Is This Negative Thinking, Denial or Both?

[spiritofnow]

I am struggling at the moment - struggling big time! I have lost my ability to be objective about myself. I could do with some major feedback. Your experiences or your ideas, or both!

I would like the Anthony, 'no nonsense approach', please! I reckon I need a good slap in the face to jolt me back into reality?

My feelings; A previous relationship, still friends, he is a good, good man. I found out he has another. He tried to protect me from it! I ran away the day I found out - it hit me really hard. However, I was the one who ended our relationship (5 times to be precise).

He tells me he still loves me, cares immensely about me, wants to support me as I do not have family support. But, because of how badly my issues effected us he is reconciled to the fact that we cannot be together.

He sends me a wonderful mail and I find the negative in it!
I have been away from him for 5 months and I have been Okay, even though I have been trying to heal.
I feel sick to my stomach that we have parted.
I realise I pushed him away (good old self fulfilling prophecy).
I realise I was scared to love a man (men have been my enemy).

Why do I hurt now 5 months down the line?
Have I been hiding from my feelings?
Have I been in denial about our break -up?
Did I skip town for 5 months (it feels like this at the moment).
Why am I struggling so bad?
Why do I only find the negatives in things at the moment?
Am I in auto pilot - permanently switched on to shutting my feelings out?
Or, the big one! Am I just realising that I am responsible for pushing away the things in my life that are genuinely good for me? - So have I learned one of the hardest lessons of my life?

Your experiences or similar would be most welcomed! :wink:

Thank you

Spirit x

[spiritofnow]

I have my answer!

I do not want this thread to be wasted though!

I did not realise I would find my answer until I wrote my questions on here. The thinking raised and the answers have just come pouring out!

You may disagree with what i have formulated for myself?

But here it is;

he said today; "why are you concentrating on my life and what is happening with it instead of yours?"

Because your life had become mine - it really had! And I miss that!

I have been in denial - that great big river of self deception. I have been in denial about why we are no longer together and about the fact that we are not!

I am coming out, emerging from the river and the cold hard reality of daylight is hitting me! I pushed away something so precious and wonderful and even though I did not know why, or perhaps that I was, I did it! And, now I am having to come to terms with that reality and your new relationship has forced me to see this and fess up to why I feel so unhappy about us not being together

There I said it - 'heal thyself', you said, and so I am! I f***** me over and made you feel miserable in the process and I need to understand this and see it for what it is so that I never make the same mistake again!

I am healing - I am getting there and I am learning my lessons - you hear me Universe I am learning. I ache inside from all of the learning, my heart feels heavy and my body feels weary, but I am learning. Thank you for my lesson, thank you for giving me the opportunity to find me in this muddled up 9 year old.

I am f-ing learning and I will be Okay - I will heal and I will grow - I am too many inches to mention, taller already!



I was in denial and have been for far too long! No more!



I hope this is not seen as self indulgent? I truly did need reflections and I would still love all your views and experiences. Perhaps, you have learned from me and what I have found out? I hope so?



Also, I must say this and I have tears in my eyes as I say it - thank you Anthony for being such a ball breaker, you have equally been a tough lesson for me. But I have learned it well! Thank you for this place and thank you for helping me find me! Your words are difficult for me at times as I feel them- I always feel and think much much later!



Spirit (blabbing out in the open)

[Seeking_Nirvana]

Hi spirit, Good for you! I'm glad to hear your coming to terms with yourself. This will get easier as you continue to work on yourself.

I think it is important to work on yourself first then find a partner.

While you are alone maybe you should give yourself a gift everyday. Light some candles and take a bubble bath. Or use aroma therapy and meditate. Make yourself your favorite dinner, and set the table like you would if you had company. Be good to yourself and you will start to love yourself.

Good luck!
Tammy

[sunnydaze]

Spirtofnow,
Wow, what a marvelous thread and post. I do see the healing in this forum with people like you. Hopefully, one day soon, I too can be that wise and understanding. It takes time and work. It sounds just like you said, you were in denial about your feelings and you finally came to grips with it and figured it out. Good job!
sunnydaze

[spiritofnow]

Thank you both for your observations and support it means a lot to me!

It certainly is a long old road to healing, but I believe that every breakthrough is all part of joining up all of the confused thinking that has stemmed from my trauma. Being honest with myself is the first step, as it is for all of us. The next step is coming to terms with the consequences of my actions, and then learning the lessons from them.

I feel sad that I have thrown away so much. However, I know that after the sadness fades I will have lots more opportunities in life to practice my new skills on :-)

I guess I had to take the risk to love him as I did otherwise I may not have learned this bittersweet lesson. I need to cherish me first so that I can cherish all of the other wonderful people that are in my life and will come into my life - just gotta put these words into practice now (hold on tight)...

I have to start believing I am worthy of being loved! I have to stop being afraid to take the risk of loving someone. I have to stop protecting myself to the point that I allow no one in - we all do!

Spirit x

[Cowgirl]

Love is terrifying, Spirit. The heart is vulnerable. Most of us have had our hearts ripped from our chests a time or two, if we live long enough. The next time you give your heart, it is a terrifying experience. And sometimes in the face of that, people turn tail and run for the hills.

It is a very good and wonderful thing that you are learning from this experience. You have learned something of immense value about yourself.

Bravo!!!!!!!

Cowgirl

[spiritofnow]

Thank you Cowgirl (love the name, btw).

Spirit x

[sisu]

Spirit,
I hope that I am not over-stepping here in the ptsd chat area, but I am just curious...

Could Ant have said or done anything to make you more trusting of his love for you? Or could he have done anything to make you feel you were worthy of his love?

I am glad that you are realizing that you are special and worthy of love ~ because you are! :Hug_emoticon: Yay spirit for realizing that!

Sisu

[spiritofnow]

Hey Sisu,

of course you have not over stepped the mark. I am happy to answer your questions......

Trusting of his love

Simple answer, NO!
I guess now in hindsight there could have been practical things that we could of done together after I was diagnosed. We could of researched PTSD together and embraced my journey. These strategies may have helped us both understand what to expect. Additionally, it may have referenced some of my reactions and behaviour's towards him. That may of made my behaviours feel less personal to him, less of a reaction to him as a person, and more about where I was coming from.

I guess it was always up to me to be more trusting of his love - I could not! I was not ready! I did not know that I did not trust him. I believed my feelings and reactions were correct. I distrusted his love because of my preoccupation with protecting myself - that includes protecting myself from assumptions that I made rather than hard facts. The what 'if' scenarios.

Worhty

Another big fat no! Again this was and is still up to me. How can you instil self-esteem in someone who believes that they are unworthy of anything good? I did not love me so I was never going to be able to accept his love - I would instead be suspicious of it.

Faciltate

Your questions obviously depend on where the person is in their healing? I was not ready at the time, and we did not make it to where I am now because I ended it. He grieved and has now moved on (well he says he has not actually moved on, but he is continuing to live his life). Too much damage was done and being together now is not an option. I have too much healing to do! Who knows what the future holds, but for now, in the here and now I realise that it would complicate things. I am still not ready even though I desperately want to be. Now he says he can offer me all of the things he felt he could not when we were together.

So all in all it depends on the individual who is healing, what they are healing from, how much PTSD has affected them and where they are in the healing process?

I would love to say yes to both of your questions, and I wish that being loved where as simple as receiving someone's love and accepting it for what it is. Unfortunately, I believe that being ready for love means that you have to at least feel that for yourself, and until the route cause(s) of your trauma(s) have been exposed and thrashed around until they have less weighting on your life that love is hard to let in. Not for everyone, but at least me!

When I first came on here I wanted to find the same answers you are looking for. I wanted to believe that love would conquer all. And you know what? It will one day when I have learned to like and love me. Then there will be no stopping me and I will love and be loved like I have never before!!!!

Spirit xxx

[Roo]

I have to start believing I am worthy of being loved! I have to stop being afraid to take the risk of loving someone. I have to stop protecting myself to the point that I allow no one in - we all do!

Spirit x

Bingo, bang-on, bulls-eye -- you hit the nail on the head, Spirit! That's it!

Once upon a time (OK...1986), I was at a very intense therapy training, and one of the exercises was for us to imagine that our primary defense mechanism was a toy. I was so proud of myself, 'cause I invented the most dastardly, deadly, fail-safe ICE BALL. It had deep-freeze spikes that would instantly freeze to death anyone who got too close. It had a zillion other weapons (can't recall what they were now), and the facilitators of the workshop gave me "top marks" for the most impenetrable defense. At the time, I was so proud of myself. Now...I see that as a decidedly mixed blessing...

Just last night I was experimenting with some imagery while cuddled with my husband on the couch. We were watching a movie and he had his arm/hand across my chest. I thought the word "Receive" ... and chose to feel his hand, his energy, in contact with me. Amazing! There was a certain kind of warmth that I sensed radiating at our point of contact. I said nothing to my man...but later, in bed, I also tried it by putting my own hand over my heart and whispering "Receive ... receive ..." to myself. WOW.

We're finally feeling a thaw, eh?

The thing about love...no matter who it's shared with...it'll break our hearts. Guaranteed. Break them open...break them down...break them through...

It happens with anyone, human or otherwise, whom you allow yourself to love. I think of all the people I've loved and who have loved me ... some are now dead ... and all the cats I have adored ... several have gone ... There are some souls I miss so much that every once in a while could chew off my own arm, I want to touch them, see them, smell them, hold them so bad. But my god, it's all so worth it. Nothing else matters like this. To love and be loved. It's ultimately what has kept me sane and alive. My husband has asked me this question -- "What got you through??" -- several times, almost as if he's been asking me to hone a response -- whittle it down to the essential. Bottom line? = Love.

Not long ago I read these words of Leonard Cohen in a new way:

Forget your perfect offering!
Ring the bells that still can ring.
There's a crack in everything --
That's how the light gets in.

The realization I had was "Of course! There has to be a crack...!" That's how the light gets in.

Wow, wow, wow...and what the hell, I thought: it's bound to happen, that cracking...I mean, after all, I'm 49 years old...done a little living... :wink:

Thanks, Spirit...sounds like you are going through a major Spring growth spurt! :occasion:

[spiritofnow]

Not long ago I read these words of Leonard Cohen in a new way:

Forget your perfect offering!
Ring the bells that still can ring.
There's a crack in everything --
That's how the light gets in.

The realization I had was "Of course! There has to be a crack...!" That's how the light gets in.

Wow, wow, wow...and what the hell, I thought: it's bound to happen, that cracking...I mean, after all, I'm 49 years old...done a little living... :wink:

Thanks, Spirit...sounds like you are going through a major Spring growth spurt! :occasion:

I love this, love it, love it love it! Love, love, love!

Spirit x

[sisu]

Roo..
I love that....it is so true and makes total sense. Thank you!

Sisu