I Think I Hate My Boyfriend Subconsciously

[amisick]

Hi,

I'm a 22 year old Asian girl. About a year ago, I got involved in a accident at sea in Thailand. I nearly drowned in that incident. It happened when my boyfriend and I were just splashing around in the waves, when we decided to try body surfing. Initially it was all good and fun, until the tide started to rise. Only that we were oblivious to the rising tide, there was no way we can know. My boyfriend sensed something amiss when the waves became really strong and both of us were pulled under for a tad longer than before. (Oh my god... typing this out makes me feel nauseous) He started to holler for help while I was coughing as sea water got into my mouth.

He held my hand firmly, but the waves proved strong. Within the next rush, we were torn apart. When I surfaced, I saw him about 20 to 30 m ahead of him. I screamed out to him to help me. But before I could get the words out of my words, another wave overtook me. I started to feel panic and fear. I screamed and begged at him to not leave me behind in the sea to die. My insides turned into ice when I saw a surfer swim up to him and save him. I screamed till my throat went raw for him to turn back and get me, but he could not turn back.

I was all alone at sea for what seemed like a 10000000 years (Probably between 15 to 20 mins in real life) until a body surfer chanced upon my half dead self and swam me to a jet ski which brought me back to shore. Whilst out at sea, I immediately realised that I have to stop screaming to save myself. I began to conserve energy and watched the timing of the waves to prevent myself from drowning.

While I survived that incident, and nightmares and ill feelings stopped assaulting me non-stop about 1 week after it. I still feel slightly sick when I see imagery of the seas. Especially those post-card blue kind of seas, because that's EXACTLY how that damned sea looked when I was drowning in it.

Before the incident, I was a relatively independent girl who never really demanded or expected my boyfriend to spend excessive amounts of time with me and such. But looking back at the past year, I realised I've become increasingly demanding of my boyfriend. I feel stabs of ice cold fear when he has to leave me and head off to something. I feel murderous bursts of anger when he teases me and I can't squirm of out it. I feel horrifying disappointed when he can't meet me for dinner. I even get jealous of his new handphone because he SEEMS to pay more attention to it than me. I actually feel paralysing fears and panic when I have to work late alone in office and he cannot stay with me. I HATE BEING ALONE in general. I do mean HATE. Even like when we take the train home after work and his stop is before mine, I hate him for having to get off earlier than me, leaving me alone in the train. After the incident I constantly feel increasingly that I am a burden to him. That him having to spend time with him is a drain of his time and energy.

All of my vile emotions are straining my relationship. I feel, as usual, fearful and alone. And being perceived as a strong and unbreakable person in friends and family, I find it to reconcile with myself that I am now nothing much more than a broken, angry girl incapable of loving someone without hating him. If only I can tear out my bleeding and scared heart to get it healed... (Yes I sound like a BAD song lyric now...)

At the end of the day, I actually know it's not my boyfriend's fault that he had to leave me at sea because him turning back would have probably resulted in our deaths. But... subconsciously, I am unable to forgive? Or am I just plain evil?

Any words for me...? Please?

[dlross]

Hi amisick,

there is nothing evil about you. It sounds to me like you are having a hard time because you went through a very traumatic experience. I hope you can get some help to resolve the terror you have been left with. I am pretty sure in the end you will see that it is not about your boyfriend. But he was there, and a part of the experience so it makes sense for a lot of the feelings to 'attach' to him. Knowing that he had no choice but to leave you behind does not make your feelings of abandonment any less valid. But they are yours to deal with. I wish you well, and welcome to the forum.

[samsara]

Baby, you are working out more than you think, just by writing this.
Are you in counselling?
Have you found the trauma diaries on here yet?
Check those out.

Welcome, and read around, lots of understanding and tough love here.

Congrats! You have taken the first step to healing by admitting you have a problem to overcome.

Are you ready for the challenge to overcome it?


With positive thoughts for you.

x

S

[upstream]

Welcome amisick! You're not evil, and you don't seem sick to me.

[kl12279]

You are not evil. I am no certified psychologist, although my father was and my mother was a social worker, so I grew up hearing lots and lots of cases.

It sounds like being in that intense situation with your boyfriend triggered some abandonment issues buried deep. As very young children, our minds interpret situations (i.e., a parent dropping off baby with babysitter) very different than our adult rational minds would. The resulting impression can be intensely emotional and stay with us for 10, 20 and 50 years. As adults, it doesn't make logical sense as to why we'd feel so strongly about something that logically shouldn't affect us to the extent that it may.

So now after your drowning experience you had with your boyfriend, those intense feelings have become associated closely to him. Spouses also tend to bring out many many deep-rooted issues we have, simply because spouses' roles in our lives are very close to that of parents' roles in the respect of love, intamacy, and emotional support.

I hope this sheds some light on your situation, or if not then it's just good to be aware of these things. Awareness is the first step to healing. Good luck.

[midi]

Hey welcome. I don't think you're evil.