New Member - Old to PTSD and Would Love Some Ideas

[Leslie]

Hi Everyone,
I'm new here but was diagnosed with PTSD in 1984. Reasons for the diagnosis: violent childhood, Dad always trying to kill himself, raped at 16 by 6 men, Dad completed suicide and my brother followed. I've been in recovery since 1979 and have spent a lot of time in and out of therapy as needed.

The thing is, I still have strong reactions to situations involving people I care for.This also extends into my jobs. I tend to continue to be mistrustful, and I get angry easily. I notice that other people don't fire up like I do and I'm so tired of this happening to me.

At this point I'm afraid to even try to make friends. Eventually I loose these friendships. It's so subtle I hardly notice my reactions to things until after a loss.
I've read some good books, done a lot of therapy..some EMDR.
I've even taught assertivness training and done classes on PTSD and trauma. I don't anymore.

I'm wondering if other folks have experienced this kind of thing...almost 35 years after the traumas happened.
It feels like it's in my bones and I'll never be able to change it.
Right now I'm going through one of these losses and I'm sitting back looking at my reactions/responses. Very unclear about certian things.
So very tired of going through this.
Any good ideas? books? things to try?
thanks,
Leslie

[upstream]

In certain business environments it's probably better not to trust.

I've read the REBT therapy has been successful for dealing with and preventing anger. Since you are not happy with your reactions to events in your life, REBT would probably be a good fit. It works do address and change all of that.

Welcome to the forum Leslie!

[Roo]

I'm wondering if other folks have experienced this kind of thing...almost 35 years after the traumas happened.
It feels like it's in my bones and I'll never be able to change it.
Leslie

Hi, Leslie...welcome...

Your post really resonates with my experience. I'm 49 years old; the first twelve years of my life were full of trauma, and I started my own path of resolution in 1982 -- 26 years ago now. I know I've come a long, long way...and there are injuries -- to my brain, mind, and soul -- that I'm coming to accept may never heal completely. This is most probably because I experienced premature birth to a mother addicted to alcohol and was in an infant-ICU for the first three months of my life (in 1959). It went on from there...and here I am. Sane for sure, battle-scarred -- all over. Still scared shitless and scraping the ceiling on occasion? You bet. AND -- I've come so far. I've worked my soul into a sweat at times. I think that healing -- to experience yourself as whole -- takes a lifetime...

The longer-term effects (like ours, measuring decades)...I feel them very deep inside -- as you wrote, "It feels like it's in my bones." I'm at a point now where my work is primarily to organize my life so that all that I'm left with can rest. I don't have any battle left in me, really. This does not mean that I want to give up or die; it means that I choose not to fight myself any longer. I am who and what I am in some respects...and in many, many others, change is always happening.

Leslie, take a look at the work of Peter Levine -- his book, Waking the Tiger, is brilliant and so helpful -- his work is very body-based.

Believe me, you're not alone in what you feel, or in the fact that 35 years after the fact, you still feel haunted. I believe that you'll be able to change or modify (I think of it as "gentling") some things, and that others are woven into your whole being --> so many survivors of trauma say things like "It's in my bones"; "It's in my cells"; "It's deeper than I can express"...there seems to be a real commonality to this experience. Towards those aspects, compassionate awareness and acceptance are the best medicine...

I'm learning to be kind towards myself, and to allow certain aspects to just be. Somehow, I've always held sacred my sense of wonder and awe about life. I'm dipping into that daily, because it reminds me of all that is good...and there is so much good in the world...despite the other side of things, which we know all too well.

You've found a good place here.

Roo :smile:

[Cindy]

Hi Leslie, welcome.

I have been diagnosed with PTSD for 15 years. I believe it will be a life long struggle. At this point I think it is finding a balance in life through management of the symptoms. Being able to figure out what you need at the time and getting it for yourself or asking someone to help you get what you need.

As symptoms overtake us I think we need to acknowledge that and address it either through research, as you are doing, or therapy. There are many alternatives to utilize to help manage the symptoms as you can find in the information section on this forum.

I agree with Roo, some triggers will just always be and if we can't short circuit our response to them then we need to accept it as part of us and manage from there. PTSD can be very disruptive to our lives but with careful planning and sensitivity to ourselves we can reduce the frequency and level of the disruptions. That is what I believe.

This forum is a great source of support and information. People are willing to share their strategies and relate with the feelings we have. Stick with it.

Cindy