Bad Nightmares

[Cowgirl]

He's had a lot of the nightmares lately, the violent ones. I wake up to him yelling and thrashing about. It always seems from what I can tell that he is back there, in a gun fight. I wake him from the dream and hold him and tell him it is OK.

He doesn't like to talk about the dreams. I think it might help him if he would.

What do you all do when your sufferer/survivor is going through a spell of bad dreams? I just feel like I should be doing something more, or different, but I am feeling lost about what I can do.

Cowgirl

[Cindy]

I do not have a care giver. I suffer from nightmares as well. When coming out of I nightmare I am there, where all my abuse occurred with the abusers. I have no clue about the present or that I am in my home. It usually takes a good 15 minutes to ground.

Personally, if I had someone, I would want them to hold me tight and tell me over and over I was safe and I survived. I would want to hear it is over, you are home.

Another idea is to create a comfort box for your spouse. When I was hospitallized last time the therapist suggest I create a comfort box which would include things that would help ground me or relax me. Mine included: small, smooth stones; scented candles; feather boas; sudoko puzzles; silly putty; a pack of cigerettes,ashtray, and lighter; a baggie of sand to run my hands through; a deck of cards for solitaire; a slinky; music; snacks to eat; pictures of people who love me ..... You get the idea. The point is to distract yourself. Give yourself comforting sensory stimulation and mindless activities until you are solidly grounded with regular breathing, slow heart rate, and minimal intrusive thoughts.

This really does help and it does soothe me. But the comfort box is only accessible after I've come around enough to realize to grab it.

One other thing I have learned, when I first wake up from a nightmare it is real important to change location immediately. Just moving and getting out of bed to a chair or another room can snap you back quicker than if you stay in place. With some of my nightmares the best relief is just getting outside to breathe and see the endless sky.

Ask your spouse what he thinks would be the most important things to hear, what things would comfort him - a song? smell of cologne? a tennis ball?

Good LucK! He is very lucky to have you!

[Cindy]

Ooops, forgot about the talking part - I hate talking about my nightmares because it is like reliving the events. You can't express the physiologic changes that occur or the emotional dynamics. It is so extreme. My heart is racing just typing this.

Leave the discussion to the therapist. Talking it out sometimes helps, or writing about it sometimes. But honestly, I like to just place it aside if I can, kind of like just enduring the dentist because it is part of getting fixed.

One other thing, with some of my nightmares, the feelings can hang on through the next day. If your spouse becomes moody after a bad night, don't be alarmed, just keep him busy doing little stuff.

[abmay]

Cowgirl, my fiance is the same way. His nightmares were really bad and violent in the beginning of our relationships. Mostly from being overseas (he was in infantry) and he was also in a horrible marriage. When I go to wake him up he was grab me as if I were the person attacking him. Don't ever yell... I learned from that mistake! I just gently take his hands off me and hold his arms down the best I can and get him to wake up. Most of the time he doesn't know where he's at or anything. It takes him a little bit to get out of it but then he tells me over and over again that he had a really bad dream and then he'll tell me about it most of the time. I just tell him it is alright now he is safe and I'm there for him. Some of his nightmares he thinks someone is coming to attack me so he'll start shouting in his sleep and then he'll roll over and cuddle me so night I can barely move. I just keep saying no one is there it's just me and everything is fine.

I think the most important thing is to tell them they are safe just like Cindy suggested. They need to know the enemy is not there. I try to hold Chuck right away but sometimes he doesn't like to be touched. It just depends how they are going to handle things right after the night mares. Hope this helps!

[Cowgirl]

Thank you, Cindy! I had always heard that talking about such things helps, that it is important to get them OUT in the air and not suppress them, so I was thinking it was unhealthy for him to not talk about it. But perhaps that is not so, or not so for everyone. I've asked him if he wants to talk about the dreams, but he says it would just make it worse, so I dropped it. Normally, I just hold him and tell him it is OK, and he's safe, and he's home. That seems to help, at least for that night's set of dreams. I guess that's the main thing to do. Cowgirl

[Crucible]

Even with medication my wife has multiple nightmares. When I hear her I wake her up . At times she'll even call me for help from the depths of her nightmares.

I tell her she's safe; she's not at her parents home; she has a family, etc. What also helps is if I can get her to open her eyes and see her surroundings. At times she's in so deep I have to give her permission for example to open her mouth and stop eating the soap.

The nightmares always effect her the next day.

[nlk]

There are many nights my friend stays with me overnight and she has nightmares many nights. I personally do not wake her up during a nightmare, I talk her through the nightmare.

Letting her know she is not alone, she is safe, etc. I repeat this until she either calms down or wakes up. Most of the time she can then continue to sleep, at least until the next night mare :-/

If she does wake up, then I offer to talk with her about the dream. Sometimes she wants to, sometimes she doesn't. Also, her day is affected by her nightmares, alot of the time she just wants to isolate and not leave the bedroom/bed.

nlk

[becvan]

My suggestion is to do what works for him and what he wants you to do. If he doesn't want to discuss them, then don't push for him to as it will just cause fights. Ask him if there is anything more you can do. Pretty simple.

bec

[xxarmywifexx]

Cowgirl-

My hubby hardly sleeps because of his nightmares, when he does and he has one I simply hold him and tell him I'm there and its okay. He cuddles me and goes back to sleep. We don't talk about it. It's just an understanding we have.

We didn't get this way right away it took some pretty nasty nights to get my routin down..its scares me to this day...but its not for me its for him ><

[Ace Ventura]

Cowgirl--

My husband has a lot of trouble with nightmares, too. The methods that the carers mentioned above have been helpful for us. We have found, too, that the bad feelings often carry over to the next day. Sometimes it helps to remember that. I wish you well.

[Mina]

My husband has had to learn NOT to tell me "it's okay" when I've had a nightmare. That really ticks me off because while I might not be actively experiencing the nightmare anymore, it's still lingering both psychologically and physically, and things are definitely not okay.

What does work is for him to hold me tightly (usually spooning with his arms around me, it makes me feel secure that way) and tell me, "I've got you," and, "You're safe here/now." Even thought he's already holding me, the "I've got you," part is really important. It relaxes me because it's a strong cue that I can trust him, and I don't have to just look out for myself...like he's got my back and I'm not alone (which, in the nightmares, there is no one to rely on but me).

As other posters have mentioned, my nightmares also carry over into the next day. I always feel sort of disturbed and ill at ease, like the nightmare is lingering somehow.

[void]

The reality orientation approach works best when I have nightmares. My wife is good at it. In my case, if my wife does not get me completely awake the nightmares will continue for hours.

[FlameTachiku]

I do not want to talk about it or to feel compelled to help someone who care's about me through their own process of experiencing my reaction to the nighmares. However, it is sooo nice sometimes not to be alone. I like to listen to someone talk about things not related to suffering. It sure does help.:smile:

[2quilt]

I have had nightmares since seeing the new Batman movie.
I feel like I am reliving the nightmare all the next day, so i talk about it, and I talk about an alternative ending. It does not always work.

[LuckyStar]

Xarmywife nails it with the calm and steady.
Stay calm and be reasurring. Create a safe zone whether by holding or by voice. Even music or a backrub. Use what works to soothe.
I have used some and all of these at different times. Depending on his nightmares. I've also kept a journal because he talks ALOT and although he may never want to read it I have it. If he ever seeks professional help it may be useful to know what it is he cries out. Just my ideas.

Good Luck