What is Emotional Abuse

[Awakening]

I know this sounds suspicious but I really am asking on behalf of a friend of mine.

She has been with her husband for 10 years. He is very devoted, gorgeous guy. They have always appeared very much in love.

Lately she has mentioned things that I kind of wonder about.

Comments like;

- sometimes his a bit controlling
- his "Himself" 90% of the time but there is this other 10%, like a Jekyll & Hyde
- he admits he sometimes has a problem with anger
- he has thrown things at me, but in ten years it's only happened like 3 times and he didn't mean to throw it at me (and on questioning further) he didn't aim it at me
- sometimes when holding me or mucking around he hurts me, I ask him to let go but he holds on that bit longer and sometimes I have to ask again before he will let go
- when we argue he calls me a "F**king idiot"
- he can be very critical, tells me what to do all the time, belittles me
- his never hit me or anything but sometimes his anger is a bit intimidating
- if I don't do what he asks sometimes he jokes that he will find someone else
- sometimes doesn't want to hear about my emotional problems

What do you all think of this? These are the comments I've heard over the past two years. He is a lovely guy, not just my opinion but widespread. Even she says his great; helps with the housework, always telling her he loves her, affectionate, gentle. Seems respectful of women.

She has had depression, and can be a pretty neurotic, anxious type.

I'm reluctant to get involved but curious as I'm not sure what my opinion is on this, and whether I'm being triggered by 'normal' couple stuff or not.

Like I said it's only the odd comment now and again, mostly the seem the 'perfect' couple. Am I being paranoid or is there reason for concern here?

[Murphy's Law]

BIG red flags. At the very least, go visit a group meeting where people talk about abuse. Both emotional and physical, cause it sounds like it could be both. Talk to people who have been there. I think you will find many similarities in what is being said.
Don't make a snap judgement either. Get all the info, and then talk to your "friend". Don't corner her, give her options and the knowledge that if she needs help, you can be it. Just open the door for her, don't push. The knowledge that someone is there is more valuable than you could know.

[2quilt]

I would say that's verbal abuse and emotional abuse.

When my husband does something dumb, I call him "doodoo head" in front of children, or "dildo" when we are alone, but I am making fun of him and we are both laughing and tickling each other. Calling your partner something more cruel and doing the other stuff you mentioned sounds like he is going down the road of true physical abuse. If he did that to me I would be scared because he does not treat me with respect. I think his actions are warning signs.

Husband gets food on his clothes when he eats, so I say, with regularity,"First day with a new mouth?"
Some may say that's a put down. Nothing bad between us, but it might be for two other people.

Yesterday he got me mixed up with a woman he dated 14 years ago. He swore it was me he took to a anime festival. It really was some woman who does not look anything like me at all. So I teased him about his age and getting alzheimers and how typical of men to mix up women they have been with because we all look alike in the dark (grin), and oh by the way don't you ever call me by the wrong name, etc. I don't think we were harming our relationship.

We wrestle, but if he hurts me, and I say OUCH, he releases me instantly. Not doing so I would consider the begining of harm and controlling behavior.

[dlross]

I agree with 2quilt 100%. Which raises the more difficult question, which I have been confronted with in the not too distant past: "What do I as a friend do about this?" I wobbled back and forth between 'none of my business' and 'I have to get her out of there'. In the end it seemed listening to what she was saying and asking how this affected her were the best I could do. When she began to talk about needing to get out of a worsening situation, I did feel a bit more free to point out that the pattern of behaviour was classic in terms of abusive relationships. But beyond that all I felt I could do was offer any kind of support she might need or want from me.

[Cowgirl]

I agree with both comments so far. People who are abusive are often not 100% bad actors, and they can be wonderful and charming when they aren't being abusive. In fact, one reason why battered women STAY in relationships is that he is Mr. Wonderful when he isn't beating her. He says he's sorry, he swoops into a honeymoon phase to woo her back, he makes all sorts of promises that he will change and he will never do that again. And then he beats her again. They are often described as Dr. Jekyll & Mr. Hyde. While this guy isn't beating your friend or threatening to kill her, he is abusing her.

As for what to do as a friend, just listening is wonderful. So often, people in controlling relationships end up cut off from all friends. This guy sounds borderline. He's "just" into controlling and verbal abuse. That is harmful to the recipient nonetheless, although she might never end up in a hospital ER with a re-arranged face. She could benefit from gentle encouragement to learn to be more assertive of her rights.

Cowgirl

[Cindy]

If you had to describe my early marriage this was it. I stayed, not realizing it was abuse, I knew no different. It got worse. At the end, he controlled all money, all interaction with friends, physically hit me and threatened me, and had 3 affairs one with an STD. Ofcourse, the affairs were my fault because I wasn't adequate - according to him.

Everything you mentioned was there and progressed to life threatening by the time I was willing to leave, what appeared to be, the perfect marriage.

[2quilt]

I keep thinking of the Julia Roberts movie, Sleeping with the Enemy.
Evidently, we get the idea that the husband was irresistible at first, before he became 100% controlling over her life. She had to take swimming lessons in secret, squirrel away money by the littles and hide it to have some for herself when she escaped from him, lie and tell him that her mamma had died, she had to plan and pretend her own death just to get away from that monster.

I also have a friend whose boyfriend is verbally and emotionally abusive, and I have listened patiently, wobbling back and forth between telling her in no uncertain terms to dump him before he hits her, to telling myself, "2quilt, stop giving her unsolicited advice! Especially when she is older than I am, has had 3 children, 3 husbands and lots more life experience than I have had. Who am I to dole out life advice to her."

Sigh.

Sometimes I want to tell her, "I care about what happens to you, and I see alarms going off when he speaks to you disrespectfully. How would you feel if I said those things to you? How about if the checkout cashier said those things? What would you do? Don't tolerate disrespect from anyone, especially your partner!" (I want to say don't be a doormat, but that is insulting.) I would say, it makes me feel bad when I hear that he is speaking to you like something on the bottom of his shoe. Tell her that she is valuable and that it bothers you to know that he does not treat her right. Say that it's hard to see her in emotional pain, and you don't want this to go on and become physical pain.

There goes the unsolicited advice again. I can't help myself. I can't sit by and watch a train wreck. I voice my opinion, even when it's not wanted.

My friend does not want to be alone; she likes to have a boyfriend. I want to tell her than being treated badly makes her self esteem suffer, so having a bad boyfriend is NOT better than not having one at all. Unload the dead weight.

[tude]

Hmm, I am inclined to mind my own business.

Hearing only one side and version of the story, biases my opinion. That is, if my opinion is even asked for! There is the possibilty that sharing your opinion may damage your relationship with your friend. Maybe, they can't handle the truth and reject you and your opinion even if they ask for it.

I have minded my own business regarding a friend's relationship. We discussed the value in being honest vs. not getting involved. Since then our frienship has evolved. Recently, I was more comfortable being honest knowing how he felt about it. He ended the relationship he was in. He expressed how much he appreciated me and my friendship. However, I wouldn't have said anything if it wasn't for the discussion we had before though.

Awakening, life and people are tricky sometimes aren't they?

Thankful that I don't have much experience with this,
tude

[pandora]

I have, I know a lot about it and have done my own personal research....i know what I am talking about but I am too tired...I'll revisit this later.

[Cindy]

This is tough. I really can't say that I would have been receptive to advice at the time. I didn't see anything wrong with this treatment. I thought this was how marriages worked. It was the only way I had ever been treated in relationships. I didn't understand that I was part of the equation in the treatment and accepted it. Because of my early abuse circumstances and mortal threats I never stood up to anyone who threatened me in any way.

Standing up to someone takes major confidence and a risk or willingness to lose it all. That can be really scary for financial reasons and personal safety. If you include a child the stakes are quadrupled.

It comes down to I think, the personal support the person has at the time and their willingness to believe in the unbiased truth. Recognizing their part and willing to turn away from what is known and comfortable (even if it is abusive) and strike out on their own - alone again.

Giving advice takes a real risk. If you do, you may alienate the person and lose an opportunity for support you may give. What you say, if heard, will cause pain to the person recieving the advice. If I were in this position today I think I would connect the person with an intervention service for the initial break from the abuse so I could be available in the aftermath. OR I would offer educational materials to the victom illustrating types of abuse and typical methods of abuse for the victom to identify with and then connect them with a resource (person) who could help them out of it. They need to see it is not you specifically recognizing the pattern but it is a well known cycle and many professionals recognize it without any malice towards the abuser but the process of abuse. It takes the personal aspects out of the loop not making the victom identify with the abuser in a defense mode in any way which will only cloud the issue even more.

[Awakening]

Hi everyone, thanks so much for all your help but I fear I may have over reacted.

I spoke to my friend, and she laughed and said "Christ, if ever hit me I'd punch him back!". And reckons there is no way known she'd stick around.

They do seem to be a perfectly normal well adjusted couple. From what I've seen he treats her well and she confirms this. She said it happens so rarely (generally when he is under stress) that she almost can't believe it it's him, and then it's such a long time before the next incident.

We talked about her passing comments she's made and how it concerned me, and she agreed it's not acceptable - but she's never told him this!? Strange for someone who otherwise can be assertive if the need calls for it. We agreed that's the first step - to discuss it with him, rather then just take it. Or to risk it escalating (she doesn't think it is, she's just gotten tired of it, and realised it's not okay).

If it's something that's she's not able to resolve she's going to seek therapy/marriage counselling.

But I'm totally confident she's in no physical danger, hopefully it's something that can be resolved as otherwise she tells me they are very much in love.

[upstream]

Part of me agrees with tude, being removed from the situation and on this side of a game of telephone I wonder if I should mind my own business.

Part of me wonders which of her conversations I should be more inclined to take seriously. I have been in love with someone who didn't treat me right, and I defended her in regards to this while I was still involved with her.

I hope everything works out for her.