New and Could Use Some Advice - Boyfriend Refuses Contact

[FallenAngel]

Firstly would like to say Hi to everyone, I have been dipping inand out of this site for a couple of weeks now , and really I guess i am just after some advise as feeling a bit lost and confused right now.. My BF has PTSD , I didn't know when i first met him guess its not something you just drop into conversation. I am sorry if i drift abit just so much going through my brain! He has been out of the Army for many years and started to get headaches a few months ago, went to the doc's and apparently got diagnosed with PTSD, now I am not sure if this is really a "new " diagnosis or if he already has had treatment for this but didn't want to let on, anyway right now he has pulled so far away from me after what to me was a trivial tiny row...... but not to him he just sort of shut down and admits he cant shake off the dark place he is in , I dont know what to do for the best do I let him be hope he comes back to me ? or do I try and support from a far? I haven't seen him in about 6 weeks at the mo although we have up to now managed to maintain contact by messages , he wont physically speak or see me at the moment. The last thing I want is to stress him more but I just dont know what to do? and what ever I do seems to be wrong ! I am worried about him and I do care a great deal any advise from suffers or carrers would be greatly apprciated

[Kathy]

Welcome the forum Kazzy, lovely to have you. Your boyfriend sounds quite depressed, and it is not uncommon for someone who is that depressed to withdraw as he has. However, 6 weeks is a very long time to have not seen nor spoken to each other after an argument. What was the argument about? Has your boyfriend told you specifically why he does not want to see you? Is he currently on medication or in therapy? I need a little more information about your situation before I can make suggestions.

[Frankie]

Welcome aboard Kazzy, Yes, I agree with Kathy, 6 weeks is a very long time ! Is he in therapy now ? Does he live close to you ? I can imagine how you must be feeling right now, not knowing, wondering, scared !

Hope things work out and you see him soon !

[FallenAngel]

Hi , well it wasn't really a row as such well i didn't think so, we live about 60 miles apart and he was supposed to be coming here at the weekend, but he hada prior engagement that meant he may not have made it back to see me.. I said ok well lets scrap this weekend then i can go out with mates instaed, I didn't mean it in a bad way but he sort of took it as a threat, said he had heard all those things before ect....... I thought it would blow over how wrong was I ? anyway he says he knows his withdrawll is not all about me and what I said , he admits he is in a dark place in his head and cant seem to come out of it. He says its like everthing has reset and he has no feelings for anything not really sure what that means, also says he needs silence and solitude but when i said i would back off and give him some peace if thats what he needs, his response was I didn't need to back off as he wasn't refering to me, but never explained what he was refering too....... I'm just at a loss as to what to do.. The only contact we have is by messaging which I am finding very hard! He has been seeing a shrink for about 10 - 12 weeks I guess, that was really quick as well went to the doc's and had an appointment within 2 weeks, not normal for round here usually takes months even years unless you go private. I know he has been given some medication but he says he is not taking it but I dont know that for sure.

[Kathy]

It is a very long time Kazzy, for him to not speak with you, and you do not live that far apart. To be honest, even given his illness, I personally would want a bit more than simply text messaging! I would want something to change, even if that something was the two of you having a brief telephone conversation one weekly. Perhaps you should consider where the relationship is going and long you wish to endure the silence? Give yourself a timeframe? You do need to consider your needs as well.

[FallenAngel]

Thanks Kathy
I know in my head you are right, I also know this situation cannot go on for ever, I would end up making myself ill. I have decided that i am not going to send anything for a few days , let us both have some peace it will be hard cause I will want to know how he is , I just hope he will initiate some contact and take it from there. Nice to have site's this though , I feel abit better with just one post Thanks

[Shoshin]

Kazzy,

I just moved back in with my wife of ten years after a self-imposed exile of 3 weeks as I struggled through the early phases of PTSD therapy. I was angry, ashamed, suspicious, defensive, lost...and intellectually I knew I just was not myself, but could not overcome the desire to be alone, isolated, "safe", but that was not sustainable. I do not know whether your BF is in a similar boat, but I contacted my wife very little during that time. It did not mean my feelings for her had disappeared, just that they were overwhelmed by the PTSD for a while. We are now working very slowly and carefully on how to live together. I write this post from the guest room, where I have been sleeping so far...by my choice. I still need a "safe" place for now...

[Kathy]

Very good insight into the situation Shoshin, thank you for sharing your experiences! It is always good to hear from the sufferers, I wish you would all post in here more often!

Kazzy, I was a bit brief the other day. I did not mean that you should break up with him nor do anything drastic. That is of course up to you, only you can know what's best in the situation. However, I am concerned that you are very unhappy, and you should be thinking of your own happiness, not only his. That is why I say, think about what you want from the relationship, how long you are willing to wait for him, what you would like to see happen in future, and so forth. You count too and your feelings are also important. And, if you know clearly what you want, it will be easier for you to communicate with your boyfriend, when the time comes.

[FallenAngel]

Shoshin

Thank you so much for your honesty, it has given me a little more insight into what he may be going through. This is the first time I have really been in this situation with him and my ignorance or lack of knowledge is what is frustrating me , I know I will never fully understand or may be will never come near to understanding what goes on in his head as I can never live the trauma's he has. I just hope I have not pushed him further away with my own insecuritys and hurt during the last couple of weeks, I took it personnally which was so wrong , think I went into defensive mode ! I will give him some peace for a few days then try and make some gentle contact, see what happens. Thanks again

Kathy

I understand what you meant and I do feel I need a couple of days to regain my composure, I stuggling a little as it did feel like rejection, you see I have sort of been here before a previous boyfriend had depression not PTSD and just dissapeared out of my life, took him over a year before he made contact again and said sorry for what he had put me through , so I suppose the fear of that happening again has fed my insecurity, I just need to try and understand as much as I can and not compare this to the past

[Kathy]

I can understand your fears Kazzy, that is perfectly logical. Do take care and keep coming here to post as often as you wish.

[Nicolette]

Hi Kazzy and Shoshin

I don't think I have had the pleasure of welcoming you as I haven't been on the forum much in the past week or so. Nice to have you around and I look forward to talking to you more in the future.

[samsara]

Kazzy, be careful. He sounds like he could put a lot of emotional burden on you. Are you sure you want to deal with that?

[FallenAngel]

Samsara , thank you for your concern , I read you post in why date someone who is ill, and i noticed you mentioned a 3 yr seperation can I ask what brought that about ? if you dont mind sharing?

As for if I want this emotional rollercoaster, well I wouldn't have asked for it but like you i am a bit of a tough cookie! and i will ride it as far as I can.... I have to admit I did wobble a bit a first ( as I am sure you can tell in my first posts ) but having taken a few days out for me , I have strenghened up again, dont get me wrong I also still have my own life to lead and will continue to do so, but I will also be there for him . I dont at this moment know where this will lead! Time will tell me that and I will take each day as it comes, we are still in communication of which i am greatful its still limited but every now and then it gets a little better.

I suppose in general my main problem is my own ignorance on what is happening but I am learning and this site helps so much.

[Nicolette]

Time will tell me that and I will take each day as it comes

Kazzy, ultimately only you can make the decisions of what is right for you. I hope you find what is best for you. Being tough is one thing but chosing to be "ignorant" can only be a potential for a bad situation. If you are not dealing with reality how can you properly assess the situation? Please be careful that ignorance does not turn into denial.

We all want the best for both you and your boyfriend. Just remember you are responsible for your happiness and you can only walk the path you choose...not one someone else creates for you.

[FallenAngel]

Hi Nicolette

May be I didn't word my post quite right , I didn't mean I was being ignorant , just my lack of knowledge at the start made me do or say things that weren't helpful at all , because I didn't understand what was happening or what was causing it. I am human I make mistakes , I am learning all I can at the moment to help me understand PTSD and Depression, then when he is ready to talk ( if he is ever ready ) I will be better armed to deal with it, I am just taking each day as it comes at the moment, only time will tell what will happen in the future , right now I'm hanging in there, yes i have bad days but I then have to rationalise those and remind myself that my bad days are no where near as bad as his.

I do hope things work out and in time the situation bewteen us improve but I also realise at this point in time he needs so space for himself, as much as I want him here emotionally with me I know i cannot push that right now or will only push him further away.

[Nicolette]

I will be better armed to deal with it

That sounds very smart Kazzy.

yes i have bad days but I then have to rationalise those and remind myself that my bad days are no where near as bad as his.

While that is true Kazzy, your bad days are still bad relative to your situation. I think it is important not to diminish your own situation while looking at another. To each of us our pain and struggles are real and we must acknowledge that. My mother used to always tell me there was someone out there who was worse off than me. While that too is true, that does not lessen my pain in my life nor does it give me the support I need to deal with it either.

What I am trying to say is you and your feelings matter too. I understand you must do what you think is best for you, just please remember you are in there as well. I do hope things work out for you though.

[nyc]

" we are still in communication of which i am greatful its still limited but every now and then it gets a little better."

Why should you be grateful. He should be grateful to have your care.

I hear so much of what I felt... and it saddens me that so much energy is going into these men who really want to be left alone.

The shut downs, the numbing... this is a relationship that needs to be endured not enjoyed.

I get it; I was there.

Try stepping away and see what comes out "after the wash".
let them feel their pain and learn to deal with it.

Try to let go, and see what comes back.


I keep reading everyone's situations and its exactly the same. To be honest - i don't see any hope. I'm referring to my own situation.

I wanna say- to myself, and to the women who are torturing themselves because these men are shutting them out constantly- let go and move on.

And yet- here i am, again.

[Nicolette]

I wanna say- to myself, and to the women who are torturing themselves because these men are shutting them out constantly- let go and move on.

Perhaps this is something you need to re-read?!:rolleyes: