Does This Make Me a Selfish Person?

[Grama-Herc]

I have been here on the forum for a year now and I have to finally admit that I am unable to read the diaries of the other members.

I orginally tryed, but found it caused me to much anxiety. Now I just don't even bother.

Does this make me a selfish person? I try to read them, but I just can't.

[She Cat]

I guess I would have to ask Why???? What is it that bothers you about reading others diaries??? Is it triggering you??? Are you comparing yourself to others??? What are you feeling when you try???/

[Seeking_Nirvana]

I don't read other's diaries. I've looked in a few but found it to upset me. Plus I have a hard time reading long posts. I skip over them because I have ADD. I don't think it makes you selfish?

Tammy

[Claire]

Look after number one first Herc. Read them if and when you are ready.

[Grama-Herc]

I can see that I am not the only person who finds it difficul to read others diaries. I was just worried that by only dealing with my own "stuff" that it showed me a selfish person.

I am overly concerned about what people will think. I know where this comes from. Mother! To this day that is her mantra, bless her little pointy head. LOL She still occassionally says that when I do some funny and stupid thing in public. I do it just to get her feathers ruffled. Guess I should not pick on "me ole mum".

Sometimes when I try to read a diary I get unconfortable, uneasy, not sure---can't put my finger on the exact feeling. At least I know now that I am not selfish.

[grace5555]

Not selfish, Herc - protective of yourself and your pain level and you are the only one who can protect you and I am glad you are doing it with the diaries.

[sunnydaze]

Grama-Herc,
In time you may feel different. Don't worry about it
sunnydaze

[She Cat]

Herc,

I know how you feel. Reading other diaries is an uncomfortable feeling. For me, when I read them it reminds me that others are going through hell too. I feel less alone. I also use it (at times) to avoid my own crap. Easier to try and help others than deal with my own shit.

You may be able to delve into others diaries later in your healing, but right now it just isn't for you. Are you selfish???? Yes, IN A GOOD WAY!!!!! You are concentrating on healing yourself. When I was in therapy my T used to remind me all the time that I needed to be a little more selfish and pay more attention to me, and my healing than to others. I still struggle with this.....JMO!!!!

[cookie]

you are not selfish. reading posts keeps you in contact with others--fellowship, if you will. the diaries are more of a "if you want to, when you can" kind of thing. i'm sure we are all uncomfortable when we read something so personal and painful for others, but if it is making you stay upset, then you should wait til you feel like you can. i don't read others diaries, i come and go to the site to balance how much is on my plate. i deal with a lot of "others" problems at school. i pray for the people/problems here often for God knows all, and he can actually do something about it. i have trouble sometimes reading my own diary, and i back off some til i can. it is more important for you to be able to reread your own, as it is a kind of "exposure" therapy in itself. never feel guilty for self-care, it is not an option, but a necessity when you have ptsd. God bless.

[Grama-Herc]

I am now discovering something about myself that I was not really aware of until now.

I have that awful "need to please" syndrome. I don't want anyone angry with me, upset with me or have any type of problem with me. Must be sure everyone is alway happy and liking me.

I see this in others but never realized I had it too. This is like trying to balance wild cats on the head of a pin. Just can't be done. Of course there are those of us who keep trying. DUH!

So this means that when I said I did not care what other people think, I was not being honest, honest with myself.

My My My don't we make interesting discoveries about ourselves in this place?

[linasmom]

Herc,

I say all of the time that "I don't care what anybody thinks about me" and I'm such a liar!! I care more than the average joe what EVERYONE thinks of me, to the point that, I know this is what is causing my agoraphobia.

The issue is obviously, all about self esteem.

I'm glad you were able to make a discovery.

Best,
Rachel

[She Cat]

Self awareness, and self discovery is such an eye opening thing.....Sometimes it's ok, and at other times it just sucks to know the truth. But so needed.

[upstream]

I have that awful "need to please" syndrome. I don't want anyone angry with me, upset with me or have any type of problem with me. Must be sure everyone is alway happy and liking me.


I've displayed a lot of that too. Trying to make my mother feel better so she would be less likely to explode. I find myself doing it with other people too... always trying to make sure people feel good about themselves and don't feel bad things towards me. It got to be too much to handle at times.

[Auburngirl]

You're not alone. I cannot handle reading about other people's trauma unless it's in the briefest detail possible. I have to skip through it, or I dissociate.

I guess it could be seen as selfish, but it's also just avoiding things that make you sick.

[TLight]

Believe me, we have been taught how to please others over ourselves. I'm so good at making others comfortable and happy, and I seem to choose the ones who don't give anything back. Infantile love is what most people seem capable of.....But I"m choosing to believe there are people out there who really are capable to true, unselfish compassion. And I don't have to give up myself and my rights to get some of that compassion.

I don't think you are selfish at all. You have enough to deal with, let alone piling that on you.

I would take this from this forum what is helpful, inspiring and supportive, and (as they say in AA) leave the rest. No need to upset that little girl in you any more than she's already been upset.
I've read a lot of your postings, and if you're anything like me (more mature) your life has had enough of doubting yourself and your goodness.

You are good, probably more good than a lot of people.

[Grama-Herc]

TLight

More mature HA HA you made a funny! I'm old! Well maybe not old old, but old and yes I have been through the wringer too. But we do survive don't we? I sometimes wonder how.

Never thought about my ""little girl"" self. I guess she was told at some point in her life that she was selfish. Never thought about that side of it. Cuz I have always felt like I was a selfish person inside.