Denial? Confused About What This Is

[Cowgirl]

I'm too full of questions.

My DH dances all around what happened to him. He drops hints about it, and makes brief comments about it. He's never come out and discussed it directly at any length. Other times, he will flat out deny having said anything, and he will flat out say that NOTHING ever happened. It seems to me that when he's most worked up and his PTSD symptoms are bad, that's when he seems to try to push that whole period of his life into non-existence - it just didn't happen at all! If I didn't know he had PTSD, I'd swear he was playing mind games with me, but I know that isn't it. It still leaves me feeling baffled.

Is this denial? Or what am I dealing with, if it isn't? It is very frustrating, and sometimes it makes me feel a little crazy, this changing life history, this history that is alternately partially acknowledged and then totally denied. It might help if I could understand what is going on a bit better.

Thanks,

Cowgirl

[Cindy]

He can try to keep denying it but it won't work forever. As I said before the hardest step is accepting. I have accepted it many times and then flew back to the other side. Go through the painful process of accepting it again. I don't know why I do this. I think because living with the 'monster' controlling you is too difficult to accept it will always be a struggle of will.

The thing is realizing that it is not controlling you and you can manage it mostly. The times or frequency that I feel out of control is a lot less and when it does happen now I am much quicker at recognizing what I have to do to take the reigns back.

It takes a lot of pain to get where I am and it is not easy to acknowledge that is what you have to do. It's like having corrective surgery. Do you want the pain, no, but will the outcome of the process better your life, yes. What do you choose?

[Awakening]

Gosh I've done and do this. Never thought of it as denial as such, more just outright bloody confusion. Although yes, I guess it is denial. I shy away from denial because it always sounds like something deliberate and calculated, when often it's subconscious, a defense mechanism whatever.

I can only tell you what helps me when I swing between these two states. Firstly, my therapist has said it's not at all uncommon for trauma survivors to do this - swing between different states.

Her response to my swinging, twisting, turning about face is always consistent. That is she always empathetic but she doesn't necessarily agree with what I'm saying. She has no particular opinion about it. In other words I may be swapping & changing my story but she never is.

Instead she tends to reflect back "I hear your saying you think x might have happened" or "I hear your saying now that you don't feel it was that bad" (she is not saying it wasn't bad, just that I don't feel it was that bad). So it makes me feel heard, like she is listening to me.

Occasionally she will push or challenge further, but this is something designed for therapy I don't imagine you'd want to do that in your own home. But you might want to say 'this is something you should discuss in therapy it could be helpful or significant' (assuming there is a therapist).

Also it helps me to be reassured that it's okay to be confused. My therapist reassures me that 'right now you think it did happen' or 'right now you believe you have the story wrong'. She reassures it's okay to change my mind as often as I want, take my time. She also encourages reality checking, evidence collecting and writing it down - keeping a journal. That way you can see your own contradictions or hold them against independant evidence i.e. Jack was a witness to the hold up he saw it happen.

Hope that helps! Must be frustrating witnessing it but I can tell you it's extremely frustrating living it! Very very confusing, and I often wonder if I'm going mad or have some undiagnosed mental illness.

[Cowgirl]

Thank you SO MUCH! I think I understand a little bit better what might be going on with this.

Cowgirl

[Auburngirl]

Cowgirl- this sounds so much like me I had to comment. I dance around things and drop hints when I do want to talk about things but can't figure out how, or I think I can finally talk about something and get part way there and realise it's too much. Often it results in a circular sort of conversation where I keep coming back to something interspersed with another topic, and each time there is a tiny bit more info. I'm sure for the other person it must appear like a puzzle. Sometimes though I need someone to gently ask, or guide the conversation once I start it. Or, just be open to a conversation that is quite meandering - knowing that changing the subject frequently might be necessary to avoid being overwhelmed.

I also find, that with PTSD what did happen is important, but your experience of what happened, or how you are experiencing or relating to it now is more important. So trying to sort out what 'actualy happened' may not be that important. Right now he thinks X happened, or feels X, or doesn't think X happened, that's is important and that's part of his experience.

[Auburngirl]

I guess just to add, that for me the PTSD experience has been mainly about two things: dissociating and not feeling anything on the one hand, and incredible ovewhelming terrifying fear on the other. I think if you understand how terrified your husband may be, his behaviour might make more sense.