I'm New To Forums But Hope Someone Can Help

[emylou]

i've been with my partner for 10 years - due to a traumatic childhood and early adult life he was diagnosed before i met him with ptsd
he has never had counselling but over the last month he has agreed that this is what he needs but hasnt actually done anything about it
i take care of all things around the house (work, chores etc..) as any kind of stress seems to 'set it off' - i always try to check with myself before saying or doing anything but sometimes i mess up (ive seen many references to eggshells and can fully identify).
at the time of writing this he is the bedroom, having been holed up in there since sat am - i gave a flippant reply to his comment about the tv being on at 7.30 in the morning.
thats all it took - now all i am getting is one word answers and being told its my fault and look at what ive done to him
i love and care for him so much but really dont know what to do for the best
i apologised but was told that sorry wasnt good enough and that afer 10 years i should know what to do and what not

any help or advice please
i should mention that after looking at the various forum topics i realise that i am not taking care of myself half as well as i should be

[Nicolette]

Welcome Emylou.

It is good to see that you have already been reading the forum and you have identified that you need to take better care of yourself. Making yourself a priority is important.

While you can be respectful that your husband may be more reactive some days than others I do not believe that you should have to do all the accommodating. While I am sure you are sorry for upsetting him I do not believe you should be sorry for having the TV on if that is what you wanted or if having it on was not such an issue to you. From my experience with PTSD, sometimes what is ok one day is not the next depending on how the Sufferer is feeling.

I would think that within your relationships there are some boundaries which you have also set. Sometimes a PTSD Sufferer can take things too far and they need to be held accountable also and not be allowed to control a relationship through their illness.

After 10 years I am sure you have a much better idea of dealing with PTSD than what I do but, from reading what you have written, I don't think you taking on the responsibility of everything so your husband avoids stress is fair on you or possibly even right when dealing with someone with PTSD. PTSD is an illness but each person needs to take responsibility for their own lives. A person with PTSD has to find ways to adjust their lives to minimise stress but I don't think checking out of adult responsibilities is best either.

Please understand that I am only commenting on what you have written as I do not know your full personal situation.

I look forward to speaking with you more as you share your situation and hopefully others here can offer some good suggestions.

[emylou]

Thanks Nicolette - before i sent in my message i spent quite a while reading other carers posts - i for a long time thought that all bad days were completely my fault.
My husband was an alcoholic when i met him - he gave up drinking about 4 years ago and in a way that has helped (no more angry rants at early hours of the morning) but the flip side is that not only is he dealing with the ptsd but also the loss of his security blanket (copious amounts of beer).
On the whole we have a good relationship, but he talks very rarely about his ptsd - i dont know if this is common ?
so instead of talking to me about it and helping me to guage when the stress levels are beginning to rise i have to try and make sure i remain happy, jolly, positive and upbeat all the time (not easy).
any suggestions would be appreciated - the mood today hasnt changed - ive managed to get him to eat something (food is another 'issue' - can go for days eating nothing) but still holed up in the other room
i asked earlier if he thought i was doing the right thing by leaving him on his own - the repsonse was that yet again he had to do all the thinking !?!and said that maybe i should go and stay with my parents
i am sure that i have read on other threads that this isnt a good idea and i have to say i dont want to leave
sorry to everyone if i appear to ramble - ive gone 10 years with this and for the first time ever can talk about it (friends dont seem to understand ptsd)

[rainbogrl4u]

Emylou,
I am so very glad that you have found the courage to share your feelings about this situation with us. I understand all too well what you are going through. I know what it is like to take such good care of someone because they need you too. I know what it is like to feel as if you are responsible for how they feel and if they eat or not. And please, please know that it is not easy nor is it healthy for you. I lived that lifestyle from the time that I was seven until I left home at 18 taking care of my paranoid schizophrenic mother. It was up to me to take care of her and it was expected of me by her family. Really ridiculous to expect a seven year old child to take care of her mother by herself like that...to make her responsible even for her eating. What I am trying to say is that it is not fair to you Emylou, not in the least. I wish that I could say something to you to make it all better for you. I wish that I could say something emphatic to comfort you but I don't know what to say. I hope that you continue to talk and share with us. And know that there are kind ears out here listening to you....
I would like to share with you also something that helped me in dealing with my mom. There is an organization out there for family and friends of mentall ill people. It is called Alliance for the Mentally Ill. This organization meets monthly and sometimes more frequently so that familes and friends of mentally ill people can find support and understanding for what they have to deal with. They are all over the country and are filled with good understanding people. This is just a thought....
Most of all please continue to feel comfortable sharing here....we really do understand Emylou. And we are here to support you. *hugs*

[Cowgirl]

Emylou,

Welcome! I'm new here too, although not new to being a carer of someone with PTSD. You have been through a lot.

You sound like you have a handle on part of the problem, that you are not taking care of yourself. I would second Nicolette's concern that you are shouldering too much of the burden. My DH has a low threshold for frustration and stress, but he still works and he still does chores around the house. While those things add some stresses and frustrations to his life, they also add the rewards of being active and seeing his accomplishments - so on balance it is healthier for him to be active and to lead a life with adult responsibilities (I am not saying that all PTSD sufferers can do these things, but I think that those who can do some of those things might benefit).

You sound like a very nurturing person, but maybe a little too much so? I'm just throwing this out as a possibility - I don't know you or your DH, but from what you wrote it sounds like your DH has zero adult responsibilities. It sounds like you carry the entire burden, or at least most of it. I don't know how severely disabled your DH is, but have you ever tried letting him do some of those things for himself? For instance, if he won't eat for several days, will he emerge from the room and seek food, eventually? A person can go a long while without food, without severely impacting health, so ... anyhow, just a thought, depending on his over-all health, etc.

As for your leaving, I don't leave my DH for long periods, but when he starts off into anger, I generally do leave for a few hours. I think it really helps. First of all, it helps ME, as I don't have to be ranted at. And I think that helps US, 'cause you know that old saying - "If Mama ain't happy, ain't nobody happy!"

But I think it helps him also. He can be alone to regain his balance. And, it gives a consequence of sorts for him - he isn't rewarded (at least, not by me - I think there are other "rewards" for anger outbursts that are of a brain chemistry nature, but I'm no psychiatrist, so what do I know?) for the behavior, and so ultimately it starts to decrease.

We're going through a recent upsurge, but I think it will drop back down again - he's got some triggers going on in his life right now that are making things worse, but ultimately it will settle down again.

As for him not talking about his PTSD, I don't think that trait is at all uncommon.

And BOUNDARIES are so important. They are important in any relationship, of course. But I think they are even more important in a relationship where one person has PTSD. I know my DH has tested my boundary-setting skills. It sounds like possibly yours has pushed your boundaries pretty far.

Hope you find help here.

Cowgirl

[emylou]

i think the title to my response says it all
i thought i had being doing ok with caring for him and his condition but from reading the responses so far im not !
Nicolette - your comment about him controlling the relationship through the illness was pretty much spot on.its something that im always being reminded of, the upshot being i try even harder to do everything and eliminate all areas of stress (and the i screw up)
Cowgirl - your comment about me maybe being too nurturing was again spot on.the trouble is ive done this for 10 years and dont really know any different.dont know if im being overly optimistic but maybe once therapy starts (if i can get him down that path - been a struggle so far) the situation will change slightly for the better.
i took your advice and went out for the day today - it was nice to get away albeit for a few hours - nothing changed here but i feel slightly more refreshed.
rainbogrl - i read replies like yours and end up feeling awful because my situation is nothing compared to what you went through.tham you for the organization tip (is that in uk - not sure where you are posting from)
thank you all so much for the comments so far - i dont want to come onto this forum sounding like a moaning minnie - its just such a relief for me to see that i dont have to handle this any more on my own and that there are so many people who are willing to listen and, the main thing, offer sound advice
this really is the first time i have spoken to anybody about my life at home
thank you.xxxxxx

[Nicolette]

Emylou, please do not be so hard on yourself. You have done a remarkable job getting through 10 years of dealing with PTSD given little knowledge. You are now trying to seek help and knowledge which deserves a pat on the back. Good on you for trying!

[Lucky Laser]

Emylou, I'm glad to see that you realized you need to take better care of yourself. From the sufferer's standpoint one thing I have decided for myself is that I will NOT let this problem I have become an excuse to make my husband do all the bending. In fact, that is a large part of why I went to my therapist and finally got things going towards making myself better. Like the others have said, don't be so hard on yourself! Its not easy!

When all this started coming to light for me, my husband made a silly promise... a promise that whenever I became scared he would not take it personally and just take care of me. Well, soon I told him to undo that promise because I saw that it was hard for him too and I wanted him to be able to take a time out when he needs it and I would try as hard as I could to respect it. It doesn't always work out the way we plan, but I feel better knowing that we're both putting in effort.

Furthermore, I don't allow myself to think "we've been together X number of years, you should know what to do" anymore. I'm embarrassed to say it but I've used that excuse before but my husband pointed out that my symptoms change a lot and what was right three months ago may not work today. I hope this doesn't sound harsh, but I think your partner needs to let you off the hook on that one...

I think most importantly, your partner needs to make a move to get that counseling. If you are going to put all that effort into helping him, shouldn't he also put in the same effort to help himself and your relationship? Again... I don't mean to sound harsh but I guess part of it is that I've been irritated at myself for seeing the way I have acted towards my husband and others I have lived with.

I think that I have been fortunate because my husband has a real fire to his personality and he won't let me sit in the same spot in life not making myself better. I tell him that he's the fire under my a** and that I'd better not sit too long or else I'll be showing my bare butt to my entire future. :p

[Cindy]

I would think that within your relationships there are some boundaries which you have also set. Sometimes a PTSD Sufferer can take things too far and they need to be held accountable also and not be allowed to control a relationship through their illness.

I TOTALLY AGREE!

Also, try not to let the sufferer use their illness as an excuse. From my own personal experience when I faulted with either of these ideas, I was avoiding dealing with the issues of PTSD and adapting myself to the present circumstances. That is one of the hardest steps to take and is a continual process but necessary if you are going to function with others.

COMMUNICATION - it is always important to check understanding between each other.

Cindy

[emylou]

I agree - you all have a point. I think that he recognises he has ptsd but doesnt seem to take it any further than the stress levels. then when i do end up doing or saying something that triggers a response thats maybe why the reply is always
'see what stress does to me, see what you've done, you should know.......'and so on
the main problem at the mo i think is me. as soon as we get into this scenario i immediately start placating, running around, apologizing as much as poss for upsetting him and sit there and feel guilty for screwing up.
but, having read the replies so far i see that i maybe have to rethink my whole attitude
as at today nothing has changed, this has been since sat am (the longest spell before was for nearly 3 weeks) so i just sit and wait

as an aside on sun i popped out for the afternoon and left him a note saying i was sorry and that i had been going through a difficult time myself lately (i have had an op which now means at the age of 34 i have just stared hrt and will be on it till im 50 - early menopause not helping at the moment at all)
his reposnse to the note was just to say that he knew this (trigger) would happen, what with him as he is and me on hrt
i know that he was in a bad state but i came away feeling as though this is no walk in the park for me either but have ended up taking care and pussy footing around again
i dont think it helps that due to the op i have been signed off work until end of april so i am here wheras normally i dont see him till 6ish in the evening
im left creeping around the house not wanting to make any noise
do i carry on as normal ? bearing in mind particularly low as he is will this upset even more
sorry, im confused even more now - advice from anyone gratefull received

[Lucky Laser]

Emylou, I think the bottom line here is to take care of yourself and not let his PTSD be an excuse to make you bend to his every whim. I may not know what I'm talking about, but saying things like "see what stress does to me, see what you've done, you should know..." almost sounds abusive to me. You've done nothing but normal things and you seem terrified to even make a sound. You shouldn't have to creep around your own house. Having PTSD isn't an excuse to play the victim and in turn victimize everyone else around you.

If I was in your position I would push for him getting help and if he wouldn't I'd walk away until he did (yeah, I'm a meanie butt). But you've got to decide how much you're willing to put up with. Are you happy? Do you want things to change? Do you think he can work on himself too? Does he know the effect he has on you? I think that if he doesn't, he should.

I read somewhere once that someone who cares for someone with PTSD can almost feel like they have it themselves... always being on eggshells and whatnot, scared to set them off, etc... you have to take care of yourself before you can take care of someone else, and don't take blame for things you haven't done wrong.

[emylou]

all of the responses have been so helpful so far - i went to our local library today and did some extra reading (albeit not much available) about ptsd
i have to say i now feel far more confident about talking to him when he comes back to `normality' (?) - im ready to discuss how much isnt my fault and that i understand far more now than i ever did
i have made him an appt to see our local nurse next week (hopefully he will agree to go) and then we can get an appt with the GP.
I hope i havent come across in my postings as being full of self pity - over the last few years between the 2 of us we havent been doing too badly with coping - and, much like manic depression i suppose, when hes ok life is great and i see the man i fell in love with.
He doesnt talk to me in specific details about the ptsd reasons (i only know the basics even after all this time) and thats why i think his standard answer is always `stress'.
I also think that, as ive alredy said, over the past couple of months he has reiniated contact with his sister (hadnt spoken for 15years) and found that she also had been diagnosed with ptsd - but the big issue is still with his parents and subsequent traumas.
thanks again sisters

[Lucky Laser]

Nah, you haven't come across as self pitying. Mainly just too hard on yourself, so give yourself some credit. :smile: You clearly are very dedicated to your partner and you have taken some great steps, even in coming here.

[aeb7311]

emylou i would just like to congratulate u on looking for help. I have found that looking for information and support online has really helped me... If nothing else, at least I feel like I'm doing something to help.

I would recommend that you go to counselling together. Maybe you could even speak to the counsellor by yourself, and find out what is acceptable or expected from your husband. Sometimes putting an objective person in between who truly understands this illness can help the two of you to share your point of view without him storming off, and maybe help him understand the pressures he is putting on you. Perhaps the psychologist could have some suggestions for encouraging your husband to get help.

I understand what it is like to feel that you have to do everything in the household. I am currently the housewife and the main breadwinner, and its certainly not easy. But my partner is always gracious and grateful, and tries hard to do what he can, and control his stress/anger about the things that I have just not been able to get to yet. For example, he enjoys cooking roasts (because they are simple!), so about once a week he cooks us a roast, which normally lasts us for 2 nights. Its just nice for me to have a small break from cooking.

Having said that, I get resentful when I'm cleaning and he is playing his computer (that is his stress relief). So I have decided that this week I am going to do the cleaning when he is not here. I must say though, this week has been quite hard as I am on holidays and trying to relax myself.

I didn't mean to write this much, but I hope it has helped. Well done for trying to do the best by yourself and your husband, you should be proud of your strength