Cowgirl
17-04-2008, 08:53 AM
Howdy, all!
I've been doing a lot of reflecting on the dynamics in my relationship with my DH, and I would appreciate some feedback.
I have abandonment issues from a past marriage. I thought I had largely worked through them, but clearly I have work yet to do.
My DH has a deep-seated fear of rejection. In his past he drove pretty much every single human being out of his life, due to PTSD, and he delved deeply into the abyss. I think he now fears that people "abandon" him due to his issues - that is a nutshell version of what he's told me. When he is rational and we have discussed his anger and rages, he has expressed a deep fear of driving me away also.
We seemingly now have an entrenched pattern, a dysfunctional dance, if you will. He ramps up and gets angry. If one of us does not successfully re-direct him, the next thing he does is threaten to leave me. I try very, very, very hard not to take this personally, not to believe that he really will leave, not to take it on its face. Sometimes I am successful. Other times, my weaker times, it cuts deep, bringing up my old abandonment issues that I previously thought were healed and gone. And then, I cry.
My reaction, then, in turn, is a REWARD for him, perversely, I think. He feels needed, wanted, validated - the opposite of rejection. He does not get this reward every time, but often enough to actually encourage the behavior. I recall from college psychology that periodic reinforcement is actually a more powerful motivator than reinforcement each time a behavior is performed.
And I think that whole dynamic is one reason why it helps hugely when I use the distance solution to rages and LEAVE him alone for a time after he blows up. When I can manage that, none of this happens.
One very telling thing about this past weekend was the HURT he expressed later: he kept repeating that I wanted him to leave. What actually happened is he threatened to leave again, and this time I agreed he'd be happier if he did so. He did not get the positive reward he was seeking? I don't know that he actually rationally thinks about this and seeks to make me cry - it isn't like that - I think this is a more subconscious motivator.
I don't know if I'm on target here or not. I'd appreciate feedback.
Thanks!
Cowgirl
I've been doing a lot of reflecting on the dynamics in my relationship with my DH, and I would appreciate some feedback.
I have abandonment issues from a past marriage. I thought I had largely worked through them, but clearly I have work yet to do.
My DH has a deep-seated fear of rejection. In his past he drove pretty much every single human being out of his life, due to PTSD, and he delved deeply into the abyss. I think he now fears that people "abandon" him due to his issues - that is a nutshell version of what he's told me. When he is rational and we have discussed his anger and rages, he has expressed a deep fear of driving me away also.
We seemingly now have an entrenched pattern, a dysfunctional dance, if you will. He ramps up and gets angry. If one of us does not successfully re-direct him, the next thing he does is threaten to leave me. I try very, very, very hard not to take this personally, not to believe that he really will leave, not to take it on its face. Sometimes I am successful. Other times, my weaker times, it cuts deep, bringing up my old abandonment issues that I previously thought were healed and gone. And then, I cry.
My reaction, then, in turn, is a REWARD for him, perversely, I think. He feels needed, wanted, validated - the opposite of rejection. He does not get this reward every time, but often enough to actually encourage the behavior. I recall from college psychology that periodic reinforcement is actually a more powerful motivator than reinforcement each time a behavior is performed.
And I think that whole dynamic is one reason why it helps hugely when I use the distance solution to rages and LEAVE him alone for a time after he blows up. When I can manage that, none of this happens.
One very telling thing about this past weekend was the HURT he expressed later: he kept repeating that I wanted him to leave. What actually happened is he threatened to leave again, and this time I agreed he'd be happier if he did so. He did not get the positive reward he was seeking? I don't know that he actually rationally thinks about this and seeks to make me cry - it isn't like that - I think this is a more subconscious motivator.
I don't know if I'm on target here or not. I'd appreciate feedback.
Thanks!
Cowgirl