Not
03-04-2008, 11:44 AM
Hello all,
My name is Ken and I'm 38yrs old. My wife and I have been married for 14yrs and she suffers from PTSD as a result of sexual, emotional and physical abuse from childhood up through her last marraige where she suffered physical/sexual abuse. When we met, she did not know that she had PTSD, and all she knew and mentioned was that she had boughts of PMS and a quick temper. Since she did a good job of hiding it all from me, I thought of it as 'no big deal' and we dated happilly for nearly a year.
Once we moved in together, it was a bit harder for her to hide and I witnessed her first PMS(PTSD?) rage. After all these years, I have no clue what it was over or what might have triggered it (Something stupid I did, more than likely), but I just remembered the reaction being extreme, way too elevated for the situation. I have vague memories of her locking herself in the bathroom yelling 'leave me alone!' and me yelling back 'we can talk this out, arguing is healthy!'.
It was during the first few months of us living together that she began to tell me about her abuses from her mother, uncles and ex-husband. I did not have any idea how to process all of this and my reaction was 'the past is the past and the solution was to just not talk about it' :wall:.
After about a year of living together, we were married. We went on in that manner, her afraid to tell me about her nightmares and past and me thinking it was 'that time of the month' and reacting accordingly. There were HUGE arguments and blowups.
At some point, after several years, she decided to seek help. That was when she was officially diagnosed with PTSD. I was in denial. I thought that therapy was a load of crap and that PTSD was only for soldiers who'd been in combat. I wanted nothing to do with it, I just wanted the woman I fell in love with, the woman that seemed to have no problems all of a sudden had this HUGE problem. I was convinced that if we just talked about the issues before us and solved them, all would be better.
Due primarily to her needing emergency surgery and us having no health insurance, we filed bankruptcy and moved back to my home town and in with my mother for a 'fresh start' after living away for 8 yrs. Stress levels and arguments elevated astronomically and she re-entered therapy after a suicide attempt.
After this shock, I began to believe that her PTSD was real, but so much damage had been done up until that point that it was still hard for me to see it as 'our' problem. I tried to understand it, but viewed it as something to be fixed, as opposed to a permanent condition. I thought that if I saw her overreacting to something or going into a rage, I would simply tell her to calm down, and remind her that 'it's just the PTSD':wall:. It stayed stuck in my head that all I had to do was get her to understand the logic of whatever I was saying and that would fix all. Understandibly, she sees my every reference to PTSD as some sort of excuse to get out of whatever I may have gotten myself into (and I HAVE said and done some idiotic things)
I still struggle with how best to deal with all of this, because I find that some of my natural reactions make it worse. I instinctively go into 'explaination mode' when there is a dissagreement. Because, no matter what, if there's two ways to interpret something I said or did, hers is almost always the opposite of what I intended. I end up so many times trying to prove that I didn't do something (which is damn near impossible), I burn out more frequently.
We have since found her a new therapist, someone that specializes in non-combat related PTSD, that was supposed to help her with her condition and work with us as a couple.
The therapist saw her alone for three sessions before I was invited in. All we talked about was the impact that my sexual dysfunction had on her self esteem and trust:mad:. I was surprised to find out that the therapist had no idea that my wife had a temper!! When I called the therapist on it, her reply was "we're still getting to know eachother". BULLSH*T!!!! Aren't iritability, rage and boughts of anger symptoms of PTSD???? The tharapist told us to dedicate one hour each day to just us (standard 'Dr. Phil advice'). No mention of PTSD
We took the advice and our sex life got better for a couple of weeks. When we went back to the therapist, we reported that everything was better (with our sex life). I was told that I didn't need to come anymore. No mention of the PTSD or other steps to take.
After that, we went right back to the usual fighting, bickering and rages. Her flash backs seemed to be getting more frequent, and we spiraled VERY quickly. We had a huge argument over the phone when I was at work, that ended with me blaming her for my anger. When I got home that night, she said that she wanted to separate. As part support of her descision, part my own frustration and part belief that this was best, I agreed.
Once the reality of what I agreed to set in, I was filled with regret. I tried to talk to her about it, but we spiraled again.
A few days later, she went back to the therapist. I got a call saying that the Therapist would like to see us together in two weeks to go over the terms of the separation! THE F***ING THERAPIST!!!!????
This will make the third time we've been to this therapist together, and no mention of how best for me to deal with my wife's PTSD. I have yet to be told how to deal with a flashback, how not to take things so personal, how to avoid triggers, how to handle being accused of infidelity, or being told about her contemplating suicide, or my murder...
But hey, at least she did help my sexual performance problem (for a few days anyway):mad:
If the PTSD is affecting nearly everything that my wife experiences and alters her perceptions, why do I have to come to this free forum asking for help? What am I paying this therapist for?
How am I supposed to trust therapy when it seems like this therapist is just telling my wife what she wants to hear, and not what she needs to hear? And she's telling me nothing.
Or am I wrong and the therapist is giving good advice?
Other than venting, I seemed to have lost sight of why I even started this thread. I know I should've been there sooner for my wife, but it took so long for me to wrap my head around the whole thing that it might be too late. I guess I could use some words of support, although I'm not sure I deserve it:dontknow:
thanks,
Ken
My name is Ken and I'm 38yrs old. My wife and I have been married for 14yrs and she suffers from PTSD as a result of sexual, emotional and physical abuse from childhood up through her last marraige where she suffered physical/sexual abuse. When we met, she did not know that she had PTSD, and all she knew and mentioned was that she had boughts of PMS and a quick temper. Since she did a good job of hiding it all from me, I thought of it as 'no big deal' and we dated happilly for nearly a year.
Once we moved in together, it was a bit harder for her to hide and I witnessed her first PMS(PTSD?) rage. After all these years, I have no clue what it was over or what might have triggered it (Something stupid I did, more than likely), but I just remembered the reaction being extreme, way too elevated for the situation. I have vague memories of her locking herself in the bathroom yelling 'leave me alone!' and me yelling back 'we can talk this out, arguing is healthy!'.
It was during the first few months of us living together that she began to tell me about her abuses from her mother, uncles and ex-husband. I did not have any idea how to process all of this and my reaction was 'the past is the past and the solution was to just not talk about it' :wall:.
After about a year of living together, we were married. We went on in that manner, her afraid to tell me about her nightmares and past and me thinking it was 'that time of the month' and reacting accordingly. There were HUGE arguments and blowups.
At some point, after several years, she decided to seek help. That was when she was officially diagnosed with PTSD. I was in denial. I thought that therapy was a load of crap and that PTSD was only for soldiers who'd been in combat. I wanted nothing to do with it, I just wanted the woman I fell in love with, the woman that seemed to have no problems all of a sudden had this HUGE problem. I was convinced that if we just talked about the issues before us and solved them, all would be better.
Due primarily to her needing emergency surgery and us having no health insurance, we filed bankruptcy and moved back to my home town and in with my mother for a 'fresh start' after living away for 8 yrs. Stress levels and arguments elevated astronomically and she re-entered therapy after a suicide attempt.
After this shock, I began to believe that her PTSD was real, but so much damage had been done up until that point that it was still hard for me to see it as 'our' problem. I tried to understand it, but viewed it as something to be fixed, as opposed to a permanent condition. I thought that if I saw her overreacting to something or going into a rage, I would simply tell her to calm down, and remind her that 'it's just the PTSD':wall:. It stayed stuck in my head that all I had to do was get her to understand the logic of whatever I was saying and that would fix all. Understandibly, she sees my every reference to PTSD as some sort of excuse to get out of whatever I may have gotten myself into (and I HAVE said and done some idiotic things)
I still struggle with how best to deal with all of this, because I find that some of my natural reactions make it worse. I instinctively go into 'explaination mode' when there is a dissagreement. Because, no matter what, if there's two ways to interpret something I said or did, hers is almost always the opposite of what I intended. I end up so many times trying to prove that I didn't do something (which is damn near impossible), I burn out more frequently.
We have since found her a new therapist, someone that specializes in non-combat related PTSD, that was supposed to help her with her condition and work with us as a couple.
The therapist saw her alone for three sessions before I was invited in. All we talked about was the impact that my sexual dysfunction had on her self esteem and trust:mad:. I was surprised to find out that the therapist had no idea that my wife had a temper!! When I called the therapist on it, her reply was "we're still getting to know eachother". BULLSH*T!!!! Aren't iritability, rage and boughts of anger symptoms of PTSD???? The tharapist told us to dedicate one hour each day to just us (standard 'Dr. Phil advice'). No mention of PTSD
We took the advice and our sex life got better for a couple of weeks. When we went back to the therapist, we reported that everything was better (with our sex life). I was told that I didn't need to come anymore. No mention of the PTSD or other steps to take.
After that, we went right back to the usual fighting, bickering and rages. Her flash backs seemed to be getting more frequent, and we spiraled VERY quickly. We had a huge argument over the phone when I was at work, that ended with me blaming her for my anger. When I got home that night, she said that she wanted to separate. As part support of her descision, part my own frustration and part belief that this was best, I agreed.
Once the reality of what I agreed to set in, I was filled with regret. I tried to talk to her about it, but we spiraled again.
A few days later, she went back to the therapist. I got a call saying that the Therapist would like to see us together in two weeks to go over the terms of the separation! THE F***ING THERAPIST!!!!????
This will make the third time we've been to this therapist together, and no mention of how best for me to deal with my wife's PTSD. I have yet to be told how to deal with a flashback, how not to take things so personal, how to avoid triggers, how to handle being accused of infidelity, or being told about her contemplating suicide, or my murder...
But hey, at least she did help my sexual performance problem (for a few days anyway):mad:
If the PTSD is affecting nearly everything that my wife experiences and alters her perceptions, why do I have to come to this free forum asking for help? What am I paying this therapist for?
How am I supposed to trust therapy when it seems like this therapist is just telling my wife what she wants to hear, and not what she needs to hear? And she's telling me nothing.
Or am I wrong and the therapist is giving good advice?
Other than venting, I seemed to have lost sight of why I even started this thread. I know I should've been there sooner for my wife, but it took so long for me to wrap my head around the whole thing that it might be too late. I guess I could use some words of support, although I'm not sure I deserve it:dontknow:
thanks,
Ken