PTSD and The Loss of My Twin Babies

[graebrahm]

Hello - I have PTSD resulting from an auto accident almost 4.5 years ago resulting in the drowning death of my 10 month old twin babies and my own near drowning. Just today somebody suggested that there might be a place online where I could talk to somebody else who might understand even some small part of what my life has become - and I thought it was worth a shot. I found this site. Just after my accident I had found a grief site but did not find that helpful at the time.

I see a counselor once a week for this but have gotten progressively worse. Just writing about this I am feeling quite nauseous. There are so many facets to this - I'm sure for each of us - but too many to put down here without writing a book. I am not on any medication currently since while they had some positive effects their were also some negative - which was the reason I had to stop taking them. I couldn't cry while on meds and felt like I would explode from not being able to express myself. My sleep is and has been horrible from the beginning, issues from just poor sleep to nightmares and waking flashbacks. I don't function very well at all on a daily basis and have great issues with traveling anywhere - taking days to recover from drives that are longer than the usual trip to the store or unusually stressful. I also lost my job as a result of this which has greatly impacted my ability to pay bills etc. I used to be smart (computer analyst) but am feeling pretty stupid these days.

Is there anything anyone can recommend to help with any of the issues PTSDs have? (I have them all) I prefer natural remedies but am open to medical and some other options with a few exceptions.

Thanks much

[Grama-Herc]

While I can not begin to comprehend your feelings or grief, I do know what it's like when you need to go out into the world and just can't.

I don't know if you have put a word or label on this feeling yet, but I have. It is a lovely word and took me forever to learn how to spell it. "Agoraphobia". Or simply put "Fear".

As I got worse, I also lost my job. But I was very blessed, I worked for my doctor and help was right there for me.

Shopping is a nightmare,and going anywhere is way to hard. Crowds are simply
unbearable and life in general is difficult to manage.

But, with the help of my meds and therapy I am doing much better these days.

The most important lesson I learned from my T. was that I was going to have
set backs and attacks would still happen. All I needed to do was learn "how" to
ride out the attacks and realize that I was not going to die from them.

Life, for me, without my meds is not an option. It is just to dangerous for me when I don't take them. I have discovered that the side effects can be managed, at least for me, by taking them every night before I got to bed. That seems to keep my med level at a point where I can still function and have a life. I just sleep through the hard parts.

Our traumas are different but we are not! Any time you need an ear there is always some one on line willing to listen and hopefully help in some small way.

Because------------------------------------We know how you feel!

[sunnydaze]

graebrahm,
What a terrible thing to go through. My heart goes out to you. Your doc would be the best one to recommend meds. I tried going off mine for 2 years and was getting worse with symptoms. I just started back on a pretty new one "Cymbalta". It has helped.
sunnydaze

[captrn1]

Hey graebrahm I feel for you and your horrible loss. You are headed in the right direction seeking help to talk about your issues. Just know that many of us here suffer from horrible happenings in our lives and with that we can help one another. Dont rule out meds, counceling, and support groups. It takes alot to live a "normal" life after events that turn your world upside down. Just know that we care.
Kel

[Cindy]

Just remember, while your symptoms are getting worse you are draining out the poison smoldering inside you. When it all gets into the open you can process it and put it on the shelf. Not that at times you won't take it back off the shelf to look at it again but the pain won't be so intense.

Once everything is put on the shelf things will begin to get better, never gone, but in a better perspective that you can handle. It's a journey with a lot of painful emotions. It takes a lot of courage and persistence. Pace yourself and recognize the small accomplishments along the way.

We all are here to help.

[graebrahm]

Gram, I too have great difficulty going out, shopping or otherwise. I don't know if it is in part due to the large amount of publicity my accident got but I do know that going places I went with the babies is still so hard - we went everywhere together, the only time I wasn't with them was the hours I was at work. I live rural so there aren't a lot of different places to go. It is also because of the driving thing. Lately my 3 year old - who we are very open with and is very smart - she knows about her sister and brother and a bit of what happened - will ask if daddy can drive because she doesn't want to go in the river. We didn't specifically tell her about my accident but she has heard so much and senses my fears. When she learned to talk she would say to me "mommy, don't fall down" when we were in the car going to the store. I didn't know why she said it until one day while driving near a river she said "mommy, don't fall down in the ocean" and pointed to the water. So smart - she put together what bits she heard us talking about and somehow knows my incredible fear. We have since had to explain things to her so she doesn't grow her own fears.

I have an appointment with my doctor to discuss meds again. I have to try something, can't go on like this. My husband had tried cymbalta and it helped him a lot - so thanks for the suggestion sunny.

Cindy, your description of the shelf is very poignant. I have always needed to have order in my life - organization, I'm talking my living and working space. Although things were not always in perfect order, if things started to get messy around me from day to day I'd have to stop and put things back in there place. Straighten my desk, cupboards or whatever. Since my accident, my surroundings are in complete chaos which has made it so hard to function. It's like I don't know where to start in putting things away - just too overwhelmed. I keep thinking if I can just get the house back in order it might help - such a parallel - something to think/talk about.

Thank you ALL for your caring and support.

[Jim]

My condolences on the loss of your precious little ones. Terrible thing to lose children, and in such a manner. Besides our son Brian last year - wife and I lost a baby son back in the 70s - stillborn. Difficult, not knowing how they would have turned out. At least, that is the worst for me, aside from the guilt of course. Still wonder about my son, he would be 32 now I believe. Take care. Jim.

[sunnydaze]

grae braum,
I can't get your story out of my mind. What a tragic loss. I lost 2 babies back in the 70's from miscarriage. My 1st one was a boy and I held him in my hands for awhile. I still dream of him and think of him, he would have been about 36 years old. I could not even comprehend what your loss could be like. Life just doesn't seem fair when there are so many people who do not want their children than things like this happen to you who, I'm sure loved uncondionally.
My ears are here for you if you feel like talking.
sunnydaze

[graebrahm]

Thank you sunny - I just don't know where to start in my life. I have been trying for 4.5 years to figure out how to take my next step or my next breath. My little girl (3)keeps me going - she is wonderful. It is still hard to look at her when I think about what the twins (girl/boy - Grae & Brahm) would be like now that they would be 5. I couldn't save them as hard as I tried and I keep imagining what they were thinking in the midst of all that horror in the river. I was right next to them in that car in the water - screaming or something - they knew I was there but I didn't fix it like I did everything else for them in their short 10 months. Not only did they die but they died knowing mommy didn't help them - I hope they know I tried with my life and was going with them if I wasn't sucked out. If they weren't in car seats they would have been sucked out too but I probably would have lost them anyway in that raging river.

Mine is a circumstance that (thankfully) most people can't relate to, but because of that so many friends - close friends - just avoid us because they don't know how to act or what to say. It gets pretty lonely. I was hoping maybe somebody from Katrina or other tragedy would be out there talking.

I'm not thrilled about meds and try to do as much naturally as I can - but I have had a tough year - my hubby was diagnosed with cancer in January, so I am going to the doctor next week to talk about starting an anti-depressant again - maybe one that doesn't stop me from crying like the other. I only found one ever that helped me much but I couldn't cry when I needed to - couldn't even well up a little - no release and that was bad. My husband tried cymbalta - they say it has an uplifting effect - but I tend to be a hyper person normally and wonder if that would be bad for me - will talk to my doc next week.

[Marine0311]

May God put his hands upon your heavy heart and your Husband.

[sunnydaze]

Please let me know if you received my P.M. as I am still unsure how this works
sunnydaze

[graebrahm]

Sunny - I got your message and request - answered both - hope I did it right. Please let me know if you get mine. Thank you.

Marine - God is the reason I am alive and typing to you now. I pray every day to be able to continue to forgive the people who's neglegence caused my unneccesary accident (it was NO fault of mine that it happened) and for peace - because for some reason with the PTSD - I don't have any peace. Thank you for your kind words and prayer - they are both very powerful.

By the way all - Grae and Brahm are the names of my precious twin babies (girl/boy) which is why my screen name is "graebrahm" - my name is Dawn - I'll answer to either.

[sunnydaze]

Dawn,
Yes, I got your message also. I was wondering how you came across your post name. Your babies names, how precious. I know in this forum, I am suppose to upbuild you and not dwell on the negative. However, I need to get over the shock that I feel for you. I again certainly have not been able to get you off my mind nor think of my own problems. May you find some comfort in knowing God has not forgotten them as you will neither.
sunnydaze:eek:

[lolabrigitta]

I am so sorry for your loss.


My husband had bad reactions to all meds and even tried a natural herb called Relora....this made him worse.......now he is on 5htp . This evens his moods. I am not sure if you can get that in the U.S.A. but you can check your drug stores and do online research. Hope this helps.

Lolabrigitta

[sunnydaze]

Dawn,
I tried to send you a 2nd pm but it wouldn't go through so I am posting it live.
Dawn,
I had 2 guiena pigs that lasted for 5 and 6 years. They died last year 4 days apart. This is what my husband and I turned to after the lost of his son was little critters that relied on us totally for survival. We spent quite abit of money on them buying them things just like a child. The one I dressed up in dresses and sun bonnets. Now we have a dog that we dress up and she totally loves it and we do too. It's a shame when you have to dress up your pets to get attention but it works. My dog is my baby and I don't know what I would do w/o her. I am to old to bear babies so pets are my babies. I have a 3 year old grandson also, he makes my day when I get to have him over. My grandson and dog is how I survive after all my traumas I have been through.
Please keep in touch, if there is anything I can say to help you, I am here for you.
sunnydaze

[graebrahm]

Lolabrigitta - I have not heard of this one and have been looking online. I can get it here in the states and think it would be worth a try. Do you know how much a day your husband is taking of the 5HTP? Just curious. Thanks.

[sunnydaze]

Gram,
You made me laugh when you talked about cooking your pigs. I hope your day has been a good day for you. I re-read the post of your 3 year old picking up on bits and pieces what she overheard of her bro and sis. Kids are smarter than we tend to give them credit for.
My 3 year old grandson was taught when there is a fire or smell smoke to run out of the house. Last night he did as was told. My daughters house caught fire. It wasn't a bad fire due to the quick reaction of my son-in-law and the 3 year old yelling for daddy to get out of the house. Being a gas dryer the house could have blown up. Lint caught behind the trap. Taught me a lesson to vacuum out once in awhile. I am very tired as I didn't much sleep last night and mentally drained but grateful it could have been much worse.
Take care,
sunnydaze

[graebrahm]

Sunny - I saw your post about the dryer. It scared me and when I left the house today my husband had something in the dryer with it running and I turned it off. Another thing to be careful of with the dryer if you use fabric softener sheets is that the softener can clog the mesh in the removeable filter. The heat "melts" the softener into the clothing and into the mesh as well. Take it out and run it under water and more than likely the water will pool on top of the mesh like it was solid instead of mesh. Just take a brush and soap and wash/rinse it until the water runs right through the mesh like it should. Thank God for little children.
I have seen some of your other posts as well and can see where a situation like mine could really hit home for what you have been through. When I delivered my second pregnancy (baby #3-TG) the nurses were even more amazing than at my first delivery - if that is even possible. They told me that they specifically remembered me when I delivered my twins because of what they see - so much heartache - that here was a couple that really, really wanted these babies and were so happy. They were thrilled to see two babies going home to a good family situation. When they heard I was delivering after the accident - they rolled out the red carpet at the hospital (so to speak). They were happy that we had another miracle.
I can't understand people treating anybody poorly especially an innocent child. It must cause you so much pain and confusion. Many things in this world don't make sense, we have to do our best to make sense out of them - if at all possible. Proud to have you as a friend - Sunny...

[sunnydaze]

Dawn
Thanks so much for the encouraging words and the tip of fabric softner sheets. I use to repair washers and dryers and the only tip about them was shared with me was to only use 1/2. If you use liquid softner use half of what is recommended. My daughter and son-in-law use sheets like they are going out of style. I will pass this on to them.
Yes, I have lived a very trouble life but do enjoy trying to help others so I hope I can be helpful to some on this forum and ease their pain even if it just alittle bit. This distracts me from my own problems and thoughts.
I am still abit dazed about what happened @ my daughters house but am blessed they are alive and nothing serious came out of it.
It took me many years to get pregnant w/ my daughter and I am grateful I have her.
You were truly blessed by having your 3rd child a little girl. They are so cute at that age.
Have a good day
sunnydaze