Rescuers - A Want To Be Saved

[nic]

I got the idea for this thread after reading Awakening's honest and powerful resonse to the "Sympathy" thread. (I hope you don't mind, Awakening.)

Anyway, when I was a younger, especially during the time of the trauma, I, too was looking to other people to "rescue" me from my situation. I often had fantasies of a teacher, coach, or other adult figure taking me out of the situation I was in, both literally and figuratively. Sometimes, in my fantasy, this would be done through a simple talk about what was going on, and other times the fantasy went as far as me going to live with the rescuer and not having to deal with my own [real] situation ever again. The odd thing is, while I was fortunate to have many wonderful teachers, mentors, etc., I NEVER spoke about the abuse, and instead did everything I could to try and hide it. I don't know if, perhaps, I really WAS hoping that someone would find out and therefore help but was just too ashamed to let on.

That being said, I think it is interesting that I am the teacher now, and often I do put myself in that rescuer role. I've been teaching for six years now, and while (I think) I went into the profession because of my love for literature and passion for teaching it, I wonder if another reason may have to do with this idea of rescuers. (If I couldn't be rescued, then perhaps at least I can rescue someone else.) I also worked as a rape crisis counselor for a couple of years, and I think this may also be due to the desire to rescue.

I am wondering (first off), if anyone else shares this need to rescue, and (secondly) if this is healthy or not. After all, it seems ironic that while I am trying to be a rescuer to many of my students, I still deal with many of the same issues.

[2quilt]

Oh, yes, I have the very same internal talk about someone rescuing me, and I do this on a daily basis. In my mind, I am injured and traumatized, and a character from an old TV show (I am in the show) rescues me and loves me and kind to me. I have done this since I was about 8 years old.

The difference with me is that I told neighbors' mothers and teachers that i was being molested and they did nothing. The police came to my house several times and did nothing because my parents quickly cleaned up the fight area and themselves before the police got there, and back then, the police did not get involved in domestic fights. Nobody ever attempted to rescue me, and I am angry about that because they should have helped me, but did nothing. In my mind, these adults are partially responsible for my abuse because they knew it was happening and did nothing to stop it.

I also went into teaching, but I taught adults because the thought of teaching and possibly rescuing a child from the same trauma I went through makes me freeze up. I stay away from children now because they are so vulnerable and they make me nervous. I cry uncontrollably if i think a child is being maltreated. I can't stand it.

I have called the police on people who were whipping children in parking lots, and I have had arguments with women in the bathroom for calling their kid stupid. Once I threatened to hit a woman if she hit her child one more time, she was going to get a beating from me that she would never forget. We screamed about how ironic it is that if adults hit each other, there will be assault charges, but she thought she could beat her child with no consequences.

To answer your second question as to whether this dreaming of a rescuer is healthy or not, I don't know, but I probably won't stop doing it.

[dlross]

Rescue fantasies are something I also engaged in from early on. Today I see them as an attempt at self-comforting. Offering myself in my imagination that which was nowhere to be found in reality. And if it were available, yes, I was too ashamed and afraid to ask for it. Indeed, needing anything like that was a punishable offense in my world.
A relative I only ever saw about three times as a kid was once spontaneoulsy kind to me in the aftermath of one of my mother's rages. That was a bewildering experience, but it felt so good at the same time that for years afterwards I fantasized about going to live with her. The cost of those fantasies was enormous feelings of guilt and disloyalty, and fear of discovery. Still, I took what comfort they offered when I most needed to.

When I read posts about rescuing I am always of two minds. I know of course that to literally attempt to save another is futile and unhealthy. But I also know that the world would be a much much worse place if no one were ever willing to extend themselves to another. I think those of us who have been badly hurt are often more attuned to the hurts of others. We actually see things that other may not, and are thus in a position to respond.

The willingness to be available is one of my ways of trying to break the cycle of abuse. Lately I make a conscious effort to be a part of the lives of my niece and nephew, whose parental constellation is complicated and pretty unhealthy. Not that I can fix anything, but I remember and still live with the results of a childhood,and especially an adolescence in which there was literally noone to talk to. No one paying attention as I fell deeper and deepr into trouble. I will not allow that to happend to them, if there is anything in my power to do about it.

And that is of course the conundrum. What is really in my power to do and what is not? What do I actually have to give without ignoring my owm needs or depleting my own still slender resources? At what point am I focussing on others as a way of distracting myself from myself?

I do what I can to stay on the healthy and thus actually helpful side of these questions. But it is important to me to be willing even if not able to help. It is one of the best things I know about myself, that I have a willing and generous heart, able to put me aside for moments at a time and look after someone else. It is what makes me sure that I am a human being after all.

[Cecilia]

When the abuse was taking place I did not understand why someone would not rescue me. Even though I had not told anyone; I was convinced they could tell just by looking at me. I felt so dirty and ashamed, I was sure everyone knew how bad I was; they just didn't want to help. That put a major chip on my shoulder, but let's face it; what teenager doesn't appear to have a chip on their shoulder. I felt like I stood out, when most likely I blended right in. Being shy and withdrawn kept me out of a lot of trouble.

I no longer look for a rescuer, but it angers me when people diminish another's suffering and in a gentle way; I try to rescue those suffering with my words whether they are present or not. I guess I am a passive rescuer.

[Cindy]

I also fantasize about being resued when I was younger. I wish someone had taken the time to illustrate what abuse was/is. For years I had a marraige that was abusive and had no clue.

I also became a teacher after several different but associated career paths. Beside the fun of sharing my love of science with others I also feel a large part of my job is listening to my students talk about their lives. I try to model appropriate and respectful behavior to them both of good emotions and bad. Unfortunately, several students of mine have experienced abuse first had or witnessed it within their households. I also keep a sharp eye out for my students and address my concerns when I have them.

When I was in third grade and being severely abused, hiding it, and avoiding it I would purposely miss the bus to clean my teachers chalk board. Those afternoons sponging off her boards and helping clean the classroom were the best moments of refuge I ever had. They warm my heart to just reflect on them. If I can do that for someone or even break the cycle with intervention that to me would be success. I know - I have made a difference to many teenagers, preventing a suicide; safe removal from a home with daily beatings by a drunk father; listening to teenage "drama" and giving positive advice, then all my years of teaching and personal suffering in my past has some meaning and purpose in the grand scheme of things.

Today, I think my choices have been a personal mission but not unhealthy. I've helped many and to my knowledge have hurt none. Have there been some I couldn't reach or help - absolutely, but the many outweigh the few.

[becvan]

Wanting to be rescued or rescue is unhealthy no matter which way you want to spin this. Rescuing implies incompetence on behalf of whomever is the receiver of such actions. It also takes away personal responsibility and personal growth. There is nothing noble about that.

Wanting to help another is a completely different matter. Helping is to aid one or to help guide them, not carry them.

If your focus is more on the rescuing than the helping aspects you would benefit from exploring this. What is driving you to act or think like this? Are you avoiding something? Are you trying to give new endings to old traumas? Rescuing is not about the other person, it is about your needs being met in unhealthy ways.

bec

[Trent]

I spent my entire grade school years trying to escape the school yard bullying. When I found that teachers would keep me in the classroom during recess as a way of punishing me for disturbing things, I became a class clown and kept things in a turmoil. I was a terror for the teachers. Then I met a teacher who wanted to take the punishment to a new level ... truly an assault and battery and sex abuse level. Back in the classroom, I declared my victory by throwing another spit ball at her and laughed through my tears. I though I had won the battle, but all these years later, i find that she won the war. She might have forgotten me, but i can never forget her and what she did.

Cindy ... thanks for your remarks about cleaning the board. I've always wondered why I was so focused on getting that little job and always, always being so disappointed that I was never chosen for it. Of course, it was another way for me to escape the beatings and sex abuse on the playground...at recess and after school.

So ... probably most of my teachers would have been rescuers if I had not acted so terribly in class, but they knew about the playground. They heard it from me. They heard it from others who told on the bullies. They saw it themselves and decided that I must have deserved it.

And now I find it was unhealthy to have wanted rescue, that I should have done it myself. I am sorry.

[Seeking_Nirvana]

Ouch, I feel the need to rescue from time to time. Not as much as I used to though, mostly because I'm just too tired. I used to volunteer for a rape crisis hotline as well.

I wondered if it was unhealthy to want to rescue and figured it was like a co-dependency issue.

Between being to tired and knowing in my heart it wasn't healthy I've moved away from doing that with the exception of my son. I still battle with wanting to rescue him. eh. Oh and my brother too.

Tammy

[linasmom]

I, too, fantasized early on about a rescuer. I ended up dating men who I knew were as messed up as I was hoping that I would rescue them and in turn, they would rescue me. Silly idea.

I no longer fantasize about a rescuer. I do though have a soft spot for animals and all of my "rescuing" is limited to them. My kitty is from a mother stray in the neighborhood who brought her kitten to my back door. My dog is a stray that ended up at a friend's front door. There's a house in my neighborhood that, for some unknown reason, has over 10 cats outside who never have enough to eat and none of them have been spayed or neutered, so every few months there are kittens under sheds, flea ridden and hungry and I end up bathing them all, feeding them and then calling the SPCA.

I should really volunteer to work for the SPCA.

[rainbogrl4u]

Linasmom, I so can identify with you in the rescue of animals. I volunteered for an animals rescue league and enjoyed it so very much. It really makes you feel good inside helping those who can't help themselves., animal or human.

I, too have fantasized for many years of running away and being rescued. It feels so good to do that. But the reality is that no one did or is going to rescue me...still makes me feel sad inside.

Thanks for letting me share.

[Monarch]

I think it is a natural response to want to be rescued from a horrible situation, I don't think it is unhealthy, I think it is something that gives us hope in the face of some pretty tough shit that happened. That wanting someone to save you means that you have hope that someday it will all stop.

I realize now that I can't 'save' anyone else I can only save myself. I can help others open up and start a conversation and I can give support and affirmation but I can't save them from their hurts.

however, when you talk about children or even teenagers whose brains are not fully developed maybe they really do need saving. If saving means stepping in and calling the police when someone is being abused then talking to that kid and finding a home for them, helping them find therapy and giving them hope then I will save someone. The trouble is that people don't follow all the way through, it is relly hard, we all know the behaviors, rage, cutting, burning, emotion distress, that is everything that someone goes through and that is alot to take on to save someone, ot walk them through that process over and over until they get it, or don't and then watch them self-destruct. Would yu really follow through?

[Awakening]

No Nic, I don't mind. It's actually comforting to know others feel the same.

As well as longing for a mother figure to rescue me, comfort & nurture me, I also apparently 'enable others dependancy'. I'm much better in that regard now, but still this fantasy persists.

I've been completely open with my therapist about it. We've dug & dug. We've explored the mother issues, self worth, empowerment, responsibility, transference. Still doesn't go away.

To be honest, I've researched this for so long and yet to come up with a real way to get over it or past it or why. No one can really tell me why I'm doing it or how to alleviate it. It's I guess a mix of all things I've discussed with my therapist.

It's quite natural to long to be rescued after a trauma. My therapist likens it to a small child who falls over & scrapes her knee. Very natural for that child to run to Mummy seeking comfort & reassurance that she is okay before going back to play.

But with me I'm no longer a child, my knee has long since healed, yet I'm stuck in waiting for Mum to come & get me, and so cannot get on with going back out to play.

It's a big stumbling block for me, and I seem to be unable to get past it, around it, through it.

[becvan]

I think it is a natural response to want to be rescued from a horrible situation, I don't think it is unhealthy, I think it is something that gives us hope in the face of some pretty tough shit that happened.

I completely agree. However continuing to do so, into adulthood is not healthy. It works as a child, it does not work as an adult.

however, when you talk about children or even teenagers whose brains are not fully developed maybe they really do need saving. If saving means stepping in and calling the police when someone is being abused then talking to that kid and finding a home for them, helping them find therapy and giving them hope then I will save someone. Would yu really follow through?

Where do you live that you have to find them a home, find them therapy, etc? Once you call the police (and any person that claims to care about children damn well better if they are being abused) and they investigate, Social workers step in and do this. It's their job. And it's their job for a reason.

However, we are not talking about defenseless children here. We are talking about ourselves, ADULTS.

As for how to stop doing this, all I can say is how I stopped. Maybe it will work for someone, maybe it won't. .. who knows..

So.. my story of this starts with leaving the most violent relationship I had ever been in, also my last violent one. I went into crisis counseling for a bit.
I couldn't understand how I could end up here, again. I had tried so hard to break that damn cycle. The therapist asked me something and let me tell you it really really pissed me off. She asked me what was I doing that put me into this type of relationship repeatedly. Of course I took it as being blamed for all of it. I never went back again.

But that damned question burned in my brain... until a few months later I realized the answer. I wanted to be saved. I was looking for a hero to come and take it all away. I was.. the perfect prey.

So my journey began with a very ugly question and a very ugly answer. I decided then and there that no one would ever rescue me, except me. After that, every time I started to fantasize about being rescued, I would put myself as my own hero. I began to tell myself I was able to fix it. (it.. being everything.) I started to believe it.. Then I started to learn about being personally responsible for myself, about having the power to make choices, to make mistakes, I was becoming empowered....

It's taken a long time.. but I've never backed down. Rescuing is unhealthy. There are no excuses, no justification that will make it otherwise. It is most certainly a normal reaction to terrible traumas as a child, as an adult it removes all responsibility from the "saved" person and a twisted level of control to the other, no matter what good intentions there are.

bec

[Awakening]

Bec, thank you so much for your post. It's the best advice I've seen in regards to this issue, and I've done a lot of research.

Alot of the time this fantasy is dismissed as a transference, and well almost encouraged i.e. there is nothing wrong with being saved, or wanting comfort from your trauma. Yet, I know, that my fantasy is damaging me and is going beyond transference.

Lately I've taken a step back from the rescue fantasy and asked myself what's really going on here. And I have realised that this fantasy puts me constantly in the role of the victim. It feeds my victim mentality, which feeds my helplessness, which feeds my it's-pointless-I-can't-be-saved-so-no-point-even-trying which turns into depression, which turns into the fantasy all over again.

Futhermore, I'm finding myself in relationships; work, friendships & otherwise where I'm being 'picked on'. Nothing violent, but I've been the victim of some unacceptable and unfair behaviour by people. I've been asking myself why me, rather then what I'm doing that I'm attracting this rubbish? I'm not the only one noticing it - a few people have asked 'why are you putting up with this?' 'why don't you say anything' 'you should stick up for yourself'. And I've just shrugged poor me this stuff always happens to me nothing I can do about it, and been hoping someone else will step in and save me.

Despite these recent realisations that I'm casting myself into the victim role and it's spilling over into real life, it has never occured to me to put myself into a hero position, or into an empowered position.

If I think of the 'victim' as someone other then me, then how would I help them? How would I rescue them? And wham, suddenly I have lots of different solutions to some of the situations I've found myself in. I've been letting it happen. Yikes. Hello, she wakes up.

Bec, you are a genius! I love the hero idea. I also like the idea of telling myself that I can fix it. It's really quite simple yet no one's ever pointed it out to me before.

[becvan]

Your very welcome. Trust me.. it doesn't seem simple after the hundredth time of having to force your fantasy to change, or repeating healthy positive messages. It can get quite frustrating actually! ;)

A fair warning, once you apply this to your entire life a lot of "friends" are gone once it's all said and done. Learning to be healthy is one hell of a tough road and it can get lonely while losing the not so nice relationships you had going. The nice bonus is that those that are left are truly worth it.

hehe.. that is the problem with some therapists.. they just want to coddle us!

bec

[Nicolette]

To be honest, I've researched this for so long and yet to come up with a real way to get over it or past it or why. No one can really tell me why I'm doing it or how to alleviate it. It's I guess a mix of all things I've discussed with my therapist.

I'm a bit late in on this conversation but wanted to post a thought.

If our mother did not rescue us/protect us/care for us as a child and it never changed.....do we try and re-create the same situation over and over trying to fix/change something which happened a long time ago and cannot be changed? Do we think if we just get a taste of how good we think it will be as an adult we can then shed the pain we have carried through from our childhood?

While the wanting to be rescued makes perfect sense I wonder if that is only part of it. The reason I say this is, while we think we need to be rescued and try and put ourselves in the position to be 'saved', why is it we choose people who are not capable of 'rescuing' in the first place. Don't we end up choosing someone who resembles the person we have the issue with in the first place?

My thoughts, from a lot of personal experience, is that you have to come to an acceptance of what happened and peace in what was just "was" whether it be right or wrong, fair or unfair. Acceptance and forgiveness allows us to let go of what we are hanging onto. Through the forgiveness process you acknowledge someone did wrong by you instead of the struggle with "why" they did it to you. Sometimes the answer is not in the "why" even though we look for it there. We get caught up trying to work out why when perhaps we should be focusing on changing how we feel as even when you find out why it doesn't really change anything. If you were hurt in the first place finding an answer does not take away the pain.

[Cecilia]

you have to come to an acceptance of what happened and peace in what was just "was" whether it be right or wrong, fair or unfair. Acceptance and forgiveness allows us to let go of what we are hanging onto.

Bingo! Nicolette, I totally agree. A couple of weeks ago, a very loved and trusted friend told me: "Faith really is a source of peace and joy and kindness. It's a place to rest and be restored. This is the Lord's gift to you, I think, after traumas in the past. So Enjoy!"

Of course, he knows I am religious. He emailed me that quote after I experienced one of those "aha!" moments where for a second I understood something about my mother. Now when I am feeling down I read that quote. It brings comfort.

I believe it is best to seek peace whether through forgiveness, compassion, understanding or acceptance. Not every action has a reason. I must admit; I cannot explain everything I do. Why do I expect to understand the actons of someone else? Yet, many days I still ask "why"!

[linasmom]

Acceptance and forgiveness allows us to let go of what we are hanging onto. Through the forgiveness process you acknowledge someone did wrong by you instead of the struggle with "why" they did it to you.


That is very difficult, at least the forgiveness part of it, for me. And I'm not so sure I have to forgive because, in the first place, my perpetrator didn't ask for forgiveness, in fact, my perpetrator won't admit to anything. So how does one forgive someone when that someone hasn't asked for forgiveness? Also, am I forgiving the "who" or the "what"?

[Cecilia]

Linasmom:

It is very difficult. I am still working on it and may never totally get there. My perpetrator was emotionally ill and a drug addict. Shortly after violating me, he was sent to a mental hospital for drug rehab and to deal with some of his issues. His parents sent him out of state and claimed he was working at the mental hospital, but that was not true.

I guess it is easy for me to say "he had problems and was not aware of what he was doing." I still get angry. I don't want to forgive him or understand him because he asks...he never has. I want to forgive for my own sake so I can let him out of my psyche. When he enters in; I can say "Cecilia, you have forgiven and let go of this issue."

Like I said, I am not there yet and definitely no expert on the matter, but I know that self-talk has helped a little in the past.

It may be totally different for you. Everyone is different with different experiences so I definitely would not hold anyone to my idea or judge them for rejecting it.

I'm just going on my experience.

[linasmom]

I guess then, the question is - what form of forgiveness are we speaking of? Here is the definition I found on Dictionary.com:

for·give http://cache.lexico.com/dictionary/graphics/luna/thinsp.png –verb (used with object) 1.to grant pardon for or remission of (an offense, debt, etc.); absolve. 2.to give up all claim on account of; remit (a debt, obligation, etc.). 3.to grant pardon to (a person). 4.to cease to feel resentment against: to forgive one's enemies. 5.to cancel an indebtedness or liability of: to forgive the interest owed on a loan. –verb (used without object) 6.to pardon an offense or an offender.

To cease to feel resentment towards a perpetrator, for me, can be done with work. However, I don't feel that I need to "pardon" my perpetrator for her crimes against me in order to heal. I will not excuse her actions.

[Cecilia]

No. I cannot "pardon" my perps behavior. There is never an excuse for abuse. I can never say what he did was fine. Even if he was mentally ill and a druggy, he was an adult and should have sought help. That was his responsibility and I will not let him off the hook for that.

I am just trying to cease to feel anger and resentment towards him to help myself. It is actually a selfish act of forgiveness. Not good-will towards the perp, but good-will towards myself so I feel better.

[becvan]

While the wanting to be rescued makes perfect sense I wonder if that is only part of it. The reason I say this is, while we think we need to be rescued and try and put ourselves in the position to be 'saved', why is it we choose people who are not capable of 'rescuing' in the first place. Don't we end up choosing someone who resembles the person we have the issue with in the first place?

My thoughts, from a lot of personal experience, is that you have to come to an acceptance of what happened and peace in what was just "was" whether it be right or wrong, fair or unfair. Acceptance and forgiveness allows us to let go of what we are hanging onto.

Yes, I do agree this can be a huge aspect of it. It's an excellent question we should all ask ourselves.

However, we do not need to accept or forgive anything to change this whole rescue fantasy. I certainly haven't gotten anywhere near forgiveness, and have barely accepted most of what has happened, yet I have gone from wanted to be saved to saving myself.

Personally I think accepting will be easier than forgiving, in the long run. Hehe, but I've been wrong before.

Anyways we have all steered terribly far off course here, we were talking about the rescue fantasy.. shall we return there... *nudge nudge*

bec

[Anonymoose]

I'd love it if someone would come along and rescue me but I don't expect for that to happen. I wouldn't mind if my higher power rescued me and that I do expect to happen and it generally does. It's a great fantasy to consciously indulge in at times but I think that it's important to stay grounded in reality and do my footwork, expecting my own efforts to yield the desired results.

[Nicolette]

However, we do not need to accept or forgive anything to change this whole rescue fantasy. I certainly haven't gotten anywhere near forgiveness, and have barely accepted most of what has happened, yet I have gone from wanted to be saved to saving myself.

That is great that you have saved yourself Bec. I am also not saying that you need to change the rescue fantasy either as I am sure a lot of women grew up with the "Snow White" or "Cinderalla" idea. My heart would melt if a knight in shining armour turned up on his white horse to rescue me :rolleyes:. If only!

What I was trying to say was if you wanted to stop being "rescued" well then you would need to work out why it was you felt you wanted to be "rescued" in the first instance.

Just quickly and a little off topic but relevant - by acceptance I mean believing what happened to you, that it was real, and by not trying to put it out of your mind trying to think it did not happen. I would never suggest that an abuser should be forgiven for their sake, I mean finding forgiveness in your heart so you can let go of it for yourself. Unfortunately some abusers would not have given those they have abused a second thought and have no idea or consideration for the pain they have inflicted on your life. Forgiveness to allow your self to move on past something can be very lifting. Eg My mum didn't do the right thing by me when I was young but I have come to the acceptance over the years that she did not know any better. I forgive her for not knowing any better; I still do not believe what she did was right. It does not take away the hurt and baggage which came out of the situation however I no longer invest my energy in her and instead I am trying to "fix" what damage had been done as best as possible. I guess in Bec's terms, that is saving myself :wink:!

[becvan]

What I was trying to say was if you wanted to stop being "rescued" well then you would need to work out why it was you felt you wanted to be "rescued" in the first instance.

Just quickly and a little off topic but relevant - by acceptance I mean believing what happened to you, that it was real, and by not trying to put it out of your mind trying to think it did not happen.

Perhaps, perhaps not. I know I didn't need to know at first, it did come with time however....

LOL, that was what I was referring to about acceptance. Some things still are not real to me. As if it was someone else's story or a dream.. anything but part of my reality. Or simply avoid avoid avoid... I agree it is relevant.

*sighs* Have I mentioned how much these thread highlight how much more work I have to do? :rolleyes:

bec

[Cindy]

When I was experiencing my abuse I struggled with wanting to be rescued and what was I doing wrong. As many of you have stated, I was silent - so how could the rescue even take place?

The phantasy of a rescue I held onto for a while in therapy but soon let go of it. All the abuse had happened and nothing was going to change that. My new favorite saying is "It is what it is.". It is the past, and now it will never happen again because I will get out of the situation as fast as my feet will carry me.

The forgiveness thing, I can't get my thoughts through this one. I absolutely can not, at this time, forgive the people who abused me. They were cruel manipulative people. I don't feel I need to forgive myself because I don't believe at the time I knew what was happening or how to deal with it. Now I have radar to recognize mal treatment and if it ever happens again, I understand the piece about forgiving myself for letting it happen again.

Just my two cents.

[morgan]

I have an unhealthy need to be a rescuer and sometimes I act on it. I never realized it could be hurtful to the other person though. I am currently working on this in therapy but have yet to overcome it. I thought I only wanted to help but I am learning more and more everyday. This forum has been very good for me. I just hope my rescuing hasn't caused anyone any harm.