Questions To Be Asked Of Ourselves

[Nicolette]

The quote below is from a post in Introductions where there is discussion about boyfriends/partners with PTSD not being available. It seems to be a common theme.
I, too, have questioned why I am attracted to persons who are damaged, and have yet to figure it out. But, the first step is to start looking out for yourself.



Daringly I suggest the following points:
I wonder if the "attraction" is more of a "compassion" due to understanding? The more I read here the more I see "Carers" divulge that they themselves have suffered some types of abuse.
Is it easier to focus our energy on "helping" someone else as that provides an excuse not to look within?
Do "Carers" expect more of themselves that what they do of the people in their lives? I ask this as so often I read the excuses made for the bad behaviour of the other person involved with the Carer.
There is a difference between being ill and mistreating people. I wonder if some cloud this boundary and allow "bad" behaviour as being symptomatic of being ill with PTSD rather than expecting a minimum level of common decency? PTSD is not an excuse to totally ignore you.
Should a person with PTSD have a responsibility to a relationship just as much as the "well" person? By saying this I mean why is their behaviour more excusable as I am certain if the shoe was on the other foot the PTSD suffer would not want to be in a relationship with someone who is not available.
Do some of us need to go back and revisit the "definition" of a relationship as alot of what is written by Carers of late says to me the scales are tipped very unequally?

[sisu]

Outstanding question...

When I began researching ptsd on this forum and learning more about where my boyfriend was coming from and about his behaviors, I began learning more about myself. It kinda surprised me really. I am normally an extremely positive person....one of those people who probably piss off those who are not always happy. If for some reason I am not smiling or joking, people ask what is wrong. When there is actually something wrong....most people don't know what to do because I am always the fixer....not the one needing fixing...

Anyway, I don't know if it is that I am attracted to "broken" men or that I just don't see the red flags. I tend to look through rose colored glasses and try to see the best in people. And along with that, I don't like to give up on people. I treasure the people in my life and I never want to let them go out of my life. I wasn't ever abandoned so I am not sure why I do that. I am NEVER the one to break up with someone....I am always the one that gets dumped. I can always see the light at the end of the tunnel and I always believe there is a solution to every problem. Maybe I need a little more pessimism in my life. Can one have too positive an outlook on life?

It has nothing to do with lack of pride or self doubt. I know that I can meet someone else. It is just that I really like/love the people in my life. They are there for a reason....and I want them to stay there.

As I read over this post....maybe its me that holds on too tight?? I didn't think that I did....and I don't when things are fine. But when they go bad, I am back in action...trying to fix whatever is wrong.

Sisu :dontknow:

[pandora]

That is me always trying to be the carer...my last intimate relationships....I was always the one listening....mabe the next person can share more and I can let someone all the way in and not focus on their problems while trying to pretend I am so confident.....it always happen that I eventually fall apart. My past haunted me for years but I am a stuffer. It is hard to know when is too soon to open up......scared the last two off......one before that.....didn't know how to let him love me.

[Cowgirl]

As I read over this post....maybe its me that holds on too tight?? I didn't think that I did....and I don't when things are fine. But when they go bad, I am back in action...trying to fix whatever is wrong.

Sisu :dontknow:

Sometimes at the beginning of a relationship there are red flags that we just don't see because, as you said, we are looking through rose colored glasses. We see all of the positive things, and that little flash of red is something we miss. At the beginning, the other person is in that flush of new romance too, and so they are not waving their red flags about wildly, either. I've been there a few times. :rolleyes:

It is only later in a relationship when we let it all hang out. And that is when the red flags become more noticeable. It is only then that you can really weigh the good and the bad and determine if the relationship is going to work for you long term or not.

I'm not perfect either. I suppose that for some people I would have red flags. I have PMS (Lord knows I do). I can be a terrible procrastinator. I am not the most organized person in the world. Perfectionists are driven batty by me. So, I'm sure that people who have been in relationships with me have weighed out my faults in the same way I'm describing here.

When you reach that phase in the relationship, you have to do some serious soul searching sometimes. You remember all of the really good things about the person, but now you are confronting that elephant in the living room that you once thought was merely a dust bunny. No, now it is a larger, more obvious, more imposing problem, and one not easily remedied.

In the case of PTSD, it is likely a life long thing - you aren't going to fix it, so can you learn to cope with it? Is your partner doing things to try to cope with it that aren't destructive to you?

Can you live with that? Do you still get enough out of the relationship that you can tolerate that elephant? Can you set boundaries so that the elephant does not create such a problem for you? Or must you acknowledge that despite all the wonderful qualities that attracted you to the other person, that elephant makes them incompatible with you for a life partner?

Ending a romantic relationship because it does not work for you does not necessarily mean that you can never be friends with them again, although it often means that. But ultimately, you must weigh what you must contend with in the relationship vs. what you get from the relationship. And that may mean ending the relationship. You are not a bad person if you come to the conclusion that it was not right for you after all. You are making an intelligent and mature decision. And ultimately, a loving decision - there is nothing loving about sticking it out with someone who makes you miserable, as they will be miserable too.

If you stay, you must learn to set and enforce boundaries so that you can live with this person. The relationship should enhance your life, not make you miserable.

Just some thoughts on this rainy day,

Cowgirl

[Awakening]

Bravo Nicolette!

Excellent post, and I'm compelled to respond with a my story.

Prior to PTSD hitting me over the head, I was a Carer, not of someone with PTSD, but a number of relatives fell ill at the same time in a relatively short period 2 -3 years. I was caring for severe Bipolar, Borderline Personality Disorder, an ice addict & another very sick with cancer.

But even prior to this obvious 'caring' role, I think I was a "Carer personality". I use to 'attract' very needy people. If someone had a problem they would come to me. I use to jokingly get emails from friends, colleagues with Dear Therapist...I would have clients, hairdressers, strangers, friends, shop clerks bursting into tears & telling me their stories.

A friend of mine who was doing her masters in psychology asked me once 'why do you enable people's dependancy?'. I was really quite offended and a bit confused by what she meant.

Before my breakdown, I was diagnosed with a non life threatening medical condition, which affects my ability to have children. And I couldn't cope with being the 'sick' one. This is when things really started to unravel with me psychologically, I became depressed, couldn't acknowledge the depression and that it turned caused me to spiral further and further down. Then I started to panic - who on earth was I becoming? Then my family & friends started to panic - who is this person, this is not like her etc.

I really felt like a failure, for having ill health. I didn't realise how much being a 'carer' was wrapped up in my identity. To the point where I though if I can't be a carer is my life worth living? If I'm not a carer then who the hell am I?

About a year into therapy with my second therapist, we talked about this. And she said it's not uncommon for this to occur. That people can be the Carer because 'whilst you were so busy worrying about others problems it meant you didn't have to look at your own'. Those words rang so true for me. I was distracted by others so I could ignore the unease within me.

Finally, I don't believe that bad behaviour should be excused because someone has PTSD/Bipolar/Cancer, that's a cop out. It may however explain why someone is behaving badly, it may help to understand it's not personal. But the boundary should still be maintained regardless of the why. Some leeway when someone is sick i.e. they are a bit grumpy or snappish but if it's prolonged or becoming abusive well that's simply not okay and it needs to be addressed.

[Langdon]

This is an excellent topic!

I think it would be a great topic for a FAQ - maybe under "dating relationships and PTSD" or something to that effect. Distill the best ideas of those who post into some general guides for folks who find themselves trying to figure out what to do when they find their boyfriend or girlfriend has PTSD.

[upstream]

With me, I have discovered an interesting pattern. I felt most comfortable with women who had similar character as my mother, and who treated me like my mother did. I also chose male friends who have similar character as my father, and treated me like my father does. The one exception was a girl who went through a similar childhood to my own, and who I thought reminded me of myself.

So if I continue to gravitate towards women who treat me like my mother, and men who treat me like my father, then I am surely doomed to a life of mistreatment. Fortunately the pattern seems to have changed for the better these past few months, I'm guessing because I've been working so hard to address my issues with the way I was treated by them.

[Cindy]

I would always seek what I was familiar with and new what was expected of me. I repeated many times abuse situations because I didn't know it wasn't normal. In therapy it was pointed out to me, I found it so hard to comprehend because I never realized there was another way.

I tend to respond in relationships with the behavior that will cause the least waves and fix the problems regardless of what I personally have to sacrifice. It is very hard for me to take anything from anyone.

I have not pursued any type of relationship other than friends for this reason. I don't trust my judgement or my ability to set boundaries and maintain them.

[pandora]

Cindy...I could have written your last post. I did know another way but was so beaten down I allowed more.

I absolutely do not do that anymore, avoiding men and I think maybe girls for a while.

[Nicolette]

I don't trust my judgement or my ability to set boundaries and maintain them.

I absolutely do not do that anymore, avoiding men and I think maybe girls for a while.

May I point out that while both of you think you do not have the ability to make the best choices when it comes to relationships, you have both been responsible and made a judgement that you can't make such a decision at present. That is something to be proud of. Rather than put yourselves back in to abusive situations you have chosen not to be in any. Fantastic starting point if you ask me - you realise there is a problem and you are doing something about it. In time you will learn to trust yourselves and may move more towards a relationship with others. Progress is good and you have both done that in realising the problem. Well done! :thumbs-up

[pandora]

Thank you Nicolette...a much better perspective.