband. Even if he want's to stay in the Army they can help. Just hang in there girl.

[corie]

Hello Pastrychefarmywife,
I am sorry to hear about your husband. My husband has made 2 trips to Iraq both for 15 month. He got diagnosed with PTSD when he got out and has currently counseling at the VA center.
I just recently had to admit to myself that what I tell him and what his counsel tells him are 2 different stories, even though we say the exact same thing.
My husband only takes advice from ppl who went through the same things he went through (like his friends and his council) not from civilians, because we dont understand (in his opinion). Even though my husband is in counseling he still has long ways to go. Because even though he knows he has PTSD doesnt make him accept it. Its a weakness and Infantry Men (evn though he is an "Ex" now) dont have no weaknesses.
As for the boxes. I can give you the advice to start unpacking and to ask him politely if he could help you with one box and than the next. It works for me and I hope it works for you as well.

Good luck

[Nicolette]

Hi Corie

I don't think I have had the pleasure of welcoming you. Lovely to have you on the forum. I hope you find the Carer's section of benefit and we appreciate you sharing your experiences.

[pastrychefarmywife]

thank you all, i will definitely look up that free ptsd couceling site. he was extremely nice yesterday, then today it was yelling at me. just dumb things. i just calmly told him, i didn't do anything to deserve you yelling at me today. he stopped. he will not help with the moving boxes, he stil runs the, i am tired, i worked all day, stuff. i went thru over 25 boxes myself, and only have a few left in the garage. I just put off doing the laundry to get the boxes done, now i got 10 loads of laundry. even though he wears a uniform, somehow, his clothes, civilians, add up more than me and our son!

[Nicolette]

I am sorry to hear you didn't have success with the boxes Pastrychef.

Barbie, I missed welcoming you. Nice to have you on the forum also.

[iraq2003-2005]

ptsd is a debilitating stressor, especially on relationships. i spent almost two years in iraq, when i returned my whole world seemed to fall apart. i was horrible to my family, i treated my wife and kids horribly. i was full of anger and rage and i didn't know why, i sometimes became frightening to my wife and kids. i slammed doors and yelled and cursed them all, everything was their fault and not mine. i sometimes drank and scared my family to the point of their leaving the house. i am in the process of writing a book on my experiences in and out of the combat zone. my experiences took me through the gates of hell and back and i thank god that i still have my life! i will leave you with a small part of what i have wrote, i'm sorry its so looong but, here it goes. let me know if this touches any areas that you or your husband are experiencing:

The nightmares of death have always kept me from getting a good night rest. The fear of death was always on my shoulders. I always had one foot in my grave trying hard to keep my other foot grounded in reality, I had to be ever so watchful of everything around me and I had to be in the right frame of mind to complete a mission. Ever so watchful of where I stepped, so as not to set off a life-taking land mine. Ever so watchful of snipers, who could easily end your life with one shot, ever so watchful of roadside bombs or car bombs, which could tear your armored vehicle to shreds. How I turned off the fear in the moment of combat, I still do not know. But one thing is certain; the fear of death haunts me more than it ever did when I was at war. The fear of death; it is a daily struggle to try and overcome. The fear of death, I can’t seem to shake it off. When the time permitted, I would often write letters to my family. I would ask people in my unit or friends in my hometown to keep the letters and deliver the letters to my family in a timely fashion in the event of my death. In each letter I would express my last wishes and words of comfort to each of my closest family members, my mother, and father, my children and my sister. I even detailed my wishes for a funeral and by doing so; I was prepared to walk through the gates of hell and into combat.

I once had a warrior mentality and an indomitable spirit, I enjoyed and loved being with family and friends and enjoyed things such as auto mechanics, fishing and visiting family. Since my return from the combat zone my spirit was now broken and full of discomfort, everything seems to be driving me up the wall. I’ve become, irritable, angry, unapproachable, and selfish. I was stuck in combat mode; the anxiety of still being in combat (in my mind) became mental torment. My mind raced with hyper vigilance and I remained on high alert, because of this I suffered anxiety attacks on a daily basis and I found I could not be still as I sat, and I was unable to visit my own family. The palm of my hands would sweat profusely and shake uncontrollably. My family took notice of my behavior and became deeply concerned with my unexplained actions. They tried comforting me in ways that made me feel like I was being smothered and I felt more at ease being away from them. I found comfort in isolating myself from everyone and everything I once knew and in the process of isolating myself I hurt the ones I love most, my family. I isolated myself from everyone including friends and co-workers, and I isolated myself from the things that I once enjoyed. I was lost, my inability to think straight severely hindered my ability to concentrate on things I tasked myself to do in order to get me through the day. I have never been so forgetful and I cannot recall a lot of things of my past, Multi-tasking is still a feat to overcome. The stress of everything happening at once became unbearable; I became mentally and emotionally exhausted and had no energy to do the things I once enjoyed. I was teetering on the brink of insanity almost to the point of no return. I found that I could not comprehend what life was supposed to be, and so the bottle of whiskey became my friend.

I try hard to suppress the adrenaline that sometimes over flows throughout my body. It is hard on my mind, on my soul and on my emotions. It continuously takes a toll on my body, as the muscle memory of reacting to combat remains intact. I am now more aware of my surroundings. I became affected with “tunnel vision” and found myself getting mentally prepared for battle, but in reality, there are no battles to fight at home. My marriage crumbled due to my inability to communicate with my wife as well as my inability to control my heavy drinking, I was mean when I drank, I called her foul names such as slut, bitch and whore. My behavior became dangerous as I manipulated my wife while I was drunk, I controlled her every move by threatening divorce if she didn’t do the things I wanted done. Blind to the fact that all she wanted to do was reassured and love me, I instead broke dishes and furniture, kicked in doors and scared the kids in the process. I don’t think they will ever forgive me for frightening them the way I did. I accused my wife of infidelity when it was actually me who was the infidel with constant extra marital affairs. She would leave our relationship only to return through my manipulation with high hopes for the future and our relationship. Continuously, I blamed her for all my problems when she called me paranoid and delusional. Little unbeknown it was true, and I was paranoid and delusional. I was self destructive and made her cry almost everyday we were together. Three months after I returned from the combat zone, She filed for divorce. Our divorce was finalized a year later, she never looked back, I hope they can one day forgive me for what I have put them through.

That was a long time ago. And now, I watch my returning Marine brothers suffer in the same way I did. I watch as they unknowingly destroy their relationships and marriages as well as their careers and reputations. Within the ranks of the Marine Corps DUIs’ and domestic violence as well as child abuse are at an all time high. The incident blotters had countless names of a few Marines I proudly served with in combat. Several of my fellow Marines abused alcohol to the point of being rushed to the emergency room for alcohol poisoning, a few attempted suicide and others began using drugs. Several others began dangerous behaviors such as drug trafficking and promiscuous sex. These were the men I served with; they put their lives on the line to protect their fellow Marines and their country. They are brothers, they are family, and since their victorious return from the battle fields of Iraq, they were now on a slow path of self destruction. It was obvious to me that these Marines had no idea that they were affected by combat stress, and it was making them do things that they normally wouldn’t do. They were destroying themselves and the career that they worked so hard for. And I know that there are a countless number of Marines out there who are aware of what they are going through yet they remain “under the radar” so to speak. They are afraid to approach their enlisted leaders and commanders for fear of retribution and possibly being belittled for what may be perceived as weak and unbecoming a United States Marine. Some leaders in a command remain unaware of symptoms and effects of Combat Stress and their usual answer is this: If you can walk and talk and effectively communicate, then there is nothing wrong with you. “You have no visible physical ailments or disabilities preventing you from doing your job so go back to work…” Asking for help with combat stress was intimidating and stressful to the point of saying “screw it”. I have found myself asking not once, but three times since my return from Combat in Iraq. Each time I sought help I felt on the brink of insanity, mental torment is what I felt. I felt helpless in trying cope with Combat Stress. I felt ostracized by my own fellow Marines and my command, they were supposed to help me, I was instead chastised and so I turned to heavy drinking.


this is just a small part of what i have experienced with PTSD. remember, there is hope, your husband needs to recognize his debilitator which is PTSD. if he doesn't, with time it will tear your relationship apart. the only thing you can do is support him, i know, it's already tough to do that. feel free to write back. james.