Desperate Need for Help to Heal

[Anewme]

I have been doing alot of reading about PTSD and others people situations and the pain, anger and humility seem to have been me!

I recently had a hospital stay due to my reactions to yet another trauma. Once I came around and stopped fighting it I began to open up and started talking to one of the nurses. After about 10 stories from my past she commented that if I were to write a book absolutely no one would believe that I was telling the truth. I am so desperate to begin to live and the healing I have no idea where to start but here goes.....

I met my husband about 10 years ago and I thought I had met the most wonderfuly kind human being. We began living our life together as a couple and we commited to living our life as husband and wife. We had set a date to be married but he called it off and we both agreed we didn't need a piece of paper be "married". I met his family and they were so wonderful especially his dad. I never really exactly had a male role model and I automically felt a bond and a trust with his dad. J (my husband) was in sales over 13 states on the east coast so he would be home for a couple of days then he would be gone for up to 2 weeks at a time. My father in law asked J if he could take me to the casino with him and we did he made me feel so special as I am from a very small town and grew up in an extremely disfunctional family (another nightmare). He took me to eat to a really nice restaurant and really doted on me. I remember having dinner and then thats it. I wake up the next morning feeling foggier than I have felt in my life.

About 2 years go by and I grew an increasing uneasy feeling whenever I was around his father but J said he just wanted everyone to get along so I buried this uneasiness and kept going. I was kind, sweet and nice to his dad and for some reason grew alot of anger towards J. I lashed out him sometimes for no reason at all. Then the flashes, anxiety and severe depression started. I was to the point that I was ready to leave my husband and just dissapear. I could barely get out of bed much less do anythind else. J called and made an appointment for me with my family doctor in which he literally forced me to go.

I was diagnosed with severe depression and prescribed meds. I went to her weekly and I began to trust her and I opened up and told her about these flashes and exteme uneasiness that I kept having. She asked me if there could be a possibility that i had been drugged and raped. I was so dumb founded and angry. I comfronted his dad and he said he didn't do anything that I did not want. If I told J then he would tell him we were having an affair.....I believed him and kept my mouth closed. I started lying to J about stupid little things even things like how much I spent at the grocery store.

I am sorry but I can't keep going at this time perhaps later.

[nie]

Welcome to the forum Anewme. Take your time.

[Anewme]

Ok i need to back up a minute and let you know that his dad and i worked for the same company side by side in fact. He made it so difficult to breathe I began hating to go to work (to a job that I had been completly in love with) every break, lunch etc...he was there. Every morning he brought me coffee and breakfast in which ifi had not tried to choke down in front of him all hell would break loose. He continually degraded me for a couple of years by threatening to tell. I knew J would believe his father and I was desperate not to loose him.

At any rate I took my meds and put in for a medical leave of absense from work ( I had up to 2 years to go back without loosing my position) I was hoping his dad would go ahead and retire but he didn't. It was so difficult to keep it together and not let J know anything was going on...Several times i thought i would literally go insane. His threats were so awful and I believed every single one of them.
I am now diagnosed with PTSD.....well hello look at my life.
J was very suspicous about something going on between his dad and myself that I became a master liar about EVERYTHING in my life. Even though he suspected me of telling a lie I would promise, swear and convince him and myself that it was the truth.

I somehow gathered the strength and told his dad to go ahead and tell....
I would no longer try to stop him telling J. My mood swings was so all over the place but i still didn't tell J. I told no one other than my doctor and I said I would die first before telling and I lived by that.

I felt that i was home safe and J and I were very much in Love. In retropect I guess i was never safe but i felt the secret would never be told.

In 2007 we began a new phase in our lives together and I was happy. I felt a closeness to him that I hadn't felt before. I truly trusted this man to never intentionally hurt me.

In 2008 we even began a friendship with another couple and we did alot of things together. I began to trust her and one night I felt safe enough to tell her my secret....
We were married on March 13, 2008 and our friends went with us we flew to las vegas. I was ecstatic that I finally had the courage to have it on paper. I had always thought when would the other shoe fall. By March 20th we had so many problems with our relationship and he kept asking me to not lie to him but I still wouldn't tell! J began to become very close to Jacque and she kept asking me if i was mad at her. My response was always NO not mad just very hurt. By the 31st I hadn't seen my husband in 5 days but he continued to see her. My emotions were so raw! The pain and suffering was unbarable and on April 1st i decided to go ahead and end my life so i had to write him a letter then when it was time i would let him know where to find the letter, my
phone and my wedding rings. He didn't believe me and was out drinking with her I suppose he did not want to be interupted and he called my daughter to go and pick up those things...

After 15 days in the hospital and alot of therapy here i am. Jacque had told him my secret and he hates that so much of our life together was a lie. Can he ever forgive me? Probably not. We have spoken a few times but he has became so involved with drinking and Jacque that that is all he can do. He asked his dad if it was true and of course he denied it.

My entire life has had nothing but secrets....My childhood was horrible. I had been raped by gun point when i was 15. My first marriage was abusive both physically and sexually. My second husband was emotionally abusive and the marriage wound up in divorce when he bagan having an affair. During the marriage my ex-fiance dropped dead with an anurism in the center core of his brain. (We had remained very close friends even after we broke up.)
Then the next one was an alcholic, womanizer and abusive to me. I recently found out that he molested my youngest daughter. Also during this relationship with him my oldest daughter (12 yrs old) was molested and raped. The man got off on a technicality he was 36 yrs old.

[Anewme]

Welcome to the forum Anewme. Take your time.
Thank you for your support.

[cec]

This must have been very hard for you to share. Indeed, you have been in a constant state of anxiety, with what looks like no support, and attached to people that have used you and your children in the worse possible way. The people we trust and look to for love, end up hurting us--story of my life also. I really hope,Anewme, that you and your children finally get the support you need and deserve. It's hard, but your kids really need you.

All the best,

cec

[Anewme]

Today is too much confusion and so much pain I dont like this!

[moonmaiden]

You have quite a bit of trauma that you're coping with - that much is clear. I can relate your current suffering so much. Even though I don't consider my story quite as dramatic as yours, I too am starting to try and unravel everything that has happened to me.

What has helped me the most so far has been reaching out to others like myself. Like you're doing on this board. Keep reaching out.

I'm still struggling with the ability to "speak my truth". My whole body aches to hide it, deny it and minimize it.

I had a total collapse about a year ago - physical, emotional and mental - I think in the old days they might have called it "nervous breakdown". My thyroid had nearly stopped functioning altogether. That was my lowest point and my highest becasue it forced me to look at myself - I mean really look.

I got hormonal treatment (steroids and thyroid meds) from a doctor over the phone/internet because I'm so fearful of authority figures (doctors). I changed my diet based on tons of research I did on the internet. I gave up 37 years of smoking, drinking and caffeine.

Eventually my body started to feel better and I started to tackle my mind/spirit. Just a few months ago, I found an ACOA group (Adult Children of Alcoholics) and they have been my lifeline. It is like the siblings I never had.

This twelve step program has forced me re-think certain things in my life that have always been issues - a sense of safety in the world, a sense of peace and a sense of faith. These are things I never cultivated as a child. An ACOA kid cultivates a different set of characteristics based on the need to control his or her environment in order to make it a safer/saner place to be. We learn shut out any possibility of Divine intervention because we felt that God never rescued us when we needed it. We felt abandoned and betrayed by God and ultimately stopped considering him/her/it as having any relevance to our lives. We essentially became our own "gods" and extremely capable ones at that!

I am still working on these things and I have to re-remember every day that I'm working on these things - "one day a time" because I tend to want to forget about it and go "unconscious" again. When I go unconscious I don't do myself or anyone else any good at all. That's where my misery is.

I hope that we can both find some of that illusive peace on these boards. I have seen a twinkle of light now and I know it's there for us. You are not alone.

moonmaiden

[Anewme]

Thank you CEC for your words of support. My daughters are now 24 & 26 and we have been opening these doors together. I pray that they will seek the help they need because there has to be more to it than this. My oldest also has 2 daughters they are 2 & 4. I need to heal for myself and all of them.

[Anewme]

MoonMaiden - I appreciate your kindness and understanding. Thank you for reaching out in such a kind manner.