What's in a Name?

[She Cat]

Ok so some of you that have been here awhile know that my daughter and I had a horrible argument 5 yrs ago. We haven't spoken since. I apologized right after the fight, and offered therapy to solve issues, but she has never responded. She has also stopped me from ever seeing my grandchildren either. Next week is the youngest birthday, he will be 15. OMG!!!!

Anyway about a half hour ago my phone rang and when I said hello, the other person said "Hi Mom." It was a wrong number........I haven't been called mom in 5 yrs and it has triggered me so bad. I am crying, and want so much to see them. This is ripping my heart out. God how I wish I could go back and re-do my life and hers. How i wish i could change things. God this sucks.....


Sorry just needed to vent....

[morgan]

Wendy, I'm so sorry to hear that. My mom and I had major issues for a long time too. Now I live with her and if it wasn't for her I'd be dead or on the streets right now. I'm just trying to say don't lose hope. It's possible that it might get better. I sincerely hope it does. I really do.

Take care of yourself and cry all you need to. We are all here to listen.

[Cowgirl]

Sometimes in order to mend a rift, one person has to be the brave one, the one to take a risk, the one to reach out and say "I love you." Perhaps you could take that wrong number and your reaction to it as a sign that you should contact your daughter and tell her that you love her. Perhaps she would not be open to mending the rift. If not, what have you lost? Nothing, as the relationship really can't get worse, right? But if she is open to mending the rift, then you may regain a daughter.

Or, perhaps you should call your grandkids.

Or, perhaps you should send a letter and card to your grandson.

Just a couple of thoughts for you to kick around.

Hugs,

Cowgirl

[linasmom]

Hi Wendy,

I'm so sorry that you're feeling so sad right now. I'm bad at advice, but I would let myself feel the sadness, and maybe when the time is right (not now!) call your daughter or write her a letter. You know that you can't go back and change anything, but you can change or at least make an effort to have the future be something different.

Thinking of you today.

Hugs,
Rachel

[nic]

Hey Wendy,

I know there's no easy solution to this, but heck, I'm going to try to come up with some possibilities.

First off, I do think you should contact your daughter. I can tell you want to, and while it won't be easy, the longer you wait, the harder it's going to get.

What about writng down a conversation you would like to have with your daughter? Write it out a few times, and try to have one be the optimistic version, and the other, well, what you hope not to have happen. At least then you can prepare for all types of reactions, and if she doesn't react well, you can already have planned what to say.

Do you have her e-mail? Address? While I do think talking is the best way to handle this, if you're afraid of being shut out, perhaps a long letter that she can read and re-read will give her time to think things over a bit more.

I don't know what else to say...I really wish for the best. You can't change what happened the past between you, but just don't give up on having some sort of relationship in the future.

Best,
Nic

[She Cat]

Thanks guys,


Anthony has actually suggested that i "Be the real adult" and contact my daughter. This is something I still struggle with. There are many reasons I haven't as of yet.

1) This is between myself and my daughter. But I have the type of family that tend to get involved. They are my abusers, and I have cut all contact. My daughter is involved with them very much. So the crap will start. I don't need it in my life.

2) We BOTH said some pretty horrid things to each other. I have apologized. She NEVER apologizes for anything. Is saying I'm sorry and meaning it such a hard thing to expect???? Yes I do expect and want an apology.

3) She TOLD me to NEVER contact her again, and I would NEVER see my grandkids. I am trying to respect her boundaries.

4) I DO NOT do rejection at all. I spiral out of control and become suicidal. I don't need anymore depression right now.

I feel like I am between a rock and a hard place. I suffer, she goes on with live. I just exist, she enjoys life, and what it has to offer. Yes I am angry with her too, for taking away my grandkids. She could have been pissed at me, but she destroyed a relationship and denied the boys their grandmother. It was very unfair of her to do this, and immature also. The kids did NOTHING to deserve having me out of their lives.

[nic]

Ok, here's what I think. I think you should write her a letter...just saying how you feel..being the "adult" and taking full responsibility, (even if it was 50/50). In the letter, don't push the whole "let's get together" thing too much, and tell her that you do respect her boundaries. And, the tough thing: don't expect a response. I know this is difficult, but that way if a response comes, it will be a great way to start moving forward. If it doesn't, everything remains status quo.

Now this is JMO; I obviously don't know the whole background. But, I do know how much you love your daughter and those grandkids, so, just maybe taking the chance is worth it.

And...if it doesn't work out, that DOESN'T mean that it never will. Everyone struggles with their own issues, and it takes us all different amounts of time to heal. Maybe your daughter still isn't ready, but that doens't mean that there isn't hope for the future.

[pandora]

Oh She...I am so sorry you are having to deal with this. I don't really have advice but as a daughter with a mother that will not try, will not acknowledge....I see your willingness and openness and it breaks my heart because I would give anything to have a mother like you. OK...you might have made mistakes but look at how much work you have put into your own healing and helping others......I would be proud to have you for a Mom........

[Monarch]

I would write her a letter or email if you can find her address, give the power to her though and let her contact you back. I know that is hard, it would drive me crazy to wait. It doesn't mean you can't keep writing her though, just make sure when you write her, this is very important, don't use " you" only use "I" statements. Don't make this about her, if you forgive her for the shit she has said to you then start clean and say " I am sorry" plain and simple. Don't get into the problem, call it the past and you want to move forward with her and the kids in your life, no rehashing the past.

Just my opinion.

Monica

[upstream]

She Cat,

If the youngest is 15, is there one that is 18 or older? I don't think your daughter has a right to stop you from seeing anyone that she's not legally responsible for.

Perhaps you could write to your grandchildren, and still maintain the boundaries you need with your daughter.

I'm sorry about your situation, and I hope everything works out.

[She Cat]

I truly do appreciate the replies, and the advice that all of you have given.

The problem is.....None of you can possibly understand the pain, the emotional upheaval, the fear, the panic, the guilt, the frustration,the ache deep withing my heart that I feel. UNLESS you have children/grandchildren that have been taken away from you/don't speak to you then you can not possibly understand what a person goes through.

I can't tell you the thoughts that go through my head in the course of the day. I can't possibly convey the love that I have in my heart with NO WHERE to place it. Everyday that goes by is ONE more day that my grandchildren grow and I have not been able to witness their growth, their changing, their lives. I have not seen them in 5 yrs, I don't even know what they LOOK like anymore. They were small children and now are almost adults.

Please....I'm sorry I started this thread. I was venting. I know that all of you just wanted to help, but the bottom line is you can't, you don't have a clue as to what I go through. Unless you have been in my shoes and walked the path that I walk everyday, then you can't possibly understand the pain that I have as a parent/grandparent that has been denied the right to love and be loved.

When a parent has been denied their children the pain is like no other pain in the world. It hurts to the core of your being. I can't even verbalize the pain, there are no ****ing words to tell all of you the pain in my heart.

[pandora]

She...I can only relate in his way. When my Dad died my Mom wouldn't let me see my dads sisters or their families or my grandparents for a number of years...I was too young to fight back....all of them gone in one day so i missed growing up with my family and was not allowed to see them...long story short.....I know it is different than a mother/daughter bond but in my case my whole family was taken too so i understand that deep, dark, beeding heart, empty feeling. I was a child denied an entire extended family...granparents too.

[nic]

Wendy, I can't imagine what it is like to be denied those you love. I really wish there was an answer, some way to fix this for you, but I know that it just isn't that easy. PLEASE take care of yourself. You're in my thoughts and prayers.

Nic

[linasmom]

Wendy,

You're so right - I have a daughter but she is with me and I find it unimaginable what the pain would feel like if I did not have her with me. I truly hope that you are able to find some sort of resolution because it's very obvious that you are in severe pain.

Again, you're in my thoughts.

Best,
Rachel

[Cindy]

My x's family was dysfunctional. His mother and sister stopped all communication. The grandchildren were also taken away at the time. Well, the sister cut off her whole family from the extended family. The mother continued to send letters, occasion cards, estate money with no replies. The checks were cashed but no information about its use. The grandchildren who were cut off at 10 and 12 regained communication and bonds with their grandmother and uncle (my x) once they were away at college. This had to be so difficult for them because it was against their mother's wishes and they could have gotten a lot of repercussions. They did it anyway, in spite of the bad mouthing that had occurred by their mother over many years of bitterness. SO HAVE HOPE!!!!

My own daughter and I had a huge falling out from when she was 17 - 21. We are still not on solid ground and continue to struggle to understand one anothers actions and communications. She became very abusive to me when her Father dropped dead suddenly. She refused counselling in any form. Finally we reached a point of (what I thought) no return. I kicked her out for self preservation, physically and emotionally. All I could see is her father replaying through his daughter. Is it in the genes? Anyway, many things were said by her that hurt me to the core and continue to naw at my insides.
Namely, I wasn't emotionally available to her when I was raising her. I had become someone else after she was about 3 or 4. As much as I hate to admit it she was absolutely right. I've had to learn to accept that and recognize I did the best I could at the time with what I did have to offer. She was safe, cared and provided for. She participated in activities that she wished to through my personal sacrifice. It was better than I ever had but it was not perfect. But, is there ever a perfect? I hope that one day she will reflect on all that she had and did and accurately percieve her childhood with both her Dad and I, even if it was in two homes.


SO, Do they return?
Sometimes.
Under what conditions?
Limited or different with new boundaries and rules to follow.
Will you see the grandchildren again?
Maybe
Should you communicate?
Absolutely, but with no expectations


Remember we cannot control other's actions but only our response to theirs.

One last thing, I believe you think her life is a basket of roses, but roses have thorns. It's not all great without you, even if she doesn't realize it.
IMO, try to create a life for yourself in spite of her by keeping your doors open for change and compensating for your loss by other activities. "Adopt" a grandchild, read books in a library to young children, volunteer with some youth organizations - ???. Just some thoughts. I know some kids who would love to hear your stories of growing up in the "old" days - I'm 50 so I join you, they don't know who Gilligan is on Gilligan's Island anymore.

[morgan]

I understand Wendy. I lost a child. I just can't talk about it yet. There is no hope for me. I guess I just wanted to have hope for you.

Sorry, Morgan

[Cowgirl]

She,

You sound like you are in great pain. I am trying to offer you a bit of hope. I am not trying to minimize your pain.

I lost a sister in a horrible way, and that was deeply painful, as she and I were very close. Due to her ex's issues, I then "lost" a nephew. He was completely lost to us, with no contact. I did not even know where he might have ended up. THIRTY YEARS went by, not knowing even if he was alive. There was a hole in our family, a sadness, not knowing what became of my sister's only child.

Then, due to the magic of Google, we found him!

So then what? How on earth to you approach someone you have not seen for THIRTY YEARS? His father (my sister's ex) had ill feelings toward my family. My nephew had not tried to contact any of us. Did he even want to be found? Did he share his father's hatred, or what would he feel? Should I just leave him be, after so many years?

I decided to write him an email. i figured there was little chance I'd ever hear back, but I figured I'd be the grown up and write and let him know that we still love him, think about him, and miss him. And lo and behold, he responded. It took him over a month, but by gosh, he wrote back!!! And he then contacted my parents, who got to learn about their great grandchildren. And then got to SEE their great grandchildren!

So, no. I don't know your pain. I only know my pain. Life is painful for everyone at some point, unless they are truly fortunate or not very sensitive to painful experiences.

All I do is offer a ray of hope, if you are looking for one. If you cannot contact your daughter, you have grandchildren who are old enough to have their own lives now, and who can choose to learn about their long-lost grandmother if they choose. For that to happen, you'll have to set aside your desire for an apology and decide to see what the future holds.

Otherwise, all I can do is offer my condolences for your sorrow.

Best wishes,

Cowgirl

[Cecilia]

She Cat,

What an awful situation. It must be very difficult. I do not have much of a relationship with my mother and I am very guilty. I have not taken my childern to see her in 3 years, but I have kept the door open for her to come to my house anytime.

You could write her a letter and let her know that your door is always open if she or the children would like to visit. Next year your grandson will be old enough to visit you on his own.

It is very sad when families split. My grandmother died without ever mentioning the names of her parents. I am now trying to trace my family roots and I cannot get past my grandparents.

[She Cat]

I have done a lot of thinking and soul searching as of late, and I have decided that I am way to angry at my daughter to even think of trying to talk to her on any level

One thing I NEVER did....Was keep her away from her grandparents when she was little. I think the longest was maybe a week or two do to the fighting, but I never did it longer than that. Even when I wasn't speaking to my mother, my daughter always had her grandparents.

I find my daughters behavior, childish, selfish, self centered, and to be perfectly honest.... She's a little bitch to do this to her children. THEY are innocent and did nothing to deserve this. The argument was between her and I. It did not involve the kids in any way.

Any parent that uses their children to hurt another human being is just plain nasty in my book. Parents that do this shit should be ashamed of themselves.

I can only hope and pray that what goes around, comes around.

[pandora]

Ditto!!!!1 Could not agree more!!!!

[pandora]

I always thought that was the reason for her car accident but who knows.....

[She Cat]

Pand,

What's the car accident about?????

[pandora]

I thought the car accident was....what comes around goes around like she got what she deserved and it might make her look into her life a bit more and realize the good things she has and that we ( her children) were good people. The car accident just made her worse.....that was why I wrote about that.....sorry for the confusion.

[She Cat]

Pand....

She wasn't in a car accident.......I don't understand????

[pandora]

NO.....MY MOTHER...I guess this thread got sidetracked......I am a little pre-occupied...sorry.

[She Cat]

Well, I am so glad we got that straightened out. I was beginning to think I had lost the REST of my mind........LOL!!!!!

[pandora]

Sorry.....mine is going slowly but surely!!!!! ha ha