Trying Not Taking It Personally - Not Always Succeeding

[Cowgirl]

My ability to not take things personally varies from day to day. Intellectually, I know that I am not causing him to be angry nor am I causing any of his other PTSD symptoms. Some days I do fine when he starts stewing and I can even re-direct him. Other days it hits me directly, emotionally.

Like Friday. I was looking forward to getting home, to have the evening with him. We'd talked earlier in the day about enjoyable things we might do together in the evening.

I got home and he was in a simmering state, having been through some frustrations. Lately he cannot handle much frustration at all. He's been having a rough time of it lately - nightmares, simmering anger, etc. I tried re-directing, but it didn't work and he snapped at me.

I knew he wasn't angry at ME, but it got me nonetheless. I left to go pick up a pizza, and I was feeling very upset now too. I got home, and he'd re-directed himself, and he was in a brighter mood. He apologized and asked if we could start the evening over again.

But somehow I could not pull myself back up, and I felt very defensive, cautious, and mostly wanting to be alone to read. I just didn't want to deal with anymore for the evening.

I guess it was an over-load reaction on my part. Plus, I was disappointed. And, I felt hurt, even though I knew on an intellectual level that it wasn't about me at all - I still felt hurt. I wish I'd been able to roll with it, but somehow I just didn't have the reserves to do so.

*sigh*

Anyhow, I am just trying to chill out and recuperate a bit this weekend on an emotional level, so that my reserves will build back up a bit.

Cowgirl

[Nicolette]

I guess it was an over-load reaction on my part.

Oh Cowgirl, I don't think your reaction was overloaded....it's the old roller coaster ride and sometimes you just can't keep going up and down :Hug_emoticon:

And, I felt hurt, even though I knew on an intellectual level that it wasn't about me at all - I still felt hurt.

Your feelings are justifiable Cowgirl. Also, your feelings count too! Being able to intellectualise something does not mean that it is ok if it hurts your heart/feelings. It is easy to rationalise your boyfriend's behaviour due to PTSD and while intellectually it all adds up, it doesn't mean the PTSD behaviour hurts any less or is any less personal. I am sure you could also intellectualise the other side whereas you would think, that of all the people he would be nice to, it would be to you first. You come home looking forward to seeing your boyfriend and you don't get a positive response....anyone would be on the back foot if that happened; PTSD aside.

I hope things are better for you both now. Sometimes it takes us different times to come back from emotional hurt than others. From what I understand it is more likely to be the PTSD suffer who takes longer to bounce back, as they take longer to process the situation than someone who is well, but it is absolutely normal for you to have times where it takes you longer to process the hurt.

Oh, I did also want to mention the abuse cycle here too. Be careful of being mistreated and then excusing it by finding an intellectual reason to rationalise what has happened even though is it hurtful. Example being, a parent mistreats a child and in order to cope the child either rationalises they must have been bad (shifts the blame onto themselves) or finds a reason why the parent mistreated them (does not hold the parent accountable for their actions).....in both instances the parent is relieved of their responsibility. The parent then does it again and again with no consequence, saying sorry to the child each time afterwards due to guilt and so the cycle continues. I am not saying this is your situation Cowgirl but felt it relevant to note to others who may be reading this.

[Cindy]

Cowgirl, this also illustrates why all people involved on both sides of the fence need to take time for themselves in order to stock up the energy for the next wave. It is so important for all of us to recognize when we need our breaks for rejuvination. The most significant remark was that you recognized your need and took care of it without inflicting more fuel on the fire.

Great Job!

I think the hardest part of your evening was the let down of your expectations which were justified based on the earlier phone call. Once he learns to manage his frustrations differently you both will have a smoother ride.

[upstream]

Um... I had a few things to say but I think Nicolette covered it and then some. There are things in life that should be taken personally.

I used to do something similar; I would blame myself when others mistreated me. I hope you're not beating yourself up too hard over this.

[Lucky Laser]

I just want to say that I really appreciate the honesty what you wrote Cowgirl. I have done the same thing to my husband... talking about how much fun we're going to have and then once we go out something triggers me and he has to take care of me which tires him out. And part of my learning process is understanding that he needs a break too and if I change his expectations for the day I can't expect him to always feel 100% understanding even if he knows what's going on intellectually. No, your reaction was NOT overloaded at all. When you care, its definitely not easy, and I commend you for being honest and sticking by your guy's side.

[Cowgirl]

Thank you all.

When I say "over-load" I was more referring to the feeling of being over-loaded. There's been too much anger lately, and I simply could not make that transition again at that moment. Does that make sense?

So, feeling that way, my reaction was to simply want to be alone and read - I just couldn't shrug it off and roll with another swift change. I took some time to be alone this weekend, to work on a project, and to find my center again. There is nothing like working in the rain, repairing a fence, to connect you with the here and now. The horses were entertained by my efforts also. :)

I don't blame myself. His PTSD isn't my fault, nor due to anything I did. All I can do is to try to support him as best I can. Sometimes my best is better than other times, though! LOL! I'm no Mother Theresa, and sometimes I have moments of just wanting to throw up my hands and go read a book or go for a ride or take a really long hike with a dog. Other times, I deal with it all much better.

Normally, I leave when he's angry, if possible. It just works better for us. But normally, when he feels better, I'm ready. Sometimes, though, like this time, I just had reached a threshold level that required some alone time on my part.

Thanks for letting me vent.

Cowgirl

[Cindy]

anytime!

Cindy

[Wishmaster]

I know exactly what you are talking about. Lucky and I can plan a fun trip to a gaming store (I like older games, it's a hobby/obsession of mine), something will trigger her at either the store before leaving town, or at the bookstore, and we can get into an argument and we spend the next hour or two cooling off. I know that she says things because she is scared or upset, and we know each other enough to know where each others buttons are. When she is scared, she hits them, and that only makes the argument worse. I know she doesn't do it on purpose, I know she doesn't mean it, I just have a fire to my personality and I take things personally. I have a slight weight problem, and she will just blast out "You are nothing more than a fat f**ker" and since that is a sensitive thing, and with my fire, I say something equally stupid and things spiral out of control. After we calm down, we spend about 30 minutes or so making sure that the things that were said were said in anger, then we move on. Our egos are bruised, but we make the best of it.

I will admit that I have flown off the handle my fair share of times because something that Lucky says just goes straight to the bone, but I just remind myself that she can't control it and then I do what I can to calm her down.

[Cowgirl]

Wishmaster,

You mention when she is scared - boy, does that resonate! I think one of the biggest drivers of my DH's is FEAR. When I get upset with him sometimes, I stop and think and try to step back and LOOK at what he is saying, what he is doing, and what vibes I'm feeling from him. And ... invariably it is FEAR more than anything else, I think. He won't talk much about what happened, but it was a series of horrific combat type events, apparently. That must have made him feel incredible fear. They say PTSD is a fight or flight response that sticks, in essence. That certainly fits what I see. He is angry, yes, but beneath that layer is fear, I think.

My DH also pushes my buttons when he rages. That is one big reason why I generally leave him alone to simmer down. It won't help matters if I stick around and fight, as we'd be fighting, ultimately, about things which aren't worth fighting about (the Post Office is closed, etc.). The issue I am still working on is how to deal with it effectively when I CANNOT leave him alone, as we are in town shopping, etc.

Setting effective boundaries is a creative challenge, it seems!

Cowgirl

[Lucky Laser]

Sometimes for me, when I am experiencing the fear and Wishmaster is upset by it, I hear it in his voice and it unfortunately can make the fear worse... and that adds frustration because I know that I am hurting him. At first he didn't quite understand the meaning of "Please back away from me because I'm afraid I'll hit you!" He saw me scared and his first instinct was to hold me, so "Ahhh!!! Ahhh!!! get away from me!" sounded more like an attack to him. I was just trying to protect myself... and that rational part still left in the back of my brain tries to protect him.

In town shopping is probably one of the hardest places for us... there lie the most triggers and the most shattered expectations (shopping is supposed to be fun!).

When I push the buttons, its not even really Wishmaster I see... him, or anything else, just becomes a room full of targets and anything that moves is gonna get it. I compare the feeling to a hurt animal stuck in a trap that just lashes out at everything, including the one trying to help it. All the while something is screaming in the back of my head that I don't mean any of it.

But we all keep working at it! :crazy:

[Wishmaster]

When Lucky and I are out in public and something is a slight trigger, I get a squeezing of the arm/hand and I look at her, give her a kiss, tell her that I love her and only her, and if things are getting too bad we leave. It's no big deal. Sometimes we do need time to ourselves, and we call this "taking an out". We announce "I'm taking an out and doing X" and it usually involves her taking a short drive, or I take a short walk. It usually helps.

We have known each other for about 4 years, and we have grown really close. Things were rough in the beginning, and there are still days where they aren't at their best, but we know that it will blow over and we will be back to being happy once again.