The Price of PTSD on Relationships

[Nicolette]

(Note: Not referring to children who have PTSD).

From reading the new posts in the Carer's section of late it seems there is a pattern. Girl in love with boy, boy has PTSD so isolates himself and inadvertently shuts out girl. Girl takes it personally and feels rejected. It seems PTSD takes a lot out of people's lives.

The posts here talk about supporting the PTSD suffer but what happens when the Carer goes through a speed hump in life and needs emotional support from their partner? Yes, we can turn to friends but that only goes so far. My view is a relationship, as in boyfriend & girlfriend, husband & wife, would involve reciprocal support. How do you balance this?

What happens when the PTSD suffer is having a low point but so is the carer? Sounds to me, from what is written here lately, that some carer's support the suffer but sometimes have to rationalise getting no support back, even if they need it.

What a dilema?!

[batgirl]

Good thread Nicolette. I see the same pattern here as you do. This is exactly why I started my thread, why date someone who is ill, in the first place. I don't know what else to say but I hope you get some good responses.

[jods]

Hmmm good food for thought!

I know at times it is hard to find a balance for the support that you give & get.

For me I think the best thing for me is to be honest with my hubby & tell him that I'm having a crap time.
I tell him that I need to work on myself in order to regroup & get my crap together.

I work on the theory that if it's good enough for me to support him while he is seeing his doc etc then it is only fair that he supports me when I have to see my doc.

I must admit though I have made sure that I have a good network around the both of us to help if we are both struggling.

Sometimes I think that pride gets in the way for asking for help.

[Sairadance]

I agree, good thread.
Since I am part of this "category" so to speak....I will say that if one chooses to be a carer (and it is a choice), then it's so important to have your eyes open. I think a carer would have to have an excellent support network which could include counselling (as it does for me). Of course you would want support from your partner, I mean that's what a partnership is right? I am learning that when my partner shuts me out, I need to look inwards because I can only control what is going on within myself in this moment. I can choose to feel hurt and neglected (and it happens because I'm human), and or I can choose to remember that my partner is a wonderful supportive man when he is able, I just can't plan when that's going to happen...(wish I could)! "Through good times and in bad" so they say, I am learning to just take it one day at a time.....sometimes 1 hour at a time. The thing to remember for me, is that he has been there for me, and will be again.
Thanks for the thread.

[Kathy]

Well said Jodee and Sairadance. I know you said you are not referring to children with PTSD Nicolette, however I hope you don't mind my commenting briefly as well.

As Sairadance so aptly put it, when one enters into a relationship with someone with any chronic illness, expectations do need to be adjusted accordingly. Just as if your partner was unable to walk, you would not expect them to go jogging with you, so with a partner with PTSD, you cannot always expect them to engage in activities which stress them or make them ill. Although it is not a partner situation, I will use my daughter with PTSD as an example here. When I was quite ill emotionally after my son's death, Evie tried to be supportive of me, and was good at it - to a point. That point being, because of her PTSD, she could only be supportive for short periods at a time, and could not be my sole source of support. After a certain point it became too much for her she needed to rest. I needed to rely on others as well, not place all the burden upon her.

As close as the spousal relationship is, in the case of PTSD, developing a large and solid support network is crucial. Family, friends, one's church, therapists, support groups, doctors and so on can all be part of that support network. You simply cannot always rely upon the PTSD sufferer; that is unfortunately part of PTSD, that they will need breaks, especially from the stress and problems of others. They cannot always be emotionally available. This is exactly why I often tell partners to think very seriously and clearly if this is what they want in a relationship, as there are some matters you must accept, and some adjustements that must be made, that would not be present in a "normal" relationship.

[pastrychefarmywife]

this is a great thread!

as a wife of a PTSD spouse, i definitely get my down times, more than i would like to admit. as my hubby hasn't yet recognized it himself, although diagnoised (sp) he refuses to get help. I can't say this is harder than anyone else, but its the hardest point in our relationship, even thru 3 depolyments.

we also have a young son, 5, and i have to referree all day, when he comes home from work, till the time our son goes to bed. they consistently try to battle each other, then come to me. I have learned that 'shower time' is MY time. NO more kids in the shower with me! and I have to watch my stress and anxiety, as i get frequent migraine headaches with NO signs. I learned to eat anything i want, as if i try to diet, i get more migraines, and then we all 3 are grouchy! , and i get as much sleep as i can, after 'my' time on the pc.

i am always there for my family and any time they want to talk i am here, but when i need a shoulder, i call my friends and family from our previous base. they really do help me thru some tough days. i don't have any friends here yet, but hopefully soon, i will be able to trust someone ( i have a extremely hard time trusting ppl)

my hubby is emotionally unavailble, but i think its more he doesn't know what to do when i am in a 'down' moment. i just call up my friends, i know he cares, he just don't know how to listen or show it, so i just 'bypass' him for that part.

soon, hopefully , he will be less stressed, and we can talk again.

[Kathy]

I forgot to add this yesterday. When Jim was still drinking, and then when was in the early stages of recovery, there was a period of about 4 years where he was often emotionally unavailable to me. Also physically unavailable, as he was constantly attending AA meetings and/or socializing with his AA friends. I had 4 small children at the time and so I could only attend Al-Anon once weekly. It was quite frustrating and lonely. However I did learn through Al-Anon to rely on my support network when my husband was not available to me.

Another lesson I learned in Al-Anon which I find invaluable to this day, is to regularly do nice things for myself. Whether that be visiting with friends, buying myself a gift, going to a yoga class or even just having a bubble bath - I have learned that I can enjoy myself and have a nice time apart from my husband. He is very good now, we are very close, however we still have our separate interests and activities, which we enjoy apart from one another. My interests and activities, as well as my friends, are very important to me to fall back on.

[nyc]

Kathy, I find this information really useful. This seems more productive than making assumptions that people are co- dependent and dysfunctional in some way for caring for an adult who is ill. (not pointing any fingers etc..)

I am no longer in my relationship, but I certainly understand how people would want to try to stay and relieve the suffering in some way. I'm sure it does have a price to do this. But, maybe that's a truly deep love.

[Kathy]

I'm glad you find the information useful nyc, however I do not see anyone here making assumptions. All I perceive are people asking straighforward questions in an attempt to understand, and many interesting and varied comments and opinions. In the long run I believe all of that is productive.

[tarahc]

I'm very new to this forum, but the question you posed is one that I have thought about maybe a million times. I have been the one giving the support and being understanding, and what happens when I'm the one who needs it? Further, I sometimes feel that the consistent having to be understanding leads to frustration at always having to play that role, which can stretch my patience thinner and makes it more difficult to be understanding.

I don't have a solution. But it's nice to know that other people think about this and I'm not selfish for wondering how things will be when something happens in my life and I need support from my partner. I am very fortunate to have several good friends who I feel would definitely be there for me if I need them, but I wonder if I'll be able to receive that support from the one who I've consistently given it to.

[blueeyedgirl]

Nicolette,

Thank you for bringing about this point.

In an endeavor to try and understand the people we love, we're often neglected. We're left drained and feeling hopeless. It's difficult to create a balance when the situation itself is already so imbalanced. We all need support, a listening ear, and sometimes a really big hug. I know I'd love one right now.

And, your point about rationalizing our own neglect is interesting. I think we do it because we truly want to understand and help. To me, it almost becomes addictive. Which becomes the problem. We think that if there was something more we could do, a little more we could learn, or understand, that it would somehow help the situation. To see someone so crippled by an illness - that's just so difficult to grasp.

I think what nyc meant regarding making assumptions regarding co-dependent or dysfunctional relationships is that we may even conclude to ourselves that there has to be something unhealthy going on to *want* to stay in such an imbalanced relationship. Because, in the end - isn't it about how much one person can take? If one keeps giving, the other keeps receiving, even putting up with abusive behaviors, well, that *is* unhealthy. But making such statements is by far easier said than done. Because, when love is involved - there's is a price. But, how much is too much?

Pastrychef, I'm so sorry to hear about your situation. I can't remember which thread you posted it on, but, please feel free to email me, as well. It can be difficult meeting new people (and trusting). I moved here close to two yrs ago, and didn't know a soul. To this day, I spend more time of the phone with my friends back home than out trying to meet new people. I just don't have the energy anymore!

[Kathy]

I think what nyc meant regarding making assumptions regarding co-dependent or dysfunctional relationships is that we may even conclude to ourselves that there has to be something unhealthy going on to *want* to stay in such an imbalanced relationship.

Ah. That could very well be, well said. Though I do believe that serious pondering about why one is in a relationship in the first place is healthy and necessary. Wondering about whether one is co-dependent or dysfunctional is a good thing in my opinion as it leads to self-examination.

[becvan]

What I see in many carers is a lack of being able to tolerate negative emotions, actions or behaviors. (I'm not referring to abuse.. more like flashbacks and what not.) This is where I see a problem. The carer rushes in trying to fix it and make it all better. Of course they get burnt out doing this repeatedly and frustrated because it doesn't work. Us sufferers NEED to learn how to cope and deal with our all negatives. It's very important. So begins an unhealthy cycle.

Was just thinking about this as a contributing factor in the price carers pay.

bec

[Nicolette]

Us sufferers NEED to learn how to cope and deal with our all negatives. It's very important. So begins an unhealthy cycle.

I have to agree with Bec. There is a lot said about what a 'Carer' should do in order to assist the 'Sufferer' but the 'Sufferer' has, just as equally, a responsibility the relationship.

Before I go on I want to make it clear that at this time I am only discussing intimate adult relationships.........

It has been said here that when entering into a relationship a potential carer needs to understand a PTSD sufferer and decide whether they can accept what the consequences of living with someone who is ill is about. True but, I strongly believe, a PTSD suffer entering into a relationship is also a consenting adult and should also assess whether they can realistically contribute to a relationship. There are two people involved in a relationship, not just one and there has to be compromise and acceptance both ways. Both parties have to be fair to the relationship.

Personally, I can accept PTSD as an illness and am willing to do what it takes as a 'Carer' but I will not accept abuse whether it be direct or projected when PTSD is used as an excuse. That is the 'Sufferer's' responsibility to the relationship....to deal with their illness. Pull away sure, have some time out, be negative, shut the world out for a little while but it is not right if a 'Sufferer' inflicts cruelness and abuse on a 'Carer', who is supposedly someone they love, and believe it is acceptable.

In my world there is a big difference between being ill/negative (PTSD) and being abusive.

[Nicolette]

I also wanted to say.......

A 'Carer' may need to accept that the 'Sufferer' may not always be available but a 'Sufferer' needs to learn to try and verbalise this somehow so the 'Carer' can understand. Some of what I have read here refers to a 'Sufferer' just checking out of the relationship, which I guess is fine if that is what they need to do for their illness, but they also have to be fair to the 'Carer' and tell them it is due to the PTSD so a 'Carer' has an understanding. A relationship is a two way street.

[morgan]

Well said Nicolette. As a sufferer I know that I am not ready for a relationship and I have no right getting into one under these circumstances. That being said, I have a hard time understanding some of these guys who haven't at least had the decency to say something along these lines to their 'carer' girlfriends. To me that is a form of abuse. JMHO.

Take care of "yourselves," Morgan

[Nicolette]

I am only discussing intimate adult relationships.........

To clear up misunderstanding, I meant in that particular post and not the thread in general. That one post was about 'couples' as in boyfriend and girlfriend. I was trying to say I was only discussing that side of relationships in that individual post.

[rubytuesday]

(Note: I wrote this message (which turned out to be way to long!) after reading just the first page of this thread - I see now that some of what I talk about here is also addressed in the 2nd page, like wondering about codependence/disfunction in the relationship.)

I met Steve about 10 months ago, and he told me had PTSD early on. But it has been a steep learning curve for me, especially because he can act fairly normal in most ways until you know him well. He does not get help for his condition, at least not regularly. He is a Vietnam vet (we're both in our 50's), and apparently only went to the V.A. about it beginning a few years ago when he started having a problem with nightmares and flashbacks. That situation improved to the point where he stopped seeing the therapist. He never tried medication, tho the therapist recommended it. I never really got a clear picture of his history (his memory is horrendous, and I question his awareness and understanding of the situation anyway), but I always suspected he was more of just a late diagnosis than a case of delayed-onset. His cognitive problems (which took me months to have a small handle on) seem too entrenched to have just begun, for one thing, but I certainly don't know. I am a bit of a compulsive researcher, and i did read quite a bit about PTSD and the brain on and off (usually when we had problems), but it was not until last week, when we had a big problem, that I really thoroughly looked at this site and its boards. It has been extremely helpful - though i am sad to say i think it might be a moot point for me, because I think my relationship might be over. I'd even been feeling hopeful that finally maybe now I'd be able to love him better, feeling a better understanding of his illness.

Last week, after a week of no contact from him (after having been in touch every day prior to that for the last several months), I got an email from Steve saying that the pressure involved in everything was too much for him, that he couldn't live that way, and so he was going to live without the pressure and see how it went. (We'd just gotten back from a trip, and the final straw seemed to be an argument about his impatiently and aggressively exiting the airplane, which I saw after the fact as a PTSD thing, which is what sent me back to the computer and these boards...) I don't know if this is a permanent break (and i know not to ask, not yet, anyway - he probably doesn't know for sure anyway), but I think it probably is. It was an unusually clear communication from him - how I wish there had been others giving me an idea what was going on. I should have known he was feeling pressure building up (I was feeling a difference in him for several weeks, a detachment which hurt me and was so hard for me), but I didn't quite get it until he said it.

I have been having a hard time not blaming myself for this. I mean, I knew he had the illness, and while he didn't help me out with understanding it (first of all, i think he's in some denial about it and the major ways it affects his life; second, I don't really think he would or could understand or explain it anyway), I knew enough to know that this would cause withdrawals and shutting down - still, I had such a hard time not taking it personally, not wanting more from him. I wanted him to be someone he wasn't, and I couldn't accept him the way he is (and understand that he couldn't change it), much as I tried. I wanted to spend more time with him. I wanted to do more things together. I wanted to make plans. I wanted balance, give and take, and I only now fully see that much of the time I will not be able to have that with him. I got upset if he finally would make a plan and then would not follow through, or would want to leave sooner than planned or expected. And I didn't understand that every time he disappointed me, he felt horrible for having done so.

I feel like I now finally understand things, thanks in part to posts like the ones in this thread and others on these boards, but that now it is too late. I don't think I'm going to get another chance. Maybe I wouldn't be able to behave or react too differently anyway, just given who I am, but I know I would like the chance to try. Some things that help me understand are the following messages from other posters: don't take anything personally other than his love for you; their minds work totally differently from ours; they might say or act like things are okay, maybe every day, even when they're not; you cannot expect them to be a rock of support for you; their stressors may change daily and you or they can not predict the timing or type of stressors.

I tend by personality to be a carer. And I've questioned that in myself. I do wonder if this would be a healthy relationship for me anyway if it continued. He was not able to communicate well, and was not receptive to ideas of treating and managing his PTSD. (At least I knew not to talk about this much, but I did mention that i'd read about some therapies that might be helpful, if he was ever interested. He said if it ever got worse, he would consider it.) I was unhappy and stressed out and depressed out a fair amount myself during the 10 months of the relationship (especially the last couple months), often feeling I had to tamp down my natural impulses, and spending a lot of energy trying to figure out was he was feeling and needing, knowing he needed me to be okay and not feeling free to express myself when i wasn't okay (or expressing myself and then being upset when he wouldn't really "hear" me), knowing I couldn't have what I wanted but trying to have it be enough, because I wanted him. It's not like we'd been together when he got this illness (in which case I would not question a continued commitment to him). Going into a relationship knowing what it would probably entail - well, maybe that's not the healthiest decision I could make for myself anyway.

Anyway, I also learned from these boards that it is important to have a lot of support, both the sufferer and the carer. I don't think either of us has/had that. Even though my relationship is probably over, it has meant a lot to me reading your posts and feeling the same sorts of issues and pain in you. Thank you. My heart really goes out to all of you/us, sufferers and carers both! Thank you for this forum, and for letting me share in it.

[rubytuesday]

Nicolette wrote:
"A 'Carer' may need to accept that the 'Sufferer' may not always be available but a 'Sufferer' needs to learn to try and verbalise this somehow so the 'Carer' can understand."

Wow, if only my boyfriend could have done this, it would have made a huge difference to me. My therapist tried to help me see that he couldn't, just because of who he was, and because he didn't have that level of self-understanding. But Nicolette is right - I bet he could have learned.

[corie]

I am a very self reflecting person and i can only agree with what Nicolette wrote. This forum helped me a lot to actually vocalize the things i need my husband to do for me to make it bearable for me. For instance: "Please let me know where you go when you leave the house" (he just used to be gone and not answer his cellphone when i came home from work) "Please let me know when you gone be back" (Just showing up drunk in the middle of the night). I am glad that i could get through to him on these aspects , because it used to drive me crazy with worry when he did this an regular bases.

I guess i am trying to say that communication is very important to get through this time.

[samsara]

A 'Carer' may need to accept that the 'Sufferer' may not always be available but a 'Sufferer' needs to learn to try and verbalise this somehow so the 'Carer' can understand. Some of what I have read here refers to a 'Sufferer' just checking out of the relationship, which I guess is fine if that is what they need to do for their illness, but they also have to be fair to the 'Carer' and tell them it is due to the PTSD so a 'Carer' has an understanding. A relationship is a two way street.

Well said. A relationship takes two. Sometimes people, regardless of PTSD are selfish and just want things their way. If you set boundaries and commend respect, the communication will follow, which is only fair and the sufferer realises it makes their life easier too.

As someone who has experienced and gained a lot ( good and bad) in relationships I can only say this, Yes PTSD makes things difficult for a relationship, but so do a lot of things. How difficult depends on how maturely you approach it and how honest you are with yourself about what you want from the relationship. Both parties need to be wanting the same thing. You have to want someone first and foremost, not NEED them. Need comes after want.

You can form a healthy and supportive one if the communication is there. You shouldnt be kept wondering all the time and you can't confuse your sufferer deliberately -- no games. Depending on the type of PTSD, depending on the maturity level of both parties it can be an amazing thing.

The danger of getting involved with the sufferer through guilt and compassion will place damage on you. You should be looking out for yourself, because if you are not strong, you 'aint no good to no body.

Be careful about getting compassion confused with intimate care and love. No one can save anyone except themselves, no one should feel sorry for sufferers, they should be loved like the next person, but a relationship is equal parts responsibility, or there is actually no point.

[Cowgirl]

I'm new here, but not to a relationship with a PTSD sufferer. I'm also middle aged, so I have had relationships with people who did not have PTSD, and have a basis for comparison.

Everyone has their ups and downs, their challenges and successes, their trials, their tribulations. At any given time, a partner, PTSD or not, may or may not rise to the challenge presented by your own life event. My PTSD partner has been supportive when needed, and he's also fallen apart when needed. And that is not so unlike other partners of the past who were not burdened by PTSD. Humans, regardless of their particular frailties, are merely human.

And so, one cannot build one's life around one other person, a partner, and expect that partner to provide everything one needs out of life. It isn't a realistic burden to place on another person, whether or not they have PTSD. That is not healthy, for either individual. One needs a network of friends and family. I think that is true for carers and PTSD sufferers as well (although some of them tend to isolate themselves too much to have an effective support network).

Cowgirl

[Nicolette]

Good views Cowgirl.

[deedight]

Im just curious, and I have posted elsewhere on here. My husband of 5 years, recently attempted suicide, and is not shutting me out. Does anyone or has anyone ever tried marital counseling?

Im so torn up and cry every day just being away from him. He is staying with his mom. I feel its now or never with getting help for our marriage and he does not. He is happy the way it is for now. He is staying with his mom. I dont know what to do.

Deanna

[Nicolette]

May I ask why your husband is staying with his mom Deanna? You must be feeling terribly alone during such a sad time. How are you? I have suffered the loss of a pregnancy and my partner took off at the same time, after bringing me home from hospital, and went and stayed with his mother for the week. It was one of the cruelest things he could have done to me at the time as I needed support and he just checked out.

As for your question, counselling is only good if all parties are willing and accepting. Forcing someone to go somewhere they don't want to go generally never has a good outcome.

[TLight]

Nicolette & Deedlight,

I just had an attempt a couple of months ago. My 'friend' picked me up from the hospital, still all drugged up.

Anyway, long story short, the first thing my 'carer' said when I walked in the door was "I"m going to California early." First words out of his mouth. I said, so you are abandoning me? Then my 'friend' proceeded with a verbal tyrade on what a victim I was, etc.

without the help of my T at this time, I would have blamed myself. He was the one that triggered my attempt, yelling at me, "I"m so sick of your self-pity". Next thing I remember, I'm in the hospital, my T called the cops and they hauled me off in handcuffs cause I grabbed one guys balls when he asked 'what's going on?"

I've since ELIMINATED these people from my life. None of this was my fault! They are selfish people with their own crap going on and they dumped it on me and it very nearly killed me.

They still won't own up to it.
So don't ever blame yourself for relationships gone bad. People have their own issues and you working on yours brings up what they hate about themselves. We've had enough self blame. I mean REALLY.

[Auburngirl]

Nicolette wrote:
"A 'Carer' may need to accept that the 'Sufferer' may not always be available but a 'Sufferer' needs to learn to try and verbalise this somehow so the 'Carer' can understand."

I think this is critical too : I try to do it. I did recently find myself in a situation where I was dissociated and ill and my partner needed support. It can be hard as when I'm ill my communication skills are seriously limited, but it's really important to me that he knows it's not him, it's just I'm ill and can't do it right now. Fortunately these spells of being incommunicado are usually brief, so I can try to explain and be there for him afterwards. It's not ideal though, and suggestions are welcome. I really want to be a good partner, and I don't ever want to use this as an excuse for not being there or treating someone badly.

[spiritofnow]

I am the one with PTSD and my previous partner who I am trying to reamin friends with has offered himself to me as part of my support network. We actually had a conversation about this very subject last evening.

His mother has cervical cancer, recently diagnosed. My lovely is very strong, independent and resourceful. He has a fantastic realtionship with his immediate family.

I ring him, text, and mail when and if I am having a bad day! Sometimes he just serves as a 'reaching out exercise', to know that someone special knows how I am feeling really does help. Other times when I am feeling lost he helps with practical sloutions.

Anyway, we got on to talking about 'us'......we did not make it! He said he finds it hard as I only call him etc when I am in need! Crap! I was only contacting him in those times becasue I assumed that is all we are to each other. I did not think about just calling him up to say 'hi'! Sometimes I don't think outside the box, not becuase I am selfish, but because I am treading a path that I thought we had agreed on. I did not realise we could just be friends to each other as well.

Anyway, I told him that I am here for him - always! He said he can't ask me even if he wanted because of where I am! I thought about this and sent him a text later.

I told him that I wished he would ask of me. I suggested that I feel that reaching out for support demonstrates strength of character (he is very, very independent). I suggessted that reaching out demonstrates trust between the two people. I told him that he knows that being there for others' is what I am all about and that he should use this resource that I have. In fact if he did I would feel proud and honoured that he would come to me. I also highlighted how aiding others' makes me feel; strong, confident, wothwhile and like I am a good person.

I hope I showed him that to ask of me would be positive for both of us.

Therefore, when someone is a carer I do believe that the caree' (ha) should ensure that they make it clear that they are able to offer support as well. I prefer it that way if I am honest - it takes the limelight away from me and I can think about someone else instead of me for a while.

Spirit x

[Cowgirl]

Spiritx, you are right. Someone with PTSD is not always on the "needy" end. And you are able to be the supportive one for others. My DH has been there for me, and continues to be there for me. There are times when I've needed him and he's not been able to deal with it because of where he is with his PTSD. But NO ONE is perfect, NO ONE is always able to be the strong one. With or without PTSD, everyone has their weaker moments. That is why there are friends.

And ... friends should be friends on the good days too, so the friendship is not based on crisis support. Give him a ring because the sun is shining, the birds are singing, and it feels amazingly good just to be alive - give him a ring on the good days, to share that too. ;)

Hugs,

Cowgirl

[aeb7311]

I am new to these forums but i have been looking for somewhere to link up with others who understand. I am under quite a lot of stress in my own life, as a beginning teacher, and now, with my partner's PSTD flaring up I also find myself as major provider, budgeter, housewife, cook, basically everything that needs to be done falls on to me. I'm sure I'm not the only one.

However, when I need to let go and just vent and cry, my partner just holds me close and lets me cry. He is the one that is encouraging me to see the psychologist, he is the one encouraging me to get out and do things for myself so I don't burn out. I think because of his PSTD he is more understanding and able to help.

Sometimes when I need to just tell someone about my day I find it best to call my mum, I know that she is always willing and able to listen, where my partner cannot always focus on my convesations.

Having said this, it doesn't take away the enormous guilt I feel when I do let go, and I feel like I'm putting more onto him. I try hard to be superwoman and keep all the balls in the air, but I can't always do it.

[Charlotte]

I am new to this, I was doing research and stumbled on this site. I am so happy to see things in writing that I have been feeling. I thought I was being selfish for needing the support and feeling like I was giving all the time. A sigh of relief to know I'm not alone.

[Cecilia]

I have never written in this section of the forum before; but after reading this yesterday, I asked my husband of 18 years what it has been like living with me (I am a PTSD sufferer).

He was very honest and said it was challenging because:
-I would shut down for days at a time and did not even realize I was shut down.
-My anxiety has kept him from being involved in some activities that he would have liked to enjoy as a couple.
-My depression is difficult because at times it drags him down and leaves him to care for the children, work full-time and make sure I am ok; which is exhausting.
-He has lost friends because they did not understand why I would get upset over something seemingly small and he would protect me.
-When I go for nights without sleeping; so does he. Not just because I am making noise and moving around, but because he worries about me.

I'm sure there is more to the list. I asked him what made him stay for 18 years and endure such frustration. This was his answer:

-He knew I had issues before we married. I did not try to deceive him about my anxiety and depression.
-Even though I shut down and get depressed; he always knows I will eventually come back.
-I always do as much as I can and totally relieve him and let him rest when I feel well.
-When I feel well I am always up and fun to be around. He's never considered me one to seek sympathy or attention.
-If friends leave because he protects me; then they can go because I am his best friend.
-And last but not least, he loves me more than his next breath. We are truly soul-mates.

I hope it is ok to post this here. Needless to say, I am very glad I asked that question. Today is going to be a great day! I am so blessed.

[spiritofnow]

And ... friends should be friends on the good days too, so the friendship is not based on crisis support. Give him a ring because the sun is shining, the birds are singing, and it feels amazingly good just to be alive - give him a ring on the good days, to share that too. ;)
Hugs,
Cowgirl

You are right! And, I have shared my most recent good news with him!

Thanks Cowgirl :-)

Spirit x

[heartbroken]

I can't speak for everyone else, but I stuck around because he's my husband and I agreed to stay with him for better or worse. Lately it's been worse. I'm wondering if maybe it is time to move on with my life. But I'm at least going to give him a reasonable chance to go back to being the man that I married before I run away. I would hope he would do the same for me.

[Cowgirl]

Having said this, it doesn't take away the enormous guilt I feel when I do let go, and I feel like I'm putting more onto him. I try hard to be superwoman and keep all the balls in the air, but I can't always do it.

Welcome to the forum!

We all try to be strong. But none of us really are Super Woman. We just try to be. It is human to feel overwhelmed. It is human to have weak moments. It is human to cry. You are only human. You don't need to feel guilty for being human.

You are doing a great job. Keep that in mind.

Hugs,

Cowgirl

[becvan]

I'm wondering if maybe it is time to move on with my life. But I'm at least going to give him a reasonable chance to go back to being the man that I married before I run away.

Hi Heartbroken. I'm sorry to say, but this is never going to happen if he has PTSD. I suggest you read the carer's section in the information section of the forum. Here is a quote that I think you could really use right now...

"Realize PTSD is a Life Long Condition. Do not waste time in thinking your loved one will eventually be cured or will go back to being the person they were before they had PTSD. One does not "get over" PTSD; it is permanent. Although your sufferer can reach a management stage and have a very fulfilling life, they will always need to work upon themselves to stay healthy. There will always be some matters they need to avoid. PTSD is now of a part of your life and theirs. It becomes part of the reality of not only the person with PTSD, but their family as well. It takes a while to integrate this into life. It's difficult, frustrating, tear-jerking and will be the cause of many arguments. However it can be done if everyone is committed to keeping relationships and family together." http://www.ptsdforum.org/thread6505.html

bec

[spiritofnow]

Becvan,

I am still conflicted over that message. I do not want to get into another debate about why it is true or why it is not!

I feel as I am going through therapy and working hard and I mean really hard I will not be leaving any stone uncovered. I feel, that I am actually dealing with the trauma and the effects of PTSD are not so relevant anymore. I have learned all of this and I am unlearning it. The symptoms of PTSD, for me, feel like a really bad habit that I have taught myself and I feel I can re-teach myself new healthy habits.

I don't feel I need, want to have the label of PTSD for the rest of my life. I guess the more I voice this opinion the more people may think, 'oh, she is in denial', that is not true for me. I am just hard working and determined to be my own heroin. I just instinctively know that I can do this.

I guess the actual trauma's that I have faced were way more devastating than the symptoms of PTSD. They caused PTSD so if I am cancelling them out as I go along then my symptoms will have no place within me.

I guess all I can say is watch this space!.............

Spirit x

[Browneyed_Dutchgirl]

Hi everyone,

I am new here. Guess I am also a stranger on this part, because I am a Dutch girl (33) whose boyfriend served in the Croatian army during the war in former Yugoslavia. He was also a member of the special police force. In '91 he was captured by the Serbs and kept in detention for more than 2 months. He was tortured but eventually released. After that he served as a special police (speznac) until 2000. When the first presient of Croatia died he was forced into retirement. He is 37...!. It's a long story how we met, what we went through. Maybe there will be time to tell more.

What I want to say is that without this forum I am not sure whether I would still be with him. I thought (when he told me he had PTSD) that it was about nightmares, stress, pain. But now I know there's far more to it. I read all the threads about shutting out. I know now what that is... I had two of them (we are together 1.5 year). Well, you could stand on your head if you like, but when they don't feel like talking they won't talk. The first time I had no idea what was going on. Whatever I texted, whether I called or not, he was just not there. We met at christmas in Croatiaand I had a wonderful time with him, his beautiful daughter and his mother (they live together). He waited 10 hours for me at the airport (I was delayed because of the wheather). After that we had diffiicult times (illness because of his stress), his financial problems, but no more shutting outs for weeks. He explained to me that when he did that he felt so awful that he had no words to describe how he feels. He then doesn't eat, doesn't go anywhere. After the second time, when I read about PTSD and found this forum, I found a letter here made by someone who has PTSD. A letter to his girlfriend. It is about the gift of presense, and about the metaphor of the cup filled up till the edge. Does anyone here remember? I translated it to my best Croatian and sent it by email. After three days he contacted me and thanked me for understanding him. After that I never heard this "You don't understand', 'You can never understand'; (although I know there are still a lot of things I could not understand). But he realized that I really loved him and that I wanted to at least try to understand him.

When I remember these periods of shutting out, I could cry. He is my everything. And now he can tell me that he never wants to be without me. We have our quarrels, and he has his bad periods, when there are financial problems etc. I just never stopped believing in him, whatever other people would say to me. I had seen someone so beautifull, emotional, so loving and honest that I was sure then that there had to be a reason. I know now. Yes, it is hard. But in my opinion, when he wants to fight for his love as much as you do, then everything is possible. And eventually he will give you just that what you needed before. Because they don't forget what you tell them and they can feel so much love and emotion. Because they knew hell on earth, they know what they want what they need in a person: lots of love and understanding. And they then have so much to give back!

I don't know what ecxactly I want to say here. I think I can agree with those who say that when they shut you out they have no other option. They feel so horrible, so stressed, in pain, worthless, that only the most urgent things around them (family, finance) is more than enough. My love tells me that he then also feel like a time bomb, about to explode.

But when there is love growing (he has never been rude to me), with mutual understanding (I tell him how difficult it was for me when he shut me out, when already being 1300 km apart). Recently he told me that he was sorry for the stupid things in his mind, that it was for him as well an exhaustion. That was the first time. He has no need to apologize, but it felt good. But he also said that he feels even worse when he knows that I am sad because of his behaviour. He can't stand seeing me in tears. Like he would say: whatever I do, be strong'. He also said that that it doesn't change his feeling about me. 'It's like I am on a highway, there is no end, and I just keep going on'. And then, there is this moment of awakening. So, I agree (from my personal experience) that they don't do this to be rude or whatever. It just happen, because of what happens in their lives (problems e.g.) or things in their mind which just go on and on. Today it can be ok, tomorrow it can be hell. When they feel love and security (that is what he keeps on telling me) you will be in his heart until he feels good enough to get back to you. Try to understand, but also tell him how this hurts you as well. But you have to ask yourself how much you love him, to be in pain just because you love him.

[becvan]

Spirit: If you would like to take this aspect of the discussion elsewhere, I'll gladly chime in. However this is the carer's section and is not the place to debate what was already done by asking for everyone's views.

bec

[mbaldwin]

Yes, it is truly a deep love. One some people can't fathom. Even your partner who is suffering, who feels unworthy, can not understand why you would love him so much.

Sometimes you or the suffer does not know he is sick, until you have been in the relationship for awhile, why would you quit on them because hard times are coming ahead.

[mbaldwin]

I have been dealing with this question for about a month now, he was just diagnosed, and this has been very difficult. Can i tell him what i'm feeling, will he respect& respond to my feelings. Usually, I have alwasy been able to say anything to him, but now, i do feel selfish telling him this is hard, i don't understand, i'm scared, i'm lonely, I don't want him to feel that I can't do this with him. Where do I go!! I can go for support to my family and friends, but they do not realize the severity of the disorder. They say, you know, you don't have to do this!! Yes, I do I love and support him. I want somebody to help me tell me how to cope!!

[Cowgirl]

How to cope. You cope in multiple ways.

First. Learn everything you can about the disorder.

Second. Realize that it isn't about YOU. You didn't cause it. You don't make it worse. You aren't why he is angry or withdrawn. So never beat yourself up about it.

Third. Set boundaries. This is true in any relationship, of course. But I think it can be especially difficult to set effective boundaries with a person who is ill. For one thing, they will test the boundaries differently than a person who is free of PTSD, and that may challenge your boundary-setting skills - it did mine. Still does. But I've learned how to set better and more appropriate boundaries the more I have learned about PTSD. You have to look at the behaviors, how they affect you (and your relationship) and then how they need to be dealt with, and that will vary depending upon the issue and your circumstances.

Fourth. Take care of yourself. If Mama ain't happy, ain't nobody happy. So do things YOU enjoy. Keep up with your friends. Don't allow your entire focus, your entire world, to revolve around him and the PTSD.

Fifth. Talk to him, but pick the appropriate times. Don't try to talk to him about "issues" when he is clearly having a bad day. And whatever you do, don't allow yourself to become obsessed with the "issues" to the point that that is all you want to talk about.

Sixth. Be upbeat with him. He is still the same person you fell in love with, and he is NOT totally defined by PTSD. When he's able, do the things you love to do together.

I hope that is of some help.

[Nicolette]

I want somebody to help me tell me how to cope!!

As much as we would all like the simple answer, I think dealing with PTSD is like having a baby and no-one giving you a manual to tell you how it works :wink:!

All fun aside.... I think no answer or solution will be the same for anyone as we are all individuals dealing with individuals with different stages of PTSD. There are some common good sense things which you can take on board - like the things Cowgirl has mentioned.

My advice is this:

Provide lots of love and support
Find an outlet of support for you (therapist, neutral person, friend) to enable you to offload your stress....bringing it home and adding it to the mix is ok for those short term things but ongoing is all bad.
Have some you time.....they can do without you for awhile
Don't put up with any crap....abuse, mistreatment or wallowing which is only attention seeking allowing them to use PTSD as their excuse
Stand you ground with good, healthy and realistic boundaries
Provide lots of love and support....more of it!
Sometimes be quiet for awhile (I know this is difficult for some females :rolleyes:) and think rather than speak
Hold them accountable for their actions....PTSD is an illness but not a cop out
Listen to what they say and treat it with credence.....they do hold some of the answers if you want to hear them....you need to let them speak and encourage them to teach you (help you to help them!)
Pick your times to have discussions re your feelings or issues etc and pick your battles....some things you have to let slide

[nlk]

This is one of the hardest things to do.

My friend can be attacking me one minute & then turn around and act like nothing happened & here I am feeling bad and want to let her know how I feel.

The balancing act is the hardest, especially when she doesn't realize how what she said or did hurts me.

Unfortunately, I don't have anyone I feel like I can just talk to, as no one but myself knows all the traumas-not her counselor, group or hubby.

Today was hard, as she hurt my feelings and doesn't even realize it, but then I think I may be too sensitive...I am waiting til tomorrow or the next day to bring it up to give myself time to think and make sure I didn't over react. Time for me helps in many things.

[Nicolette]

This is one of the hardest things to do.

My friend can be attacking me one minute & then turn around and act like nothing happened & here I am feeling bad and want to let her know how I feel.

While PTSD may be causing your friend to be hot and cold like that it is still not a good reason for you to be hurt........ how do you overcome this?....well that is another question!

The balancing act is the hardest, especially when she doesn't realize how what she said or did hurts me.

While this is true.....be careful with your thinking so you don't allow abuse and get into a cycle with it. Type in abuse cycle in google and do some reading I say.

Unfortunately, I don't have anyone I feel like I can just talk to, as no one but myself knows all the traumas-not her counselor, group or hubby.

This is not good nlk.....you will end up ill if you are carrying all this stress along with your friend's current behaviour. Talk here or tell someone who doesn't know your friend but you trust. You need to look after yourself otherwise you may end up sick also and we don't want that.

It bothers me that your friend has not told her husband. Why do you think this is?

Today was hard, as she hurt my feelings and doesn't even realize it, but then I think I may be too sensitive...I am waiting til tomorrow or the next day to bring it up to give myself time to think and make sure I didn't over react. Time for me helps in many things.

Mmm.... while I understand you have to pick your battles with PTSD that does not mean you should change who you are to accommodate your friend. If your feeling were hurt then they were hurt....you may be a sensitive person but just as you accommodate your friend's illness she needs to come to some acceptance of who you are and try to be understanding towards you. PTSD is not a one way street where you have to do all the giving. You may need to give a little more at times when your friend is ill but be careful in not creating an unhealthy one sided relationship where you lose you!

I know I sound harsh but personally I find things much better when I make sure I count too and that includes my feelings. The only difference I find with a male PTSD sufferer versus someone who does not have PTSD is that you have to be short and straight to the point. Say what you need to as nicely as possible but don't ramble on...walk away and leave it at that and let them think about it. I cannot comment on women but I would guess it wouldn't be much different. You need to read what PTSD sufferers say in their section to learn how their world is.

[nlk]

While PTSD may be causing your friend to be hot and cold like that it is still not a good reason for you to be hurt........ how do you overcome this?....well that is another question!

She is not really cold & hot to extremes at least to me during a 'normal' day. That is why I said I would wait to see how I felt after I had time to think over what she said & my reaction. I did talk with her the next day & she didn't realize what she had said offended me, she thought she was just letting me know facts.

And the way I overcome when she hurts me is to: 1. Think it over & see if I still feel the same way a day or two after the situation, if I still feel hurt then I know it is real & not just a response in the heat of the moment. 2. If I think she will be hurt or spiral down when I let her know how I feel then I talk things over with my hubby & get his feelings on it-I still may be just 'reacting' to the situation.

While this is true.....be careful with your thinking so you don't allow abuse and get into a cycle with it. Type in abuse cycle in google and do some reading I say.I have let my friend know that are certain things I will not tolerate & she understands this and abides by this, however I also realize I need to be more understanding at times just not a doormat.

This is not good nlk.....you will end up ill if you are carrying all this stress along with your friend's current behaviour. Talk here or tell someone who doesn't know your friend but you trust. You need to look after yourself otherwise you may end up sick also and we don't want that. Yes, her therapist and my hubby agrees 100% that I need to look out for myself. Unfortunately, I don't feel where I can share what I know with other people yet, alot of my friends are her friends -we walk in many of the same circles.

It bothers me that your friend has not told her husband. Why do you think this is?She has told her husband parts of the trauma but he just doesn't know how to deal with it or her. At least that is what I am seeing. There are times when she has had a good day with me and then goes home & spirals downward just from one word or question from her husband. And then I feel as if all we had worked so hard on that day is just gone. He triggers her unknowingly-at least I think it is unknowingly. I do know why she has not told her husband everything and can understand. I have also expressed to her that she needs to tell her therapist everything otherwise she will not heal as she needs.


Mmm.... while I understand you have to pick your battles with PTSD that does not mean you should change who you are to accommodate your friend. If your feeling were hurt then they were hurt....you may be a sensitive person but just as you accommodate your friend's illness she needs to come to some acceptance of who you are and try to be understanding towards you. PTSD is not a one way street where you have to do all the giving. You may need to give a little more at times when your friend is ill but be careful in not creating an unhealthy one sided relationship where you lose you!

I know I sound harsh but personally I find things much better when I make sure I count too and that includes my feelings. The only difference I find with a male PTSD sufferer versus someone who does not have PTSD is that you have to be short and straight to the point. Say what you need to as nicely as possible but don't ramble on...walk away and leave it at that and let them think about it. I cannot comment on women but I would guess it wouldn't be much different. You need to read what PTSD sufferers say in their section to learn how their world is.Nicolette, you are not harsh sounding. I understand what you are saying and I do read the ptsd sections. It has helped me realize that she is not alone & I even encourage her to read parts that I feel apply to her but she doesn't realize she is like this. Sometimes she will see herself, sometimes not & I let her know that "yes this is you at times". She has a very long road ahead of her and she is terrified of it, but then she is also terrified of staying where she is. There are days when I just don't know what to do & am scared myself.

I appreciate you helping me out. Just want to let you know that I know I need to take care of myself, it won't help her or me in the long run if I don't.

nlk