Trying To Understand PTSD - Question For Sufferers

[sisu]

Hello,
I am trying to understand ptsd. I have a boyfriend (who has shut me out for now) who suffers with ptsd from military service. We met last May and for 8 beautiful months I saw no signs of his ptsd. He did tell me that he had it, but at the time I didn't really know what it was. I have since learned a lot ~ and I mean a lot. The one thing that I am still trying to understand is how for 8 months he had no symptoms. Then all of a sudden at the end of January he crashed into a complete ptsd crisis. Is ptsd cyclical? Does it come and go?

Anything would help.

Thank you for sharing with me ~ you have no idea how much I appreciate it.

Sisu

[hjpalm]

Something triggered it. Could be the time of year, something that happened at that ime in the past. Or something he saw that set up a mental spiral. Or he was maintaining till he just couldn't do it anymore. Eventually it catches up with all of us. We push it back repeatedly, until it just won't stay gone. Is he receiving counseling?

[sisu]

The VA mostly gives meds. A little counseling...but its mostly to re-up the script for meds. I know that he needs more counseling. I have asked him about some of the types that I have read about on this forum and he has never heard of them. He has off and on joined group therapy for anger or other issues. He just really needs intense one on one therapy and he will be helped greatly. Maybe he just needs to hit bottom and then get the help. He is working and doing fine at work. He just keeps to himself and is not allowing anyone in. He is in a self protect mode right now and has been for almost 2 months. He says that is the longest time its ever lasted.

Sisu

[2tired2deal]

Hi Sisu
I can't speak to your boyfriend's condition because everyone handles their trauma in a different way; everyone has a different trauma. PTSD is not something that necessarily goes away after a certain time, although with the right kind of counselor / therapy approach one can certainly develop coping strategies that work more effectively.

Try to understand that until your boyfriend fully accepts/understands his own disorder, like many, he may be in partial denial that it's affecting him at all. A Dr. tells you you have a 'disorder' and throws some pills at you. If the education isn't there, if the flashbacks or emotions are confusing to you, then part of the disorder is the fact that you can't believe it can be as debilitating as it turns out to be. That's my experience.

I have lived with it for over 25 years. I don't see myself as 'suffering' from it as I do just learning how to live with it, and grapple with it, and learn from it, every day. I'm still learning how it affects my interactions with every person I contact; every day I see something new in how my emotions change with simple comments made by innocent strangers who have NO idea I live with PTSD.

If you truly love your boyfriend and are committed, I commend you for looking here to understand; there are books for partners of PTSD survivors you can find in most psychology sections of the larger bookstores, maybe you could check that out for more information.
Good Luck.

[Cecilia]

Personally, I have gone several months feeling really good and then BAM! something happens. Sometimes I know the source and other times I do not know what happened.

Then I have to climb back up. It is quite frustrating for my husband. He notices when I am heading down hill before I even know it.

[linasmom]

Hi Sisu,

For me, my symptoms cycle. I have gone months without any "noticeable" symptoms and then they will start to reappear again. However, my depression has never gone away but I've had it for so long that people just take my melancholy personality as just that - part of my personality.

Also, a lot of people with PTSD internalize things and then explode - I tend to do this. So, while your boyfriend may not have shown outward signs in your presence, you never know what was going on internally.

Best,
Rachel

[She Cat]

I agree with everything that has been stated. It could be a trigger that caused it, build up of just plain old stress, or like Rachel said. Anything can cause PTSD to rear it's ugly head. Figuring out what and why will help him to deal with it better.

Therapy should be a must, and medication if needed.(or wanted) PTSD has no boundaries, and doesn't play by normal rules. It has it's own set of rules and they can change at any given time.

Also remember it is a serious condition NOT to be taken lightly.......

[morgan]

I don't understand. What VA could he possibly be going to that doesn't offer therapy? In my experience with the VA (which is quite extensive) they offer both individual and group therapy for PTSD specifically... especially for men. As a matter of fact there is a National Center for PTSD in Palo Alto, CA. I know cause I spent 90 days of my life in that program. Perhaps he can get a referral from his Psych Dr. There are options for him. He just needs to be willing to explore them. That is key.

On a more personal note: I am about to do my first EMDR session through the VA on Friday. That's a pretty progressive technique from what I understand.

Best wishes, Morgan

[Cindy]

1st, I agree with everything stated.

2nd, I think there is some denial going on with his part - but not total

Also, it is a big nut to swallow to accept that the diagnosis is right.

He really should see a psychologist to help get a handle on it. But, we are a tough bunch. Over and over I see the same characteristic of Not seeking help because we 'should' be able to handle it on our own. But until you have the tools it is very difficult to succeed solo. Try to list the things he handles well and the things you see he is having difficulty with. (personal relationships) Ask him if he wants to live that way or does he want to work things out with someone.

Just my two cents.

[Grama-Herc]

As someone who did everything she could to "appear" normal I can tell you that hiding this monster from others is extremely exhausting. I finally crashed and burned and I know what you see happening.

The sad part is there really is not much you can do except be patient and be there when he comes out of this downward spiral.

My 83 yo mother has watched me for the past 11 years suffer with this. She has done everything she could to educate herself like you have and I can tell you how she handles my spirals.

She allows me the space to isolate, but checks in to be sure I am OK. She asks if there is anything I need. She does not ask if she can help. She does not ask what is wrong, she knows what is wrong.

I know that my mom is there for me if I need her. That means more to me than anything. Without being pushy or snoopy try some way to let him know you are there for him.

I say these things to help. They are meant in a caring way. I hope I have not come on to strong because I have one more thing to advise you on, and for me, it is a biggie.
Do Not Try To Push Him To Go Places Or Do Things. Pushing is the best way to put him deeper into his shell. Don't say "Oh, come on and go, just for a little while, please"! It just sends him deeper.

I truely hope this helps you. Feel free to private message me if you have any more questions or just need someone to listen

[2quilt]

As a Desert Storm veteran with PTSD, I can tell you that either of these scenarios may be at work:
1. The VA has a long list of vets waiting to get into a group therapy, or it is waiting for the people who are in one-on-one therapy to leave before the therapists can take on new patients, and
or

2. Your boyfriend may have told the VA that he is doing alright without therapy and so the VA does not even have him on a waiting list to get in, and therefore only gives him a 10 minute, "how ya doin'?" as they are writing the new script for pills. They don't really care.

When I got therapy at the VA, we could only go for a specific time period, then we were exited and had to go to the back of the line again because there were so many waves of vets and only a small number of therapists. If I had a problem after I was exited and before I got in to a group or individual therapy again, i was told to go to the VA emergency room, but if I went there and I was not suicidal, I would sit in the ER waiting room for 24 hours. They let you rot there. I was sexually assaluted at the VA hospital by an employee, and the ER refused me because they did not consider that a 'life or death' emergency. I personally hate the VA. I use insurance to get my medical care.

[sisu]

OMG...everyone's response was so appreciated. All of the different view points make it much more clear (if that is possible with ptsd). Anyway, right now all he is getting is the 10 min every 3 month appts for meds. He was put in the psych ward for a week once and hated it. He was put in against his will because he thought he was being followed and he had just been diagnosed and his meds were not correct. They adjusted his meds but he did tell me that he lied to get out of the ward. They probably would have kept him longer than a week. I think that he fully accepts the diagnosis he was given 4 years ago. The problem is that he also accepts all of the negative things that go along with it and will no even entertain the fact that it doesn't have to be ONLY the bad stuff. He can be "normal" again and have a wonderful fulfilling life with the proper treatment. Almost like he is being self-destructive.

I need to encourage more treatment. Unfortunately I don't know how to do that. He has no currency that I can use for reward. What I mean is...he is more than willing to throw away everything of value in his life. He has written me off, his kids off, his potential future happiness, etc. AARRGGHH!!

Sisu

[Cindy]

I would be so frustrated. What would happen if you just gave him time and space for 2 - 3 weeks. Long enough for him to settle in to a routine solo. Long enough to start twittling his thumbs on week - ends.

What do you think he would do?

[sisu]

Not sure....I just sent him an email today that I am planning on letting him sit on for a while. I will not contact him. When this spiral all started to go down, he said that he did want to make this work and he said that I needed to prove to him he was worthy of me. At the time that didn't make sense....as I am learning more and more about ptsd....it makes absolute sense. Anyway, the email stated that I did think he was good enough, I then listed several reasons specifically, I then told him that he was not being fair to me because he was ignoring my efforts and not even answering my phone calls, I then ended it with and I love you but that is not always enough...honesty, communication and respect are necessary too. I told him that he has to want to get better and that I could not make him want that. I told him he could be better than he is....that right now he is just surviving ~ not living. It was a really good email. Positive statements, negative statements, positive statements....like a email sandwich. ;)

Anyway, I don't know if I will get a response, but it is in his court now. I cannot help him. He knows I am there for him, he knows that I love him and I only want the best for him, but I cannot have a relationship when I am the only one participating.

I will keep you posted on any progress. Sisu :thumbs-up

[blueeyedgirl]

Sisu,

Again, your experience is not uncommon. That in itself is a relief I'm sure!

My ex and I were in a fabulous relationship for 4 months before it started to rear it's ugly head. I'd speculatated that he had some sort of trauma from his 2 tours in Iraq, primarily because of how distant he sounded when he spoke of what he went thru. When we met, he was still active duty, and was set to be discharged to inactive in a few months. Unfortunately, I'd made plans to move up to New England before meeting him. So, we only had about 2 months together. Things went well for the next two months, although I did noticed slight changes. I'd attributed it to the difficulty of a long distance relationship. Then, on one of my visits he had a crazy, angry outburst and threw a shopping cart across a walmart parking lot for no good reason. That was the beginning of the end. Shortly thereafter, I broke up with him. I just couldn't take dealing with someone who was contantly on edge.

We've been in contact on and off for the past two years. Trying to resume where were were, but it just wasn't right. I'd see those fragments of happiness that were ever-present the first few months of our relationship come back out again, and it gave me hope. This past holiday season we got back together. He said he's been receiving treatment (well, meds only) for a few months (the drs originally thought he just had an anxiety disorder), and was happy again. He said he's changed and really wanted to be happy with me. And onto the rollercoaster I hopped...all over again.

He was great for close to two months. Better than ever. He was more sensitive because of this new self-awareness. But, then he gradually pulled back again. Stress at work, financial issues, and probably the strain of trying to maintain a long distance relationship was just too much. I'd try to address the changes with us. He'd deny or ignore. Until finally, he just stopped trying to communicate altogether.

Sorry for the novel. But, I felt the details needed to be conveyed so that you could see the pattern for yourself. I feel that he's had ptsd for quite some time, but it appears to be boiling more and more to a head. His ability to behave "normal" (if there is such a thing) is decreasing. I also feel that it didn't become truly full blown until he left the service because he had the safety of knowing that the little things would be taken care of. But, life's responsibilities (rent, job, relationships) get too much some times, and one thing - like a needed car repair- can toss them over the edge.

If not receiving intensive therapy and treatment, I have no doubt my ex could eventually be of serious damage to himself or others. I believe this to be the case with all (chronic) suffers too. Meds only mask the problem, letting him think that he's managing just fine, and doesn't need therapy. So, to answer your question regarding it being cyclical, I believe it is. That is, until they receive the tools in the form of therapy in order to properly deal with both their illness and the crazy things life throws at you.

[Cindy]

I was in a difficult position at work many years ago with a supervisor who for whatever reason was harassing me. I felt very defensive and vulnerable. My therapist suggested that when I speak to my supervisor always state everything with the pronoun "I" because I statement can not be argued with they are your feelings and opinions.

It also does not place blame on any aspects of the discussion so the person can not become defensive or confrontational - which would shut me right down.

So, my suggestion, when sharing negative comments try to state them from the I perspective so as not to place blame or create defensive responses which will get you nowhere.

[sisu]

What a surprise!! I did get a response to my email. I got an apology...although he said he was a terrible person (I don't like that negativity he has about himself) and he thanked me for the emails and cards that I have sent him over the last couple months. We are going to hang out this weekend ~ just casual ~ two friends. I don't have any unrealisitic expectations...this forum has helped with that understanding. I am also concentrating on myself...doing nice things for me (I'm thinking pedicure). And I have my two daughters....they get lots of my energy and time too.

This life is one wild ride!

Sisu :occasion:

[pandora]

He needs go to trauma therapy...CBT really helped, along with this forum!