What To Do In Times Of Desperation?

[lexie]

Hi to you all,

I'm new and this is my first post besides the introduction I wrote some time ago. Again I would like to say English is not my mother tongue.

Within the last years as a carer there had been ups but much more downs, no matter if he's at home or if he's deployed. It's very hard at times to keep this up. There are so many factors, but especially the feeling of being shut out is hard to handle for me. At times I'm so despaired, especially when I know he has the chance to get in touch but he doesn't. Then I feel as if I'm just good to take care of his things and nothing else. A couple days before his deployment he said he needs me which I never thought he could express and this is what keeps me going at this moment.

Sometimes I am feeling sad, other times I am mad, a lot of the time I am depressed... then I would like to tell him how his "actions" make me feel, but I know this is stress for him which I try to avoid. I do not always get this done. I think some of you feel like this too and it would be nice to hear what you are doing to calm down in moments when you are close to "act up".

Hope you all are having a nice weekend.

Lexie

[Jim]

Welcome to the forum lexie. Was deployed myself many times over my military career. Now retired. From the point of view of a soldier, I can share my experience with you. Whilst deployed it is often difficult emotionally to keep in touch with loved ones. One always has in the back of one's mind, "this may be the last time I speak to my wife and kids". Additionally, there is a certain attitude on operations, a certain mindset, which is difficult to explain to civilians. However. It does distance you, and it is important to have that distance. Important to "bond" with your unit, the men you are working with, rather than your family. Especially just before deployment, important to detach with family somewhat. Your going to a war zone, it's dangerous to not stay focused. Slip ups due to not being focused can be a matter of life and death. Perhaps Anthony or someone else can explain better as I am not so good with words.

In any event, not easy for the family either. Wish my wife was here to speak with you. However. She is unwell currently. Take care.

Jim.

[Nicolette]

Welcome Lexie

From what I understand what Jim is saying is correct. I have watched Anthony do it in 'other' situations and I can't get my head around the detachment but it seems to work for them. It can be distressing being on the receiving end of such if you don't understand it. What the military teaches soldiers is vital for their safety but integrating that backwards and forwards into civilian life must be difficult. Anthony tends not to express a lot but he is getting better at it :smile: (he has PTSD from the military). I believe that is more a military thing than just a male thing :rolleyes:.

Perhaps Anthony or someone else can explain better as I am not so good with words.

Oh Jim, I think you do very well and I enjoy reading your posts.

[Jim]

Thank you kindly Nicolette. Glad I made some sense. ;-)

Thought of a story for you too Lexie. My son is currently on operations. Just before he deployed, my daughter was upset about it. Started being cold towards him and pushing him away, to deal with her worry about him and so forth. Then she felt guilty for her actions and discussed it with me. Might sound odd to a civilian, but I told her she did the right thing. She was helping Colin in fact. Colin later sent her a letter thanking her as well. He needed space from us, including her and she assisted him in achieving that.

Jim.

[Murphy's Law]

hi.

Well said Jim
I have watched others do it, I have seen it dozens of times (Dad and brother were army too). I dont think I have ever seen anyone it looked easy for. I find it very similar to my bad habit of disasociating, thinking in facts instead of emotions.

Lexie, maybe there is a unit near you with a supprt group for spouses and family of their soldiers that go overseas. Do you have a contact number for the support services? Maybe he does, or one of your neighbors? Just a thought.