Why is it Important to Have Someone Understand?

[upstream]

I see a lot of recurring posts, where someone who has PTSD is frusrated because someone in there life does not understand what they are going through. It seems to be worse if the person doesn't try to understand, and even worse if the person misunderstands and won't listen.

My questions are;

Why is it so important for us to have this understanding?
Why is it so painful when we don't?

[sisu]

Upstream,
I am a carer, so maybe I shouldn't be here replying to your question...but I am going to anyway...:smile:

In my situation it is the opposite problem. I totally understand ptsd and how it changes a persons perceptions. My ex decided a couple of months ago that he did not want to involve me in his terrible problems and that he was best to go life alone. Now he is slightly emerging from his low point and realizes that he screwed up by pushing me away. He said that he had it all and threw it away.

I have always been the type of person who accepts others for who they are faults and all. I know that I am not perfect nor do I want to date someone who is. However, I will not accept abuse (verbal or physical) or any other type of dis-respect.

Maybe my ex was odd or maybe I am odd....but our situation was apparently not the "norm".

Sisu:dontknow:

[moog]

The critical thing that you forgot in your post is that it's not just "someone" in their life understand what we are going through but "someone important" in our lives; whether it be family or friends. Having someone close to you, not understand your pain; in the end just causes more pain. I've seen in many times, that is why PTSD education/therapy in the military community tries to encompass the family now.




(http://www.vac-acc.gc.ca/clients/sub.cfm?source=mhealth/family_assist)

[cellardoor]

Maybe because we just don't want to feel alone...?

[linasmom]

I think people in general inherently want to be understood. It is something that all people crave. I do think that when a person has a "defect" that "we" want it just as badly as the next but because "we" aren't as easily understood, we pine for it more - we tend to over-explain or try without success to conform to the norm and then we are usually left feeling badly which then leads us to want to be understood even more. It's a cycle, like most everything else. We have to try harder, therefore we want it more.

Best,
Rachel

[cherryblossom]

I feel like I'm always desperately searching for someone who understands me.

Everytime I have tried to explain it to either a boyfriend (at the time) or a friend, I have never felt understood. It has resulted in the boyfriends leaving me and also in some cases, friends either disappearing completely or just becoming aquaintences.

The couple of friends who have stood by me (when I've told them I have PTSD from rape), still don't understand, they tend to concentrate on distracting me, taking me out etc, but don't ever want to talk about it.

I have had 3 people in my (real) life, who I feel have understood me. One died, another let me down big time, and we no longer have contact, and the other left me also.

The only friends who have ever understood me, are friends that I have met online, who also have PTSD from similar circumstances.

I find it really tough going on my own, and would really like to have someone in my life who understood.

I find it hard, when I confess all, but people don't understand. I feel like they look at me as though I'm crazy or something. So then I have to put on my 'happy mask', pretend that all is well, and continue my life of lies. Any type of 'mental illness' caries a stigma, be that with friends, relatives, or work, etc. You can try to educate others, but unless they have been there, or know someone who has, it seems to fall on deaf ears.

[upstream]

Upstream,
I am a carer, so maybe I shouldn't be here replying to your question...but I am going to anyway...:smile:


Anyone is welcome to reply to anything I write, I'm glad you shared your experiences here.


I have always been the type of person who accepts others for who they are faults and all. I know that I am not perfect nor do I want to date someone who is. However, I will not accept abuse (verbal or physical) or any other type of dis-respect.


I find that to be commendable.

[upstream]

I think people in general inherently want to be understood. It is something that all people crave. I do think that when a person has a "defect" that "we" want it just as badly as the next but because "we" aren't as easily understood, we pine for it more

This rang true for me.

[upstream]

The critical thing that you forgot in your post is that it's not just "someone" in their life understand what we are going through but "someone important" in our lives;
(http://www.vac-acc.gc.ca/clients/sub.cfm?source=mhealth/family_assist)

I would agree with that. Perhaps when it's someone important, not being understood feels very un-loving.

[upstream]

I find it really tough going on my own, and would really like to have someone in my life who understood.


At my last place of residence I found an abuse survivor group. It was a great experience, any time anyone said something it was like we all understood and had been there. It was also a lot of fun at times.

Perhaps there are similar groups in England? It might be worth looking into...

[becvan]

I know for me that this question runs into all the secondary wounding I have received over the years. I was considered to be crazy by the entire community I lived in, along with most of my family. I was alienated often due to the way I reacted or didn't react to certain events. Just having someone understand that I have a disorder that accounts for these reactions means the world to me. All of my close friends whole-heartedly understands. My family tried their best. Mostly they have just come to accept there is something wrong with me and I'm getting help. Good enough.

Also being understood means that you are being heard. I think many of us have lost our voice due to abuse. Getting that voice back is a very powerful thing.

bec

[2quilt]

I believe that it is human nature to want to be loved, accepted, included and believed by those people whose opinions we value. Nobody enjoys being excluded by a majority group, rejected or 'different'.

Although some people do live lives that can appear that they want to be separatists, inside, they want their views and experiences to be understood.

[upstream]

this question runs into all the secondary wounding I have received

Good point, bec. Perhaps that's where a lot of the pain comes from?

to be loved, accepted, included and believed

That sounds nice. However I've only ever felt that way with others who have gone through the same things. I'm not sure why...

[Cindy]

I find it important to be understood because it validates my reactions and feelings associated with certian aspects of living a life the best way I can.

When I read others on this forum experiencing similar feelings I don't feel so abnormal or out of sinc. It helps me to accept who I am at the time and what I respond to differently than others because of the PTSD. When I respond differently to events I question myself and start to attack myself for being inept. Normal events can put me into a tailspin.

When others confirm they also respond in this way I relax and am not as hard on myself. It helps me to keep a clear perspective on what PTSD can effect and to change my personal expectations.

When others do not understand or choose not to try to understand it is a clear message to me that there are limits on that relationship. When others respect my boundaries I feel supported and can persue a fuller relationship with them.

Being understood or not is a clear indicator to me about the level of relationship I can have with that person and a measure of my own perception of what my needs are with regards to functioning in daily living challenges.

[becvan]

Great insight Cindy. After reading your post I can see the truth in it. I can see where understanding weighs heavily in what type of relationship I have with people. Thanks for that.

bec

[Nicolette]

It seems to be worse if the person doesn't try to understand, and even worse if the person misunderstands and won't listen.

I know this is a different tangent but may I say that I think sometimes a PTSD suffer (especially one recently diagnosed) doesn't really understand what they are going through and struggle to make sense of themselves. With that said, it would then be difficult for the Sufferer to verbalise what they are going through in a manner which would make sense to someone.

Sometimes I see people 'not wanting to understand' things they are frightened of or that which seems too difficult. I also wonder if 'won't listen' can also be a case of 'not wanting to know'. As a carer I find it difficult to find someone who can understand what I go through when Anthony is ill and my friends can shy away just due to ignorance. They have no vested interest in understanding PTSD whereas I do. This then leads me to what Moog said about that person needing to be "someone important". It's a bit like having a friend who has an interest in motorbikes. They may want to talk to me about the motorbikes and comparisons etc but as I have little interest, I will be polite and listen as they are my friend but I am sure my mind would wander off as it is not important to me.

Bottom line, I think we all want to feel supported in life, especially when we are not well. I feel for those of you who haven't found a 'someone' to really be there for you.

I know I have not answered Upstream's questions nor can I as I am a Carer but did want to share my thoughts.

[linasmom]

When others do not understand or choose not to try to understand it is a clear message to me that there are limits on that relationship.

Cindy,

That was great insight and something that I think we should always try and remember - PTSD or not, that statement rings true.



Being understood, to me, is fundamentally about experiencing a connection with other people. When there is no "connection", for me, there is only dead space.

Best,
Rachel

[Grama-Herc]

There has never been a thread that I've read herer on the forum that caused me to cry until now. Every post, every word and every emotion hit me right between the eyes and expressed what I have been feeling for months now.

Thank you, everyone, for putting "ME" into words. The thread has helped in ways you will never know. At least now I know why these feelings are so strong and then to push me towards resentment and anger, at times.

Again, to repeat myself, Thank You everyone!

[anthony]

Funny really, in that I do not expect people to understand because what I understand that unless you have it, you can not understand it. So this removes any desire I have in the first place or emotion required to go with it. It is like comparing to a person who has been raped vs. not raped. You could not understand the act of rape unless you had been raped. You could empathise with that person, but you could not understand what they feel, the violation or trust components.... just not the same.

So my answer to this is simple; I don't expect another to understand unless they have it.

[Marlene]

So my answer to this is simple; I don't expect another to understand unless they have it.

Good answer and pretty much my take on things. One of the hardest part of adjusting to my PTSD was that I couldn't seem to make my husband understand what was going on no matter how hard I tried. It was a constant source of tension between us for a while. I felt like he just wasn't trying hard enough to understand and didn't really care.

It took my therapist explaining that there was no way for him to understand and to stop beating my head against that particular wall (and my husband's along with mine). I just had to accept that this part of my life was closed to my husband. And it was hard because our whole lives were open to each other. He could empathize and support, but that was as far as he could come in without having to have PTSD himself.

Yeah, it sucks...but that's just the way of it.

Lisa

[Cindy]

Marlene and Anthony I see your point and agree with it. Maybe it is the word understand that is the problem with my perception. I think you're right that people without PTSD cannot begin to comprehend the deep emotions and issues involved. I guess this is where I see the word empathy and understand as being confused by me.

I guess what I really wish is for people who care about me to listen to my concerns and be attentive to my responses instead of me always having to either hide them or explain them. I want them to accept them as part of me without challenging or dismissing them, and then just moving off into their own topics or interests to avoid me or my needs.

I don't share with others often but when I am comfortable to do so they don't want to listen, or worse - "just get over it". Few people take the time to just sit and set the time aside to listen. Many are wrapped up in their own lives.

I am reflecting only the experiences I have had with my immediate family.

But, anyway your points are well taken. Thanks.

[linasmom]

Hmm, here is the definition of "understand" from dictionary.com:


un·der·stand http://cache.lexico.com/dictionary/graphics/luna/thinsp.png
1.to perceive the meaning of; grasp the idea of; comprehend: to understand Spanish; I didn't understand your question.
2.to be thoroughly familiar with; apprehend clearly the character, nature, or subtleties of: to understand a trade.
3.to assign a meaning to; interpret: He understood her suggestion as a complaint.
4.to grasp the significance, implications, or importance of: He does not understand responsibility.
5.to regard as firmly communicated; take as agreed or settled: I understand that you will repay this loan in 30 days.
6.to learn or hear: I understand that you are going out of town.
7.to accept as true; believe: I understand that you are trying to be truthful, but you are wrong.
8.to construe in a particular way: You are to understand the phrase literally.
9.to supply mentally (something that is not expressed). –verb (used without object)
10.to perceive what is meant; grasp the information conveyed: She told them about it in simple words, hoping they would understand.
11.to accept tolerantly or sympathetically: If you can't do it, I'll understand.
12.to have knowledge or background, as on a particular subject: He understands about boats.
13.to have a systematic interpretation or rationale, as in a field or area of knowledge: He can repeat every rule in the book, but he just doesn't understand.



Nowhere does it imply that one must experience to understand. In fact, the definitions seem to communicate that the definition of (to) "understand" means that one learns, acknowledges, accepts, all without having to actually have an experience - to be "open" to the facts or ideas.

I think by believing that everyone who doesn't have PTSD will not understand us is very negative thinking and only furthers the idea that we are isolated from "others".

[spiritofnow]

I have been thinking about this one; I guess the most important person I need to uderstand me is.....yep! You got it, good ole' me! I feel that as I am understanding myself I do not need external validation as much! I used to feel so misunderstood, paticularly in intimate relationships, and my need for validation was unhealthy.

As I uncover the life events that have directed my behaviour's and attitudes, I feel less misunderstood, because I understand why I do some things. Therefore, I tend to look less for external validation in order to ascertain whether how I feel or what I think is correct/rational.

I am understanding me and I am understanding of myself.

Spirit x

[moog]

I think by believing that everyone who doesn't have PTSD will not understand us is very negative thinking and only furthers the idea that we are isolated from "others".

I think that is very symbolic, our professional care givers understand and we trust them; so why not family/friends. Someone may not understand our experiences and trauma that caused PTSD because they have not experienced it themselves. But it does not mean that they can not try to understand how PTSD has changed us and what PTSD is, in order to help them change and learn to live with our new lives. Other wise, you isolate yourself from those that just want to help and care for you. Psycho-education amongst family and friends is very important, if they don't understand; they won't be able to live with you and then you will be alone. I've seen many families torn apart by negative isolationist thoughts of someone adapting to life with PTSD.

[ChrisB]

Hi Upstream, I get it and live it. My view was/is that if my loved one cared enough they would learn all there is to learn about the subject. They would be able to understand me through study and listening, while observing me. When they do not I often felt like I was not being supported or they don't really care. Or are we seen as damaged goods? I think we need to understand ourselves and hope that others we trust will want to do the same. We need an honest support group/structure around us. Let our journey continue.
Be well

[ChrisB]

Upstream and others- These posts hit me so hard. As the years went by I became convinced that my wife did not understand what had happened to me. My wife bought me a good PTSD work book but when I completed it she did not read it. I felt she often put me in situations where the fears I have would be unreal. My destruction of self esteem and loss of self worth were powerful. I felt that if she did not bother to learn all there is to learn about me than she must not really love me. How could she help if she did not bother to educate herself and understand? I began to see her as part of the problem. Any thoughts?

[Grama-Herc]

My thinking on this is as follows.

It isn't that it is so important to us that our family "understand", it is important for us to see that they are trying.

My mother cared enough to try to educate herself about 'the PTSD". What it is. How it affects my life. What to expect in the way of reactions from me. Her efforts to
try to help me, if possible, meant more to me than anything she has done in a long time.

I think it is the effort put forth to understand and care that means the most to us
Knowing they CARE is the key. Feeling like they don't is what hurts us. Just MHO

[Nicolette]

So my answer to this is simple; I don't expect another to understand unless they have it.

While your answer is simple sweetheart, I do have days where I do wish I could understand just as I have days where I wish I could take the illness away for you so you would not have to suffer. :kiss:

[Olly]

Hmm, with me i know i'm always desperate to try and make the person who involves my ptsd understand, however several times i've had lines like "i don't think you have ptsd" "its part of growing up" etc. It drives me mad. I think it angers me so much because (in my case) the person can't ever interperet how it feels.
I think in analysis of myself i want some acceptance that i'm actually having a hard time. A problem for me is that ptsd is "invisible" - others can't see it. The idea of that infuriates me because i'm struggling yet no one can see this. So i suppose in attempted answer to your question(s) maybe its a want of validation for the way we feel.
However i also agree with previous comments of not wanting to feel alone, i think ptsd can be isolating?

[cypher]

I've been thinking about this topic recently and, for me, it's difficult to answer because I dont really understand yet the thoughts that go through my head about what happened. I'm trying to understand the challenges that come along with it. Kinda organize my thoughts and emotions I guess and take some sort of control over them.

But I think what Grama-Herc is saying is right on though. It's important that someone is trying to understand, it shows that they care about you and want to help. At the same time though, I agree with those who dont think shoes can be put on anothers feet (regardless of what it is). If they hav'nt experienced it, how can they know what it's like with the emotion etc... that goes along with it. It's like trying to describe the taste of salt to someone who has never tasted it.

So I guess for me, they will never know what it's like, but if they are trying to care/understand, that's whats important.

[cherryblossom]

It isn't that it is so important to us that our family "understand", it is important for us to see that they are trying.


I think this kind of explains my feelings on this, although I didn't realise! 'Trying' to understand does show that someone cares. And maybe my expectations have been too high, in that clearly no-one can truely understand unless they have been there.

Thanks Herc - this has really helped clarify things for me.