How Much Do You Tell Your Partner?

[Auburngirl]

I'm just dating so perhaps 'partner' is over-stating things but I was trying to be gender-neutral.

My partner knows I am dealing with PTSD (it would be hard not to notice something is going on). I've found some reasonably good info on PTSD (a pamphlet) and dissociation and gave them to him. According to my therapist, however, what I have is not regular PTSD but complex PTSD or DESNOS, and Panic disorder, and DDNOS. I have found the info I've found on C-PTSD to be frightening, and there to be very little on DESNOS. The stuff on DDNOS makes it sound like I have multiple personalities which I don't - and depending on descriptions of C-PTSD sometimes these symptoms and those of panic are included.

I don't want to overwhelm him with info, or completely freak him out (frankly the above list of acronyms does freak me out, and makes me feel sicker than I am), but I'm also trying to be accurate. But much of the stuff on CPTSD is about child abuse and borderline personality disorder and I don't feel these apply to me. It's easier for me to give him material, than to describe everything and/or it provides a starting point. Has anyone found something useful (relatively simple, not too alarming, and practical?)

[linasmom]

Hi Auburngirl,

I've been diagnosed as having Complex PTSD, as well. My understanding is that a diagnosis of Complex PTSD is given (btw, c-ptsd is not yet included in the DSM) when there are certain and specific over arching symptoms of borderline personality disorder and the traumatic events happened over an extended period of time. A diagnosis of C-PTSD does not necessarily have to involve childhood abuse (although mine is). My understanding could be wrong, but my T and I just had this discussion a few days ago.

I'm confused why you were given a multiple diagnosis of DDNOS and Panic as these symptoms are all part of C-PTSD. Dissociation does not mean having multiple personalities. There are some really good descriptions of these symptoms on the forum; they are well written and easily understandable. I've printed out and given my husband several of the threads here and it has helped his understanding.

With regards to sharing - I would guess that is up to you and your partner. My advice is to share what you are comfortable sharing, at this time.

Best,
Rachel

[pandora]

I think you should be at least healing...I tried too early last time, I got hurt but i got over it. It didn't too much for my self esteem after...during it did...but I think it scared him a bit...I did idssacociate in front of him....I can immagine that being scary if you never have seen that.......maybe one day I will try again...ya maybe in 20 years!

[Auburngirl]

My partner has seen me dissociate many times - it does scare him, and this is part of the reason I wanted to give him information, as he wants to know how he can help, etc.

I've found the descriptions of DDNOS are often grouped with MPD - not that dissociation in general is equated with MPD.

Linasmom- where did you find the descriptions of CPTSD?

[2quilt]

I am an open person by nature, so I told my then boyfriend, now husband, an awful lot up front about my mental stability and physical disabilities during the first days we knew each other. I did that because previous potential boyfriends ended the relationship when life with me got too hard, i.e. when they saw me as 'broken' or 'damaged goods', and I think that it's better that I be up front about what I have to give in a relationship before that fella starts wanting to get too close to me. Unload the weak men!

I did not give him the gory details of my traumas until later.

The man i married didn't even blink when I told him what kind of woman I am. He had been married before to a woman he had to put in the state hospital by force because she refused to acknowledge problems. I am just the opposite--I seek help for my problems the minute i notice them and I am not afraid to acknowledge that i have mental and physical problems. They are simple truths and facts. My husband saw how I deal with all my imperfections, and he was cool with it.

I am not a secret-keeper, by my nature. I will tell anyone very private things just as the facts they are. We are all adults here. Not everyone is that candid, so don't force yourself to reveal more than you feel comfortable with. Spoon it out little by little, and watch for choking.

[She Cat]

It is best to be honest, but it's a personal choice, and it has to be done when you are feeling comfortable with it. How much you tell is also up to you.

I don't think it's a good idea to NOT tell, that to me is lying by omission. Not a good way to start a relationship. JMO!!!!!!

[linasmom]

Hi Auburngirl,

If you look on the front page of the forum, under the header "information" you will see a topic called "Post Traumatic Stress Disorder". There's tons of information there, along with a specific thread entitled "Complex PTSD".

The information that I posted above was told to me directly by my therapist. Of course, that doesn't make it an absolute, but I know that Anthony posted a video blog somewhere where he talks about Complex PTSD and basically states the same thing my Therapist explained to me.

Good luck and I think you'll find some really valuable information on this forum.

Best,
Rachel

[Auburngirl]

Hi Linasmom,

I had a look, but it looks like it's the wikipedia entry - which I've already read and found lacking. I'll keep looking and maybe try to find the book by Judith Herman that seems to be cited all over the place.

I've been pretty open about what I'm going through - but of course initially didn't know what it was. PTSD hit me full blast when I started this relationship which was the first real one since my traumatic incidents of which many occured in the last relationship. So it's a slightly different situation than for many of you. When we started dating I didn't know I had PTSD - and then it hit me, and I was completely freaked out and he had no idea what was going on.

[WorkingThruIt]

I tell my girlfriend some stuff, but not as much as I tell my therapist or friends that have been through something traumatic. She seems a little freaked out sometimes if I go into much detail (this could be me being self-conscious about it too). I am afraid that she will think I am insane if I tell her everything. She just doesn't understand.

[2quilt]

Working,
My husband is like that when I tell him the gory details of my traumas. He grew up in a 'perfect household' where there was no violence, drinking, abuse of any kind. When I tell him things that happened to me, his skin crawls and it's hard for him to believe that humans can be that cruel to one another. My experiences are so alien to him that he can't wrap his mind around my stories.
He tries to be understanding, though. He gets silent and freezes when I tell him details.

[spiritofnow]

My previous partner once said, 'just hurry up and get better', I said,' don't you think if it were that easy that I would have tried that technique already'. He did not understand and neither did I at the time. However, the more I did understand and want to share the more unavailable he became. He could not cope with it! He is not a bad person he just found it all very upsetting and confusing. He likened it to constantly having to suck snake poison out from me in order for me to survive, the only problem was that he was also becoming poisened.
He fell in love with happy, vibrant, confident, funny and loving Spirit. Once I had invested my emotions in him it became increasingly obvious that I was much more than just those charactersitics. Much more complex and fragile. I guess my concern now would be, do I tell future potential partners and when? Although in reality I do not forsee a partner for quite some time!

Spirit x

[Lucky Laser]

In the beginning of our relationship I didn't really tell my husband much because I didn't understand what was going on myself. But he stuck with me as I figured it out (and still am figuring it out). Sometimes I worry a lot that he will resent me for not turning out to be the same woman he fell in love with but he says he loves me even more now that he knows everything about me. Its hard, but I have to trust him in that.

I ask him sometimes now how much he wants to hear before I unload. Other times I give him the option by using e-mail and putting a disclaimer ahead of the tough stuff. That way he doesn't have to read it until he is feeling up to it.

I try to gauge his stress levels too and not unload too much when I know that he is feeling down or depressed. But ultimately he has always wanted to hear everything I have to say and I can't think of anything that I couldn't tell him. We figure that the more we both know (since I'm just starting with the therapy there is a lot that I am learning about myself too) the better we can work at it together. He can handle me better and I can be stronger for him when he needs that.

[pandora]

This post has really opened my eyes and was very helpful and insitefull...VERY

[Roo]

How much do I share of my experiences with PTSD...I was initially wary of sharing with my husband -- even though he's had military/combat experience. Maybe I didn't want to trigger anything in him...but through this current downswing, I'm opening the whole book (so to speak) to him. He tends to get very quiet and he listens deeply (even as he's said that sometimes he wants to close himself off because it hurts his heart to hear some things); sometimes he weeps at what I tell him; always he attends and loves me.

I have a very few intimate friends with whom I share as well...and one relative who knows a fair bit.

I'm very discerning about who I choose to reveal this aspect of my life to. Of course, there are the necessary ones, like my doctor, and soon, an insurance adjuster (I am in the process of applying for a long-term medical leave from my work -- have been away from there since late January).

[sunnydaze]

I do not tell my husband when I am having an episode but I know he knows. I don't talk much about it due to he is a sufferer of PTSD himself since his son was murdered. He also has issues from his past of abuse but just told me it happened but no details. I have not pushed it.
He knows most of my past and feels bad for me and agrees I have had enough of traumas for a lifetime. I told him alot when we first met so there were no surprises afterward.
sunnydaze

[insomniakat]

I know what you mean, but hell if I know the answer. I've been dating a girl for a year and a half, and she knows some of my crap, but not all. But it's so obvious that I know she's picked up on what I didn't tell her. It would be weird to talk to her about it after all this time and if she wanted to know details, she would have asked. It's not that I don't trust her, I just think it would be awkward. I'd tell her if she asked.

Prolly. :think:

I dated a guy years ago (who is still my best friend) and when I told him, he cried. A lot. I hated that. He seemed more upset than I did. Maybe I think my gf would get upset.

Anyway...it all seems so very awkward.

[Murphy's Law]

Hi Auburngirl

I was married for 5 years when I went through my trauma. My husband seen the old me, the trauma, and the new me. He was there for the first few months after, and for the PTSD diagnosis, but had to leave before a year was out.

If there is anything I can pass on to you, it is to be honest. I wasnt, I didnt share anything, and it really makes any space between you bigger. I dont mean you spill all your emotions, or even tell him what happened until you trust him, but he does need to know what he is getting into. For example, I have this speech I gave my boyfriend now about having issues from a past trauma, how everybody reacts differently but I struggle with.... It could have made 'em run, but it helped build the trust and acceptance between us.

As far as literature, the best I have seen is right here in this forum. It takes a while to get through it all, but it is worth it. I havent actually given my boyfriend any of that, I was worried it would confuse my issue with general issues of PTSD. But he has come to see my T, a couple months after we met, and my T was able to explain my patterns and help us find a way to communicate those. That was a GREAT experience for both of us. (he was hesitant to go, scared of 'head shrinks', but admits it helped us)

[Monarch]

I do not share the details with my husband, he knows the overall issue but never the details, I think it would make him uncomfortable. The only person I truly share the details with is my therapist.

[awedding]

Hi Auburn Girl,
I've struggled on and off with what, how, and when to tell my significant other. When I initially told him, we were in our therapist's office. Later on, I went through websites and bookmarked them for him to read when he felt ready. It took several months for him to do so, but it helps to know that I am no longer as alone as I thought I once was. Take care, awedding