Family Not Willing to Understand PTSD and You

[moog]

Have any of you had a family member refuse to understand what you are going through? Which caused problems with your relationship? ie. refuses to talk unless it's on his/her terms.

[upstream]

Yes. I moved out.

"Beauty is in the eye of the beholder; Mental Illness is in the eye of the controller."

[Cindy]

OH MAN. I think my brother is the worst. "Just get over it" but don't tell me anything about it. My sister and mom recognize I have hard days but don't get why or understand the hard. They don't really want to know any details and will just turn the conversation back to them.

One thing I have figured out is they are in denial and have a lot of guilt because none of them kept an eye on me when I was abused and it was their responsibility. So they can't accept that it happened, although they don't come right out and say that.

As far as my relationships go with them, from my perspective the relationships are all superficial on many levels. I've learned not to trust them with my feelings and thoughts because they only ignore them or deflect them back on me as a weakness.

They on the other hand believe we are so 'close'. HAH! What a mask I wear.

[sunnydaze]

Cindy,
Good post. My PTSD is not discussed either. My daughter just says " Oh mom". She likes to bring up the things, I did wrong bringing her. She knows how I watched over her to make sure she would never be abused sexually.

Any boyfriend I had, I would lurk around the corner watching. I taught her as a very young child about touching unapproiately and being aware of her surroundings when away from me. If I didn't succeed in being the mom she thought I should have been, I was always watching out for her more than she realized. Maybe, one of these days I will share with her my past. She knows somethings but not all. Cindy once again you are a good writer.
sunnydaze

[sunnydaze]

moog,
Sometimes your good friends are more willing to be compassionate to your past than your family
sunnydaze

[lrs]

Good post.
No, they were not willing to understand, but I also know those were hard times for us.
My family of origin showed the most understanding, b/c they lived the same nightmare I did growing up.
My extended family, aunts, uncles, people I looked up to were caring on one hand, intolerant and mean on the other hand. One uncle said "weak minded". I try to stay away from him, though I idolized him while growing up.
My current Dr, specialty is addictionology, does not want to hear about it.
This is about the only place I talk about PTSD.
That is why I am really gratefull for this forum.

[lolabrigitta]

Unfortunately , yes Moog I have. I sent reading material and still haven't heard from them. Unless they live in the same household, it is hard for others to grasp. (they live far, Ottawa) . I try to encourage them to call hubby but, it is difficult if they pick a day he doesn't want to talk on the phone.

If your situation is different and you can see family regularily......you can give them reading material.... or even this website ( don't know of any other website) so they can read and try to grasp/absorb. Takes time....

Lola

[2quilt]

Those people who refuse to understand or have compassion for what I went through are off my christmas card list. I do not associate with them at all. Life is too short to hit your head against the wall trying to convince people that you are hurting. They can't / won't / or deny your pain because they don't feel it. It does not exist for them.

Instead, make a new family. I understand.

Your long-distance cousin,
2quilt

[Jim]

Pains me once more to see so many of you with family unwilling to step up to the plate. My daughter has PTSD, deceased son also had it. Wife and I would do anything for either of them. Jim.

[moog]

Thank you for all the replies, they were very helpful.

[Cindy]

When I first broke apart my daughter was about 4 or 5. That is when I had clinical depression which really became chronic. After that I was a different person. As she put it when she was 17, it was like she lost her 'old' Mom. I know reflecting back I became emotionally dead - everything I tried to give was fake, I thought my pretense was undetected. It was the beginning of the PTSD but not diagnosed.

As I raised her and provided her with a home, opportunities I never had, and a mom like I never had, - I did the best that I could while functioning like a robot. When she was 9 I had another breakdown, this was the toughest on us all. I was in a pit and empty - became anorexic for three years. I lost 85 lbs and was smaller than my adolescent daughter. All was done in silence, but could not be denied by observation. That is when the memories came flooding back of my childhood abuse. I was horrified.

Now you can figure out where I was for the next 12 years of therapy.

How it affected my daughter though. She feels I deserted her when she was 5 and that I wasn't there for her growing up. I don't think that is totally true but I do admit my mind was often elsewhere. I always tried to be there for her regardless of where I was at. I stuffed, put myself away, and addressed the present with her. She was the center of my world and the only thing keeping me alive.

After her father dropped dead when she was 16 it became living hell with her. She was so angry at everything and it was all directed at me. She became totally abusive to me and cut me out of her life even though we lived together. When she was 18 at the end of her Freshman year of college I had to kick her out of the house to live with her Step Mom because we were harming eaching other beyond return. We didn't speak for about half a year.

Today she is 22, we have regained a close relationship on her terms. She is still judgemental and lacks understanding of the whole picture. I walk on eggshells around her and have learned to have no expectations of her in response to my needs. This hurts me but it is how it is.

I would say, My PTSD totally colored our lives together beyond either of our control. The timing sucked but you can't pick when these things will happen.

I know there was tremendous support, love and good times beyond what I had growing up but she doesn't remember that and focuses on the bad and what she didn't have from her perception (not reality which is based on everyone elses perceptions - therapist, my mom, my two closest friends).

Unfortunately, I have to accept it and hope that time will reveal to her the reality as she matures and recognizes her past more clearly.

[lrs]

Cindy I can sure relate to your story.
Even with the things I have learned and the things I have done for the past 4 years, it is still difficult to sort things out sometimes.
To be sure, I have made significant mistakes, and the ones I love the most paid a price. And I am responsible for my actions and my mistakes.
But at the same time, PTSD IS VERY VERY VERY real. This disorder so altered my thinking and my identity, I was not capable of doing things differently than what I did. I'm just gratefull that those days are now behind me.

[nic]

Well, the family members I've told TRY to be supportive. However, my mom refers to the rape as "that thing that happened," and when my brother found out, the first thing he did was buy a gun. Enough said?!

I think, like Cindy said, their not-so-helpful attitudes about my trauma are the result of thier own guilt and inability to cope. This is also why I have yet to tell other family members, even those who I know will be supportive, as I don't want to put any emotional strain on them.

[Cindy]

Another thought, what difference would it make if they did accept their responsibility. It wouldn't change what happened. They then may offer
"sympathy" not empathy. - WHICH I DON'T WANT FROM THEM!

I don't need to add their burdens onto my own.

It's almost better the way it is. One sufferer without any strings dangling.

[Jim]

Perhaps many family would offer sympathy Cindy. However. Not all. Certainly I have not felt pity for my daughter, though I love and support her. Fact is, our daughter admits she is far further along in her recovery with family support than she would have been without. Good family and friends, other carers, if one is fortunate to have them, are a huge help in recovery in my humble opinion. Jim.

[moog]

I've come to a bit of a road block. The family member in question is my Father, we used to be very close.

I have attempted to explain to him what I'm going through and what PTSD is. He had just looked at it that I am "stressed" and that I need to talk about it; so he tries to force me to. Which causes an argument and it turned into a big fight. I tried explaining to him that it is more complicated than just stress and that I'm not comfortable talking to him about the things that are bothering me. Well for one, I can't remember some of it any way. He basically responded that he's not willing to understand what I'm going through until I'm willing to talk to him. And he blames the military on changing me, so he doesn't understand me any more.

So I tried explaining how I felt to my Mother and gave some information on PTSD, I also asked her to talk to him about it. She said she will but it also seems like she doesn't think it is as big a deal. Now it seems like they both think I need "space" and my Father is to pig headed to call. When ever I think about it, to attempt to call and resolve things; my anxiety gets worse because I feel like I'm being forced into resolving the situation. I've talked to my therapist about it and the solution wasn't helpful; I'm working on a replacement.

Have any of you had similar problems with family members? If you did, how did you resolve it?

Thanks.

[Cindy]

Moog:

They seem willing to try and understand but you are not giving the benefit of the doubt. It sounds like they want to listen to you.

IMO - I would try to engage in a conversation with them where you can set the limits and identify what you wish to share with them upfront. This will be a start. Right now, if I were them I think I would feel cut off from you by your choice.

If you truly want them behind you, you have to start somewhere. You have to decide what that will be. Try to explain it in terms they will relate with or understand from their own experiences in their lives.

[becvan]

One thing I have learned is that my definition of family understanding PTSD and theirs are completely different. I had higher expectations. I felt that had to know exactly what it was and be able to talk about it in detail. I felt they were supposed to be always willing to be my shoulder to cry on and to react to me the way I thought they should.

I have learned how unreasonable this really is. My family does not have a clue what PTSD means shy of I get stressed easily and react funny. They have no idea of what the healing process consists of. They often are not my shoulder to cry on and rarely ever react they way I think they should.

I have learned that my absolutes only alienate them and me. That absolutes do not work in the real world. (Absolutes I consider to be terms like unconditional love, understanding etc.) I have learned that every one reacts and varies on how they deal with things.

I have learned that they accept that I get stressed easily and I react funny. I have learned that they accept that I am trying to get better and they support me in this journey, despite not understanding it in detail. I have learned they love me in their way and that they show it the best they can.

I have learned to relax my control issues by not demanding unreasonable expectations of them. I have learned to accept the love, support and understanding they do give me and to be grateful for it.

bec

[Bulldog36]

I have a simular situation to yours as well, my parents dont think its a big deal and I need to get over it. When they are compassionate, which is not often they tell me, you are strong, you can get past this. They make me feel pretty bad. I talked to my T about this for the first time and he was great. he told me to have them call him and he will explain it to them, let them know im ill and im not going to just get over it. maybe your T would do that for you.Just for point of refrence Im in my 40's so not a youngster anymore :wink:

[dshanks]

I do not even dare to tell what is left of my family that I have PTSD. I learned a long time ago that they never took me seriously anyways. My sister would call me a hypochondriac. I have no contact with my immediate family as a result

[Cindy]

One thing I have learned is that my definition of family understanding PTSD and theirs are completely different.

I had higher expectations. I felt that had to know exactly what it was and be able to talk about it in detail.

I have learned to accept the love, support and understanding they do give me and to be grateful for it.

bec

I agree 100% with these statements bec made. They will probably never get it but if they are willing to let you share your struggles with them now and again and listen, it helps. I also have lowered my expectations of my family about them really helping me other than being a sounding board.

Two family members I have learned are not beneficial to share with and I choose not to share with them. However my sister and daughter at times can be very good listeners and offer feedback that sometimes helps. They don't understand the complexity or the source of the emotions but they can offer ways to look at things differently.

I've learned to take what I can get and accept that. I have also learned they are not always receptive to what I need or willing to listen. But when they are it feels good. So I take what I can get and accept that is their limits.

Family not being able to understand is not a reflection of how much they love you. It is only their personal limits and there is nothing you can probably do to change that. Accept it for what it is regarding yourself and your expectations of them. But understand they do care for you but are unable to cross that bridge with you for whatever reasons they may have.