New Member - On-Duty Trauma

[Bulldog36]

Hello everyone!

I cant tell you all how happy I am to have found this forum, I have felt so alone for so many months now, I feel like I'm sinking in tar. My family is great, dont get me wrong, I just feel like they look at me like I'm some damaged goods, they want to help, but I'm just so numb.

Let me tell you my story, While working as a police officer I was called to a residence for a male with a puppy in the bushes next to the residence. I assumed I was heading to a person walking their dog and not cleaning up after themselves.

I get there and there is no man , no puppy, after some searching I end up back at the residence where the woman informs me that the man is now in her back yard. I go down to the yard and look over a retaining wall that is topped with a 8 ft chain link fence, all I can see is legs and blood due to the angle of the fence. I call for rescue and drive over to the next street to reach the man.

I run up to the wall and find a man in the bushes, slitting his throat with a kitchen knife, he has slashed his ankles , wrists, and is sawing his throat, I order him to drop the knife nothing, I call for backup , its seemed forever till they got there, I just held my gun on him, ready for him to lunge at me , knowing I would have to shoot him, that never happened, backup arrived and we got the knife away.

I have never been the same since, the advice of the docs and my superiors, get back on the horse, I got back on the horse, I'm still a mess, nervous, anxious, nightmares, easily startled, angry, depressed, you name it, I feel it, all at the same time of trying to stay strong. I have an inner bulldog that will not let me give up, I am tired , I want to give up.

I am seeing a doctor, I am on meds and have been diagnosed with ptsd. A subsequent leg injury has left me out of work and I dont want to go back, I dont know what to do, I'm so scared if I try to go out on disability it will be denyed...then what.

Anybody with any words of encouragement or incite to this kind of thing , I would love to hear from. I feel like such a loser honestly,

[upstream]

Bulldog, was this one man slitting himself or one man slitting another man?

You're not a loser, you're showing a great deal of strength and courage. Welcome to the forum!

[Murphy's Law]

Hey Bulldog, great name.
sounds like you are being very brave and strong telling us about this. No loser in those words. Its very theraputic and a big step.
Glad you found this site too, there are many people here who care, and someone always has some good advice to offer.
welcome!

[Bulldog36]

Bulldog, was this one man slitting himself or one man slitting another man?

You're not a loser, you're showing a great deal of strength and courage. Welcome to the forum!

It was one man, he was in his backyard it turned out, he just kept doing it over and over, the sound was the worst sound I ever heard in my life, he had no expression on his face what so ever.

When my partners arrived he hat to hit his hand with his ASP untill finally all the bones in his hand broke and he had to drop the knife, another officer tackled him from behind. I will never forget evertime my partner hit him he would put up his hand to block it, get hit, and go right back to his throat, honestly it was like he was trying to saw his head off. Im hoping that I am not being too grafic, if I am, please let me know, I dont want to upset anybody.

This man never mad a sound as this all went on.

I was watching Greys Anatomy (TV SHow) last night, a woman had a sever scalp injury, I cryed and cryed like a baby for about 30 minutes till I could calm down. I hate this, I dont get it:mad:

[cherryblossom]

Bulldog, welcome to the forum. You are not a loser, although I do understand that feeling all too well. I would suggest that you find out everything you can about PTSD. There is plenty of information on this site to keep you busy for a while. Maybe that will help you to realise that everything you are feeling is 'normal' when you have PTSD. Whilst we all have different causes of PTSD, PTSD is PTSD. You are not alone. There are loads of us here who have felt and DO feel the way you do. There are also many very wise and knowledgable people here, when it comes to PTSD. I'm sure you will find some support and help here.
Take care

[Bulldog36]

Thank you all! I am finding all the resources of the site I can , I appreciate it, its making me feel , at the very least, not so weak.

[Due North Gallery]

Bull-Dog,

Sounds like we *both* came here looking for insight. I cannot make the evil go away, but we share similar experiences.

Haven't worked the road in many years, but as a 9-1-1 dispatcher, I literally get to see it all - we have about 200 closed circuit TV cameras all over the freeways, with a huge (10' x 12') screen in front of the room. Shootings, crashes, carnage and mayhem are standard fare around Detroit. With me, it's like a train wreck - can't take my eyes off the action, even when I know I'm going to see something potentially gruesome. Adrenaline swings from low to high and back again, especially during critical incidents.

Went to the Department's counselor once - he told me to consider another line of work.... big help that was :rofl: Still have trouble sleeping almost every night to some degree - weird dreams and dark thoughts invade without notice. Withdrawn from my wife, wind up sleeping on the couch many nights..... it goes on and on.

I don't drink much, thank goodness, but smoke like a chimney. I rationalize it by telling myself I'm more likely to be car-jacked or killed in a freeway crash by some dirt-bag with no insurance than by cigarettes, but that's probably a stretch.

Took an entire summer off - doctor's orders - after my MD noticed a slight spike in blood pressure. Long-term disability claim required me to see one of "their" psychiatrists.... he told me I wouldn't be ready for "combat" again for at least six months - hence the time off. Would love to get into another line of work, but would miss my law enforcement "family" terribly. I feel trapped in a weird way - seemingly unable to extricate myself from the whole scenario. Aren't the good guys supposed to be invincible ?

All this is a long-winded way of saying - "I'm with you, bro". Feel free to contact me if you need someone to yak at.

JB