Performing - WorK Effort is Draining

[dshanks]

A few weeks ago I was in training for the job that I started 2 weeks ago. I suffered major anxiety attacks and as a result of that as well as 2 weeks of performing at 150 % I have lost about 7 pounds(the positive side of stress). I once again have realized that I have a hard time with being imperfect and really beat myself up about making mistakes. I move quickly and try to solve the problems with the machines I work with as quickly as possible , resulting in banging into things and getting bruised all over my body. This all stems from what I went thru that caused the PTSD. It is as though I have the abusers with me all the time telling me to move faster, not to make the stupid mistakes I do and to be better. It has gotten to the point that I don't even know where I got the bruises from. I am always afraid that my bosses will see I am not competent. It is almost like I know nothing but anxiety. The biofeedback session is not helping because I am not in the office where the relaxation technique was done. Instead I am on the front lines, as I like to put it. Hopefully it will get better with time. Any advice as to a better perspective? :eek:

[Seeking_Nirvana]

I'm not sure if I have any advice. But I do the same thing with bumping into things, and I have bruises all over my body that I have no idea where they came from. I do believe that paying attention is my problem. I'm so used to dissociating that it has caused clumsiness and memory problems.

I'm trying to make a conscious effort to me in the present moment "Here and Now" Not somewhere else to help me with this. However, it is taking me forever because it was a habit for such a long time.

I wish you good luck and want to tell you that I understand some of what your going through.

Take care
Tammy

[tude]

dshanks,

Starting and learning a new job is stressful. I remember when I started my current job (eleven years ago), it took a good nine months to be comfortable in my abilities. Even today, there are certain things I am not totally confident in because I just haven't done enough of them. It's unrealisitc to expect perfection and effeciency in a few weeks.

I once again have realized that I have a hard time with being imperfect and really beat myself up about making mistakes... It is as though I have the abusers with me all the time telling me to move faster, not to make the stupid mistakes I do and to be better...

This past year it was brought to my attention that I do still carry around old messages I received early in life. Those messages I give myself now... and for that I am responsible. I am slowly learning to unlearn that behavior. For me, that means acting and thinking the opposite. Easier said than done I must say. Decades of thinking my feelings are unimportant, can be ignored and neglected, minimized, or invalid just doesn't go away overnight.

I am not in the office where the relaxation technique was done. Instead I am on the front lines...

dshanks, I don't know anything about biofeedback. I do know anxiety. I do work on the front line. There have been times I have thought I crossed the line between brave and stupid to continue to work there. My symptoms are the result of working there. Yet I continue to work in the ER and face new traumas as I face the ones that haunt me. So, I also know that the relaxation techniques do work even in the least conducive situations. They have really helped me at work. When I am less anxious, I am more focused and less likely to make mistakes.

dshanks, changing thoughts and behaviors isn't easy. I have by no means perfected or mastered it. I am still learning and practicing- over and over and over again. I still have to remind myself I don't have to be perfect at this and settle for what little progress I've made.

Keep pluggin' along dshanks,
tude

[dshanks]

Thank you everyone for your support. Now I don't feel so alone.