I Want Your Opinions On My Problems

[2quilt]

For about 4 years I have been going to an acupuncturist, and we have become friends. She and I have talked about our personal lives, we have shared photos and birthday cards and small gifts. We have weekly appointments, so we talk about our lives every time we see each other. Or so I thought. I trusted her completely and told her everything until recently when I sensed a shift. My husband and I have gone out to see my acupuncturist and her girlfriend once, when her girlfriend had a recital. After that, we talked about going out together, but we never did.

Two weeks ago a won free tickets to a comedy show, on a Friday night, and because my acupuncturist had told me that she and her girlfriend wanted to go with me and my husband before when I had won tickets, I asked her again. This time, she made up a story about them going to someone's house that night, so they could not go. Then I learned that I got the date of the show wrong, called her up and told her that it was Saturday night, not Friday night. So she and her GF could come, right? No, they were going out to dinner at someone's house. (lie)

My acupuncturist had never lied to me before, as far as I knew. A few days later, I found out from a mutual friend that her girlfriend is 4 1/2 months pregnant. Well, that explains why they didn't want to come out to the comedy club--they didn't want me to see her belly when I had not been told that she was pregnant.

Then I looked them up in a baby store registry this morning and learned that her girlfriend is really due in 10 weeks. My "friend" has not mentioned to me the biggest event of her life.

I am just ready to end this friendship and I can't trust her any more as my doctor either. I don't understand how she can speak to me every single week with such friendliness, "and how was your week?" "Oh, this or that is going on..." and I share the details of my life with her because she asks about those details. I ask about her life too, and I thought she was telling me the truth.

It seems that our entire friendship has been a lie. I trust so damn easily and now my heart is broken. I don't understand why she has done this.

I understand that she and her girlfriend didn't tell anyone about the pregnancy at first, until they were sure she would not lose it, but I am just very upset that on one hand my acupuncturist will tell me that we are friends, and then she does this with actions.

[EmoxxKid]

Well, I am not sure if I am reading this right but it sounds like she is gay? She really may have not been comfortable telling you that she and her lover were having a child...It's a rough thing and you never know how people will react to things like that.

I am gay and I really do understand this...

I would not take it personal.

[2quilt]

Yes, I am friends with my acupuncturist
or i was,
and we talk about stuff all the time.
I am pro-equality and vocal about it.
Although I have only met her girlfriend twice, I know my doctor very well, and so I don't think that's the problem. She knows I would support her.

[She Cat]

2quilt,

I am so sorry that you are going through this. It's never easy when you discover that the people you thought they were, turn out to be far from what you thought.

Just the thought of losing the friendship is hard enough, but to find out that they weren't truthful is even worse and hurts twice as much.

It just sucks because I am sure that you feel that you invested a lot into this friendship, and feel that you got nothing out of it.

I think if you look back on the relationship you may find some clues as to was it really a true friendship or not.

[AmazonBelle]

This is a tough issue, and I sense how hurt you are by this.

Here's my take on it... anyone you are paying a for a professional service is going to be difficult to have as a friend. I know it is not ethical for therapists to befriend their clients... It might be the same for an acupuncturist, I don't know. It could be that she wanted to have a relationship with you back on a more professional level, but did not know how to broach the subject with you. It sounds like she might be doing it in a sort of "passive-aggressive" way.

[Shoshin]

2quilt,

First, I totally understand your comments about feeling like the whole relationship has been like a lie, and it is so hard to trust now, and you feel betrayed or deceived or let down...

Just last week I was shouting expletives at my "best" friend for lying to me, and I told him he was out of my life forever...but in retrospect I was giving in to all-or-nothing thinking...Either he told me everything in every detail, or we could not be friends...Well, did I hold myself to the same obligation to him? If I omitted a detail, even a huge one like a pregnancy, job change, crisis, whatever, would I feel that I deserved to be shut out of HIS life forever?

I have realized that even though it hurt me, his lie originated from his discomfort with sharing something with me. It will take me a while to be close friends with him again, but I am going to try, because if we can figure out why he felt uncomfortable sharing something with me, then I can find out how he views our friendship (which may be different from how I view it, and that needs to come out), or I can find out he would also like to end our friendship (which needs to come out as well).

But I can only know the truth by communicating, even though it hurts like hell, violates my self-preservation code, and is not part of my past patterns of behavior. Do I want to be "safe" and isolated from the world, or do I want to do hard work and be happy?

Believe me, I am not preaching, just empathizing with you because I am in the same place right now. I passed my friend in the hallway three times today and neither of us spoke. I do not know what will happen next...:dontknow:

[anthony]

Maybe its just me.... but to be honest, she is your acupuncturist which you classify as a friend... yet maybe whilst your interpretation of being "good friends" vs. her interpretation is different. Is it right to say in all honesty, because I share my deepest and darkest secrets with x, that x must then share theirs with me? Even if I class x as a friend, why should I reasonably believe for a second that x classifies me the same way? I shouldn't... its presumption, assumption... expectation even, but not realistic.

You sound as though your beating yourself up, or maybe even looking for an excuse to justify your actions, not quite sure.... but who says because you give up your secrets to her that she is entitled to give hers to you? Sorry, I just do not follow or understand. Friends are friends, good friends are different again and are built over years of friendship, trust, hardship, etc.

Again, sorry.... but I just do not understand why you believe it is your right in the first place to believe you should know everything about her life just because you told her everything about yours.

[Damiea]

I would just tell her that you heard about the pregnancy from a mutual friend... Let her know it hurt you a bit to have not been told about this exciting news. I was a massage therapist for 8 years and understand getting very comfortable with clients.. and becoming something of friends. There could be many reasons why she felt the need to keep this out of your sessions with her. Don't jump to conclusions until you hear her side of the story. A few of the reasons I can think of is that she might have felt it would upset you some how some way. and as a professional.. you don't do or say anything you think might be negative when you are trying to help that person heal.

[becvan]

First let me say, I'm sorry your feelings have been hurt.

My opinion on this though is very different. Any doctor you have, no matter what type, should not be in the friend department. They are there to render a service not be your buddy. If they are crossing that line, no matter what department they work in, then it's unethical. Also, the person receiving the services (client, patient etc.) should not be looking for a friendship from them. That is a dangerous line to cross. I also feel it's a very inappropriate friendship to be seeking. Never mix business and pleasure.

I also agree with Anthony's take on this. Assumptions hurt everyone involved.

Bec

[anthony]

What bec said... well said bec. Maybe that is why the acupuncturist is pulling away from you!!! Maybe you have gotten a little too close for their liking, so they are removing themselves from that problem now. What you see and what they see are two very different things.

[sunnydaze]

I agree with Becvan and Anthony. It sounds strange. My "t" and I are close but not on that level. We respect each other and he sincerely listens to me and shows geniune concern for my problems. It would be nice to be friends with him and his family or neighbors but awkward and not right. That would be like being friendly with your gynocoligist or Ob doc. What's said in the office stays in the office but nothing unethnical. I know he has 2 boys and their ages but that's it. Please move on!
sunnydaze

[Seeking_Nirvana]

Hi Cathy, I want to add to this a little based on my experience. I was pregnant and not married to my boyfriend back then. As his girlfriend I went to all of his family functions and was friendly and shared things with them, as they did me.

They are very religious so I was a bit uncomfortable revealing I was pregnant and not married. I hid it from them until I was 6 months. finally, one of his SIL seen my bulging stomach and straight asked me if I was pregnant.

His family was upset with him over this. It was not just "his news" to tell, it was mine too. This was a decision I made and he was not to tell anyone and I had my own reasons for doing this as well. I loved his family as if they were my own and would have been devastated if they didn't forgive me. But I had some things I was working through at the time and didn't need the added stress of them knowing about it.

His family was deeply hurt and still don't understand, but we have all moved past it and I love them dearly and think they feel the same about me.

Also, I don't owe anyone on this earth an explanation of what secrets I keep and why. I might want to weigh it out to see if I want to keep them as a friend and tell them why I with held information if they are going to end the friendship based on my secret. But, this is my choice and it doesn't mean that the person I'm keeping the secret from is not my friend or I don't trust them.

My best advice is that you find out why she didn't tell you, and go from there. I wouldn't just end the friendship until you get all of the facts. If you don't get all of the facts there may be a valid reason that has nothing to do with her not trusting you.

Just remember things aren't always as they seem.

Take care
Tammy

[2quilt]

I spoke with her today and it turns out that i was upset for nothing. They have not told hardly anyone because they are afraid of her losing the baby, so they are not telling anyone until the birth. i have not been excluded at all, we are still friends, she does not hate me, etc. etc.
I am having all kinds of problems now because my antidepressant stopped working and I am not perceiving reality like I should.

I sincerely appreciate all your thoughtful responses!

[anthony]

Well done... clarification often helps a lot of things in life, instead of presumption of what you do not know. Well done...

[She Cat]

2quilt Although having a personal relationship with your professional carer is unusual, it isn't heard of. My Nurse Practitioner and I have a very good relationship. It's not a total friendship, and yet more than patient/nurse. We talk about her kids, and mine. She has given me her home phone # and private work #, and she came to visit me in the hospital when I was hospitalized once.

I am glad that you worked things out, and you had the courage to be up front with your feelings and you asked her. Good job!!!!

[2quilt]

Thanks to all of you. I really appreciate hearing the thoughts of others when I have a problem because my version of reality is skewed due to PTSD, and even more so now that my meds are failing. I need to hear the opinions of others to get a better bearing on what normal is, and if I am forgetting anything, and it really helps me to see a problem from a variety of sides.