How Do You Cry?

[JustJane]

* I cry silently
* I cry semi-silently
* Depends on circumstances/location
* I don't cry

I learned to cry silently from too many verbal lashes about "only babies cry" and finding too few people who cared to comfort me. I thought it was just me, until I read someone elses diary. How many others are there? Do tears stream from your eyes in a personal anguish, completely undetected by someone sitting or standing right behind you?

[JustJane]

I know this didn't come out in poll format. What did I do wrong?

[Cindy]

This is an interesting question.

I can't cry. Maybe I cry silently - the measure of internal suffering that you wish you could cry to let it out.

Again, do I think it is a weakness to cry? I won't even get into other's reactions to crying. I'm just thinking of being alone and crying; and I still can't even if I want to as a release.

I can count on two hands the times I've cried in the past ten years. It's wierd. My therapist knows if he see's tears in my eyes we are in deep sh##.

Maybe it is the vulnerability of crying and externallizing our pain where others can see it, leaving us open for attack?

Lot's to think about.

[Shoshin]

As am American man from the Midwest, I have learned to cry by:


going to the woods and sleeping alone in my tent
going to the pub and drinking a few pints
smoking until my throat is raw
working outside in the yard
lifting weights or running
watching violent movies/playing violent video games
staying silent, being tough
punishing myself for wanting to cry

[Cindy]

The best is when it is raining on the tent, the sound is so calming.
Being tough is so hard sometimes and exhausting. Part of the great facade.

I'm curious - what is in your garden? Flowers or vegetables or both. Perenials or Annuals?

The little house and the garden sound like a nice haven.

[sallyb98178]

I cry after my angry outbursts, when I get alone and realize what I have done. Again.

I cried yesterday when I found this forum and read the responses to the poll about whether you think there is a recovery from ptsd.

[linasmom]

At a young age I learned to cry silently or else I would get abused some more. And then I learned to not cry at all.

This poll made me really depressed.

[TLight]

I didn't cry at all when at 'home' (if you could call it that).

Then, when I'm hurting, I don't really cry.... I moan and look up in agony to a God I don't understand, I scream in pain, my whole body writhes and twists, I beat my face with my hands.........
But lately, with therapy. I've been crying. Sometimes for days on end. It worries me, but my T says to just tell myself it's the grief and it will pass.

[JustJane]

linasmom, I'm sorrty, that wasn't my intention.

[Shoshin]

Cindy,

I love the sound of rain anywhere, but yes on the fly of the tent...that is special! The garden this year will have Mexico Midget tomatoes, Ideal Market pole beans, jalapenos, cayenne peppers, zucchini, gourds, purple tomatillos, ancho peppers, basil, cilantro, lettuce, oregano, spearmint, hyssop, bee balm, and marguerites. We have a small mason bee nesting site, and sunflower seed, thistle and nectar feeders for the birds as well. The garden is a refuge when I want to cry, too. I can get my hands in the dirt and be rough, or I can be gentle with the leaves of a fragile seedling. When other things go to hell, the garden is still there, creating life, food and beauty, oblivious to the things that drag me down.

[TLight]

I working in a nursery right now. I love the simplicity of dealing with the plants, learning their needs, clipping their dead parts. Pretty symbolic huh?

Scared about money,feel like I should be pursuing my career as an Ecologist, but started out in Consulting and it's SOOO about Greed and B*tching people and telling people what they can't do with their land and having to listen to them B*tch............I thought I got away from being a waittress because of that.

So the nursery is OK for now, until I hear from SSD. The fatigue is intense because I have Fibro and Chronic Fatigue...........but nature and plants save my soul. My first day at the nursery, I actually felt peace and contentment for the first time ever at a job.

Plants cry too........did you guys know that? When there's an infestation of fungus or insects, they send 'drops' of chemical messagers through their sap droppings and through their roots to 'warn' the other trees! REally trippy man!

[Jet]

I cry silently...always have and probably always will. Cried all day today and no one

And we are looking to get property in a year or so and I can't wait...must have room for a garden.

[Cindy]

T-light:

Sounds like the perfect job for you. You work independently, solo, and help the plants that you know so much about. I hope you can steer away from the public sales so you don't get any whiners. But you would be great at helping people like me choose the right plants for my yard knowing the right soils, lighting needs, and climates. Have you thought much about landscape design?

Cindy

[linasmom]

JustJane,

No worries, it isn't your fault!!! I think it's a really good poll.

Best,
Rachel

[TLight]

Yes, In fact I have a program for landscape archetects that i use to do my native plant restoration plans for mitigation required by the County, State, etc.

I'm going to a Working Women's Group from Meetup.com next Wednesday. Thought I'd bring that up there, garden design.
Thanks for the idea!

[Cindy]

t-light;

you could also hook up with local garden clubs as maybe a speaker or offer your services to look at people's gardens and give them pointers or advice of plant locations that aren't doing so well.

[Cindy]

Well, things are getting stirred up, This is good - really. I think I've been turned off for the past 8 months. I was in a bad situation where I was in a constant triggering environment 8 hours a day, M-F in my once safe place, my classroom. It was beyond a nightmare. I can't even come to terms with it yet. In December I even stayed home for 8 days. I couldn't even leave my house. I felt so bad I couldn't go in to protect my students but it was that or the hospital and leaving them with him unguarded for atleast another 6 weeks. I'm still looking for my feet to put them on the ground. He was removed from my classroom on January 30th. My hypervigilence has reduced but is not manageable yet let alone everything else that goes with it. Whew - what a life.

[She Cat]

I didn't vote, but will say this. When I allow myself to cry, it isn't a good thing. I usually can't stop and end up suicidal. I do let a few tears fall now and then, but catch myself quickly and stop. Otherwise it just gets out of hand and I end up a nut case.

[Cecilia]

I cry silently and hide behind a big smile. I've had many years of hiding feelings and actions.

[Nicolette]

Sometimes when I start to cry I try and stop myself as I'm scared that if I start I may never stop.

[2quilt]

I cry silently too, because if i made crying noises as a kid, the beating would continue until i stopped making noise.

[Lucky Laser]

If I am really, REALLY scared (maybe something like when I first latch onto a trigger) the tears just come out silently. I'm afraid that if I open my mouth, I will start screaming, and once I start screaming, its hard to stop.

If my husband catches on and talks to me gently and holds me, I start just crying uncontrollably, and sometimes it can get kind of loud.

The most embarrassing thing... once I was in one of those states and crying so hard that the neighbors (apartment building) called the cops because they thought my husband had hurt me! He came out of the shower to find a cop standing there with his gun drawn and when I followed I heard the cop yell at me to get out there and when I explained what had happened the cop didn't even seem to know what PTSD was! He asked if I could tell him about it or if it was too personal... and I had to repeat "PTSD" to him like three times so he could write it down. SOOOO VERYYYY EMBARRASSING. I was depressed about that for days. :(

[nightowl52]

The garden has been a very good place for me 2

[harrywgtn]

i can really blubber sometimes , for the last 2 weeks i can cry at the drop of the hat. Makes it very tricky at work.