My Husband is Getting Worse - What Can I Do?

[heartbroken]

Is it common for PTSD sufferers to lavish attention on the child who wasn't around for the trauma, while being unusually hard on the family members who were? My husband seems wonderful with my little girl, who was born about a year after he returned from Iraq. But my older son seems to get on his nerves almost as much as I do. But I'm by far the most abrasive to him. I feel like everything I do gets on his nerves, some days more so than others. I really thought it was getting better - the other day he actually sat down and talked to me about what happened to him while in Iraq and how it affected him, which he had never talked about before. I thought that was a huge step. But then today he came home from work, and it seemed that everything I said caused him to either ignore me or get irritated with me. I gave him a little time to himself, thinking maybe that would help. Then I went into the bedroom to talk to him about it and he flew into a rage almost immediately. He said I had no idea what was going on in his head, (he's right about that, but I'm trying) and I needed to shut the f*** up about it. I told him I was just trying to fix our marriage, and he got mad, punched a hole in the wall, screamed a few obscenities at me, and screeched away in his truck. Now I'm sitting here praying he doesn't get into an accident because he drives very aggressively when he's like this. And I don't know if I should try calling his cell, or if that will make everything worse. I feel like he connects well with my youngest daughter, possibly because he doesn't equate her with what was probably the worst part of his life. But I'm starting to wonder if my son and I are safe here with him. I'm also starting to wonder if this is a good environment for two small children. I don't want them to grow up thinking that this is a normal marriage. At the same time, I don't want to leave him while he is being treated for this - I'm sure it would make things worse for him if the kids and I were not in his life. He's told me so himself.

Has anyone been in a similar situation? If so, how did you handle it? Or maybe someone who is in HIS situation can give me some insight into what he's thinking? I'm totally at a loss here - any advice would be greatly appreciated.

[Nicolette]

Thinking of you Heartbroken. Don't know what to say though :rolleyes:

[2quilt]

Heartbroken,
I would remind him that he was not feeling this bad before Iraq, and that maybe he needs psychological help to get past his feelings. He is not weak for seeking help now; war is too difficult for gentle people to go through unscathed, and you want your husband back. If not for your sake, do it for your son's. Imagine how he sees daddy's anger, but he can't understand it. Children blame themselves for the anger of adults because they can't understand adult concepts and emotions.

Try to get him into either the VA psych or a civilian psychologist as soon as possible. I am a 100% service-connected disabled Desert Storm veteran. I have PTSD, but what your husband went through was far worse than my war.

When he is calm, tell him that next time he gets angry, to talk to you, but not break objects or drive. Make those ground rules for arguments. Keep saying you love him, and you trust him, and he should trust you with his thoughts. No human being should see what he did over there, and no, you don't 'understand' because you weren't there, but you want to show him that you care. He is home now, so it's safe to open up about what happened.

2quilt

[Cowgirl]

You need to set firm boundaries, in my honest opinion. You probably have very good boundary setting skills as you have two small children (my skills were rusty, as my toddler rearing days were many years ago). You need to use those skills with your DH. In my experience, the PTSD sufferer will test every boundary you set (I'm sure that varies - just my experience).

When he is calm, you need to talk to him. Tell him that hitting walls, breaking things, throwing things, are absolutely not acceptable to you. Tell him that if he does it again, you will get the children and leave for a few hours or a few days. Tell him if he hits anything CLOSE to you or the children, you view that as threatening and you will call the police. Then, if he does it again, follow through on enforcing the boundary.

Venting is one thing. Crossing the line into physical threats / violence is a completely different and unacceptable behavior. It has happened only once with us (so far - I do not discount the possibility of him trying it again to see if he gets a "better" reaction from me). Boundaries must be set that are clear and completely unambiguous. What seems clear to you may not be clear to the person with PTSD, so try to articulate EXACTLY what the boundary is, and the consequences.

I find it very helpful to leave when my DH starts raging. He picks very bad times on occasion to put the distance solution into practice, but I think it is one of the most helpful things I do, to leave for at least a few hours and give him time to collect himself. I now have a list of stores in a nearby town that are open 24 hours per day. I keep that list in my purse, so that I can have somewhere to go for a few hours no matter when the trouble starts.

Since you have children to consider, I think it would be better for THEM not to witness the worst of their father's behavior also. And, since you have children, you may want to consider where you can take them, depending on the time of day. Clearly, taking the children shopping at midnight is NOT a good option! Are there friends you could turn to? Family? Think about all your available options.

It seems to me that once you set a boundary, you MUST enforce it every single time, religiously. The boundary will get tested, likely. If you don't enforce it every single time in the same way, the behavior worsens.

I hope I don't sound like a tired parent rather than a spouse. But it seems to me that during rages, the PTSD sufferer is more like an out-of-control toddler than the rational adult you married. I don't say that to be mean, honestly. So please, to those with PTSD who read this, please don't think I'm belittling anyone. It is just that ... as a mom and as a wife, I find that the boundary setting for rages is very reminiscent of what I had to do so many years ago with a toddler who threw temper tantrums at the store. It does not really resemble more "normal" interactions with another adult.

Just my two cents,

Cowgirl