Cowgirl
20-03-2008, 06:15 AM
I'm sorry if this is long. I'm feeling a bit overwhelmed today, as he's been having such a spate of the nightmares and the seething anger / rage lately.
My guy goes back and forth. He is often so sweet, loving, thoughtful, protective and happy to share our life together. He has never shut me out in the way that some of you describe here, and for that I am thankful. If he shuts me out, it is in making the subject of the PTSD a taboo topic. But that is what he needs right now and so I am OK with that. Too, I'm deeply thankful that he is not into self-medication to cope with his PTSD. He is able to work and has a good, steady job, and for that I'm thankful.
But then he's seething with anger, and sometimes that bursts out into a rage at me. He feels safe to let go around me. Not to the point of violence, but just plain rage. Sometimes he rages at me because ... the Post Office is closed. The anger and the dreams seem to build in him together, too, so it seems like ... I saw Anthony's diagram of the full cup and that is my guy in a nutshell.
He is not currently getting treatment for his PTSD. He was in treatment some years ago, and that turned out very badly. He was put on anti-depressants which made his problems go from bad to extreme. He is now distrustful of treatment, and I don't blame him. I think those drugs can do more harm than good sometimes.
I see his pain, and I hurt for him. Too, I am often the one at whom the anger is directed, and that hurts also. He has never physically hurt me, but the anger and rage directed at me is hurtful nonetheless, even though I know, intellectually, that it is the PTSD, not anything I've done wrong. And afterwards (and sometimes DURING the rages) he feels absolutely horrible for what is happening. Oddly, he can apologize one moment and launch again into the rage the next.
He recognizes it is a huge problem. He recognizes that it isn't rational to rage at me because the Post Office is closed, etc. He has tried a variety of things on his own that haven't helped much.
I try to set boundaries. I leave when it is possible, to let him rage in private and to simmer down. This helps to a degree. Well, more than anything, I think it helps ME, to be honest. But that helps US, so I guess it helps him. If I'm not there to scream at, then he doesn't have to feel guilty later, either.
One thing he can't do on his own seems to be to confront that inner demon, the horror that he lived through. Because, of course, he is not really angry at me that the Post Office is closed. He is not really angry, even, at the Post Office. Rather, his cup is so full, that little frustrations make him explode. That is clear to me, but less so to him. He knows he is behaving irrationally, but he cannot "go there" and deal with that inner demon (at least that's how I'm seeing it right now - is that even remotely like what could be going on inside him???????).
I think he needs some help, in some form. But he is ... OK, I'll go there ... he's terrified of treatment, as his experience before was absolutely disastrous. I think the right sort of treatment could help him. Possibly some CBT or anger management. Maybe some sort of talk therapy, to get the demons OUT, so to speak, so he stops shoving them down deep and trying to make them go away by stuffing them out of mind. But maybe I'm wrong on that - it is possible I've read too much pop psychology in trying to understand what is going on.
I'm wondering how I can gently encourage him to get treatment. I don't nag. I simply won't go there!! And so I don't want to bring something like this up again and again. I mentioned it a couple of times over the course of the past year, and he responded once that therapy is useless and another time said he doesn't have time (which is not really true, but that is one way of brushing it aside). Does anyone here have any suggestions about effective NON-DRUG therapies? And if so, does anyone here have any suggestions about how to gently approach a PTSD sufferer, especially someone who has had a horrible experience with previous treatment, about giving one of them a try? Thanks!
My guy goes back and forth. He is often so sweet, loving, thoughtful, protective and happy to share our life together. He has never shut me out in the way that some of you describe here, and for that I am thankful. If he shuts me out, it is in making the subject of the PTSD a taboo topic. But that is what he needs right now and so I am OK with that. Too, I'm deeply thankful that he is not into self-medication to cope with his PTSD. He is able to work and has a good, steady job, and for that I'm thankful.
But then he's seething with anger, and sometimes that bursts out into a rage at me. He feels safe to let go around me. Not to the point of violence, but just plain rage. Sometimes he rages at me because ... the Post Office is closed. The anger and the dreams seem to build in him together, too, so it seems like ... I saw Anthony's diagram of the full cup and that is my guy in a nutshell.
He is not currently getting treatment for his PTSD. He was in treatment some years ago, and that turned out very badly. He was put on anti-depressants which made his problems go from bad to extreme. He is now distrustful of treatment, and I don't blame him. I think those drugs can do more harm than good sometimes.
I see his pain, and I hurt for him. Too, I am often the one at whom the anger is directed, and that hurts also. He has never physically hurt me, but the anger and rage directed at me is hurtful nonetheless, even though I know, intellectually, that it is the PTSD, not anything I've done wrong. And afterwards (and sometimes DURING the rages) he feels absolutely horrible for what is happening. Oddly, he can apologize one moment and launch again into the rage the next.
He recognizes it is a huge problem. He recognizes that it isn't rational to rage at me because the Post Office is closed, etc. He has tried a variety of things on his own that haven't helped much.
I try to set boundaries. I leave when it is possible, to let him rage in private and to simmer down. This helps to a degree. Well, more than anything, I think it helps ME, to be honest. But that helps US, so I guess it helps him. If I'm not there to scream at, then he doesn't have to feel guilty later, either.
One thing he can't do on his own seems to be to confront that inner demon, the horror that he lived through. Because, of course, he is not really angry at me that the Post Office is closed. He is not really angry, even, at the Post Office. Rather, his cup is so full, that little frustrations make him explode. That is clear to me, but less so to him. He knows he is behaving irrationally, but he cannot "go there" and deal with that inner demon (at least that's how I'm seeing it right now - is that even remotely like what could be going on inside him???????).
I think he needs some help, in some form. But he is ... OK, I'll go there ... he's terrified of treatment, as his experience before was absolutely disastrous. I think the right sort of treatment could help him. Possibly some CBT or anger management. Maybe some sort of talk therapy, to get the demons OUT, so to speak, so he stops shoving them down deep and trying to make them go away by stuffing them out of mind. But maybe I'm wrong on that - it is possible I've read too much pop psychology in trying to understand what is going on.
I'm wondering how I can gently encourage him to get treatment. I don't nag. I simply won't go there!! And so I don't want to bring something like this up again and again. I mentioned it a couple of times over the course of the past year, and he responded once that therapy is useless and another time said he doesn't have time (which is not really true, but that is one way of brushing it aside). Does anyone here have any suggestions about effective NON-DRUG therapies? And if so, does anyone here have any suggestions about how to gently approach a PTSD sufferer, especially someone who has had a horrible experience with previous treatment, about giving one of them a try? Thanks!