TLIght, Terri's Nightmare Diary

[TLight]

When I was 8, the neighbors would jerk off my dog, place me underneath him naked, and let him hump me.

When I was 8, they tied me to posts, stripped, and the boy would hump me naked, I could feel the slime of his cum on my body, then they'd cover me with garter snakes. I never even cried.

When I was 9, they'd excite their stallion and make me jerk it off.

Constant 'sex' games of capture and submission. I don't even remember most of them, but it was constant.

When I was nine, they made me stand on the other side of a large haystack and throw bricks over, I was held down while they laughed. Finally one hit me in the eye, blood everywhere. I ran home and my father got mad at me.

When I was 10, I watched my father try to straggle my mother.

Throughout, after age nine, I was left alone with him while my mother worked. He terrorized me while I would do chores, follow me and beat and kick me if I didn't do it with a smile on my face. I stopped feeling anything long ago.
My mom would come home and go into radical hysterics when I told her. She was only concerned that she was tired from her day and hated coming home to this. She'd lock my in my room.

I was 11 and 49 pounds, bones hurting me in the bathtub, no one noticed. I started dipping into their scotch, replacing it with water.

Anorexic and bulmic off and on my whole life.

Started 'offering' myself to grown men in the nieghborhood when I was 11, don't know why.

When I was 12, he backed me into a wall when I didn't fold up the paper for my mom with a smile on my face. He punched me so hard, I had black lips for days.

When my grown brothers and sisters (5 of them) would come 'home' periodically, there would be fist fights and cops called. All because they had voted republican.

I can remember banging my head violently against the wall while in my bedroom, somehow thinking this would stop all the yelling, punching and chaos.

Had a flashback recently, think I was a toddler,not able to walk, chaos everywhere around me, fighting and screaming. I'm left on the floor, crying, can't get away. I got kicked in the head.

I was 8, would hide out on the roof of the barn with a knife. Just knew if I died, somehow this nightmare would end.

I started cutting then. My mom caught me once, dragged me into the living room by my arm, blood going everywhere, called me a selfish piece of shit and told me to just knock it off.

[TLight]

I've always slapped my own face when I've gotten upset.

I have always banged my head hard against the wall when I can't stop the agony in my soul.

At 14, I left home, mom abandoned me to my sister's. She kicked me out after a month. I slept with a man in her bed and got caught. When I came home from community college trying to get a GED, my stuff was in paper sacks and I walked off, alone into the streets of Salem.

Lived in a projection room in a drive-in movie theater where a man gave me a job. Started doing drugs.

When I was 23, I had to commit my father to Steilcom mental hospital. He was threatening to kill my mom constantly. I had to help her. While waiting in the ER, him strapped to a bed, he said I "Always were such a good cock sucker."
I think my father raped me in my mouth starting around the age of three.:crazy:

[TLight]

Picked up on the streets, crying in the rain once I got into Oregon State, without their help, they just signed the financial aid papers. I was the way I got off the streets. I was picked up by a man who took me to a hotel room. Can't remember what happened.

My father had wanted me to be a tennis star, I was already a straight A student, overachiever, perfect kid. He would come after me on the court, racket raised, threatening to beat me when I felt like giving up. I could never hit a shot that was up to his standards. He constantly called me a quitter and a failure.

My throat is hurting now, feel like I'm suffocating.

Got a $99 dollar a month room at school where we shared a kitchen etc in the middle. Other girls were out their having fun, laughing. I couldn't even come out of my room to pee while they were there. I'd pee in a cup and dump it down my own sink.

I still pee in a cup, I live alone. I relished peeing in my ex's cup, who abused me because I have PTSD. I raged until he too was gone.

I've always chosen men 'in-between' jobs who live off me. Three years with one, who blamed me, took me for drugs, I couldn't get into parts of my brain. I didn't sleep for 7 years, not one good nights sleep. I was psychotic at that time.

My brothers and sisters will have nothing to do with me. They blame me and say I made my own bed, should sleep in it.

[TLight]

Would always lie next to a man, very promiscuous, sleeping with all my bosses, sleeping with my teachers at school, sleeping with anyone who could comfort me, even for a few seconds. I would have panic attacks while lying next to them, all of them. I was used a lot.

At 23 I married. He slept with someone while I was visiting my dieing father. My mother would call me constantly and tell my how she wanted to put poison in his OJ, that would end his suffering. She'd lock him in the apartment, hide all the knives and go play bingo. Dad was a terrified shell, couldn't talk, a skeleton. She treated him like he was normal. On that visit, she picked him up out of bed and tried to force him to go out for a walk. His bony fingers grasped at the door frame. It was terrible.

At 23, my husband had an affair while I was in LV, watching my father die slowly and my mother, in denial, of course. I got pregnant when I returned. 11 weeks into it, my husband, who had stopped coming home at night, told me about the affair. I called mommmy, distraught. The good catholic woman she was said, "you get rid of that ****ing baby, who do you think you are?'

I punched my abdomen until it was black and blue, then went and got an abortion.

I was raped in college by a black man and his girlfriend. I sort of just gave up while it was happening. Called mom, distraught, "Well, just stay in school and we'll talk to you next week!" all cheery like.

I almost finished a degree in math, then went off and quit because I thought someone loved me. He didn't and now I was far from school. Did a lot of meth, drinking, pool halls, sleeping around.

Nightmares starting, flashbacks of being backed into the corner and punched hard, my head going from side to side. It's hard to drive now, too much stimulation.

I have men in my life, no jobs of course. I rage until they leave and blame the failure of the relationship on my craziness. I believed them. Over and over it keeps happening.

I know one of my triggers now, unemployed men. Men in generall really. Bullying chauvinist bosses who disrespect me. The anxiety is tremendous.

Diagnosed with PTSD, chronic depression and Fibro 13 years ago. Paralysis and huge pain in my body for years. No where to turn. My brother doesn't even believe I have pain. Says I'm making it up. Blamed me for committing my dad to a mental hospital. Says I blame my messed up life on my family. Just want to blame someone other than myself.
I believed him.

Complete nervous breakdown in Colorado at 29, harassed and stalked at work, owner said that 'some women like that kind of attention." I didn't pursue anything. Just a fetal position and shaking like a leaf. Even gave two weeks notice. Don't remember driving back to Seattle. I think I was dissociated the whole entire time.

Fighting SSD, fighting private insurers, fighting myself to get it together. Trying to be a biologist. School was the only place I was safe, it seemed.
graduated Magna Cum Laude. Two biologist jobs, bosses humiliated me and bullied me. Consulting is not where I should be.

Two suicide attempts. First one, no one even picked me up from the hospital, walked home in hospital papers. the slits' in my wrists bandaged.

in the hospital twice for passing out due to dehydration, again, sent home in a cab in papers.

Last attempt, pills too long in me, activated charcoal. 'Friends and lovers" attacked me the very next morning..........they are gone. I'm alone again, isolated. My T is the only one I trust. I screamed in the ambulance in handcuff for grabbing one of the cops balls, I screame over and over "it's not my fault!" That attempt almost worked.

Therapy for two years now. Trying to work, trying to stabilze. Still haven't done EMDR yet, too much happening. But I'm alone now, waiting for SSD again. I hate the thought of going up in front of the judge. It traumatized me the first time. I had to beg. So afraid of being homeless.

I believe in God, I love God, I'm certain there's a God...........I wonder why he hates me.........


I got a tatto yesterday of a cross on my lower thumb on the arm that has the long scar. I'm hoping I can look at it and it will help me to stay present. Anything to stay present and get on with things.

I just want to get on with things..........But I feel the damage in my brain. I feel it when I'm triggered. It hurts so bad. I hate the rages, but can't seem to stop them. The men I've been with have sort of deserved it....using me, I've pampered them and they just use me and blame me. So tired of getting blamed.

Anyway, I'm wondering if I go through these things in EMDR if I'll feel the feelings and be able to move past this.

Please God......I so want a good life, a good man, good experiences. It's been 43 years, not one good memory, only disaster.

The devil has been playing with me..........but the light is stronger.

[TLight]

Wow,
Went to 'girls night' last night for our street. Theresa, a very boisterous (especially when she's drinking) property owner here was talking about a rural cluster housing project on our street that Merle (a former client of mine) is doing.

Theresa was espousing to everyone at the table 'what a nice guy Merle is.' I came back with, 'well, I don't care for him. He asked me to change my scientific evaluation of a different project he was doing so he could take the 'falsified' data to the County and put in the road where he wanted it to go, through more wetlands, hence having more impact. He intimidated me to do this for him.'
Theresa shot back with, "Well, that's the way it is and you just need to get over Terri. He is a nice guy."

I said nothing. Yet later in the evening I found myself becoming angry. Felt victimized and bullied yet again.

Well, carried it around last night, had to take a Klonopin to even sleep, which I haven't had to do in a long time. Woke up this morning, shaking, angry, tired of being pushed around.

So I just called her and told her that what she did last night felt like 'bullying' to me. I also said, that my experience with Merle pointed to a lack of character, selfishness, unethical behavior, and putting profits over what's rght and legal. I suggested she examine the fact that he appears 'nice' to her because her brother is purchasing one of the lots.

My voice was shaking the whole entire time. I've sort of known that Theresa might not be a safe person, so I was prepared for an attack.

Instead, she explained she's had three martinis and was moving to the point that the development was going to happen, no matter what, and the lake community just needed to get over it.
I let her know, this seemed entirely like a plausable explanation and accepted it. I also let her know, that I'd been disturbed by her bad behavior and just had to call and clean things up............for my own benefit.

I'm so sick of dealing with bullying and just sitting there and taking it, later to carry it around and build anger, resentment, and hurt.

I think this was a big step. Wish I can get to the point when I can do it 'on the spot' but it seems that I don't even realize I'm being treated badly until, sometimes days or months later! I'm so used to it! It's so familiar.

I feel I had a success..........but Boy, it is agonizing for me to confront and stand up for my rights. I just hate to have to do it. But I'm getting better. I still don't think I'll ever like it. It makes me shiver in my boots...........

[TLight]

I'm terrified of going to work tomorrow. Haven't worked since last may.

Please Father. Give me one good experience having to do with work. I can't take anymore abuse or disrespect.

[TLight]

I'm worn down by the hypervigilance. Meditation helps.............feels like I've spent my whole life meditating, which is good. But my nervous system is so tired. It hurts.

[TLight]

Up at 4:30, stressed about entering a work place, always has been a place of bad experiences. I'm going to meditate, pet my cat, take a klonopin, and try to imagine that I'm going to a safe place to help out a friend with some chores.
Anything to get through it.

[Cindy]

I think this was a big step. Wish I can get to the point when I can do it 'on the spot' but it seems that I don't even realize I'm being treated badly until, sometimes days or months later! I'm so used to it! It's so familiar.

This was a huge step. I don't know about you but when this kind of stuff happens to me I shut down. Later, I think, I should have ....

I can probably count on two hands the number of times I have responded to people who I percieve are attacking me. It is difficult to do because I'm used to getting physically harmed if I dare say anything that is confrontational.

Bravo, you stood up for yourself.

[TLight]

Bless you Cindy,

So nice to talk with people who understand and who don't condemn or blame me for being 'too nice' etc.
'Just let go of your resentment.' etc. Like I'm not trying.

I worked 6 hours, trimming plants, rung some people up. It was nice, not bothered, harassed, no negativity, rudeness, my boss is wonderful so far.

I'm exhausted, like someone plugged the plug on my energy. Almost 12 years now of Fibro and chronic fatigue, a whole lifetime of PTSD.

I must say, I hate the people who've done this to me. I'm 42 and my life consists of fear of becoming homeless and horrible, endless fatigue. Now I have to fight SSD AGAIN.......I'm so scared. They make you feel like someone trying to get something for nothing.

My abusers stole my life :mad: I'm so angry.........nothing I can do but pray. It's so very sad.

Sometimes, I just feel like I'm waiting for it all to be over......

[TLight]

Feeling a little better today. Slept from 5pm to 6 this morning.

Trimming the plants, I thought of God. It was so nice to have a work day where I wasn't surrounded by complaining and negativity.

I had to tell them I could only work a max of 18 hours a week, since the SSD hearing is coming up. Seems I can only make a max of $640 a month for awhile. I'll still be going down in savings, but if I get the SSD, I'll make it.

I really want to pursue my 'real' career as a biologist. But I'm worried about the fatigue. I guess at some point I can try again, if it doesn't work, I can go back to the SSD.

I want to buy a little piece of private property in the woods somewhere and place a yurt on it, maybe two. I have some savings, with the back pay on the SSD, might be possible.

Then I want to write, write, write........mostly about the evidence of God in nature. Anne Dillard is one of my idols.

I'm thinking I can do this someday. I'm feeling a little better...........but tired of being poor all the time. After two degrees and such an impressive resume, I'm still poor. Can't even afford to turn the heat on now, don't want my savings to go down. I wrap up in a heating pad to stay warm.

I wanted a man so we could pursue these dreams together. Makes it a little easier and more fun with two. I've pretty much given up on men. Never met a good one. They all seem like children to me..........they just want a Mommy. I'm trying to Mommy myself! Don't want to be a Mommy to a man. But if I am, at least they can work! I always get the ones who stop working midstream............I hate that. I'm sick of them. All or nothing thinking?

If I ever do try again, I'm making sure they have money. I've always thought this was so despicable and worked not to be like that..........but, crap, why not! I'm not sure what else they are really good for? I never get much cuddling, no understanding for my feelings, I just work and work for them. So now, they have to have money........but also the same values for nature and 'low impact' as I do.
I had a date with a man on the lake a couple of years ago. He was building yet another house. He took me and showed me his $90,000 foundation. I just wanted to puke. I look across the lake at his place now, and he's just mowed down all the trees in front of his house all the way down to the shore............I hate that. So selfish. I can't stand the decadence I see all around me on the lake, million and a half dollar homes, etc. What's the point?
I guess I'm a little negative on this stuff. I'm not a member of the ELF, promise. There's nothing wrong with people wanting a nice home. They've worked hard.
I've worked hard too.........seem to be getting nowhere right now. Always staring over after being harassed and bullied at work.

Anyway, rambling in my diary today.:dontknow:

[TLight]

My self esteem is getting better.

I noticed yesterday that I wasn't pushing myself to be the best at cutting the little plants. I didn't feel like I was beng watched, like I was going to get hi any minute.

I noticed that I felt like I had nothing to prove to anyone. That I could just do the task at hand, and not be hyperviligant or feel like I wasn't good enough, or get in trouble at any minute.

I'm making progress, now I just hope my health will get better.

[TLight]

Just went for my walk, got some energy back and my walks are such a touchstone of my life. I've always walked, except when I wasn't in my body, I'd walk for hours and hours. I think I hurt myself like that. I'm more moderate now.

But Theresa, the one I confronted, was out in front of the house talking to, I guess, her Spanish maid (our lake is a bit on the yuppy side, I live in a tiny 600 s.f. run down cabin, soon to be replaced with a $2 million dollar home:mad:). But, anyway, I said "looks like it's kids and dogs day" because the mexican lady had two kids with her and three dogs were out.

Theresa totally ignored me.

At first, my brain went, "I hate f***cking people", but then, as soon as I noticed I was losing my peace, I changed it to, "perhaps she's just embarassed." "Who knows what she has going on, the most important thing is that you cleared the air for yourself and got it off your chest, if she's hurt, can't stand you, or just has a tampon up her a*ss, it doesn't matter, what matters is your feelings." "And if she's offended, she should have said so when we talked. Don't want someone as a friend who can't do that."

I think my thought patterns are getting better.

[TLight]

Boy, there's still a part of me that wants to blow her away! Shining some light on it here to take the power out of it!

[TLight]

When I was 26 or so, it seemed like my hips dropped, or something.

I'd always looked like a boy, anorexic. Straight and narrow, no boobs. Then my hips did something......I freaked out, I completely freaked out.........

Started having horrible nightmares of his claws around my hips, bony and barely with any skin on them. My hips bones would hurt, ache.

Had nightmares of him 'floating' in the corner of my bathroom.

Between the depression and the lack of sleep, I was losing it altogether.

F*ck, he did something to me! Wasn't enough just to beat me and hate me and never talk to me after age 10, he frigging did something to me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!

Then I'd look in the mirror at my eyes, all I could see was my mom in me. I shaved my head.

I was completely out of my body for years. My toes all turned into fungus, complete yeast overgrowth in my body, constant illnesses, depression like you can't believe. All the while, I had to work........people would say, "you are so cute." I f****cking hated that! I hated that cause I looked like my mom.

I was melting down constantly, men wouldn't leave me alone. Couldn't walk out my door without being 'hit' on. I was terrified constantly. Just wanted to be invisable. I was so unstable.....no sleep for years.

Then, the paralysis.....woke up, and my entire body had seized up. Had to go to work.
All this, and men move in with me and don't work and wonder why I'm constantly raging? Picking up knives?

Mother F did something to me. The beatings I can take, my mother's sick communications ("oh, Terri(said really sickly), what do you want?"). She told all my brothers and sisters all I wanted was money and that I was a loser and to stay away from me. She lied to them. I stopped at an older sister's once and she said, "my God, you are nothing like mom said you were, you are a decent person."

Why me? God, why me? And the still all hate me? I'm so confused. The confusion is the worst. My head is twisted into knots.........

I hate them. I absoltely hate them.

[TLight]

I want to say sh*t, f*ck and million times, really fast.

I feel like killing both of them if they were only alive still.
I'm so angry. It seems there's never an end to the anger.

Sorry, folks, this is pretty awful. Hope it's not triggering anyone too much.
My life has really sucked. I've been losing my mind ever since I can remember.

Why Lord?

[Shoshin]

T, Your courage in dealing with this and writing about it is awesome. I am cheering for you. Please don't stop.

[TLight]

The other stuff was 'easy' to write. This part is making me really anxious. I have to go to bed soon. Trying to 'feel my feelings.'
Had a doc say that once, I said 'what I feel is complete terror!" What the h*ll? I'm supposed to feel that?

How does one 'feel' terror? I don't understand. My head just hurts and I feel sick.

Why did I even start this d*mn thing?
Thanks for the support Shoshin.......this sucks man.

[TLight]

Geez,

Woke up this morning remembering how my Mom and b*tch sister stopped by on a 'surprise' visit when I was 20. I was tending bar in a popular place in Oregon. It was late afternoon, so not that many people in there, thank heaven.

I was actually sort of proud I was working in this 'hip' place. My Mom walked in, started screaming at me, telling me what a loser I was, slapped my face in front of everyone and said,"You're never going to be anything but a stinking waitress."

I slunk away in shame and started washing glasses. They left town.

Then, 23, moved out to be an innkeeper at a really nice B&B on the coast with my boyfriend at the time. Mom & Dad stopped by in their RV from their travels, piece of crap RV, they were always poor. I got them the honeymoon suite to stay in for a night, trying to be a good daughter.

Dad walked in it and said immediately, "This is so f*cking stupid fancy, who f*cking needs it." Turned around and went back to the RV with Mom. Showed his self esteem, really. I had no idea what to say to the owners.........

The next day, just couldn't deal I guess. Was completely numb, not even functioning really. Barely remember grabbing a blanket and walking out the back door of the inn. I went into the sand dunes, curled in a fetal position under some scrub in a depressional area, and just lie there until sundown, shaking. Then came back. Everyone had been wondering where I went. My father said something like, "always a quitter, like I thought."

[TLight]

Later, when I decided to leave that job, too many bad memories. The owner said, "we'll, your young white and 21, I'm sure you can find something to do."
I just took it, didn't even say a word.

I had broken up with my boyfriend a few months early. He found me leaving a bar one night, stuck a knife in my stomach, I grabbed it with my hand, slicing all my fingers. Still have the scars, blood everywhere.

The owners of the inn got their hotshot Seattle lawyer brother to defend my boyfriend. I completely caved. Just wanted it all to go away. Talking with the lawyer brother..........His wife, 8 months pregnant in the next room, he tried to put his hands down my pants.

This is when I really realized there was no such thing as real love in the world. This was right after my best friends husband snuck into my room when I was spending the night with them and started foddling me. I think all me are pretty selfish.........just my experience.

[TLight]

Anyway, Way too many horrible job experiences to even convey here. I realize now what a victim I was.

Finally finished my degree after a series of abusive jobs I would't leave cause I thought I just had to endure the suffering, or else I was a quitter.

Finally got my degree, thought I'd get some respect. Worked for Environmental Consulting firm. Wrote a Biological Assessment for impacts to ESA listed fish on the Cowlitz. The head Biologist wanted my to 'calculate' the aquatic impact area based on studies down on underwater sound travel. This was said in a conference call I was in on.

I spent three days researching. Calculated the best I could what the extent of impact for harassment and harm, all kinds of mathematical models I cited. This was in a riverine environment, so not many studies done there, so I had to make some assumptions and back them up with logic. Wrote an extensive reply.
My boss called me in the office, got another biologist on the speaker phone who had worked for him from New Zealand, called in the other three Bios in the office. They all totally tore my work apart, an hour of not construtive critcism...........just humiliation. Said I'd taken the whole question and over complicated it. I said, "she said she wanted calculations!" He said, "there's bends in the river, you don't listen, you just want to toot your own horn." Exact words. His intention was to humiliate me. I was humiliated..........

Left just in shock that day. The next day I picked up Mocha's for everyone. I put a whole box of chocolate laxatives in his...............had to do something to fight back.
He continued to pick on me. I would just shut down. Stand behind my desk and criticize every word I used in a document for hours. One night, he kept me to 9pm, criticizing. I thanked him the next day. That's how much of a doormat I was. Finally, coudln't take it anymore. Walked out on morning. Went home and sunk into a depression that I'd never experienced before in my life.
Finally met with a therapist after getting out of bed only to pee for a month.........She wouldn't take responsibility of me until I was hospitalized.

Shouldn't tell therapist's right off the bat that your considering blowing away people.

Then I found my current T. She too wanted me in a top notch trauma hospital right away,but I couldn't afford it. Decided to do it outpatient.
That was two years ago.

[TLight]

ps..........I graduated from UofW, top notch research Univ with degrees in Biology and Quantitative Science, 3.89 GPA............I'm not an idiot. He made me one. The other Bios there said he did it repeatedly because I let him.

[TLight]

Ughh,

I was 8, my German Shepard, Zorro, jumped in the pig pen. He never hurt them, just nuzzled with them. We used to let him do it all the time.

One time, Dad was out there. Pig cans are thick heavy wooden things. Zorro never had a chance. Dad chased him around, repeatedly pounding his back with the cane, over and over my dog yelped in pain, couldn't think quickly enough to jump out and get away. Seems like it went on forever. Dad chased him like he wanted to kill him. He almost did.

I only wished it was me in his place. I thought if I died, everyone else would be OK..........I was only 8.

Zorro never walked the same again. When we moved from that house, my father told me to lay down and bowl of food..........and we left. I never saw my beloved friend again. I hate Dad for this mostly. Do anything to me, I can take it...........do it to my dog........I'll kill you next time.

I've always had dreams of shootng him with a shotgun. I just thought this was normal.

I feel sadness.........that's close to something, right?

[TLight]

I have to hae a lay person testify at my SSD hearing. I had to call my old "friend' in Seattle, only 'friend' I have left. Actually, I haven't called her yet, sent her an e-mail. She said she'd do it, of course, she has Fibro also.

But can't talk to her about the PTSD.......tried to once, after my 2nd attempt, and she just said, 'darling, don't live in the past.' My T says she's from Romania and they are just like they, they lived through the wars and don't believe in looking back.

But I just feel sick thinking about calling her. I don't trust anyone talking about the PTSD. I'm so sick of being 'put down' told to 'get over it, ' etc. etc. Makes me feel like such a loser...........

Dont' they realize when your 'f*cked in your mouth when your three, beaten, surrounded by violence, that this does something to your brain? Why can't people just get that?

More injustice...........I'll get through it. She's well meaning and a safe person, never betrayed me or treated me bad (yet). I just hate it though.

[Shoshin]

TLight, make sure you pace yourself. I recently wrote too much and went into a bit of a tailspin. My T told me to pace myself...less is more...let it out gradually...steadily...because each time we open an old wound, it will bleed, even if we cannot see it on the surface...you are so strong and I admire what you are doing. You have been, you are, and you will be a survivor. I am still cheering for you.

[TLight]

Thanks Shoshin,
I'll take your advice.

[TLight]

Well guys,
I told my T about this forum. She's pretty worried about it. Afraid I'll get hurt or that there are people on here who are perps disguising themselves as sufferers.

I admit. I've been spending a lot of time on here since I found it. I'm a little freaked about that myself. I think I need to get out and do life a bit more. Find out how to really do boundaries instead of just exposing more, which I did here. That's how I get hurt.

Anyway, I'll be signing off. Don't think this is a good venue for me.

[spiritofnow]

I feel like crying! Why have you just left? What made you think there are bad people on here? I am scared now!

Please mail TLight.

Spirit x

[spiritofnow]

I am scared to stay now!

Is it just what you T said?

Spirit x

[Jet]

Tlight,

Are you ok? I understand being scared...but please give us a chance. There are good people here. If you need a break that is certainly ok and understandable but please know that there are people who care and who understand.

I left for a while and the main reason I came back was because I have not come across many people who do... Being alone is a hard and scary thing...but then again for us sometimes the opposite is true also.

No pressure, just know that you are not alone.

Jet

[spiritofnow]

I don't want you to go either TLight. I am real and genuine! I am here if you want to talk. I am sorry I freaked out - what you siad triggered me!

Spirit x

[spiritofnow]

you are imporant, to me you are! Another girl like me! Please think about this before you just go!

I will stop messaging now! I am here for you. Spirit!

[TLight]

Thanks to Spirit, Jet, Shoshin..........all who wanted me back.

I realize I did an 'all-or-nothing' thing. Got very scared.

Today? Huh, It's 8:40 am. I need to leave for work at the Nursery in a half an hour. Taking a shower has wiped me out.........the Chronic Fatigue again. supposed to try and make 8 hours today. Trying to rest right now, gain some energy.

Only working 2-3 days a week. Savings are depleting. Don't want to turn on the heat, can't afford. SSD hearing on April 18th............huh, dreading it really, fighting with them for 12 years. I'm not a loser.........I'm sick, I have a disability. I want to work! But they don't treat you like that.

Anyway, the sun is out here today! Such a rare occurance. I think I will focus on that and focus on enjoying my day, pacing myself, and knowing that God will take care of me.............

I'm going to go to a Working Women's Meetup here in town next wednesday. REally just to make friends, experiment with boundaries, establish some contacts, do something normal............I think it's a good move. Trying to make some positives here.
Also want to do some volunteer work at the ole folks home, sit and talk with them, play games, give and recieve some light and good. I know God has a purpose for me, would like to be a field biologist.........but that may still come. The past will not haunt me forever...........yes, I have the physical effects, but I can put that into perspective and just deal.

HOpe everyone is planning a wonderful Easter! The Resurrection! New Birth! A New Start! Fertility! Bunnies Everywhere! :hello:

[Jet]

I am probably not going to stick around today. Really, really tired. Have a lot of stuff to do today too. But I wanted to say that I am glad you decided to stay...Also I think that your Working Women meeting and definately the ole folks are great too.

Just remember to rest...Take care of you.
Jet

[Shoshin]

I am glad you are still here.

[JustJane]

You're not alone. And what you feel is a shared feeling. I find plants and animals very soothing creatures to be with.

[Jet]

B and I are looking into buying a house in the next year - year and a half...he was all gung ho about the sub-devision his twin is moving into...nice enough looking and you pick it all out yourself yada yada yada....

But then I started talking about wanting less house, more land...It is not that I want to hide away from society or anything...But I believe that having the space to get closer to the earth...be it through gardening, horseback riding, having animals, etc...will make me better able to cope with life in the real world...


I think he still thinks I am a little nuts though...

[TLight]

I reread my diary. All those events are in my conscious mind.........but I don't really feel anything still.
My therapist says I'm feeling better because I have some distance on the memories. I think I'm feeling better because I got the crappy man out of my house, am not stressed by work and not being triggered. But I do feel better. Like I can maybe get on with things.

But it still worries me that I'm not feeling anything when reading all this. Perhaps that's good, perhaps I should just leave it at that.

Perhaps its time to just concentrate on not getting victimized anymore.

I did do a lot of, what felt like, grieving when I got my ex out. Grieving for a ton of stuff, I guess.

I should just be glad I feel better and not second guess it. I'm just not sure how this healing stuff works, because we really haven't worked with any of the memories in therapy yet. Am I still numb?

The anger seems less, but that's because I'm not being triggered. I wonder what will happen when I get involved with a man again? Am I going to go beserk? If he doesn't have a job, I know I will.

Pondering...........

[Cecilia]

Good to see you back. I'm kind of all or nothing myself. Totally understand.

[Jet]

Oh yeah...you are still numb. Which of course makes sense since you have been through more in your life then most in the real world would get in 10 lifetimes. There is no way you would be able to process it all at once so...

And as much as I hate to say it you are going to have to work your way through it and it will hurt like hell...I'm sorry.

Honestly I would not stress about the future...it will come when it gets here and in the meantime you should focus on getting through today. You are doing great.

As for the man thing...well you probably will get triggered...a lot I am sure. So I guess it would depend on the man...Triggering does not necessarily mean the guy is bad news...It is going to be a matter of taking your time and finding the one who is worth it.

[TLight]

Just waiting, I feel like I"m just waiting............

[TLight]

Well, that's it.

Got the results of an MRI yesterday morning. So many years feel like I can't get into parts of my brain.
I have a tumor.....my only friend.

A blessing is disguise. I have refused treatment. A few months probably. Prior to the pain and weakness being too much. I will move up to the mountains with my tent. I'm thinking July.

Hope this doesn't disturb anyone.......I'm just feeling so very relieved. Very very relieved.......Thank you God, you have answered my prayers.

[TLight]

My soul died a long time ago. Now my body finally will......

My T knows, and she's OK with my decision.

[Jet]

I don't know what to say....

[grace5555]

:Hug_emoticon:I don't have words either...God, please bring comfort here...

[Shoshin]

TLight,

My sincerest wish for you is peace, in whatever form that will take for you, and I hope there is a way for you to find it even as things turn upside down. Your last few comments sound like on one level you may feel a sense of relief, a desire for release, a readiness to move on. If you do head for the mountains, you might ask around for some book titles about the spiritual stages of what is next.

I have no idea what your spiritual leanings are, but there are some interesting books out there (in many traditions). As a Buddhist, I find the Tibetan teachings on making the transition to be very encouraging and peace-instilling. A very condensed version of their teachings can be found in one of the chapters of the Dalai Lama's book How to Practice, but there are other, better titles I am sure.

This next phase will offer you the opportunity for profound realizations. I offer you my prayers and thoughts on your journey. Your presence on this forum has touched my life, and you will be on my mind.

Peace,
Shoshin

[spiritofnow]

I am humbled and deeply moved by your courage.
Your soul did not die though T, it is strong and bright I see it! It will hold you in your hour of need.

I have been staring at the screen just thinking what can I possibly say that will have some meaning and give you some comfort. There are no words, only LOVE and I am sending you every single bit of love that resides within me, to you.

I am giving you my arms to hold you
I will give you the heat of my body to keep you warm
I will give you my hand to hold
I will give you my sesnes to allow you to feel and remeber that you are thought of.
I will give you love from the centre of me

I give you my love

Spirit xxx

[TLight]

Thank you all...........Yes, I've read and reread the Dali Lama's book on the stages of death, the things I'm likel to encounter. I think I've done enough meditation to go through the fires of Mara.My T called last night. I said, "you know, in 43 years, I've never even had a true friend." I feel like, even though virtual, I can say I've found that online. Thank you all.............I think I'll be signing off now. I'm very much at peace, no fear, just really happy I"ll finally be where I've always wanted to be. I've never felt so wonderful in my life really.I wish you all to continue this journey here and my hope is you find more here than I've been able to. Spirit, I will miss you and I do feel your presence, I feel all of yours.I think the next few months I'll just spend in meditation. Working on forgiveness..........I do not want to meet God with any unforgiveness in my heart. This is good, very good.

[spiritofnow]

Underneath this smile lies everything
All my hopes and anger, pride and shame

I make myself a pact, not to shut doors on the past
Just for today I am free

I will not lose my faith
It's an inside job today
I know this one thing well

I used to try and kill love. the highest sin
Breathing insecurity out and in

Searching hope, I'm shown the way to run straight
Pursuing the greater way for all human light

How I choose to feel is how I am
How I choose to feel is how I am

I will not lose my faith
It's an inside job today

Holding on, the light of night
On my knees to rise and fix my broken soul
Again

Let me run into the rain
To be a human light again

Let me run into the rain
To shine a human light today

Life comes from within your heart and desire
Life comes from within my heart and desire
Life comes from within your heart and desire

[Jet]

I am still finding the right words difficult...maybe that is because they really don't exist. But I am going to try...

I have always believed that people come into your life at certain times for reasons that we may not be aware of or cannot understand. How grateful I am that I decided to return to the forum and had the chance to meet and get to know you.

Your soul is not dead and I am awed by its strength and courage.

You will be in my thoughts and prayers...you will be neither alone or forgotton.

I will miss you, my friend...may we meet again in the next lifetime.

Blessings,
Jackie

PS I am going to private message you my phone # and email address...you may never choose or need to use them but please remember that in most cases I am only about 40 minutes to an hour away...

[anthony]

I have now moderated Tlight due to the notifications in this thread. This forum consists of those traumatised enough already, and is not equipped to cope with or take on a person suffering a tumour. Sorry, but it is like saying your going to kill yourself, same effect on a PTSD sufferer. Some may think this is harsh for me to do, but its not, it is the best thing overall for the community at large who are here to deal with PTSD, not to take on sympathy for a dieing person, or so says, as this is the Internet and anyone can be anyone they want. I have stopped it now.

[pandora]

Thank you Anthony......this really was awful and made me feel so helpless. It saddened me alot. i am a nurse, palliative but that is why i have not come to a PTSD group, finding it hard to take care of myself I had to comment.

Please get treatment and mayge even hospice....they help you. I am so sorry, I don't knowwhat to say.

[spiritofnow]

I can only speak for myself but I too felt so utterly helpless in this situation. I just hope that there are people in the world who can do more for you Tlight than we can on here, I really do!

Spirit x

[Shoshin]

TLight,

The love and support and encouragement that you found on this forum is not unique. The forum does not have a monopoly on any of those things. There are support groups and hospices and outreach organizations that want to do the same for those with cancer, terminal or not. If you decide to reach out in that direction, I am confident there are others who will respond as we have. I am wishing you the best.

[spiritofnow]

I see you are on and want you to know that I am thinking of you!

Spirit x

[TLight]

I apologize to those I retraumtized.
I've decided to get the surgery. It's happening next week. Keep on keeping on...........