What Is Wrong With Me?

[jrivera]

My name is Juan. I got married January 10th of 2007, I have two beautiful children my boy is 5months old and my step daughter is 5 years old. My wonderful and beautiful wife is 23 years old and I am 22. My wife and I had a rough time getting along threw her pregnancy with my son and it feels like there is now a void in our relationship. Last month we purchased a house together out in the country with lots of land. We tend to argue a lot over stupid things and say a lot of stuff that is specifically intended to hurt each other, and regret it later. Over the last two weeks we have really started to separate, the small things she does that she claims not to hurt my feelings really do hurt my feelings for instance, I would like to get a horse she wants to wait, but I like to dream and think about things and because I do she thinks I am going to buy. I spoke to my mother and told her if she sees a tractor mower give me a call because I need one, and also if you see a horse trailer give me a call. My mom was talking to my wife the other day and my mom told her that I had called looking for a mower and trailer, my wife calls me at work to chew me out because I had even asked.

I have gotten to the point were I can’t even talk to my wife openly without yelling or blowing up. I have found it better not to talk and when she asks if something is wrong because she can feel it I say nothing and that makes her mad, and in turn makes me mad. I complement her all the time on how she looks and she always shoots me down with no I am sooo ugly it’s disgusting. These words make me angry so I become silent and stop talking because I know we will fight if I say anything. Me being silent started a fight this morning I can not control myself and she left to go to work early. I am angry all the time and I can not control it, I feel alone, and have started thinking of suicide.

Last night I walked out of the house to get medicine out of the car around midnight and saw something small and black around 3 feet tall run around the house and I chased it to find nothing was there. Again I saw it in the dark this morning around 5:30am and I ran after it again to find nothing. I think I have started seeing things, I break down at my desk at work and start crying, I have started drinking to let go of what I’m feeling, I want to drink as much as I can, because I want it painless when I pass on. I feel alone and I have no friend other than co-workers. I want to leave and never come back, I want to die but my need not to leave my kids is stronger. So I stay…

What should I do?

[Seeking_Nirvana]

hi jrivera, and welcome to the forum. I think you should find a therapist or a psychiatrist to get some help with these issues you spoke of.

It would do you wonders to get the correct diagnosis so you can get the best treatment for your condition.

Peace
Tammy

[TLight]

Ditto;
Don't blame yourself for how you are feeling. Try to let your wife know that you have something going on so she will be more compassionate with you......and see a therapist soon.

Welcome and welcome to the journey....

[Nicolette]

Welcome jrivera.

From what you are saying it seems something happened during your wife's pregnancy which is unresolved. Perhaps you can work out what that is and discuss it with your wife.

[Lucky Laser]

Hi and welcome. I agree with the others here. I would especially emphasize that you talk with someone and maybe see if your wife would be open to going with you if you think it would be helpful.

[nightowl52]

You say you have a 5 month old baby? Is your wife suffering from post partum blues? My Mother had this after my oldest brother was born & her symptoms are as bad as my ptsd, very close. Also, mothers seem to worry about money more. If a child gets sick, needs special shoes, food, so much to worry about being able provide for them.
I don't know if you said you have ptsd or not, but your wife may have a simular disorder , post baby blues.