Do You Lie To Those You Care - To Hide The Truth?

[sisu]

Do you ever lie to the people that care about you to cover up the truth? Do you find it is easier to lie than to be honest? Just curious.

Sisu

[sisu]

I have caught my ex-BF in at least two lies. Lies that didn't need to be told because I didn't even need to know the information either way. One was a lie about being physically ill and need to leave immediatly when at work. Of course I worried about him....who wouldn't?

I think it is his twisted way to keep my on the hook just a bit longer so he can figure out what to do with me. I am feeling empowered right now and I just sent him an email stating that he needs to be accountable for his behavior towards me. He cannot treat me poorly and if he does, I will not tolerate it. I will be gone.

I can't stand lies. I would rather the cold hard truth any day to a lie.

Sisu :wall:

[spiritofnow]

ALWAYS!

I would not class it as lying though! I believe that sometimes the person who is not being totally honest is not always aware that they are withholding. Sometimes I know that I feel a certain way but I feel frozen and find it too difficult to express it, for many reasons. Sometimes I would express the feeling after I have dealt with it. This is all dependent on what it is that I am feeling. If the feeling or thought is just too much then I may just continue to supress it!

We all have indivdualistic ways of coping and until someone is ready to undo their dysfunctional coping mechanism the people that they are close to may always feel like they are lying, as you put it.

Spirit x

[Lucky Laser]

I can't stand lies either... if someone lies to me and didn't have a darn good reason for it, they feel my wrath. Have you talked with him yet about why he felt the need to lie to you about it?

As for the question, I don't lie to people I am close to. If its something I don't want to say, I just go silent and then they know the truth from my silence. Sometimes I will just tell them "sorry, I can't talk about that now." If its something that I have the opportunity to hide if I wanted, I probably wouldn't hide it if it was anything that could affect me or the other person. I just don't see a reason to and I hate lies and cover-ups so much I just can't do it.

[spiritofnow]

I think I can relate to that 2nd post?

It's the mask of a PTSD sufferer, well it was for me. Never being truhtful with myslef meant that I would not be with others' either. I thought I had to present myself to the world in a certain way in order to feel accepted.

It's scary sometimes to admit that you are vulnerable, not coping, not as you feel you should be in this world be that physically and or mentally.

Spirit x

[spiritofnow]

My initial post was answering the main thread. I do not condone lying. However, depending on the lie I would ask the person why they felt the need to mislead you? It's not always the worst case-scenario that we imagine it to be. I would ask first then assess how you feel.

Spirit x

[sisu]

I think that he is lying to me right now because he truly doesn't want me out of his life, but he cannot handle me in his life right now either. When I ask him to go to lunch or something....that is when the lies happen. He makes up a lie to say he can't go instead of just saying....I can't go. When he does go he says he loves me or that I am still his best friend and he kisses me.

I was continuing to periodically ask him to lunch or something just to let him know that I care and that I am still here. He seemed receptive to all of if. I guess I just need to leave him alone and he will contact if and when he is ever ready.

I just can't do the lies.

Sisu

[Roo]

I am sad to write that lying is second nature to me. Lying about myself...my state of being; lying to myself and struggling so to stop it.

There was so much lying and deceit and covering up done in my family's home...and for me it was a matter of survival. Telling the truth didn't seem to do any good or make any difference. More often than not, I couldn't speak. Froze into panic. Couldn't think. Blank as a black hole.

I had to suppress every clue to the truth about my home life. I had to feel, think, remember nothing to get through a day at school without anyone noticing me.

This self-negation nearly killed me when I was nine.

We had a pedal-car in our huge basement. One day I got into the car and badly scraped the top of my right ankle on a rusty fragment. A huge triangle of flesh had been opened and the wound was bleeding like mad. Somehow I got upstairs to my bathroom without being detected; I ran a hot bath and sat in it for ages, thinking that rinsing the foot would get all the gunk out. Then I wrapped my foot in bandages.

I got through one day at school. My ankle was swelling, hot, taut and rigid. I limped into that evening but still evaded notice.

The next day...I was rushed home from the school infirmary after collapsing. I couldn't walk. High fever. Was carried into my house, into the kitchen, was sat on the counter. Screaming and crying. My mother and at least one of our domestic staff (yes, we had one...and some of those people were my life-savers; one is my spiritual mother) yanked off my sock, tore off the gory mess of gauze and Band-Aids I'd rigged around my foot, and went ballistic. I was hauled to the hospital and massively dosed with antibiotics, anti-inflammatories, and painkillers.

Decades later, my mother confided to me that if I'd gone one more day, my right leg would have had to be amputated at the knee. My body was beginning to go into sepsis; I could have died from blood poisoning.

For me, illness was cause for punishment. So was injury. My mere presence in a room could set my mother off. I had to live in exile among my relatives, even as I lived within their walls.

I had to make my whole life a lie in a way...just because I was alive.

Illness was sometimes a cause for excitement and a bizarre celebratory spirit in my mother. If one of her children's illnesses worked to her advantage -- got her lots of attention, possibly some new pharmaceuticals, maybe a trip to the Caribbean to get her out of the sickhouse -- she became flamboyantly attentive to us while regaling the doctors with the horror stories. Sometimes we had to lie about our symptoms --> to pretend to be sick -- so that our mother could get her thrills. I was submitted to at least one invasive and unnecessary surgery.

I in particular somehow had to make my body lie, to show the symptoms that my mother was in such a frenzy about.

Absolutely crazy-making.

At the same time, ethically...I feel such sorrow and abhorrence for how easily we humans lie to one another. I feel like slime for the instances when I lied and really hurt others. Every choice we make, every seemingly crazy behaviour ends up ultimately making sense...and lying brings such harm, almost always. Sometimes, too, a lie can keep a person alive.

Sorry for the downer tone of this post...I'm having a really hard day :-(

Roo

[Lucky Laser]

After reading what Roo wrote I think I misunderstood the question a little. I am not always honest with or about my feelings. Especially with certain people (and sometimes even to myself). I can freeze up or I am afraid of their reactions.

For example, my Mom is a nurse and since she dealt with illness all day in the hospital she doesn't like seeing it at home and while she wasn't mean about it, her frustrated reactions to physical illness at home were enough to scare me into not saying anything until I was pretty sick.

Now if its a direct question about where I've been or something I've done, or if I did something bad I usually can't lie about those things (though it can depend on the person).

I hope that makes sense...

[sunnydaze]

Sisu,
I don't lie but I don't offer any info on my dealing with depression and PTSD. I don't mention anything to my daughter and very little to my husband or friends. Maybe, by my moods they already know and maybe I think I am hiding it but am not.
sunnydaze

[sisu]

Wow Roo.
All I can say is wow.....I cannot imagine what that must have been like, felt like, etc. I hope you find this place, this forum, helpful to your healing as it has been for me.

I can understand why people would lie...but I still do not like it. I myself cannot lie....I turn colors, dart my eyes and am a dead giveaway when I am lying. It doesn't work for me. I have tried before. Besides I am not a genius. You would have to be able to remember all of the lies that you told so you don't get caught in the web of lies.

Sisu :rolleyes:

[Cindy]

I don't lie but I hold back on a regular basis with relatives and friends. If asked how I am I may say, not so good but I'm still going.

That usually is all they want to hear. I have found they don't like to hear any details or if they do they give me useless advice or "you should ....". I consider it useless most the time because they don't understand either my limitations or the depth of the trigger for me. Heck, they don't even get what a trigger is. (nor do they seem to care).

So, instead of responding with the 'whole' truth, I limit my responses dependent on the ability of the listener to understand. I have very little tolerance with unacceptable advice. It infers that the listener doesn't know me or want to try to know me and that hurts.

Now if my therapist asks, I'm dead on exactly how I feel. But the rest of the world- I have to wonder if asked just for politeness or they really want to know.

[She Cat]

When people ask me how I am.......Shit if I told them the truth...I would depress them too...LOL!!!!! I just kind of say, "Oh I am ok." In reality I am so frigging depressed that I want to just give up. But I kind of fake it through, put on a fake smile and go about with doing whatever.

I actually asked someone today how they manage to be happy all the time. She told me that if I opened myself up and looked around at things outside of myself, I would see all the miracles happening in the world. I replied, "I really hate optimistic people." Then we both had a chuckle and a good talk about depression and how to TRY to overcome it......

[Cecilia]

Sometimes I am not completely honest, but I think that is normal for most people. I have left work because of anxiety, but told my superviser that I was ill and needed to leave immediately. If I didn't leave immediately, the anxiety may escalate and cause an embarrassing situation.

[Cindy]

Recently at work I was experiencing constant triggering to the point I had to take 8 days off or go in the hospital. At the time I was totally losing it, My therapist and psychiatrist offered to inform my employer about my PTSD or to talk with my primary physician and work up something with him for my employer.

Bottom line, it was clear if I told my employer my workplace would be forever changed with their knowledge of my disorder. The principal was a little mystified to my strong response to my classroom colleague and could not understand why I was having such difficulties (crying in his office three or four times, taking the time off, etc). I am well respected as a veteran teacher and can handle the most difficult classes. It was hard for them to get a handle on what was going on. They were missing the link that brought it all together. This guy was honestly a nightmare for the students and me. He was terminated after 6 months (it was his 15th job in 15 years).

Ultimately, I decided not to let the cat out of the bag. I got huge amounts of medication and toughed it out. If this monster was allowed to stay I don't think I could have made it through the year. I would be taking a medical leave. I definitely am dealing with retraumatization right now.

[Roo]

I think the worst lies are those we believe about our selves, our worth, our essential humanity; this is the worst betrayal: that we believe we are unworthy to exist, or to exist without mercy...I found this quote today and it gets at what I've been trying to express:

"The danger is not that the soul should doubt whether there is any bread, but that, by a lie, it should persuade itself that it is not hungry." (Simone Weil)

Survivors...have such hungry souls. May we all be nourished. :Hug_emoticon:

Roo

[Grama-Herc]

Sisu

Regarding the lies he tells you when you ask him to go somewhere. I can answer that one for you. I spent years coming up with good lies. It is not that he wants to lie to you. He is terrified to tell you the truth. How does a grown man explain to his girl friend that he is scared to go. He literally, physically, emotionally and mentally can not make himself go with you. It is a fear in him. A very deep seated fear--of what you ask---even he does not know the answer to that question.

I can tell you from experience that when I would be asked to go someplace, I would break out in a cold seat, I would start to tremble inside and actually get nausous.

I know that I don't have to lie about this anymore and yet it is still hard to say, sorry I can't. Reason-----you are going to ask why! Try giving him space. Ask, invite and then when he gives you his lie, just say Ok, and don't take it personally. Hopefully he wil get to the point where he will feel comfortable just saying Sorry, I can't.

But the reason we lie is the truth is to hard to explain. So by not asking why not you will help him so very much.

[sisu]

Herc,
You are right. As I stated in another post in here...I tend to try to fix the problems I see and the way to fix a problem in someone with ptsd is to allow them to fix it. I keep wanting to see him, so I can talk to him and help him. But because he is not "there" yet and cannot talk to me about it, it forces him to lie to me. He cannot bear the truth....the fact that he cannot be around me right now.

I have no doubt about his love for me, but that is not always enough. As much as I can give him unconditional love, if he cannot see and accept it for what it is, it doesn't matter. His "walls of protection" are high and thick right now.

I do tease him that I see cracks in "his walls" and he says he is going to go and repair his walls with cement immediatley. We can still laugh and joke about this even though it is painful on the heart.

Sisu

[nic]

I don't lie, but I sure as heck omit...A LOT! I don't see that as lying, though. I think that sometimes I'm just not able/ready/comfortable telling someone something.

[Thornyrose]

I think I can relate to that 2nd post?

It's the mask of a PTSD sufferer, well it was for me. Never being truhtful with myslef meant that I would not be with others' either. I thought I had to present myself to the world in a certain way in order to feel accepted.

It's scary sometimes to admit that you are vulnerable, not coping, not as you feel you should be in this world be that physically and or mentally.

Spirit x

Well explained - I can't shake the same feeling, I am not coping. Its scarey as hell. I lie because I cannot be me, I have to be someone else - who I think I should seem to be if I am to be allowed to live. It sounds illogical when I write it down, but I feel as though utter strangers have the right to take away my life, and I would have no right to protest. Lying sometimes feels safer. And means that no-one can see the vulnerability I feel.

[2tired2deal]

I think it's imperative that you understand the person who's 'covering up' doesn't see it as a lie. There's a difference between deceit and avoidance.
I invited a friend to meet and go out; when the day before came, I was paralyzed with a fear, I just did NOT want to go and meet. I can't explain it. So I 'invented' a reason why it wouldn't work after all, and backed out. Did I feel horrible? Yes. Did I feel relieved? Yes again. Do I understand why I did it? Nope. It was a 'lie', but it was also self-preservation. And all I knew was that it was what I had to do, at that time...

[Grama-Herc]

You could not have explained my life any better. It is as if you were sitting on my shoulder for the past 11 years.

I make plans. I want to go places and do things. But when the time nears, there is no physical way I can go. The panic and anxiety that steps in and stops me dead in my tracks is so intense

I do not understand this at all! Do You? The invented reason. That is what eventually cost me my job. I simply could not keep track of those "invented reasons" why I was unable to go to work. They fired me. I certainly don't blame them. I had gotten to the point that I could not show up any morer.

What we do is not lieing, It is Self Preservation. It is Our Survival. If we are pushed we will collapse. That is the cold hard fact of our lives

[superpcp]

i find it is certainly easier to lie to them rather than be straight. but then again, i think the family and friends i lie to dont want to hear the truth anyways. they just want to hear the happy fake stuff full of puppies and rainbows. so yes, it is much easier for me and them in my situation to put on that mask and lie.

[2tired2deal]

[quote=Grama-Herc;64580]You could not have explained my life any better. It is as if you were sitting on my shoulder for the past 11 years.

I make plans. I want to go places and do things. But when the time nears, there is no physical way I can go. The panic and anxiety that steps in and stops me dead in my tracks is so intense

I do not understand this at all! Do You? The invented reason. That is what eventually cost me my job. I simply could not keep track of those "invented reasons" why I was unable to go to work. They fired me. I certainly don't blame them. I had gotten to the point that I could not show up any more. [quote=Grama-Herc;64580]



I don't understand it, either. And it seems to be increasing. I need to talk to my T, because it's turning me into a hermit. I was fired for the first time in my life a couple of years ago, and I've not been in a hurry to go back to work. I changed careers, and went to work for a while, then I had to have surgery, and I could probably work now, but I'm choosing to pursue school fulltime instead. I can handle being in class for a few hours a day, but I look forward to being home ASAP. I have four animals, and while at home, I joke with my husband that I must be the 'Pied Piper' of the house, because everywhere I go, they follow me. Even the cats. I get up and go to the kitchen, they're all underfoot. (The cat swipes at the little dog, it makes me laugh). I go back to 'my room' where I have TV, computer, phone, everything I need, they all follow and the dogs lay on the floor next to the bed and the cat tries to lay ON me. I guess the point of this is that I get comfort from them more than any human in my life (except my hubby of course). So staying home is really preferable for me. That's probably bad.
The weird thing is, I'm good at my new profession (Nursing) and I love it. But I get increasingly anxious about meeting and greeting socially. I guess I'm good at nursing because people appreciate me, and I'm gentle with them.
Grandma Herc, I DO understand how you feel. Thank you for sharing your feelings with me. :Hug_emoticon: