Needing Time Alone

[Nicolette]

There are times when Anthony is ill that he wants to be alone. While I understand this, it is difficult when I have down days and feel like I just want to work from home. As I have to deal with so many people there are times I just want to do the alone thing too but by doing so I inadvertently invade Anthony's need for space or time out from people.

Then there are also the times when he is unwell but so am I and I want to stay home but feel like I shouldn't so as not to impose on Anthony.

Any suggestions?

[She Cat]

Nic,

Relationships are tough, add PTSD to the mix and this is what you are left with. I'm sorry that things aren't going well with you and Anthony, and just want you to know I care.

I am not good in the relationship dept, so I won't give advice, just sending good thoughts and hugs to both of you.....:Hug_emoticon::Hug_emoticon:

[Cindy]

Can you create a space for you to retreat to in the house, like your own special room?

I sometimes escape to the Public Library where it is quite. There is computer access, magazines, a place to write in my journal and be by myself - but out of my house, a different surrounding.

I had a friend who had an excellent escape in her yard. She got a gazebo and screened it in. Inside were candles, big pillows for lounging, lapboards so she could write, and a basket with snacks and bottled water. Whenever she needed to escape her teenagers she retreated to the gazebo - her private place. One night she even slept out there in a sleeping bag.

Some how you each need to create a private space to retreat to and be respected for your privacy. You need to set your boundaries and 'rules' when using these spaces.

I think it will work - but you have to communicate your needs to each other.

It is not easy but I think it is the only way it will work.

[2quilt]

My husband is more introverted than I am, and he needs quiet and alone time to decompress alot more than I do. He goes to one end of the house and stays there, and i go to the other and stay there, and I leave him alone until he emerges. When he wants to eat, he will go in the kitchen and get it himself and eat alone, or we get Chinese take out and he makes a plate and goes back and hides.

This is perfectly fine with me because then he is not 'under foot' and I can get my quilting done and watch my shows and listen to my music, which he does not like.

One cat sits on him and the other sits on me. They are not too demanding, just good company. After the human timeshare period is up, the cats switch laps.

This works for us. If he wants me, he knows where to find me.

[Jet]

I was going to ask if you could find your own little space or nook at home but cindy beat me too it.


When Brent and I got together we made the back room of our apt the TV/computer room. We both use it for watching movies but mostly it is his. When he needs a break (from life or hell, lets be honest...from me) he can go in close the door and play video games, listen to music or mess with his computer to his hearts content without interuptions.

You have to be able to take care of yourself too. Everybody needs that...not just the ones who have PTSD. And frankly, putting off your needs in favor of Anthony's won't do anyone any good in the long run. Then you will have two worn out sick people instead of one. And that is not a good thing.

Take care,
Jet

[Nicolette]

I'm sorry that things aren't going well with you and Anthony, and just want you to know I care.


Thanks for your concern Wendy but things are fine between Anthony and I and all is well on a relationship front. We have just had a few bumps with this type of situation in the past and I decided to ask now when I am not reacting emotionally. I was more interested to see how other people dealt with this - that is if they had to which intrigued me also.

Cindy, 2quilt & Jet - thanks for your input.

[She Cat]

Sorry about the confusion. I guess it was the title of the thread that threw me....Can I Come Home Now? Sounded like you two were taking a break from each other due to stress.....

Glad things are Ok.....

[Nicolette]

Fair point Wendy. I have edited the title to something less confusing :wink:

[Cowgirl]

Others have pointed out a need for a private place for each of you. I could not agree more. Togetherness is wonderful. But so too is time alone. It is important for anyone, whether or not they have PTSD.

If you can carve out a niche at home where you can work from home, and where you won't have to be in Anthony's space to do so, that is ideal. Few of us have the luxury of a place large enough for two offices. But would it be possible to set up separate areas? Two separate nooks? With the advent of laptops and wireless routers, almost any room or portion of a room can be your work space. That's what we do - use laptops. That way we can write or do work from home anywhere in the house, and we can be together or apart as we need. We also have our separate nooks for our hobbies.

My folks are older and have not moved into modern technology. They have two desks in their home, one for Dad, one for Mom. The desks are in different rooms, but those rooms are not "just" offices. One is in a room that is mostly an office but can be a guest room. The other is in a bedroom. That is very good, as each has a place to go to work, to write, etc.

Hope that is of some help.

Cowgirl

[Awakening]

My husband & I work from home from time to time. Sometimes togetherness is wonderful and other times aloneness is wonderful - which I'm experiencing right now! I think this is true of all couples (wanting alone time) regardless of PTSD.

We have separate laptops and will work in separate areas but sometimes you really want the entire place all to yourself.

I think you have to compromise like anything else. If Anthony has had alot of recent alone time perhaps he could go for a long walk to give you an hour at home by yourself. It may even be good for Anthony to get kicked out of the house and have a change of scenery. I'm just thinking of myself here, sometimes I need time alone, but then it turns from time alone to simply getting lazy and not pushing myself to get out of the house at all. Not sure if this is the case here but thought I'd raise it.

Alternatively - a coffee shop or the library as has been suggested. Sometimes you may not need a whole day but just an hour.

Also I think in an ideal world all carers should be having time out to themselves getting a massage, manicure etc. You can easily lose yourself when caring for another.

If all else fails, I'm living in Melbourne so you can come to my house!

[Nicolette]

If all else fails, I'm living in Melbourne so you can come to my house!

Thanks Awakening :smile:

[linasmom]

Hi Nicolette,

My husband and I have an office with a bed and a TV in it so that there is always another room in the house open if one of us needs some private time. If that option is not available for you guys, this may sound strange, but I like just sitting in my car sometimes for alone time. We have a wireless connection so I could easily take my laptop to my car and be on the internet. I know it may sound strange, but I find solace in small spaces.

Best,
Rachel

[Cindy]

I've used my car many a day for relief and space.

It's really warm in the spring and fall with the effect of the sun and windows. The seats recline and the music is good. I haven't taken off, I'm still available near by just in my own space at the time.

[aeb7311]

Hi

My partner has been running his own business from home, but he only has about 5 or 6 hours a week where he actually has clients. So he is always at home- literally. I have hardly been home alone since we moved in together almost a year ago.

I tend to find other ways to be alone. Walking, exercise, reading in our bedroom, going for a massage, having a bath... Sometimes my partner will run me a bath, get me a cold drink and make me have some de-stress time. I really appreciate that he is looking out for my needs in that small way, since I spend a fair bit of time trying to look out for his.

I don't have the option of working at home (unless i bring my class of 5 year olds over! lol) but i have my computer set up in my own study- this is also sort of 'my space' where i don't have to feel guilty about the mess and disorder which i work in, which my partner can't deal with. The laptop is also great as I can go wherever i want to, even outside.

i hope you find a way to compromise- so often we feel guilt about needing things for ourselves. Good luck :)

[Anonymoose]

I like to either go to the cafe to escape my home or go home to relax in bed or take a shower to escape the outside world. For me, escape is as much a state of mind as a change of location.