What If I'm A Guy And My Wife Was Diagnosed A Year Ago With PTSD?

[LostInTheFog]

Hey, I'm new here. I'm David, a 45 yr old male whose present wife was diagnosed about a yr ago w/PTSD. It happened while my kids(not her's, biologically) were in therapy for RAD (Reactive attachment Disorder) because their biological mom deserted all of us some 7 yrs ago. The therapist homed in my present wife and brought up all these issues about abusive past relationships, etc. Now she's on 5 medications - Risperdal, Valium, Wellbutrin, Zoloft, & trazedone(Sp?). I have to work 2 jobs to barely afford our house payment & bills. I am exhausted when I get home and I try hard to talk with her about her problems, but I must admit I am Aquarius - not a great communicator & when she lights into me I tend to walk away after being hit by multiple, repetitve insults. She takes care of the kids as best as she can after they get home from school, but she stays up late, is afraid to leave the house or get her driver's license, and the kids - in their RAD condition - give her holy hell. We have made progress recently, but we don't share the same bedroom. She claims our bedroom as her's because she says it's her only safe haven. We havent had much sex in the last few yrs and she blames me for that. But who wants to have sex after being verbally blasted?? Then, in the last 3 days, things have escalated to intolerable. I didnt go to my 2nd job today because she was screaming and begging me not to leave her alone with my kids. I'm pretty sure I must quit my 2nd job so I can get home by 5:30 to take care of them. The house is in total disarray, I do most of the cooking, laundry and cleaning with what little energy I have, and when I DO try to discuss her problems, it turns into the same old battle where she says I'm a bad parent and I don't love her, etc etc etc. I'm not looking for pity - I usually have a very upbeat attitude - but I am considering splitting up with her even though I am still very much in love with her. I feel helpless & hopeless. I need suggestions..... :crazy: thanks in advance. David

[Nicolette]

Hi David

I am so sorry to hear of your situation. It sounds like life is very difficult for all your family at present.

As a first step, I would suggest you go and get a second opinion on your wife. Making sure you are dealing with a correct diagnosis is fundamental. I am not qualified to make any judgement however, while some of your wife's symptoms sound like PTSD, it seems odd that a therapy session brings about PTSD. Did she display any symptoms previously?

[LostInTheFog]

no nicolette, no previous symptoms at all. It seemed to come out of the blue. she has also been diagnosed with mild depression and anxiety. I dont think i can get her to another dr... what can i do right now tonight? she doesnt have any kind words for me today, just shouting nasty remarks. :wall:

[Nicolette]

David, I have asked Anthony to have a read as he knows more than me. We have been discussing what you have written. Hope he can help.

[anthony]

David, I would say this much.... I believe you need to take control of you and your kids, you do not control your wife nor are you responsible for her actions. She must own her shit... as must you. Maybe.... just maybe.... the best thing for all concerned is to be apart for a while to see if you can find mutual ground. I cannot tell you or suggest to you what to do, only you can make your decisions. I would simply say to have a look at what is going on and what is in the best interests of all concerned parties!

Let me just say that five medications is a bit much for any person with PTSD, likely another typical story of a physician giving more medications for more kickbacks for themselves. How a person gets diagnosed with mild depression and anxiety when they have been already diagnosed with PTSD surpasses me, as PTSD encompasses already major depression and anxiety diagnosis.... see what I mean? More diagnosis, more medications can be prescribed.

Your wife still needs to be responsible for her actions, she owns them. PTSD if present certainly does have facets that she just cannot control until she learns how, until she understands why she does certain things, why things exist.... all education and learning for her. Now though, right now.... you need to take control as the more sane and do what is best for you and your children.... their needs are typically more paramount to any other.

Again, your decisions that you need to act upon. Your wife will pull out all punches though, trust me, being she will go to sympathy and make you feel like shit in order to stay, its a natural response to a situation one knows they are going to lose.

[LostInTheFog]

Anthony - thank you very much for your candid objectivity. She has spent tonight going back and forth from anger to wanting sympathy. she took down all her pictures around the house to get a response from me and locked herself in our bedroom and screamed wildly. I just comforted the kids and told them she is ill and all will be better. I, too, believe she is on too many medications and she drinks Vodka on top of them and tells me nothing affects her. I pretty much came to the same conclusion and am thinking of my children first. Thanks again. I will update you - I have few friends in which I can confide.

[Nicolette]

While leaving someone while they are ill is difficult, so is exposing your children to situations which leave an imprint on their slates of life... a Dr Phil comment I know. Your children have already lost their mother and are obviously suffering from it. To then add to that someone who is self-focused while putting stress and strain on everyone, ill or not, is not good. Your children need a safe haven somewhere...they need to come home and feel safe. I grew up walking around on tippy-toes due to an abusive situation (which yours sounds like) and I still pay the price for that as an adult. Can your wife go for a holiday/break somewhere and visit relatives/friends?

Alcohol is self medication...a deadly mix - 5 prescriptions and then one self inflicted medication of sorts....bad news if you ask me. It does also sound like your wife is not willing to take any responsibility for her actions; instead choosing excuses.

Please take care David and I wish you the strength to make the right decisions.

[LostInTheFog]

Ironically, Nicolette, my wife is an avid Dr Phil watcher. A co-worker told me that my kids shouldn't be walking on eggshells either. I have put my foot down Sunday morning and I am not budging. There is only so much I can take and I need to be the strong one. The scary part is that she introduced me to this forum & it worries me a little that she will, or has, read this and our other statements. Her parents came over yesterday, but they are in their 70's and I doubt they really want her to stay with them. My wife has always found comfort going to the beach, and she has a sister who lives there(about 5 hrs away). I don't know if she is courageous enough to get herself there - she has no license to drive but she has a car that I gave her and it's legal (inspected, insurance etc). Even a few days away, though, might give her perspective. Please keep watching and replying to my posts.... this is been a big hurdle to overcome lately and I so welcome your support. BTW no work tonight - my boss at my 2nd job called me at work and was very understanding. She hasn't spoken much to me since I got home, just one little dig about not calling my 9 yr old daughter's AL(advanced learning) teacher to see why she wasn't accepted in the AL program. My kids are super-intelligent. They are wiser than me it seems and have been really good tonight and lotsa hugs & love:smile:
David

[Damiea]

Hello David

I hope things get better for you and your family. Unfortunatly usually it gets worse before it gets better. Hang in there and stay strong.

[LostInTheFog]

Well, yes, this is the wife in question, and my "husband" is even using my username I signed up with! I came here for support today, but I see, to my surprise, I have been sabotaged. [yes, I know, typical ptsd feeling/comment] I thought this was a safe haven for me... but trust is hard to come by for me. I am certainly not here to fight with my husband David right here before all of you, and I will tell him if he wants to use this forum he needs to at least get his own username and not use mine, even if I never come here again.

I only want to set the record straight on a few counts. Most of them can be found in my intro. First of all, I am not on 5 medications, I am on 4. I do not take the trazadone at all, as it was prescribed for sleep and doesn't work well and makes me feel crappy, so I abandoned it long ago. I take Wellbutrin which motivates me and brightens my outlook, Zoloft which controls my emotions and keeps me from crying all day, valium for anxiety [switched from xanax] and was just added Risperdal to regulate mood about 2 months ago. All my meds have worked well, especially Risperdal, but as you all know, it takes more than only meds, it takes understanding and a strong support system to really get better, which I have been very far from having. Also, we have no insurance, so it has been very difficult to keep all medications going at once - I am usually missing one or the other. Risperdal even generic is 16.00 a pill. This has also made it impossible to receive any therapy for myself at all, which I desparately need, to work through the traumas - they are multiple, very multiple. I have relied on my own will to make it, 2 books, and you guys. That's it. I haven't gotten one ounce of support except from my parents and a few internet friends. I have 3 diagnosis, which are PTSD, panic disorder, and MAJOR DEPRESSIVE disorder, not 'mild'. This has been confirmed by no less than 3 drs., and I had to show "David" where they were written down in black ink until he would even believe me! He accused me of making it all up. Yeah, I don't WANT a drivers license, I WANT to cry all day, uh huh.

2ndly, a single therapy session did not bring my symptoms out as said, they were there, but typical PTSD, I was trying to stuff them inside and deny them, thinking I was strong and could just 'go on'. The situation with the children has been terrible for them and everyone involved, teachers, etc. If any of you were to look up REACTIVE ATTACHMENT DISORDER, you will see it among the most difficult of disorders in children to treat there is. If not improved by puberty/adulthood, the diagnososis is then termed Anti-Social Personality Disorder [a sociopath] or even Psychopathic Disorder. It is nothing to fool with, believe me, they have been violent the entire time [6 yrs] I have been with them, and has morphed into stealing, food dosiorders, and vandalism. The youngest [they are almost 13 - boy, and 9 - girl] goes into screaming rages that sometimes last 2 hours, scream obscenities at me, etc. NOT a good environment for a person w/PTSD, and I suppose I never should have taken it on, but by the time I figured out what was wrong, I was in, and have done nothing but try to help them, at the cost of my own health. David never even noticed anything wrong, even tho the boy stabbed a girl in the arm w/ a pencil in 2nd grade, called the Pricipal a bitch in 1ST grade, choked a girl on the playground, kicked his teacher, you could not touch or hug him, and on and on. I DO love them, and they have their great moments, but you can imagine how stressful such a siuation would be, 7 days a week, form school being out then being with them or alone until 11 or so at night, and in the summer ALL day. I do relate to them a good deal, because I have found PTSD and RAD to not be so different on many levels. Their trauma of losing their mom caused neurological damage and locked their hearts away, unable to give or receive love. They have actually made many improvements since I devoted my life to them getting better. [Now I see maybe I was trying to divert from my own problems]

Until the 2 jobs, we were doing ok. I KNOW that I have been instumental in what improvements they have made, their teachers, our friends and relatives all praise me to the skies for having the courage to deal with them and explain to them how to help, everyone except their father. He seems to not have a clue the sacrifices I have made for them. And get this - they should have been counseled since day one their mother left, but he has NEVER gotten them help, all these years, and that is why things got to this point.

I picked up the phone finally and got them an attachment therapist and made them an appt. [they have medicaid, so no excuse]. It has to be a therapist specializing in attachment, because one on one does not work due to their trust issues, it has to be the whole family.

So, what happened was, I was becoming increasingly more and more anxiety filled due to this daily, very emotional stress. One day I sat here sure I was going to have a heart attack, and my GP sent me for a battery of heart tests and all seemd to be well there. [when we did have ins.] I also realized I was having increasingly more and more irrational fears - afraid of Drs, cops, and on and on, until I couldn't go to the mailbox. But on the kids next therapy appt., I went in first and told him about the horrible anxiety issues I had been having, and off the bat he asked "Have you had any traumas in life?" I was like, sure, tons. As I said in my intro, mostly years of physical, sexual, and phsychological abuse, and the latest was losing custody of my 14 yr old after his father watching me like the CIA for 10 years, and taking me to court 2 previous times and losing, because I was an exemplary mother and had plenty to prove it. His motivation was all revenge towards me for leaving. Finally he got me when I finally could no longer afford a high priced attorney, and I crumbled. I cannot speak of my son to this day without breaking down, he was my world. Here come the tears now again.

Anyway, we had a couple more sessions [he wanted to focus on me so I would be better equipped to help the kids] and even a EMDR session, and even more came out that I had totally forgotten. I had lived a lifetime of terror. As I thought back, symptoms had been there for years, trouble on jobs, trouble with realtionships, even friends. A few major depressions along the way, never "mild". So that PTSD resulted 'from a single therapy session' is hardly the truth. Yes, Anthony, the depression has always been part of it all, it does go hand in hand. My husband knew of these things long before we married.

So now it was all out, but guess what? My husband lost his job and we lost insurance. So now all the snakes were out and I didn't know how to deal with them. So that's when I began to go really haywire. But the kids could have continued going to therapy, but my husband pulled them out. The thing that got me upset the other night was the oldest boy was beating me about the head and hit me in the back after not doing as told and continously cussing me and smarting off. He got no punishment, even though I could have called the cpos on him myself. Yes, I was going to pop his butt, but didn't deserve a physical assault. When I was still shaking and crying when my husband got home, saying I could take no more, it had ALL been on me so many years and I knew I would never get better with all this going on. I begged him to get the kids into treatment, but he just put his head in his head, whined about how awful his kids were, and left the room, as per usual, feeling sorry for no one but himself. It is the same with any issue. Communication is so poor I know nothing about our finances, his feelings about ANYTHING, I don't even know when he gets paid.

So I was mad at him walking out once again and refusing to discuss any options or issues, and and Sunday morning he woke me from sleep blasting that 'he was done with me because I am crazy'. I freaked. Any last bit of trust or security I had was gone in an instant. My Dr has demanded I not work so right now I haven't a clue of my future, but I assure you I am neither insane nor stupid, and I WILL get better, and beat this thing as best as I can.

I don't know if I will be back here anymore, but he had best get his own username if he does. I KNOW what's true, I am sick, yes, but I WILL SURVIVE.

[anthony]

Hi April, I agree that your username has been breached, though that is also your fault because you have left yourself logged in on your home system, your husband has then accessed your profile and posted under it. You breached forum policy. Your husband deceived members under your username. You have been moderated as a result. I have changed the account details back to yourself, you need to reset your password and even ensure your email account is secure.

[grace5555]

April - I am sorry for what you have gone through and the resulting response you have had here. Nothing like kicking you when down, huh? I don't have any words that will help - I just wish things would improve for you.

Thinking of you...
Grace

[linasmom]

April,

Just wanted to let you know that I'm sorry for what has happened to you here.

Best,
Rachel

[Cowgirl]

It is a sad thing, that a spouse would hi-jack another's account in that way. So sorry that you experienced this. I suppose it is a risk when people share computers, but when the person you feel you should be able to trust violates that trust in such a manner, it is a very low blow indeed.
Cowgirl

[LostInTheFog]

Thanks, I don't think I was left logged in, at least not to my knowledge. I have to log in each time. Anthony I did not knowingly "breach" anything. I have not even logged in in quite some time, it is still very hard for me to share here, and I do not need to be berated any more than I am at home, and I blamed no one here for what happened. You would think that a "supposed" intoductory poster, with several posts by their name, an intro already written as well, would have raised a red flag as tight as it is here. I did encourage him to join the forum, but I never thought he'd use my acct., and in fact he is so disinterested in my condition I never thought he'd even visit.

He just said he knows nothing about message boards and didn't feel changing my info, etc was wrong, and claimed he didn't even know it was "me". O-K. Boy what a great way to support me.
Passwords can also be hacked.
Oh well hell. I give up. Good luck everyone.

[LostInTheFog]

While leaving someone while they are ill is difficult, so is exposing your children to situations which leave an imprint on their slates of life... a Dr Phil comment I know. Your children have already lost their mother and are obviously suffering from it. To then add to that someone who is self-focused while putting stress and strain on everyone, ill or not, is not good. Your children need a safe haven somewhere...they need to come home and feel safe.

Are you calling me a child abuser? :stupid:Without knowing the facts. as stated below, they abuse me, and are very capabel of doing so. I am the only person on earth, including both parents, who have tried to help those kids in 6 long years. Furthermore, I do not drink on any regular basis, VERY rarely, but I did this past Sunday when he told me he would no longer support my endeavors and wanted to break his marriage vows to support and be there for me. I was devastated, so yes, I had a few screwdrivers. No, they didn't do me any good, or bad.

By the way, I occasionally see Dr Phil, who came to fame as a corporate "jury selection attorney" so I do not put much faith in his stuff. He doesn't even believe in attachment disorder. I AM an avid SCRUBS watcher at
3:00 in the afternoons.

[Nicolette]

Are you calling me a child abuser? :stupid:Without knowing the facts.

I gave my opinion based on the facts that were given in the thread. I don't think getting angry at me for trying to help someone based on what was said is fair. If anyone is at fault here it is not me. Just for the record, if anyone else said the same in a post my response would not change as parents should protect their children and provide a safe environment for them.

As I don't spend hours on the forum I am not familiar with everyone who is here and I don't go second guessing everyone doing a profile check before I reply to each post. I post on the faith that people are being open and honest.

I am sorry for what your husband has done in breaching your identity.

[LostInTheFog]

It is a sad thing, that a spouse would hi-jack another's account in that way. So sorry that you experienced this. I suppose it is a risk when people share computers, but when the person you feel you should be able to trust violates that trust in such a manner, it is a very low blow indeed.
Cowgirl

Thank you Cowgirl, and I just wanted to say that I am a cowgirl too!
I would really be in bad shape without my horse, he is my life and my
big anxiety reliever. Do you have horses?

Nicolette, I am very sorry I got angry, it was misplaced on you as I am trying to keep my cool here [at home] and not go off, and anything about kids really gets to me in the extreme, because of my loss of my older son. BTW, love your name, I have a niece named Nicole and if I ever had a little girl I wanted to name her Nicolette. [love Nicolette Larsen too!]

Thanks to everyone for your support and kind words; I got my password changed and all and I'm pretty sure he will never do that again. It IS possible he is so ignorant to not know what he was doing. :crazy: Not the sharpest knife in the drawer.

My parents are telling me I will never get better unless I leave this situation, but I can't go anywhere immediately so right now I need to get a therapist and keep on keepin on until I can change my situation. I'm a tough one, just a bit wacked.

:hello:

[anthony]

LostintheFog, I have taken you out of moderation now you have fixed your account security issues. I deleted your post about horses, nothing to do with this topic. I would advise your partner to get his own account though if he wishes to discuss you here as a carer... naughty David.

[Nicolette]

I deleted your post about horses, nothing to do with this topic.

I have moved a post and started a new thread for you, just follow this link http://www.ptsdforum.org/thread7120.html