My Boyfriend - Separated Now

[neverforget]

Hi.

I've been browsing and trying to learn about PTSD a lot lately, and just found this forum.
I broke up with my boyfriend one month ago though I loved him with all my heart, and still do.

Everything was ok but when time came for us to live together he started to act weird. He seemed confused, became distant, couldn't express his feelings.
I suffered a lot from this change and finally realised he had a problem with setting up together.
He said he wanted to "try for me", but he was scared.
I tried to make him talk about why he was so scared about sharing a place but he could just tell me he was "stuck with himself" and that it had nothing to do with me and that he knew it was hard for me too.

Communication became really hard from then, and I had the feeling he was just trying to avoid a real conversation. I couldn't understand him at all.
I told him we could stop our relationship if he was not happy with me or uncertain about his feelings, but he said he didn't want it.
He became so passive, didn't try to improve the situation and I got totally discouraged. I felt he was indifferent and decided to break up.

He told me he didn't want our relationship to stop, that he thought it was just a break.
He kept telling me that he didn't want me to suffer and that I deserve to be happy. But I still couldn't get any explanation about the way he felt and why he didn't want to live with me.

I know my boyfriend lived a traumatic event a few years ago. Don't know much about it cause he didn't really want to talk about it.

He was sharing a flat with his girlfriend and her brother, who was also his best friend at that time. One day the last one commited suicide.I know nothing about the circumstances around this terrible event.
I just know after that his girlfriend broke up with him and he had to live the flat. Then my boyfriend's parents came to pick him up and took him back home. He told me he was only 55kg at that time, so I guess he was in a very bad state. It's all I know about that story.

Just one time my boyfriend showed me a picture of that friend he seemed to love so much.

I don't know if I'm right or not, but I was wondering if my boyfriend could suffer of PTSD and that would maybe explain how reluctant he was to share a place with me, like it could be a symptom of avoidance?

He had frequent mood changes, like he would tell me he was down.
He said he didn't know why, maybe the weather.
Lately he spent too much time alone watching movies. Before sleeping, in his bed, like it helped him to fall asleep.
He even downloaded a documentary about families and friends feelings after suicide of loved ones.

Even if he never let me know, I'm sure he was suffering, but kept it all inside. When I tried to talk about it with him, he just said "not now" "we'll talk about it another time".

Do you think the fear he felt about living with someone again could have lead him to let our relationship die?

Before meeting me he spent several years without having a girlfriend, now with hindsight I think it was maybe a way for him to protect himself from an eventual suffering...

In the beginning of our relationship, he told me he had a block in his head, I didn't really understand what he meant...

I remember I felt it weird he couldn' t say "I love you", and one day I was asking him about his feelings for me and it made him cry to tell me he loved me, like saying those words were a real source of suffering for him...

I feel so helpless I couldn't understand him and things ended this way.
I love him so much and I wish even if it's not with me he can have a happy relationship, to love and be loved again.
He's 31, handsome and interesting, it's such a waste he seems to be convinced that a real relationship is not for him.

Thanks for your help.

[neverforget]

I've just remembered something he told me : "you keep me normal."

I've been wondering about the meaning of this sentence.

As a PTSD sufferer do you feel like being in a relationship makes you feel "normal", I mean like you feel you can love and be loved like anybody despite of your anxiety and fears?

I'm sorry if I'm not very clear, but English is not my mother tongue.

[neverforget]

any opinion? :dontknow:

[sisu]

Hello,
I have no great insight, although I am in a similar situation. My boyfriend told me he had ptsd very early on in our relationship, but I had no idea what it was nor did he show any symptoms. His is combat ptsd from military service. Anyway, he was quickly able to express his love and say "I love you" way before I could. We had a wonderful, symptom free 8 months. Then at the end of January he went into a downward spiral with his ptsd. He says he is not good enough for me and that he is destined to walk alone because he is no good for people.

I have just encouraged additional treatment....he already takes meds and gets a tiny bit of counseling. And I also let him know that I am here for him even though he is pushing me away. That is about all you can do. They have to want to get better. You can't make then want to get better.

Just encourage him to get treatment and let him know you are there.
Good luck to you.

Sisu

[neverforget]

Thanks a lot for your post Sisu. It's very appreciated. :smile:
It's good you can encourage your boyfriend to get treatment and you can talk about it.

My ex is aware there's "something wrong" with him, he told me so and clearly expressed the way he could feel lost and confused sometimes.
But he never really explained what made him feel this way, and I have no clue if he got treatment or meds in the past.

Now I've read about PTSD and I'm informed, I know about shut outs, delayed reactions, sleep issues... and it makes sense. I start understanding the behaviour he had and that didn't make any sense to me at first.

After I decided to break up, I sent him an email with info about PTSD.
I felt I had to do so. I told him we trust each other enough, and I hope he knows I care for him so much. I told him I apologize and hope he won't be angry at me if he thinks PTSD doesn't concern him or it's not my business.

He answered he didn't know what PTSD is, and that he would read what I had sent.
Since then no news from him. I'm not really surprised about it.
I wonder what he thought about what he read...I have no clue if it helped him in any way.

Sometimes I wonder if sending him these info about PTSD was not too agressive, and if it was a good thing to do. I kinda feel guilty I didn't act the right way with him.

Now I feel like there's not much more I can say or do...

[samsara]

I know it's confusing.
He could have PTSD, maybe not. But if he never dealt with his grief properly, he's definitely got some major depression -- and a problem.

I suffered severe but fortunately acute-ish depression and I know living and being on your own when you are depressed feels like the only way. I hid from the world for 6 months, and as I started healing again in CBT, I ran home to the womb, to my parents and eventually got my sh*t together again. PTSD or depression or both -- he needs treatment, counselling and you're not the woman for the job, it will inevitably break you, especially if he is not ready to be helped and even if he is, you need to be strong -- you don't need to know everything. Once he is healing he will want to look it away anyway.

When you're really, really depressed, peoples energy good or bad tends to zap you -- depression causes you to be a hermit, a recluse, an introvert.
But it is not healthy to spend too much time on your own, that could also be why he find being or living with you makes him feel normal. We are complicated creatures us humans, and even when we think we don't need human contact -- we do. Depression clouds that awareness a lot!

I'd suggest, that if he wants to be in your life, just take him out of the house, for a walk, some chilled time, quality time. And then, if it feels right -- advise he gets some counselling, but don't be his counsellor and don't push him or pressure him to get counselling either, he probably already know she needs it, and he'll do it when he is ready. He may have to hit rock bottom. And it is not your responsibility or in your control to get him there. Just explain that you can't help him, but you can support him if he tries to help himself. Explain you need to protect yourself too or you'll get depressed.

You can't fix anything. You can't control him. I dare say his feelings for you making him feel normal are also connected to his feelings for you, he cares for you deeply, and he feels alien to that feeling, or is fighting it, is uncomfortable with it but knows it's a normal thing to care. He's clearly uncomfortable with normal right now.

I have started a massive post in the introductions forum entitled " I love a very beautiful man with PTSD". Maybe my story can help you.
Feel free to ask questions there, some sufferer friends of mine that I made on here frequent the page regularly too, as well as others who seem to be finding the thread helpful, or at least interesting. So might you.

Be strong and look after yourself -- you can't expect to make a difference until he is ready to make his own.

[neverforget]

Thanks a lot samsara.
What you wrote makes a lot of sense.

PTSD or not, I know he suffers and I think it's because "he never dealt with his grief properly" as you said.
Leaving for another country to start afresh doesn't mean your problems are solved unfortunately...

Actually I told him I love him and could help him, but if he doesn't want to try and change things, talk about it to get help, then there's nothing I could do.

It's hard but I'll have to accept that...

I guess one day he'll realise he's just not living but kind of "surviving" and he deserves more than that. I hope he'll be truly happy then.

I read your post in the introductions forum and it's helping. I'll keep reading it!
Thanks again.

[neverforget]

These days I'm so worried he might not have appreciated that I sent him info. about PTSD and he could be angry at me because of that...

I can't help but feel guilty.

I'm afraid I'll never hear from him anymore ...

[Cowgirl]

Neverforget,

Try not to beat yourself up over this. There is no reason to feel guilty!

You didn't make him angry (if he is angry). His PTSD made him angry - anger is a huge component of PTSD. And, if he is angry about the mention of PTSD, his denial about having PTSD could also make him angry.

It is NOT wrong for one person to suggest to another that they get help. Clearly, your former BF has some issues and could likely benefit from some counseling or some sort of therapy. From what you have written, the relationship was over before you sent that information to him, so that wasn't the reason for his withdrawal from you. Even if the information about PTSD angered him, that means he is not wanting to face his problem yet. If he cannot face his problem, then he is not ready to be in a relationship.

And, from what you have written, he isn't ready to be in a relationship, and getting closer to you scared him to the point of withdrawing from the relationship. That means he isn't available, emotionally, for a relationship right now.

Best wishes,

Cowgirl

[neverforget]

If he cannot face his problem, then he is not ready to be in a relationship.

And, from what you have written, he isn't ready to be in a relationship, and getting closer to you scared him to the point of withdrawing from the relationship. That means he isn't available, emotionally, for a relationship right now.

You're right. I wish I could take things as they are and accept this truth.
I can feel it's going to take me some time.

I guess I'm disappointed cause I was hoping for some kind of reaction from him after I sent these info...like I could have felt it was not useless...

I should know by now that those are HIS issues, and I should accept that he didn't have any reaction. Cause it's his life. And he's the only one responsible for it.

Thanks a lot for your post Cowgirl.

[Cowgirl]

It may be that somewhere down the road, your ex will benefit from having once heard about PTSD. Perhaps he will someday reach a point in his life where he decides things MUST change for him, and he will think about that and decide to get help, decide to help himself. Don't think that your suggestion was in vain. It simply wasn't something he was ready to jump on at this point in his life. You wanted to help him, but he isn't ready for help just yet.

But right now, think about you. Give yourself time to grieve, because it sounds like that is what you are doing? Be kind to yourself. Don't blame yourself or try to figure out what you did wrong. Don't beat yourself up. You are a good, worthy person. Remember that.

Hugs,

Cowgirl

[neverforget]

Yes, I have to take care of myself now.

I've been feeling totally down these days, lots of crying. But I can feel it's a necesarry step in the process...
I am accepting the relationship's over.

Thanks for your warm words Cowgirl. :smile:

[neverforget]

Lately I start thinking, that he simply didn't care about me at all.
And that he maybe has no issues at all.
That he just treated me this way cause he's not a good person.
And that I was just blind not to see it, and stupid to love him so much...

Maybe I just want to convince myself of that so I can move on, I can be angry against him, persuade myself he wasn't worth it and start to forget him.

I don't know what happens to me, it's weird to feel like that...:wall:
:dontknow:

[Cowgirl]

Sometimes it is necessary to demonize an ex for a time, in order to put some emotional distance between you. In time you will be able to release that anger and let it go as well, but probably not until you have sufficiently distanced yourself from him and done some significant healing.

Hugs,

Cowgirl

[neverforget]

Thanks Cowgirl.

Lately I've been thinking about getting some help cause it seems I can't overcome that by myself.
I'm still asking myself too many questions and I realise I'm feeling depressed.

As you said I really need to take some distance.

[Nicolette]

If you feel like you need help then you probably do. Please take care of yourself neverforget.

[neverforget]

:smile: Thanks Nicolette.

[neverforget]

I've seen a psychologist today.

I told her all about the story, my feelings, some things my ex said to me, everything.
I just let it all go, opened myself totally and found myself crying in front of her... bit embarassing.

I realised how much this relationship has had a deep impact on me.

She explained it was normal to feel that way, cause I went through a break up + I had to take the initiative of breaking up while I loved my ex + I wanted so much to help him and I have this feeling I failed + now I have taken some part of his suffering as a weight on my shoulders (I would never have thought that but I think she's right)

She told me I have to accept it's gonna take some time to heal, and I can't forget everything so quick and move on this easily. I just shouldn't deny the hurt.
I have to take my time to get back on my feet.

She explained that my ex surely had strong feelings for me, but for him they were a source of angst, fear and panic, cause now, after having struggled so many years, he has suceeded in stopping all drugs and have a "normal", rigorously organized lifestyle and he's afraid he could lose control again and be owerflowed by his feelings by letting someone getting closer.
The distance is protecting him in some way.
She said having to share a daily routine with someone could be difficult for him.
I liked what she said, that I came closer to a porcupine, tried to caress it, and got hurt.

But she told me on the other side he certainly didn't want to stop our relationship cause he was surely happy to feel loved, to feel some comfort after all these years alone in pain, and have me as a "crutch" in some way.

But I simply couldn't last long in this position, cause he never tried to answer to my questions, open his heart to explain just a bit how he felt, he stayed passive and I never received comfort from him, I was the only one trying to make things work, to set up some communication, so I finally ended up exhausted and depressed, not having much to cling to.

However I am aware the "little" he gave me, was real effort for him cause he hadn't been that close to anyone for years.
But It was definitely not enough to make a girl happy, that's for sure.

She told me it would have been unhealthy for me to stay and it was a good decision to break up.
And that he could have been maybe more responsible in "stopping" the relationship earlier as I did express the possibility for us to be friends rather than a couple.

In her opinion he certainly has a feeling of guilt about the suicide of his best friend, because they were taking drugs together, and because his girlfriend told him to leave just after that happened too.

Thinking about that makes me feel truly sad.

She expressed the idea my ex maybe wanted to punish himself about what happened by leaving his family, country and good job, to a new country where he was all alone, broke, doing shitty jobs and not having a real home to live in.
She said that right now, he still doesn't seem to authorize himself to be happy.

According to her, it's possible that he went through a first trauma during childhood and that the suicide of his friend released all the pain he had inside.
But we'll never know...

She felt that today I'm still not angry at him, and that I'm bit stuck, always thinking too much, having regrets about what could have been...
She's right.

I wanted to write about my appointment, I don't know if it's really useful but hope maybe it can help a carer in some way.

I want to say a big thanks to all of you who posted in this thread, especially Cowgirl, it's been really comforting for me to find this website, it's a great place.

[spiritofnow]

Thanks Neverforget,

You have helped me with the information from your session. I am a carer of someone with PTSD, I care for me, I have PTSD symptoms.

My relationship ended six months ago with a man I was and am still in love with. I pushed him away. I guess it was losing this love, (my first real love at the age of 36, that has enabled me to really start my journey to healing).

I guess it is a bittersweet lesson as it does seem that it is the end of the road for us. But, I will always be greatful for it, because without experiencing his love I may have continued down the road of denying myself anything good. Perhaps, your influence will be the same for him at some point too!?

You loved him and tried to help him be loved, he was not ready for that, and you cold not deny yourself feeling loved either. It never means that your love was not good enough or strong enough he was just not ready to embrace that. As the psychologist so rightly pointed out, he is not ready to let himself off the hook yet, concerning the past. His mispalced guilt is keeping him down and until he is willing to see that he is worthy of a good and happy life he will allow his guilt to anchor him there. A sad truth, but only one he can save himself from ( I know all to well).

You will love again and you will be loved. I can see you have a wonderful heart!

I am just thinking? Perhaps, you could send him the post above? Maybe he needs to see all of this from an objective perspective. Maybe, it could help him to see the pattern that he is repeating?

You need to think on this; you need to be sure that if you send it and he does not reply that it will not send you backwards in terms of recovering, don't try to fool yourself you need to be honest with you about that? I guess you could send it at a later date when you are feeling stronger and do not need to have any validation from him?

Well done!

Spirit x

[Cowgirl]

Good for you, to go to a psychologist! I hope it helps you learn and grow. You need time to heal. It takes time, many months, perhaps.

And, you need time to learn and to grow from this. If you got so little from him, and you gave so much, then perhaps you need to examine WHY you fell so hard for a guy who didn't give you anything close to what you really need.

We learn something about ourselves through our relationships with others. So, though relationships can be painful if they don't work out, we come out through it with deeper self-knowledge. And if you take the time to really learn, you won't find yourself in the same relationship with a different face - sometimes, if we don't take time to learn about ourselves, we fall into patterns until we do listen and learn.

Hugs,

Cowgirl

[Murphy's Law]

Hi neverforget
Good for you, I am glad you are getting some help to get through it. Is it possible to get him to go with you to see a T, or to see a different one?
But I agree with Spirit, take care of yourself. You will love again, and you will be loved.

[neverforget]

spiritofnow

I wish you all the best in your journey to healing!

It's so good you can feel that this love you received made it possible!
Just like you, it was my first real love. At the age of 28.

About the idea of sending him that post, it's obvious I would be waiting for some validation from him.
I sent him info about PTSD 2 months ago and got no answer (got an answer but he was not reacting about PTSD) and I felt disappointed and sad.

See, I'm still hoping my phone will ring and he'll tell me he's ready and we must be together! :rolleyes:
Though I know very well it's not going to happen.


Cowgirl

Yes, I really hope I can learn from this.
With hindsight I realise it's good I had the strenght to leave him when things got wrong.
It was a hard decision to take, because for months our relationship was satisfying and he made me truly happy. But it wasn't the case the last weeks.

I'll take time to try my best to listen to myself and find out what my needs really are.

Murphy's Law

We live far away from each other now, and we're not in contact anymore.
I hope he'll go and see a T. I really do.
But right now I don't think he wants it...

[Nicolette]

Neverforget, while what is happening is hard and painful I hope you trust in the thought that everything happens for a reason and is part of a greater plan.

If it were not for heartache, we would not put so much weight on love and if it were not for tears, we would not feel the warmth of a smile.

You sound like a lovely person and my hope for you is that life is preparing you for something just as great if not better. That may be with your boyfriend, it may be with someone new.

Being somewhat older than you other young ladies I have had my experience or two..... you need to trust in life and that you deserve the best. The rest is just a matter of time :rolleyes:. You just need to believe in you. Believe you deserve the best that someone has to offer and while you may love someone with all your heart, you deserve the same back by someone who is in a position to give it to you. I don't want to hurt your feelings but your boyfriend was not in that place nor is he right now. He must help himself, you can't invest in someone who doesn't invest in themselves.

Take care and here is to better tomorrows :Hug_emoticon:

[neverforget]

I wanna thank you Nicolette.
What you wrote moves me so much...it warms my heart.
I'll come to read it again when I feel too sad, to help me remember I must trust in life and hope.

[Cowgirl]

But for the stones in its bottom, a brook would have no song. I think that is a line to an old country song - or something like that - my memory fails me. But there's a truth to it.

If not for life's difficulties, challenges, and pain, I don't think we would realize how wonderful it is when life is truly good. We would take the good times for granted. I live in an area with hard winters. When the forest around me begins to blush with soft greens in many shades, my heart bounds with joy. If we'd not had winter, and the starkness of the bare limbs, and the snow, and the bitter winds, would I rejoice so at the signs that the world is being reborn? Probably not.

Life goes on. Good times await you. Trust that around the next bend on the road that is your life, something wondrous may happen. And since you have been through this, you will appreciate it all the more deeply and know not to take it for granted.

Hugs,

Cowgirl

[mbaldwin]

I too, have a boyfriend who was just diagnosed with PTSD two weeks ago, he doesn't come home sometimes- why I ask- he tells me i keep him normal- and that he shouldn't feel normal because of PTSD. My heart aches for him!