New To This - Psychiatric Nurse With PTSD Boyfriend

[Sairadance]

I joined this forum today after reading "PTSD For Dummies". I am a psychiatric nurse and am in a recent (3 month) relationship with a man who has PTSD. He has had therapy and has been to a facility for people who have been in combat. He has a great understanding of his illness and knows when he is not doing too well. This is also a long distance relationship...we live 5 hours apart. I am having a really hard time lately as he has "numbed out" and "feels nothing". He is facing a court date tomorrow that is work related and has had to focus really hard on it which has caused him to shut down. I find it hard not to take things personal. He is usually very affectionate but now he can't kiss me or look me in the eye. Due to the hearring, he is not even speaking with me on the phone. he called his father but could only text message me which is usually worded very affectionately, however not in the last 2 weeks. He wants me near but can't touch me. I don't know how to help. I don't want to lose him, he is a wonderful man. i don't call him right now and just send the odd text telling him he is fantastic and that I support him. This is difficult. I think I just need to talk to someone who has been there..done that. How do I help????:eek:

[anthony]

The only way you can help him is by allowing him to work through his anxiety. Nothing you do or say will change him presently with a court date pending. This is typical behaviour of PTSD, which means he still has some way to go yet in learning how to manage this, but he certainly sounds on the right path and going in the right direction.

[Jim]

Simply wished to welcome you to the forum Sairadance. In a bit of a different situation than yourself, as it is my child with PTSD, not a partner. You'll find there are a few here in similar circumstances though. You've come to the right place for support. Take care.

Jim.

[Jim]

Do agree with Anthony though. That is my experience also. He needs to help himself. You are there for support, not much else.

Jim.

[nyc]

Hi Sairadance,

Just try to ride it out. I know it's awful and you want to be there for him, but the more you try to be close the more you'll push him away.

The numbing may last a very long time.

Good luck and stay strong in your mind for the both of you,

nyc

[Nicolette]

Welcome Sairadance.

I totally appreciate your position and find trying to understand PTSD as being like trying to comprehend a different way of life at times. The hardest part is when the person you love disappears and someone else replaces them who is distant, less affectionate and sometimes unapproachable. It can be very confusing. I find it is hard to leave them alone and give them space to de-stress when all you want to do is put your arms around them, hug them and do something to help.

While a PTSD suffer has to help themselves it can be heartbreaking to watch as a partner. I have found that while a sufferer is going through a stressful time they inadvertently shut out their partners and it is hard to understand why they "don't seem to love you as much all of a sudden".

I am still learning but one thing I do understand is that as much as you want to help, the best way to do that is let them help themselves. It can be difficult to accept but a harsh reality :rolleyes:.

While the road with a PTSD suffer can be bumpy at times, the ones I know are worth it :wink:. Good luck in finding your own understanding.

[Kathy]

Welcome to the forum Sairadance, lovely to have you. I haven't much to add, everyone has given you solid advice. There really aren't any easy answers. PTSD is a very difficult illness to deal with, many ups and downs, even once the sufferer has reached a management stage. For example, my daughter has done exceptionally well with her recovery, however the past day or so has been most ill once more and in bed due to the PTSD. There is not much my husband and I may do except support her, be there for her if she needs us and "ride out the storm" so to speak. Day to day relating has largely been a trial and error process for us. Have you read the Carers Information section? I suggest that as a place to start, there are several good articles and suggestions. Arm yourself with knowledge as that will be your best defence in dealing with this illness. Take care and welcome once more.

[Sairadance]

A big thank you to those of you who replied to my post.
It feels good to know there are others out there like me, who loves someone who can't always love back. I feel so helpless sometimes, but all of your advice is excellent. I'm ok with giving him his space, I really don't want to risk pushing him away, (hopefully it's not too late). I will wait for him to contact me....hard to fight the urge to leave a message! I have started to see my old counsellor again to help me take care of ME while my BF heals himself. With the relationship being new and all, I'm still really unsure of his boundaries...along with PTSD....I wonder whatever posessed me to embark on this journey.... however, he is such a wonderful, caring, funny, intelligent man that I have such respect for ...how can I leave that behind? He is a blessing in my life and I cherish the moments we spend together. This is definately a bumpy road, but with support from this forum and my support network, I just might make it.
Thank you to all. Any other advice is VERY welcome.
Take care...I will be visiting this site often!

[Frankie]

Hi Sairandance welcome aboard ! My bf of 15 months has PTSD and yes it is a bumpy road...It is quite a journey ! but my bf is certainly worth it...he is everything to me and I couldn't imagine a day without him ! so I chose to stay and support and love him with all the ups and downs that this disorder brings !!

I see you feel the same way about yours, hang in there, give him your support, encourage him, let him know you are there for him. He has to WANT to make the steps to get better, but if he is like my bf, knowing you are there makes all the difference to him.

Since it is only a few months you have know him, in time, you will learn what is the best approach with him. Not everyone is the same, you will have to learn by trial and error.

The best advise I can offer you is continue educating yourself about PTSD, read about it, come on this site, talk about it, listen to him, be patient, supportive, try to understand what ticks him off and go from there.

There have been a few adjustments I have had to make in order to make my relationship with him a success. I don't regret any of the adjustments, cause what I have gained being with him outweights all the adjustments.

As in all relationships it is a question of "what can I live with ?" "Is he worth it ?"

[FallenAngel]

Just thought I would say Hi, I'm new here too and with what seems like a similer situation , I'm only 1 hr away from my Bf but it may as well be a millions miles right now. I'm trying desparatley not to pull myself apart over this but sitting and wondering and waiting is terrible I suppose I will have to learn some patience ! ( not my strongest point ) hope things turn out good for you

[Sairadance]

Hi Kazzy.
Thanks for the note. It's so good to have someone to talk to that is going through the same thing. I think when you're the one doing the waiting..1 hour / 5 hours...apart may as well be a zillion. I too, am not the most patient person in the world but I'm trying. It's been a week since I have heard from my BF. It's been about 6 days since his parents heard from him. I feel so completely helpless. Parts of the day I find I'm ok and I do lots of self talk...knowing there is nothing I can do, I still have to live my life and be happy. Then there are the other parts of the day..when I think.."am I nuts to be putting myself through this..why can't I find myself a man without a major mental illness? But I look at his picture and all the good times we have...that's all it takes to get me back to where I am waiting...and hoping and praying that he is ok and will come back soon. I am a psych nurse who works with people who have a chronic and persistant mental illness (primarily schizophrenia)...but my occupation is not helping me here...and it doesn't help my own thoughts...other than I have developed a new appreciation for my clients. I am thankful that I have started counselling on my end, helps keep things in perspective and reminds me to take care of myself. I hope that aside from tearing yourself apart, you are able to remember to do nice things for YOU....you deserve it. I hope we get to chat again soon, it helps so much. Thanks again.

[pastrychefarmywife]

Welcome Sairadance.

I totally appreciate your position and find trying to understand PTSD as being like trying to comprehend a different way of life at times. The hardest part is when the person you love disappears and someone else replaces them who is distant, less affectionate and sometimes unapproachable. It can be very confusing. I find it is hard to leave them alone and give them space to de-stress when all you want to do is put your arms around them, hug them and do something to help.

thank you nicolette. this helps with some of the stuff i am feeling as well as hubby acting the way he does right now. All i do want to do is hug him and make him feel better, make his fav. food, etc.... thanks so much