Too Many Years Pretending That Everything's 'Fine'

[Mick]

I have just started seeing a therapist. I can no longer seem to control my anger, depression and my panic attacks are becoming more and more frequent. I can no longer do my job due to both my mental state and my physical abilities getting worse as time goes by due to a stabbing 14 years ago that resulted in emergence heart surgery, and a mugging 20 years ago resulting in my face being smashed in with the butt of a pistol.

Be a man suck it up attitude I was raised with. has led to nothing but drinking and self destruction. Now after years of self medicating I've done even more damage to my heart and brain. My heart is no longer pumping adequately for my body to get enough oxygen from both the trauma and the alcohol abuse.

I've lost my job can't pay my bills and get treated like s#%t by the disability
people even though my therapist and my doctors say I'm absolutely one of the most deserving people they have seen.

I no longer enjoy anything. I'm a musician and have been all my life. I've traveled all over the country playing music for the past 25 years of my life as well. I can no longer do it either both due to not being physically able to perform at energetic level my music need. Nor deal with the people at the shows who want to meet and talk to me. I feel terrible they pay to see the band and I probably seem like a stuck up ass because I can't talk to anyone.
But social security won't let me play anyway. And my memory has been pretty bad. No fun forgetting a song up on stage.

All this has got me so wound up in depression I finally looked for help. I can no longer live this way. I've destroyed nearly all my relationships and everything i've worked at.

[Cindy]

OK, you did step one. "I can no longer live this way"
"I am self destructing and have lost
everything of meaning to me"

NOW the work begins to put it back together the way you want it.

Realizing where you are, taking the responsibility to change it, and finding the right people to help you through it professionally are all necessary to get to the other side. It's hard work but look at all the people on this forum who have done it or are doing it. You can too. It takes courage, perseverance, and time. Two steps forward one step back, three steps forward one step back ..... until one day you will be making the moves for yourself again.

You will enjoy certain things again, you will find new things you enjoy - BE PATIENT WITH YOURSELF. You did not get this way in one day and you will not "unget" this way quickly.

We're here for you! Take care.

[Mick]

After starting therapy and writing this yesterday I have not been able to stop thinking of all the stuff in my life that I never considered as part of any problem let alone PTSD. I know thats all part of the deal though. Yesterday was as well a Memorial for a friend who died after partying to much on his birthday last weekend. He was his grandmothers sole provider and care taker. She raised him because his parents were too messed up with there own alcohol problems. Man It's really not a fair world is it.

I think later I might try writing on the Trauma board or whatever it's called. But I have to go to see one of the social securities doctors this morning. I'm sure thats going to be a blast. although physically the problems are real and they should easily see that. I just feel crappy having to go and redo all the testing my doctors already put me through. It's not like my cardiologist or my therapist are just trying to help me scam the government. But thats how the treat me or at least thats how I perceive it. Maybe I'm just paranoid ?

Thanks for the reply it does help to be able to talk about this stuff.

[Portabella]

Very nicely "put" Cindy and very true....Welcome to the forum and hope you stick around and let the healing begin.....You have to want it though....I can hear by how you write you do, kudo's on taking the first step.....:thumbs-up

[Mick]

I tried to reply to this and to another thread but they have not shown up. I know they are monitored. I'm probably just impatient or more likely did it wrong.
So anyway, Thank you for your comments. It has been a long time of denial for me. My Wife and my Mother finally convinced my to see a therapist after too many "events" after my heath started to get worse over time do to my injuries.
I hope I get this one right and posted I think I'm going to go to the diary section and tell my tail.

Thanks.

[nie]

Welcome to the forum Mick.