Wanted to Share - My First EMDR Session

[linasmom]

Hey all,

Just thought I'd share my first EMDR session with you guys. I saw my T on Tuesday and he informed me that he thinks it's finally time to begin the EMDR. I was really nervous and fidgety because even though I've read about EMDR, I wasn't sure in which direction my T was going to go with it.

Before we started, he handed me a sheet with 20 words and their corresponding definitions. The sheet was entitled "Nurturing Adult and Protective Adult Self Skills". Following is a list of all of the words:

empathic
compassionate
understanding
accepting
patient
nurturing
warm
open
able to attune
good at listening
good with boundaries
reliable
trustworthy
confident
respectful
appropriately responsible
problem-solver
action-taker
decision-maker
logical
strong
courageous
protective
grounded/centered

He instructed me to look over the words and their definitions. Then he handed me two "buzzers", one for my right leg and one for my left leg. He had me place the "buzzers", one beneath my right thigh and one beneath my left thigh. He turned on the controller and the "buzzers" alternated vibrations from my right to my left and then back again. He then instructed me to close my eyes while he read the word and its definition and to remember a time when I exhibited or acted out one of those words all the while the vibrations are alternating between my right and left legs.

When we reached the bottom of the list, he read all of the words from the bottom of the page upward and then told me to take all of those words and form a single self with them, to basically bring them all together to form a single model. He then asked me if while doing this I pictured anything in my mind. I told him yes, that the only image I saw was a steel cylindrical object.

He then read the words from the top of the page downward. Then he turned the buzzers off.

It was very interesting. I definitely was having some anxiety as I was going through this process simply because I hate having to remember things in the past, even if it was just a few weeks ago. I told him this. Of course, it's just my normal reaction of dissociating.

Also something interesting, he asked me if my mother had any complications when she was pregnant with me and as far as I know, there were none.

Anyway, that was pretty much it for the first session. I know that different Therapists use different techniques for their EMDR sessions and I think I like his technique of using buzzers to stimulate the right and left sides of the brain. He did start off slow since we really didn't delve into any traumas, but now I'm nervous for my next session because I have a feeling that is when we are going to start talking about some of the traumas. ugghhh.

Best,
Rachel

[Awakening]

Sounds so strange. Did it feel strange?

[linasmom]

Hi Awakening,

Not really - there was only once, when he first turned on the buzzer, he forgot to tell me that he was turning it on and I just about jumped through the ceiling. Besides that, it was uneventful except for the anxiety that I felt when having to remember past experiences even if they weren't traumatic.

[spiritofnow]

I think you did really well to be ready for this! Way to go!

I am interested to learn what you feel you have learned as you go along :-)

Spirit x

[2quilt]

Your experience with EMDR was completely different from mine.
I had no buzzers, no list.

[linasmom]

Hi 2Quilt,

What did your T use to activate the left and right hemispheres? I know different therapists use different techniques, I'm interested in finding out what others have experienced.

Best,
Rachel

[2quilt]

He has a wand with a battery-powered light on the end of it, and he waves it in front of me as my eyes follow it, through the tears.

[Seeking_Nirvana]

Whoa, this all seems strange.

I'm glad you shared your experience Rachel, and I hope you will continue as you progress. I would like to try EMDR but can't afford it.

What has it done for you 2quilt? Did you remember repressed memories? Has this help you over come any fears?

Take care
Tammy

[2quilt]

Yes, it has gotten me to the point where I can talk about the trauma that I did during EMDR, without crying, but telling the story as facts. Unemotional or less emotional. Before, I would have flashbacks about the trauma, or cry when i talked about it.

I have injured myself today and I have to get on a plane in a few hours, so I will write more on Tuesday.

[Acer]

thanks for posting this, I was coming on to ask about EMDR and people's experience with it. I have a new therapist who thinks I definitely have PTSD (my last one thought it was just some maladaptive personality/behavioral traits that I learned as a kid). She uses EMDR a lot with great success. I am supposed to start in the next few weeks once my home life settles down (my husband is threatening divorce right now).

Have you had anymore sessions? If so, how did they go?

My t will be using a light wand, plugged into the wall. She said not everyone likes the buzzers, or the sounds in the ears so the light works well for her and her patients. We shall see.

[anthony]

Really great positive news Rachel that you are having treatment and open to new things.... well done. It is going to get hard, don't fool yourself... and you will get ill as a result from the treatment, but your meant too. It means its working for you.

[cherryblossom]

you will get ill as a result from the treatment

I have to agree with this. In my experience, so far I have gone through 3 EMDR sessions, and I'm not currently doing very well. My anxiety, depression and various other PTSD symptoms are worse as a result. I am not being negative, but this is how it has effected me so far. I'm just telling it like it is (for me). I was a bit wary of posting this before because I didn't want to put people off!

I honestly feel like I'm the worst I have ever been, and I'm really struggling to survive the 'in my face' depression and suicidal feelings.... Yes, this is scaring the hell out of me, and I'm finding it hard to regain control of my emotions. I feel like I'm literally fighting minute by minute, hour by hour, day by day.

However, my therapist is very confident that this will help me in the long run. It is this hope that I'm grabbing on to. It might be a long shot, but I'm not sure I've got much to lose any more. She DID warn me that things would get worse before they got better. I just didn't expect 'worse' to be quite this bad. But, if that means it's working, then I have to believe in that, try to complete the full course of 8 EMDR sessions - and hope for a good result.

[anthony]

It is just part of any trauma therapy cherry.... stick with it as your doing well. The more honest you are with yourself, with the person helping you, the more you get out of trauma therapy. Sometimes it takes me six or longer months to get the one key issue from a person.... the one part that just makes it all click for them. Just stick with it through all the hurt and pain, because the end result is that you spend less time ill because of past pain.... then you concentrate on learning how to manage PTSD itself after you heal past trauma.

[linasmom]

Thanks, Anthony.

I am trying to prepare myself mentally for what I know will be coming - the depression, the anxiety, the "ill" feelings.

The one feeling that I'm struggling with currently is guilt. Because I know that the road ahead is going to be very difficult, I feel guilty for what my family will have to deal with while I'm going through the therapy.

[tude]

Linasmom, I couldn't agree with cherry more...
I just didn't expect 'worse' to be quite this bad.


I too knew it was going to get worse before it got better, however I didn't fully realize how much worse. On the positive side, I am learning how to take care of myself as I go through it. More importantly, I am learning that I don't have to walk through it alone.

Linasmom, take care of yourself. It'll be worth it.

[cherryblossom]

On the positive side, I am learning how to take care of myself as I go through it. More importantly, I am learning that I don't have to walk through it alone.

Hmmm, I guess this is where I'm going wrong. I don't seem to be manageing the whole 'getting ill' part, at all. And I feel more alone than ever. Anyway, that is a little off topic.

What I actually came back to this thread to say was that Rachel, I wish you all the best, and I really hope that it works out for you.

Your session sounded totally different to mine. My therapist has me follow her hand with my eyes, as she moves it from left to right in front of my eyes. There is also no list. I just have to imagine my trauma during the eye movement, and them tell her what I notice. Feelings, emotions, other senses etc. My brain tends to flit around various different aspects of the trauma, but she trys to get me to concentrate on the strongest and most upsetting images. As I'm doing this repressed memories have been coming to the surface, which I have been unable to mention to her yet. It is also these memories that are causing me the most upset at the moment.

Anyway, I wish you well Rachel

[ChrisB]

Hi- I was asked by my therapist to try EMDR. I was told that during EMDR I may have flashbacks regarding my activating incident or from something that has happened in my distent past that I have not dealt with yet. Before this I had a sick memory return of a few details of a childhood rape. My therapist is not ready for me to deal with that and warned me that that may come up during the session. Due to fear I chose to not try EMDR.

[linasmom]

Thanks everyone for your support!

I really hope the EMDR works for me. I think my therapist purposely started out on a slower note for our first session - he is not the type to just jump in and rush in to things, but I do know that it will eventually become hard and while I know that it's going to be scary and make me feel horrible, I want it so badly so I can move on. I'm willing to hit bottom if the end result is a much more manageable lifestyle. As is it right now, I feel useless.

I'll keep everyone updated - maybe this will be a running thread of my experience with EMDR, so that others will have an idea of what one person's experience was like.

Best,
Rachel

[lolabrigitta]

Hi, My hubby's T gave us a CD with EMDR on it. As she only sees him every 2 weeks she will be starting next week with the 1st session on it and he is to listen to this CD in between sessions.........I listened thru it and it was soothing for me. Tapping was used. I will post the experiences after the next session.

Lola

[Acer]

I will be starting this soon enough....I look forward to connecting my intrusive emotions (I don't have intrusive memories but intrusive emotions when triggered) with memories. I feel disconnected from the memories (but haven't ever lost them). I personally am really excited that there is something to try, and someone who thinks this will work for me, that has this as an option, and that can see where I am coming from.

[captrn1]

You guys are scaring me.

[pandora]

I tried it once, no two times....5 years ago and then i completely fell apart...... flooding I think. One time i held buzzers..one in each hand and the next time I watched lights.

I am switching psychologists beause round trip is about 4 hours and I just feel too ill and too drugged and I am afraid to have an accident. She has charged me 150.00...I still have about 13 more from criminal injuries. We are sll gong to meet together (the new psychologist..well, talk about putting my past in my face. She is about 6 or 7 years older than i but we grew up in church together and her mother was my choir director for years....all the years i was running from life. So....I have deceided due to the convenience and safety factor I am going to stay closer to home. She is really cool....I wil definately miss my old one......sorry i took over thread. She is also going to charge 75.00 per session. That is half of what I have been plus gas...that helps too.

I asked her because I thought that EMDR was contraindicated for those that have more than one trauma....she told me no...it works very well for people with more than one trauma or repeated traumas.

They also have a womans support group...I would like to see if my personal health care will cover the cost because it is about 200.00....what a great, safe place to meet others...I am very interested.

[anthony]

Pandora, multiple trauma is a term used, I used even, for people who have suffered both many traumatic events and multiple traumatic events. EMDR can be used on multiple traumatic events, though it just resides to what those particular events have been and the severity judged by the physician against your reactions upon interview. Some physicians are simply shit at telling whether a person is lieing or not, hence you end up with your brain fried. Some are not...

End of the day... the more honest you are with the physician in the initial interview to gauge whether EMDR is an option for you removes the physician from making judgemental mistakes, being human and all. The more you tell the better the outcome. The less you tell, hide or keep secret, the worse EMDR will be and possibly brain damage as a result if things go really bad.

A good well trained physician in the use of EMDR with lots of experience should be a fairly safe bet to be able to help you. Yes... your going to become worse than you have likely been during trauma therapy... its not rosy and fun.

[pandora]

Thanx Anthony...we are going to talk some more about it once life settles down, I finish unpacking and try to heal again and try to figure out exactly what it is that is holding me back.....keeping myself in the bad decision mode....not caring enough to care about me. Letting go of things in a more effective manner than i have been because I am still haunted...though better by my past or at least bits of it now.

[linasmom]

Capt,

Why are we scaring you? "there's nothing to fear but fear itself"!


Pand,

You should definitely reconsider, with a more experienced therapist.



Update, if anyone is interested...

I saw therapist last week but we did not do a second EMDR session because he wanted to discuss how the EMDR is going to possibly effect me and he also shared his concerns with me seeing him only every other week. He feels that he needs to be monitoring me very closely during this time. Unfortunately, I can only afford the every other week session.

He discussed how very likely my symptoms are going to become worse, but that during this time he is also going to teach me some coping skills to deal with the onslaught of symptoms. His number one concern is that I get sleep. He informed me that I am to call him whenever I feel like I am out of control.

Lately, here are some side effects that I've been experiencing:

Increased nightmares that result in heavy sweating - to the point that I have to take off my pajamas because they are drenched in sweat.

Increased depression - feeling more hopeless than before.

Increased intrusive thoughts - thoughts that I've never once been "truly" happy in my life and I'm scared that I never will. Thoughts that any "good" feelings I've ever experienced were only manifestations of my overactive imagination. I call it the "fairy tale syndrome".

So far, nothing positive, but it's obviously extremely early in the game and I do not expect to see positive results for a while. I'm in it for the long run.

He did give me a cd to listen to called "Warming the Stone Child" by Clarrissa Pinkola Estes, who uses Jungian theory to tell heavily metaphorical myths about neglected/abused children.

Best,
Rachel

[captrn1]

I am afraid because I guess that I am going to reach a point of no return reliving traumas. I dont want to be a basket case and feel bad........yet I dont need any full blown attack either. I guess it is the unknown.....

[Acer]

He did give me a cd to listen to called "Warming the Stone Child" by Clarrissa Pinkola Estes, who uses Jungian theory to tell heavily metaphorical myths about neglected/abused children.

I have read a lot of stories from her book 'Women Who Run With the Wolves'. It is a pretty powerful book, and though it has been a long time since I read it (a decade or more) I can still recall a lot of the stories, which is really unusual for me. I remember at the time gaining a deeper understanding of who I was through that book.

Regarding your post counseling symptoms, it seems almost 'normal' that things would come up when directly facing and dealing with the traumas. I had my first EMDR session last week. My therapist is doing the prep work to get me ready for what is about to come. So we started with a mildly irritating event (stuck behind a slow moving vehicle on my way to therapy that morning). It was interesting how irritating and also calming the light bar was, depending on what she asked me to focus on but at the end I did notice a significant change in my anxiety level surrounding the slow vehicle.

That night I couldn't sleep, for no reason at all. My mind was racing about nothing really.

So, onward with the sessions. Next time (in a couple of days) we'll work on something slightly more annoying/stressful. I appreciate that she is working up to it slowly and helping me get the tools ready for when it gets really hard.

[cypher]

Geesh, as you were describing your experience from an early point all that came to me was one of the first scenes in Ghostbusters when Igor(?) has someone hooked up to a buzzer and/or something that shocks them. So, glad to read you wer'nt shocked. (I have no idea what EMDR is- no excuse though). There's my mind getting in the way again, stupid me.

Sounds like you have a good T and hope it goes well for you! Seems like an interesting cd (is it a book as well?) I'll have to look it up. Thanks for bringing more of an understanding of what EMDR is to me. Hang in there!
-Cypher

[linasmom]

Acer,

Sounds like your T is much like mine in that they both feel the need to start out slowly, which I'm grateful for. Keep us updated on how your sessions are progressing and I'll do the same, it will be interesting to compare notes.


I'm a little concerned because I've read here and elsewhere that EMDR should not be used on patients who have been diagnosed as having Complex PTSD, which I have. I haven't been able to find a concrete reason for this, anyone? My therapist is actually combining the EMDR with CBT, I wonder if this makes a difference when dealing with complex ptsd and using EMDR.

Best,
Rachel

[Acer]

Rachel, my T seems to be using a combination too. I think it would be hard not to. And on days where there is too much stress in my life outside of therapy, we don't do EMDR but CBT type stuff, though not exclusively so.

I do not have what she calls complex or acute PTSD. She is calling mine 'chronic' without intrusive memories but with all the other symptoms (my entire childhood was a series of traumatic events. My life just WAS traumatic and I haven't lost memories of the bad stuff, only of the good stuff. The memories are always just there, in the background). So I don't know about not using it for complex ptsd at all. Perhaps your T has different experiences with using it than you read. I'd ask.

[Lisa]

Hi linasmom...

... Im not sure WHY EMDR is considered generally not suitable for Complex PTSD... one thing I can say is that at the moment, therapists are not sure WHY EMDR even works... just that is does. There are theories, and research being carried out as to why at the moment though and have not read anything too recent on this lately so maybe something has been found since I last researched...

However, when EMDR has not only just simply not helped, but also WORSENED people's suffering in cases of complex PTSD... they recommend the treatment not to be used in those cases. It is one thing that something doesn't work... but could be considered negligent if a therapy, that is known to worsen people with Complex PTSD as opposed to just not work, is used on those with complex PTSD.
Therapists are advised not to take that risk, though there may be certain factors that are included in this that I don't know of so don't take this as me saying "Anyone with complex PTSD can't have EMDR", because I'm sure there's a little more to it than that.

Be interested to see if anyone else knows why it makes people worse, other than pure overload? that I assume is the case where several trauma's may exist?

I hope the rest of the EMDR sessions go well! Good luck!

[cherryblossom]

Be interested to see if anyone else knows why it makes people worse, other than pure overload? that I assume is the case where several trauma's may exist?


I don't have any answers as to why it would make someone's comlex PTSD work.

However, I would like to say that in my experience so far, EMDR has made my symptoms significantly worse. I have had 5 sessions out of a course of 8, and while I was told that it would be by no means easy, I didn't expect for things to get as bad as they have done. I would also add that I have not been diagnosed with complex PTSD and I am dealing with only one trauma. My therapist only does EMDR with me, and she isn't particularly concerned about any other issues that I am having. Maybe this is why I'm struggling so much, and perhaps as others have suggested, a combination therapy is necessary.

I am scared that my situation will continue to get worse, with no improvement, however my therapist has said she has never seen this happen. She has said that sometimes people don't respond and continue to feel "the same as before therapy began", but she claims never to have made anyone worse. However if you read around the subject, there seems to be evidence that people can be worse off after EMDR, especially in some cases of complex PTSD.

I came close to quitting EMDR this week (because of the difficulties I'm having with an increase in symptoms), but eventually I decided to continue. All this just makes me wonder whether I am doing the right thing or not.

[Acer]

I would also add that I have not been diagnosed with complex PTSD and I am dealing with only one trauma. My therapist only does EMDR with me, and she isn't particularly concerned about any other issues that I am having. Maybe this is why I'm struggling so much, and perhaps as others have suggested, a combination therapy is necessary.



I don't know how you feel about your therapist but this sounds kind of...cold to me.

My experience is this with my therapist. She is brand new to me only in the past 4 or 5 weeks. However, I come in and she says 'what would you like to talk about today'. Some days (mostly so far) we talk about my life right now which is in a huge state of disarray. If she thinks it is too stressful that day to work on EMDR, we simply don't but work on strategies to deal with and to understand what I am dealing with at the moment/lately.

If she was simply uninterested in dealing with anything else but EMDR and the specific trauma (in which there are too many to count) I don't think I would go back. It seems very dismissing to me, both of your feelings and of the complications trauma creates in a persons life.

[The Dig]

My Experience

I had emdr, a lot of it. :stupid:

treatment for five events over 4 years, I still have them, only, now they are clearer more detailed and scarier, essentially I was conned with talk of a new life, no one told me it wasn't the best thing for multi-trauma until after I,d had it, having now met 3 emdr therapists I liken them to salespersons, each with his/her tales of success....often slipping in a tale of horror with a client it worked for,no one mentioned the failure rates, only the successful are talked about.

I recently read a draft emdr protocol as part of a consultation process, that document says that 83% of the civilian ptsd group no longer met ptsd criteria, no mention of the 17% it didnt work for?, this is emdr figures for single trauma.

I may sound facetious but if a treatment is extra £$£$£$ in the therapist back pocket or purse which it is in the UK, would it affect your assessment?...

I only wish that they had been honest with me at the onset of treatment.

Hi All :hello:

[Claire]

Each to their own, everyone's experience and therapist is different. However the one I see isn't charging me more for EMDR sessions. He uses it in combination with other techniques. Its very hard work, I have got worse/better/worse/better again but all in all I have improved massively since we started it. I have remembered things and made links that I never knew existed. That in itself has and is very frightening but if then it's managed and dealt with you get better. Well that's what has happened with me anyway. Its made everything make much more sense.