Any Tools For Learning Who's Safe / Not Safe?

[TLight]

I've always been a terrible judge of character. This leads to repeated retraumatization.
I think on this last 'go around' with the human types, I learned a couple of things:

Listen to the person's comments carefully. If they put others down, or seem judgmental, you can bet someday they will put you down or judge you. You don't need that.
Watch for negativity, seven deadly sins: envy, greed, pride, etc......can't remember them all right now, but you get the idea.
We (or at least myself), tend to treat other people better than we treat ourselves, pampering, etc. Watch to see how much the other person will give back. If you buy them a coffee once or twice, do they reciprocate?, etc.
Do they have a big ego......a problem with men sometimes. Sorry guys. To me, the ego is necessary, to a point. It's needed for protection from abuse and to enhance our self-esteem to a point. After that.........its self-centeredness.
Get to know what character flaws are, an alcoholic or dry drunk will display them sooner or later, and you'll get hurt.
See how they treat other people in their lives. Are they givers or takers?
Are they complainers.........well, we've all had enough of that, stay away or be around them in doses you can handle.
When they call, do they go on and on about themselves and their lives, do they even bother to ask how you are? If not, selfish.....you are being used again.Can't think of anymore right now, but this may be helpful to a lot of people struggling trying to establish some healthy relationships. BE CAREFUL.....we are vulnerable and we don't need anymore damage.:stupid:
That said, part of healing is reaching out.........scary but necessary.:eek:

[Shoshin]

TLight,

Great thread. Another one I employ (now that you've made me realize it!) is to watch how children and animals, especially dogs, respond to the person. Kids and dogs are not foolproof, because they are often very trusting, but their body language also sometimes tells me they sense something is wrong. In fact, I call my own intuition my "dog sense" and it has served me well.

[sunnydaze]

good pointers this is a saver to reread over and over again.
sunnydaze

[upstream]

I mostly listen for empathy in the way that people talk about others, which would be similar to your first bullet point.

A good tool for me has been reading up on personality disorders such as Narcissistic, Anti-Social, Borderline, etc

[Cindy]

Right on time. For the first time in over twenty years I am even considering a relationship. I'm terrified. I don't trust myself. I've given up on trying to understand people. It's like a game I never learned the rules about. I've had so many people walk all over me.

I know I'm not good at setting boundaries. I know I am too generous and nice. I treat others how I would like to be treated, but it is not often reciprocated. Maybe I don't 'demand' it. I'm trying to figure it out and find the balance.

I had a crush on a guy at work. We did some things on the outside of work and had fun. I was one of the first people he called when he got a girlfriend. UGH! I was crushed. He is a great guy and friend. That is what it will always be I guess. Hopefully there is another Rocky out there somewhere.

I've talked to my therapist about it. Other than doing nice things for Rocky and doing social things I think I didn't show my interest because I don't know how to be intimate or send the cues. Damn this is hard sometimes.

[TLight]

Thanks for the great replies guys.

Let's keep this going as we learn how to protect our precious hearts.

I still have a ton of learning to do to. Hate being a doormat, I have needs! Nothing wrong with that.:poke:

[spiritofnow]

Hey TLight,

Yes an excellent thread :clap:

I am going to challenge the list you created :wink: Only for a positive balance. I am not saying who is right or wrong just playing 'devils advocate'.

I belive that most of us can display the chracteristics of the types of personalities that you listed, at least at some point or another. I have discounted so many possible friendships because they did not always fit into how I believed people should behave......Appropriate boundaries is the key!

I guess the first step is being aware of what your triggers are. Poeple can just use language that can freak us out or make us feel that we are not safe with them. So becoming aware of these can allow you to balance whether there is any real danger or whether it is our hypervigilance kicking in.

Trust and intimacy are two of our psychological needs. However, overcoming the issues surrounding our traumas can make it difficult for us to trust others and oursleves (the world in generral eh!). If we jave suffered betrayal from close relationships in the past this makes it even harder for us.

We have to identify our beliefs about trust first! Once we have identified these then we can challenge these core beliefs concerning trust.

Obviously in the meantime whilst uncovering these dimensions we have to still be able to exist and allow ourselves to connect with others.

I guess in this instance we should look at things like;

Where did we meet this person?
Are they a stranger or do other people who know us who know them?
Take our time to establish whether this is a friendship we want to continue, stand back and be an observer as well as engaged.
What will their frienship offer us? -(depends again on the environment, work , school, college, social situations etc)
What do we really want from this?I have a book that lists the following suggestion as an exercise in learning what your beliefs are about trust:


What does it mean to me to be able to tust?...
In what situation do I trust my own thoughts?...
In what situations do I trust my own jusdgements or conclusion about a person?...
How would I define the word intuition?...
When do I feel that my intuition speaks to me? When do I notice my intuition?...
How else do I become awarw of my feelings, impressions, and beliefs about others or situations?...
Am I a trustworthy preson?...
When do I keep promises? When do I not keep them?...
Do I develop trust in someone gradually or all at once?...
What persons or groups do I trust? Which do I distrust?...
When I have to depend on another person I feel:
I ask others for help with tasks when:
I ask others for help with my emotional needs when:
Identifying and challenging core beliefs

Choose one answer from the preceding exercise, and answer the following questions about it:

1.What does that answer say about me?
2.Now what does that answer say about me?
3.And what does that answer say about me?
Question 3 gives you our core belief. What is it?

Now examine and challenge

1Does this belief belong to me or someone else? ( my interpretation; like a learned behaviour from a parent for e.g)
2.Does this belief fit with my priorities and goals?
3.Does this belief fit with my values and judgements?
4.Does this belief make me feel better or worse (about mysewlf, others)?
5.In this belief hutful to me in any way?
6.Does this belief put appropriate demands on me (at home, work, or play)?

I hope that this will be useful for some of you.

Spirit x

[spiritofnow]

p.s

Sorry it is so long.
Bare with it as I am sure it will be a very useful tool in indentifying who you can and cannot trust. I believe that the core of this issue comes down to trusting ourselves primarily :-)

Spirit x

[morgan]

Spirit, that is very helpful. Part of my therapy is challenging my beliefs and looking closely at what they are. Trust issues and setting boundaries are also key. Just everything you said hit home for me. I now know what I want to tell my therapist about what direction I want to take (which we were just discussing) with my therapy. I want to pick up where I left off in the hospital.

Thank you so much Spirit!

Take care, Morgan

[TLight]

I agree completely Spirit, it really is an issue of trusting ourselves and appropriate boundaries.

I'm going to do those exercises you listed. Very good stuff.

One more thing I noticed:
When the person sees someone who is emotionally suffering, What is their response to it?
My ex saw a woman in AA who'd been through terrible abuse. She broke down in tears and ran out of the meeting. I went to comfort her, my heart went out since I too know that kind of terrible pain.
His comment was: "She's just beyond hope and she thinks God is going to handle everything."

Should have been a clue to me.

I tend to overlook such clues because I want acceptance. This is definately about trusting myself.

Let's keep talking.

[kers]

I tend to overlook such clues because I want acceptance. This is definately about trusting myself.

I do this, too! I have finally broken ties with my best friend of several years because I realized how critical she was of me and how much I took on that criticism. I'm tired of being called "too nice," "too forgiving," "a doormat," etc. I like that I am a kind and open person, and it doesn't have to be a bad thing. Ironically, I found by breaking from her that I am tougher than I thought!

I think the key for learning to trust other people is learning to consider and trust your instincts. Not all of them, but those that make logical sense and also feel right.

[spiritofnow]

Just everything you said hit home for me. I now know what I want to tell my therapist about what direction I want to take (which we were just discussing) with my therapy. I want to pick up where I left off in the hospital.
Thank you so much Spirit!
Take care, Morgan

You are more than welcome Morgan :smile:
I am just so glad that what I wrote has been positive for you. I always feel that just by identifying what it is that we wish to change can be profound - taking back our power!

You go girl.

Spirit x

[spiritofnow]

Yes Kers,
listening and trusting our instincts is very important, to a point! My instincts are usually based on protecting myself so I do not always make the right choices for myself.

I am no expert, I am just as most of us are, muddling our way through. However, letting go of a seven year friendship is a big loss.

I believe in the past I have dismissed comments & friendships from people who cared about me as I too viewed what they were saying as criticism-we can be defensive a lot of the time, eh! :-)
I have a theory concerning this. A lot of us are in a state of hypervigilance, so the body is in fight or flight mode, almost like a default setting. Therefore, I believe that we perceive the wolrd in quite a defensive manner, simply because we are always ready to fight/flight

Perhaps your friend believed that they were looking out for you? Perhaps, you took it as criticism because you feel under atttack, so when someone does provide you with an alternative or their view of a situation that challenges you and you perception of self, you are ready to fight?

I know this does not apply to everyone I just think it is a consideration that should be evaluated before making important life choices.

Sent with love, Spirit x

[Roo]

TLight,

...watch how children and animals, especially dogs, respond to the person. ... In fact, I call my own intuition my "dog sense" and it has served me well.

Bingo, Shoshin! As soon as I saw this thread's title I thought, "Critters and kids!" Our own "animal instincts" are the surest guide...as long as we can be in touch with them. Lately I've been hanging around a lot with my three cats -- sometimes just observing them silently while they go about being cats. They teach me so much...

Lately I am doing the most simple work -- one breath at a time. Breathing ... being aware of sensations, allowing myself to just experience them, and giving each one a name ... catching myself when I do something "autopilot" (like tear at the insides of my mouth with my teeth or hankering for a cigarette) and consciously stopping, taking a breath, and doing something else.

What is most basic...tends to be what is most wise and sure and clear (lucid).

Another way of saying it is "Listen to your gut." ... especially around the solar plexus. Apparently that area has the body's highest concentration of nerves, so it is highly receptive to stimuli. In fact, the entire gastrointestinal system is the body's most sensitive "barometer" because, overall, it has such a high concentration of nerves throughout.

One of my teachers gave me a tool: to imagine a stoplight in my solar plexus -- and whenever I needed to check in with my bodily intuition and sense of safety, he said, "See what colour the light is, and respond to that."

Fritz Perls (the creator of Gestalt therapy) insisted that "the body never lies." I agree. The "conscious" mind can bullshit from here to eternity, but our dear bodies...are jewels of immediate intelligence.

So much of post-trauma's healing work is in reawakening the body and all its marvelous sensory abilities.

"Dog sense" = beautiful! :smile: Thank you!

[rt1967]

My friend moved back after being away for 10 years about maybe 9 to 12 months ago .
I think it hlpd made a shift ? in my thinking from where i was.
She say i don't trust anyone i am trying to understand this and be more specific ?and trying to find out the opposite of what i am doing to try and imagine what i don't have so that i can be more precise about what outcome i want .
i do hope this makes some sense.Has anyone found neuro linguistic programming or transactional analysis helpful at any times.
hoping all in hard times to find themself beyond belief - a place past what believing now .

[veiled_misery]

welcome, maybe you could try the trauma diaries. have you sought therapy yet?
I've been in and out of various therapies since I was 6, about 8 shrinks so far (hell ive lost count at this point).. some things help, others dont, and some just make it worse.

Thanks all, this place has a safe feeling about it and that helps because for most of my life ive been terribly reserved and its hurt me a lot.. im not starting to open up but its a process.

[Cindy]

Veiled;

Don't beat yourself up for being reserved or protecting yourself. In time when you feel safe with the forum or a good therapist you will slowly share.

Your time will come. Even if right now it means only signing on to the forum and reading. That is still reaching out and trying to find answers.

Hang in there, you are doing something for you! :clap:

[JustJane]

TLight, this is an excellent post. Once again, I am in awe that I am not alone and that I am not the alien on this planet, there are others like me. I think that in addition, because those of us who have no - or suppressed - character judgement, we shut down and refuse to meet new people, to some degree. That's probably why we never find each other outside of the internet. The internet is an interesting thing; we can tell strangers things we wouldn't tell our parents and sometimes not even our therapists - but here we are, baring all, and finding likeminded souls. I have found however, that this means of getting to know someone is not always a good substitution for a hands on, real time friendship. I have found this to be true over and over.

TLight, a word of caution using dogs to make a character judgement. Dogs often sense the feelings of their owners. If a person doesn't like someone, their dog will sense that and will give a negative review of the person its owner dislikes. I believe the same thing is true if the dogs owner isn't sure about a situation or person in which case the dog may appear guarded because of an unclear signal from the owner. Having said that, I did have one dog in my life that was an excellent judge of character. I learned to rely on her instincts more than my own.