Severe Trauma - A Fight

[darkbright]

Hello everyone. This is the first time i am opening myself to the world. I am very depressed and have strong anxiety due to an event in my life. It all started few years back when one night i was deeply intoxicated and one of my friends suggested that i am gay. I was just not ready for such a comment. If i would not have been intoxicated i would have let it go as a joke and would have laughed on it. Rather i took it extremely seriously and had a verbal fight with my friend. That day changed my life forever. That day i felt like something is exploding in my brain. Since that day i have become shy and feel embarassment. Even though i feel shy in front of both men and women, i am more shy in front of men. Slowly, i have lost all of my friends, as i don't feel comfortable with them either. There is always a strong sense of fear and enxiety. I feel like people will think i am gay. Some people might suggest that i need to look into myself and find out my sexual orientation. The truth is I just don't feel attracted to men, and i know that i am strictly woman oriented man. I also don't think that it is wrong to be gay and i respect people regardless of their sexual orientation.

So the issue has more to do with broken self esteem and trauma, than sexual orientation. I just feel insecure. I just don't know how to forget that unfortunate day. Is it possible that due to high intoxication that night combined with the trauma has creates an unerasable, unforgettable experience. If you see the facts then all this does't make sense. Someone said something humiliating long time back and i am just not able to pass over it.

[rainbogrl4u]

Dear Darkbright,

I sense your pain and am so glad that you felt like you could share your thoughts here. I understand how words can reverberate in your brain and linger with you for years. I can still remember things spoken to me at seven years old and they haunt me to this day.
As to your sexuality, only you can answer that for yourself. A therapist once told me that all people fall somewhere on the scale between being gay and being straight, and that some are further towards one end than the other. And my life experience has shown that to be true. I myself am in the middle of the spectrum.
I certainly can understand how such a statement of questioning your sexuality can make you feel insecure and it challenges your own sense of self and personhood.
I encourage you to continue to talk about it with us here. You will find alot of understanding on the site. I hope that you continue to share with us.

Take care :)