Thank You and Good Bye

[unbroken]

I think my girlfriend has more problems than I can take on, so I ended it with her tonight. I thought I'd be more upset, but I think I'm okay.

I fell in love with her, but she has been getting worse lately and I guess I got kind of fed up with how she's been treating me. I won't elaborate because I don't want to offend anyone, or disrespect her.

I'll miss her, sure, but I just don't think she's well enough to be in a relationship right now. I truly felt she was my soulmate, but I can't be anyone's doormat.

Thanks to those of you who had nice things to say to me, I truly appreciate your help and kind words.

Be well....
-Unbroken heart....

[becvan]

Unbroken,

Although I'm truly sad to see you go, I'm very pleased that you refuse to be a doormat. No one should be. Some of us just are not ready for relationships, some of us know that, some don't.

Be well, treat yourself well. I wish the best for you. It has truly been a pleasure.

bec

[Nicolette]

Unbroken - my heart goes out to you! I have admiration for your willingness and how you tried to be there. Lucky girl I say; it's a pity she's not well.

You are right however, and you do not deserve to be treated like a door mat.

Wishing you all the very best :Hug_emoticon:

[spiritofnow]

That is a difficult one!

I do hope you will be okay? You have addressesed your boundaries and that is positive for you and her. She may have her breakthrough now? If she is ready? I hope she realises that it is more than likely the consequences of her behaviour that have lead to this?

I feel a bit angry! Angry about how trauma causes so many issues - too many broken hearts, too many casualties...........It's a tough old road!

You tried to love her unbroken and that is a wonderful gift!

I will be sad to see you go! :mad: But, I am happy to have shared some of your journey ;-)

Spirit x

[unbroken]

Thank you. I know I've made mistakes, but it just seems she is very unforgiving. I guess I'm just not the right guy for her, if anyone is. I tried, and I learned a lot, but it seems she has a problem with everyone around her and lately I've been included in that mix.

I guess I'm not as patient and understanding as I thought I was, because when I get painted into a corner I do get a little defensive.

thanks for the kind words....

[Nicolette]

I guess I'm not as patient and understanding as I thought I was, because when I get painted into a corner I do get a little defensive.

Two people make a relationship - not just one so the responsibility has to be shared.

While you may have your faults, we all do Unbroken, and it is natural to be defensive if painted into a corner. I think you could ease up on yourself a bit as from what you've written you come across as a pretty decent guy in my books!

[unbroken]

Thank you, Nicolette. I'm sure she'd tell a very different story right about now! I feel bad, because I really do care for her, but for the past couple weeks I've been drained and wondering if I should end it with her. I thought that she was 'the one' because we had so much in common, but she's been so angry lately that it has been very difficult for me to deal with.

I'm a bit sad, but know that I have to do what's right for me, too.

thanks...

[Nicolette]

While I hate to sound corny, perhaps walking away make help your girlfriend find a little perspective.

I personally don't believe having a break helps as if you can't work it out while you are in it things aren't going to get any better being apart (avoidance if you ask me). However, that said, it does not mean it that it wont work for you.

It sounds to me you are still in love Unbroken or perhaps it is just disappointment that you thought you found something but it ended up being different to what you had thought.

Whatever the outcome, take care!

[unbroken]

Well, I don't hate her, and part of me still loves her for who she is inside, but she hasn't been that person for a while now. I realize that her PTSD is a big part of it, but there never seems to be a good time to talk about how I feel because she gets upset whenever things aren't in her favor.

The source of a lot of our recent problems is that we make plans and they always get changed multiple times because of one thing or another, and she expects me to be okay with that every time. Most of the time it's hours, but sometimes it's days, and it gets old. If I say something she throws the whole "you obviously don't understand what I'm going through" routine at me. I'm very much aware of what she's going through, but at what point can I voice my feelings about it without getting chastized for it?

One day she wanted me to be at her house at 4, I got there at 4:05 and she wasn't there, when I called her, she complained that I was late. Another time I got there 5 minutes early, and thought to myself, "watch her complain about me being early". Sure enough, she gave me grief for being early. I started to feel like I just can't win with her...and if I say something she always says, "I was just kidding".

Yes, I felt a very strong connection with her as we shared so much in common. I just don't think she's been very fair to me.

[Cowgirl]

Unbroken,

Her behavior as you describe it is very much PTSD when it is out of control. Everything and anything can potentially set off the anger. It is powerfully difficult to deal with it and ride out the rough spells. You are right that you should not allow yourself to be mistreated. It is difficult to set and maintain boundaries of acceptable behavior with a PTSD partner - it is a lot of WORK, actually. Sometimes, even if you have been with the person a long time, it is still difficult to look past the PTSD behavior and see the good person still there, struggling to find a way out into the open again.

I don't know how anyone could form a lasting relationship with a person who was in the midst of a down phase of PTSD early in the relationship. Your relationship is too new to make it through the months that it may be before it gets better again.

Perhaps you will learn and grow from this relationship. Perhaps it will not be wasted.

Best wishes to you,

Cowgirl

[Murphy's Law]

My heart goes out to you Unbroken. My husband of 5 years left me six months after I lost my hand. He had been there through the "incident", watched and experienced it from the sidelines, and it was still too rough for him. I admit it was very bad in those first few months. I had a bad case of why me's and no one understands. He probably needed to get out just to survive himself. And honestly, it gave me the kick in the butt I needed to realize how bad it had gotten.
I guess what I am struggling to say is, I know its rough, and the guilt must be overwhelming, but you have to take care of yourself first. It wouldnt be fair to either of you if you didnt.
I agree with Spiritofnow, it is awful how many casualties there are. How many lives and hearts are broken.
But of course no one deserves to be treated like that. And although I am not perfect, at least now I know when I do something like that, I know enough to recognize, stop and apologize. It doesnt sound like she is quite there yet. It took me a long time and a good therapist to see it for myself. I hope it is a begining of a turn for her, cause it is hard to be there.
I have a hard time getting my point across in these things. I guess, take care of yourself, stay strong, and be proud of how honest you have been able to be with yourself about it.

[unbroken]

Thanks, all. I wasn't sure how she felt about it all but she emailed me and told me that she was still in love with me. So we both talked for a while this morning and she didn't want it to be over. I'll talk with her more tonight and see how it goes, it's difficult because she initially feels that our argument was all my doing, and she doesn't understand that her comments are sometimes hurtful.

Her SIL wanted to talk to me, she was very encouraging and told me the whole family was 'rooting' for me because I was the first "normal" guys she's dated in a long time. I didn't know it, but I guess they all talked about me being in her life and said they all noticed that she was finally happy after so many months of being angry. The last guy had beat her up and that send her into depression and anger.

Her SIL and I talked for a while and she told me a few more things about her that I didn't know, and the other side to many of the stories where I only heard one side. I had wondered what the family thought of me, given her past, and I was told they all hope I would become a part of the family. Although they know it's a tough situation they really feel like I'm the right guy for her, and want to help me in any way they can because they want her to be happy.

It all kind of blows me away, I had said to her SIL that I didn't want anyone to think that I was just the next guy with a one track mind, but she said they never felt that way about me. It's kind of sad, in a way, because they all sort of had a standing bet about how long I'd last. Her SIL said my girlfriend usually finds a lot of faults with the guys she's met, but that she hasn't told them anything negative about me and that's why they felt so strongly about me. I'm very flattered, and assured her that I don't place all the blame on my girlfriend, and know that I need to work on how I handle things too.

The good news is that I told my girlfriend that I had set up an appointment to see a relationship/PTSD therapist so I could learn now to handle this better, and my g/f said she would like to go with me because she needs all the help/advice she can get. That made me feel really good about things.

I wish it didn't come to this, but I guess it's a good thing if it helps her to realize that she also doesn't handle things the best way. At any rate, when we do talk things out she seems to go from "it's all your fault" to a shared responsibility, which means a lot to me.

thanks again for all the kind words...time will only tell. Yes, I do still love her, kind of hard to turn that off like a light switch...

[2quilt]

Maybe you don't have to break up.
It is so good to see that she realizes that there is a problem and that she is willing to get help. That's a tremendous step forward for those of us with PTSD. We lash out at loved ones because we think that they don't understand, don't want to understand, and might hurt us more. We can be like tigers with injured paws. We don't know your motives for certain, so we are afraid and will therefore "Do unto you before you do unto us!"

If you two do go get therapy, I hope you don't leave the forum. You need support too! You need to talk with others who are carers, and get advice and have some (lots ) of people to talk with, bounce ideas off of, and comiserate with. You could also introduce your sweetie to this forum, and we would welcome her, if you felt comfortable with that.

Whatever you decide to do, you are always welcome here!

[unbroken]

Thank you, I'm very confused about it all right now. Even though she seemed pretty angry with me she couldn't understand why I thought she wanted nothing to do with me. Her emails were very harsh and implied that she wanted nothing to do with me, saying "don't ever come over here again" among other things. But in the same email she said she still loved me for who I am.

Tonight we talked more, and she's making plans for us this weekend as if nothing has happened. When I asked her last night she called me "nosey" and that's where the argument started. This confuses the heck out of me. Tonight I asked her the same questions and she wasn't bothered in the least. Her SIL helped a lot, and told me they hope I can stick around because they want to see her happy. I'm flattered that they think of me that way, just have to make sure I don't let it all go to my head!

[Murphy's Law]

Bravo! Going to see a therapist together is a great idea. The best. When I started dating my current boyfriend, well a few months in, we both went to see my T together. It not only helped him understand better where I come from, it helped us learn how to communicate with each other. Without blame or confrontation. Best thing I ever did.
Huge thing that she agreed to go with you. Huge.
I really do wish you luck. And remember to keep being so straight with yourself. You will both be happier for it.

[Cowgirl]

It is crazy-making, sometimes, Unbroken. PTSD is hard on all concerned, the sufferer and the carers who love them.

My DH has fallen into a pattern of threatening to leave me whenever he gets upset (whether with me or life in general). Then, a few hours later, or a day later, he will act as if nothing happened - he got the venom out of his system and he's "fine". I discussed this pattern with him when he was doing OK, and he acknowledged that what he really wants when he does that is for me to let him know that I want him and need him. It is an odd way of trying to get that, but there you go - PTSD is a difficult thing to deal with, for all of us.

There is also a desire to escape, at least with my DH - part of him would like to run far, run fast and escape the PTSD. But of course, it follows him everywhere, because it is inside him. There is no ability to run, the fight or flight response is raging in his body and his mind, but running isn't an option, and there's no one to fight now that he's safe. So, he threatens to run, and he rages, but he really wants me to tell him he is loved and needed and that he has worth.

It makes for some very confusing blow-ups, to be sure. There have been times where he's raging, comes to me for a hug and reassurance, and then starts raging again.

If you stay with her, you are going to have to learn to set boundaries. It will help your own mental health, and it might help to stabilize her, at least to a degree.

We probably could use a thread or set of threads on boundaries and how to define them. Boundaries seem hugely important in coping as a PTSD carer (from my experience anyway).

Best wishes,

Cowgirl

[unbroken]

thank you all, yes it did have me in a complete funk yesterday and I felt like my head was going to explode from confusion. I, too, think it's great that she wanted to go with me to the therapist, it shows me that she truly does want to work together with me on better communication.

She did start to rehash the other night, and I kept asking her if we could both just learn from it and move on. I was getting frustrated because she kept asking me the same thing numerous times, and then went into why she dislikes her niece so much, and others in her life. After that we veered into better conversations and she was including me in her life again with regards to future plans.

I know I probably reacted a little harsh and too quickly, I guess I was at my breaking point and felt like I couldn't win for losing. I'm also learning to just apologize and let her feel a small victory over me because that is often follwed with her apology and acknowledgment that we both need to work on it, and not just me. I can handle losing the small arguments if it means that I have her in the end, because I now realize that it's not about me...it's about her need for validation and control over her own emotions.

That last boyfriend that beat her up seems to have done the most damage, it just tears me up when she tells me about it. She's tiny, he's over 6 feet tall.

[Nicolette]

That last boyfriend that beat her up seems to have done the most damage, it just tears me up when she tells me about it. She's tiny, he's over 6 feet tall.

No matter what the size, being beaten does a lot of damage. It is worse when it comes from someone who supposedly loves you :rolleyes:

[unbroken]

yes, very true. I apologize...I didn't mean to imply that it would have been better if he were shorter, just that she's so much smaller than he is it's like beating up a child. It's a little harder to fight back and defend yourself when you're outweighed by more than 100 pounds.

but yes, abuse of any kind is just wrong, regardless of stature. humble apologies.

[Nicolette]

humble apologies.

Oh dear Unbroken. No need for the apologies, I was just stating the obvious as I could relate to what you were saying. One of my ex-boyfriends belted me in the face spliting above my eye open a week after I had come out of hospital from having back surgery.

[Murphy's Law]

It is great that you realize its not about you, but her. I am sure your Appointment at the T will help to her to realize how she can say what she needs to in a less confrontational way. Not about a win or loose, its about partnership. Good for you for being so open to her pain.
It sounds like she trusts you alot, probably scared how to show it.
Beatings are just so wrong. my heart goes out to you all

[unbroken]

One of my ex-boyfriends belted me in the face spliting above my eye open a week after I had come out of hospital from having back surgery.
I'm so sorry about that, what a punk.

[unbroken]

Thanks Murphy, it's very hard for me to feel like it's not about me, because, well, I'm a guy...I screw up, say the wrong thing, make mistakes, you know...:rofl:

But there was something she did differently that evening, she handled something in a very different way than she usually does and that made me feel like there was a storm brewing. I almost asked her about it because it was kind of out of character for her, but didn't want to put her on the defensive.

Then within a few minutes all hell broke loose and we were arguing about minor things. Not that I feel it's all her fault, but I should have been more cognizant when her routine changed the way it did.

These past couple of days have been incredible...I haven't seen her since the argument, but she's been extremely happy and feeling more like we belong together instead of angry about everything around her. This is the woman I fell madly in love with...

[Murphy's Law]

Maybe recognizing her triggers, or cycles, will make things different. Good for you. Men can be funny, trying to 'fix' things. Dont put so much pressure on yourself, sounds like you are doing great.
It's so nice to hear people talk about love. You know that feeling you are talking about? It being incredible? I would remember that feeling when things get a bit rough. Yup, take a moment and remember that. Powerful stuff.

[spiritofnow]

It's so nice to hear people talk about love. You know that feeling you are talking about? It being incredible? I would remember that feeling when things get a bit rough. Yup, take a moment and remember that. Powerful stuff.

Love it is a funny old thing, it comes and it goes....it is pushed along on the breeze and sometimes, just sometimes we inhale at just the right time and and love comes into us...........a different love than the love we already hold inside of us. It is a force of nature and it is a truly wonderful thing to behold! :Hug_emoticon:

Spirit x

[unbroken]

Thanks everyone, yes, love is funny and strange. I think the argument helped us both learn a little about each other - and ourselves. I knew I loved her with all my heart, but it's very hard to judge what is acceptable and what isn't. I don't feel that either of us is completely to blame, but her stress and my stress combined made it difficult on each of us.

This past week, my g/f and I have spent a lot of time together and it's been nothing short of incredible. We are both very much in love and I think we now know just how much. We've only become stronger and have a much better awareness of when buttons can get pushed. Even though I don't want to say it was all her doing, she did tell me that some of the things I said to her held some truth and that she wanted to work on them. She's been awesome, and I've been much more relaxed around her ... not walking on eggshells like I was for a couple weeks there.

So I guess I have egg on my face for starting this thread the way I did, but I was very upset and I guess that was how I felt at the time. I can handle the PTSD, but when it all barrels down on me I have to raise the flag and surrender to myself first. She knows now that sometimes she can trigger emotions in me, too, and that my reaction is a defense mechanism and not an attack on her. I think she just wasn't used to having a guy so close to her, and her comfort zone was closing in on her. But she does tell me that she likes having me there, and that she trusts me fully. We've both been single for a while and are a little stubborn and set in our ways, but we are very good together, and others see it too.

We are both very happy now and I'm still in love with a very beautiful woman. Thanks to you all for the thoughts and encouragement, it helped me more than you can know!

[spiritofnow]

Eggsactly :-)

No egg on your face lovely, you have scrambled brains :-)..What happened can and does happen in most relationships. You are both in new territory and your exploration will take you into new-found-land., and with this you will inevitably happen upon new feelings and expression of each other.

You did good!
You are good! And, accepting that you are not a superhero (well only on the weekends perhaps?), is very important, you cannot always carry her issues it has to be a shared thing. Your boundaries with each other are becoming clearer and more transparent as the days roll along. I am sure you will still have moments where they become blurred again, and that is Okay! As long as you are both honest and open!

So happy to share in your feelings!

Spirit x

[unbroken]

Thank you so much Spirit. I tried to send you a message but I can't, so I hope you see this. I would like to get in touch with you, so if you wouldn't mind me bending your ear I have a question for you.

thanks again for all of your kind comments....