State Department Member - Baghdad

[Vilerat]

My wife googled this place and said I should post here. I don't know if I should but here I am.

For background I'm a state department member stationed in baghdad. I've been here 6 months and the past two weeks have been bad. We've been hit inside our embassy compound daily around 20 times a day with 107mm's and 240mm's.

So it's been bad.

I haven't read most of this forum (I'm sorry) so I'll tell what I've felt.

I was actually fine here for months. When I first got here a rocket went over my head and it made a whistling sound. I thought it sounded like a movie noise until it landed 150ft away and I threw myself to the ground. Recently during the post easter attacks a rocket whizzed over my head and slammed 50 feet away. it actually picked me up and slammed me into the ground.

It was all fun and games until that point. From that point on I hear the C-RAM (counter rocket and mortar) sirens everywhere I go. I hear explosions every time somebody slams a door. I'm fine until a sudden noise happens and it freaks me out bad. I don't outwardly show anything but when it happens my heart jumps into my throat and I panic for a second. This happens once or twice a day since this has stopped and it hasn't shown any sign of stopping.

Specifically I'm worried about this long term. I don't want to freak out when a door slams or a car backfires. I don't want to think that a firecracker is about to spray shrapnel at me and I don't want to have a heart attack when I hear a siren.

I'm functional and not a basket case but I know this isn't normal and I don't know how to handle this. I know this is my first post but dayam.


Any advice?

[MARINEWIFE]

Hi I'm a wife of a marine who is suffering from PTSD and there are a few things that i have learned over the last year and a half that he has been back. The best advice i can give to you right now is to be as open as possible with your wife, its not going to be easy on either of you but you have to be open. I'm not sure what your beliefs are but prayer from people at home, church, family and friends will be the best thing right now. I'm not sure when you are going to get home, but when you do the first thing to do is find a counselor that you trust to help you adjust back to the states and life around those you love again. Remember to pay attention to the things that you react to and make those close to you aware of them so they can help try to "protect" you in a way from them. Good luck with everything and thank you for serving our country.

[Vilerat]

I opened up big time to my wife and she googled this place. She ordered me to post here and open up :)

I think I'm ok but I really opened up with some friends and as I was opening up I realized I'm not as ok as I should be.

[Grama-Herc]

I can not help with any advise as I have no idea what you must be going through. Being a non-military person makes understanding difficult

I can however, Thank You for serving your country and helping to keep me and my family safe. If I can lend an ear or assist you in anyway, it would be my honor.

Again, Thank You from myself and my family. We will pray for you and your safe return to your family.

[Vilerat]

I'm here. I volunteered to be here. If I didn't volunteer to be here others would be here. I know I can do it and our family felt it was important to do it.

As I said I volunteered. I serve with hundreds of military who didn't volunteer. They had no say in the matter. They were told to be here and they serve with honor. I have the option to curtail and leave with no repercussions at any time.

I spent time in the military but now I'm here as a civilian. Your praise is better served directed at the guys and girls who are out in the red zone securing the outlying districts helping us stay safe here. I'm not in Sadr city and I'm not patrolling route Irish. Those are the heroes. I just got some rockets fired my way. They go out chasing the guys who fire the rockets.

I hate to say it but that makes me feel worse because I feel awfully small when I think about my concerns.

[Cindy]

Is there anyway to see a counselor now at your post?

It may help to speak to someone who is living in the same environment who can better help you to adapt in someway. I recommend a counselor because of confidentiality. While you are in the environment that is creating the stimulus for your panics it's hard to determine any or if longterm impacts are to be considered. I would think maybe returning home would settle things down without the stimulus of the environmental noise. I am not a professional - you need to seek someone out who can evaluate you, your situation, and answer your valid concerns.

In my opinion, I see no problem with you continuing to post here and read to get more information/education on this forum.

[Vilerat]

Best regards!

My posts are appearing and disappearing so I don't know if you can see them so we'll see.

My current problem is we have an embassy counselor but his concern seemed to be more checklist concerned than anything else.

My concerns are simple. I hear sirens. I hear them everywhere.

I hear the c-ram sirens everywhere I go. I hear that siren that says a round is about to land on my head when I hear a truck back up. I hear a round go off when my neighbor slams his door. I hear this now and I'm over here I'm absolutely terrified of hearing this when I get home with my wife and kids. I don't want my daughter popping a balloon and have me drop to the ground out of instinct.

Right now I can hear that stupid siren. It's not a good sound for a couple of reasons. The C-ram siren is attached to a radar system. The radar detects incoming rounds and sounds a siren if it's in your area.


The problem I had is for a while in my housing area the C-Ram has always seemed quiet. I didn't know how it worked...

It would go off and I'd drop to the floor, grab my body armor and throw it on while hearing a distant "THUD".

Not a happy thud, but a "Hi I'm a bad guy I'm delivering something bad somewhere but this isn't your time, don't worry about me!"

Good times!!!

Recently I heard the C-RAM loud and clear. It was awesome I thought they finally fixed it.

They didn't fix it. The round landed close enough to lift me off the ground and slam me down. nobody got hurt during that specific attack but from that point on I hear sirens everywhere. I hear any sudden noise as something bad and I don't know what to do.

[cherryblossom]

I'm non-miliatery, so I can't say that I know what you are going through.

However I have had PTSD for several years, and it is a living hell. And it is something that I wouldn't wish on anyone.

You seem to have identified a problem here. I would advise you to seek help ASAP, in the hope that by getting help early on, it will have a smaller impact on your life. Don't let this horrible condition take over your life. The fact that you are here shows you are concerned - do something about it now, before it gets out of control. Hind sight is a wonderful thing to help others. I have wasted too many years in denial, making everything so much harder. Don't make the same mistake.

Take care

[WarHippy1%]

This may sound harsh, but this forum deals with a harsh subject. If you're having that much trouble adapting to life in a warzone, GET OUT. I volunteered for Vietnam, spent 18 months with the 1st Cavalry. When they wanted charlie out of a zone, they sent the 1st Cav in. But, before charlie left, he pounded us nightly with rockets and mortars. We didn't have C-Ram. We woke to the explosion, and quickly learned that if we survived, we had to get to the bunker line fast, cuz charlie was good at following the mortars with a ground attack. For years after I came home, I slept in the dark, with music on, because, when I was startled awake by a loud noise, I woke up running for the bunker line. In a darkened bedroom, my run was short lived ending in my face hitting the wall of the bedroom, but instinct is hard to let go of. My point is, it won't get better, only worse. War causes PTSD, some of the worst symptoms of PTSD. The government knows this, Vietnam taught them that. There is no cure for PTSD. It took me twenty years of suffering before I found out I had it. Another couple of years to convince myself that I wasn't weak, I was a victim of war. Eleven years of PTSD therapy later, I was able to let go of enough of my bullshit to get sorta comfortable in my skin, enough to cope with life anyway. If this sounds like a shitty way to live life, you bet yer ass it is. I wish someone would have cared enough about me to write what I'm writing to you. I can't count the number of times I got to the point that I was ready to 'off' myself because I hated the life that PTSD caused me to have. My wives suffered, my children probably wished they had a 'normal' Dad, many times I wished they had a normal Dad, but I've survived. PTSD also taught me to be a survivor, for what? God hasn't answered that question yet. But, you said you have the option to get the hell away from that war. Take it, or you could wind up like me. Or worse, it's been estimated that twice as many Vietnam Vets have committed suicide as a result of the war, than the number of Brothers I lost in the country of Vietnam. That's a grim statistic, but PTSD doesn't take prisoners, only lives. I wish you the best.

[FlameTachiku]

Hi Vilerat,

I have seen people I love murdered and have others threatened. It is not war but some things might be similar with PTSD symptoms.

I want to share something that help me to maybe provide hope for you to hold onto.

The flashbacks, the feelings of terror, loss of control, self questions of sanity resulting from nightmares while awake and the unexpected startle responses--mix with life, the world moving on normally, creates a deep unvoiceable pain. I can funtion in the normal world well but the symptoms of PTSD lurk and reappear.

The thing is at first I attempted to avoid situations that would trigger the flashbacks because of fear of not only the experience, but because of the period that follows where normal function is difficult, if not impossible. However, I have learned that the flashbacks can be a part of healing. What triggered the flashbacks once may trigger a different response this time because I am learning how to survive and live through the terror. I have more control (not complete control) but enough to learn and to accept the fear that comes with activiation of symptoms and go through them. It helps to survive and move on to the next chapter.

Flashbacks and all the accompanys it comes at times of great stress but days of feeling normal do come again. It is not easy, but there are ways to make it easier and many days of happiness that happen with family, life, and all that matters. All days are not dark, the feelings of horror are not constant--it passes--at times for long periods. A decent life with PTSD is possible.

Even so, the man that provided the advice--too get out of there if you have a chance is wise. Not all people with your experiences will have the same responses as you. The thing is for some reason you are volunteerable to PTSD. Don't expect to much of yourself. You may believe that being there is the same for you as the next person, so feel obligated in some way to stay. But PTSD has it's own challenges and you and your family have given enough. Take care of yourself and those you love if you have the option.

Best wishes and thank you for your work!

[Cindy]

War Hippy - the reason you are here today is your post with heartfelt experiences to share with another soldier! :thumbs-up

[WarHippy1%]

Thank you, Cindy, for reminding me that I do have an important reason for being here, to help when I can, with my experiences, strength, and hope. I can add, that, with therapy, the nightmares can change into dreams that are sometimes even enjoyable. I used to have a recurring nightmare that we were being overrun, and nobody was manning the bunkers, and I was running from bunker to bunker, firing the claymore mines and the foo gas barrels, and taking some shots with the M-60's, then running to the next bunker and doing the same, etc., til I'd wake up covered in sweat and wondering how I got back home. I was in a 3month inpatient Combat PTSD Program at the local VA Hospital. At some point during my stay, the nightmare changed into a dream, a pleasant dream. I was back at Fort Ord, waiting to be shipped back to Vietnam, only this time, instead of fear of the unknown, I was in charge of a group of new guys, leading them back to a place that was familiar to me, to finish the job that was left unfinished when I came home the last time. Whenever I had that dream, I sorta hated to wake up, because I liked where I was at, and what I was doing. Maybe that sounds a little sick and demented, but it finally made sense to me. Then, that dream faded away, and I don't have nightmares anymore, Progress isn't it?

[Cindy]

Absolutly! I can't wait to get there too!

[Trent]

Your responses are normal. You hear that siren, ud better get down. Months and months in the red zone with only cpl nights in rear area taught me a lot about surviving ... but surviving is the hard part. All these years later, I'm just figuring out that I am totally PTSD'd... many many times I've been interviewed by medical types asking if I have this symptom or that, and always, I lie.

I always tell them things are normal, another way I am repressing all of the terror.

I was never afraid in combat. Never one time. But the thought of revealing all of this terrorizes me.

My wife doesn't know. My family doesn't know. I've barely told my story in a couple of chat sites and the telling brought tears, panic, and shaking almost like a seizure.

I'm glad your wife knows now and encourages help. When I passed through, the shrinks on post were for getting ppl out of the military. I think you would find a different story now. Take advantage of it while it is free and while you're with shrinks who are experiencing the same terror you are.

The swoosh or rockets or the snick of bullets passing your ears is not a normal thing for the human body. the mind processes that as get down before u get killed. When it happens over and over your mind wonders if your body is listening.

Ive received no help. Im way afraid of therapy. I'm afraid of my current activities and wonder whether they might be caused by the ptsd and some other things.

You'll be demonstrating your bravery and courage if you talk this over with knowledgable people. I admire what you are doing both for the country and for yourself.

And thank you for telling me about it.

[WarHippy1%]

Trent,
This post is for you. The symptoms you describe that are intolerable to you, I believe, is your mind's way of trying to cope with memories that it doesn't want to acknowledge even happened. It's part of the recovery, the cleansing process. I've cried a river of tears, talking about the things I hid for years. A real man cries when he hurts bad enough, not from physical pain, mostly from pain in his soul, pain that a pill can't touch, pain that a doctor can't see, test for, or administer to. It takes alot of courage to face those ghosts, and alot of time to chase em away. When the act of crying in front of a group of your peers becomes preferable to living the rest of your life with those goblins running around in your mind, then you're ready to recover. It takes a strong man to go to war. It takes a stronger man to recover from the effects of war. Please don't stop with the job halfway done, recover from it.

Almost eight years ago, I was sitting in front of my computer on Memorial Day, and I started thinking about how much that Day Had changed in meaning for me over the years. Remember when Memorial Day simply meant that school was about over and the summer vacation was starting? Those were the good days, weren't they? That is how my humble poem begins, and it describes the changes of Memorial Day's meaning that occurred with me since those innocent years til now, but especially the therapy that brought those changes. Here it is. I hope you like it and I also hope that it brings new hope that you can recover too: