Angry At Comment By Therapist "Do You Actually Want To Get Better"

[Awakening]

:mad::mad::mad:

Actually pissed off by entire session.

Scene One

Therapist: "Do you actually want to get better"

I feel that if she doesn't know the answer to that after two years then I have wasted my time.

Therapist: "I think you are scared of getting better"

WTF? To me this is some psychobabble.

Me: "I want to get better. It's possible I s'pose that subconsciously for some reason I don't want to get better, but I don't think so. I think I'm scared of talking about things but not scared of getting better"

Scene Two

Me: Explain at length about how for two years I've not done my job

Therapist (paraphrasing here as can't remember exactly what she said) "If that was true why would you still be there? How could no-one notice? Are you being too hard on yourself? You can't expect to be at the same level you once were. Concentrate on what you can do, not what you can't"

Me: I've gotten a way with it. I've covered my tracks. My manager is in another state. I'm a rep so everyone just assumes that when I'm out, I'm out doing my job. They don't think I'm home in bed. And I don't correct them.

Therapist: And what? You don't have to account for your whereabouts? Submit reports?

Me: Actually it's pretty lax and I've fudged where I've had too.

It was like she didn't believe me. Or that she thought I was being a perfectionist and exaggerating it. I so wish I was.

Scene Three

My therapist does this exercise nearly every week which I hate with a passion which involves me saying what I was pleased about this week.

Last week, she requested I purchase a new journal simply for recording what I notice that I'm pleased about during the week.

Therapist "Did you purchase a new journal"
Me "No - "
Therapist (roll of eyes) "Awakening..."
Me "No, I didn't purchase a new one because I happened to have a new one"
Therapist "And so where is it"
Me "I left it at work and haven't gone into work yet"
Therapist (barely audible) but mutters "Hmmm don't think you want to change your behaviours Awakening"

I hadn't gone into work yet, because I took a sleeping tablet that didn't work, then slept through my alarm and barely made it to my appointment with her.

And besides why do I have to write what I'm pleased about? I spend the rest of my week outside of therapy wearing a mask being positive and pleased, when I'm with her I want to talk about what I'm not pleased about. Then I have to rate it on a scale of one to ten. I'm mean really :rolleyes:

Scene Four

I was not aware of my anger at this stage but I probably was angry.

I can't remember how this goes exactly because mind left the body during it.

Therapist "Are you going to tell your parents about your uncle"

Me "Yes"

Therapist "And what are you going to say"

Me "I'm going to say that I have a weird memory about him that I'm talking to you about"

Therapist "And are you going to tell them you suspected he abused you?"

Me "No, I'm not saying that"

Therapist "Why not"

Me "Because I'm not sure of it"

So then there is this back and forth of questions, I'm saying alot of "I don't knows" and she's saying "Yes, you do know". Start giving a bunch of reasons.

I'm feeling pressured and say something like "I'm scared if I tell them he (uncle) will hurt me"

More challenges, questions from therapist, it's going very quickly, I'm getting a bit pissed off.

I start saying how it hurts me to talk about it, I'm talking pretty quick.

Therapist "So he hurt you, how did you hurt you" etc etc

Somewhere amongst all these questions I say something awful like

Me "Actually it hurts me to remember that some parts of it I think I liked, and now that I know what it was we were doing I feel disgusted in myself and that's why I don't want to tell anyone"

Therapist "Well finally Awakening. Finally. That is the first honest real statement I've heard come out of your mouth" (not sure if she meant ever or just this session)

Me crying "no, no no"

Therapist "It's actually a very common statement for abuse victims to make, that they feel shame at liking some part of it"

Me "Stop, don't, I don't want you saying it"

Therapist "Saying what? That a part of it you liked?"

Me screaming "I DON'T WANT TO TALK TO YOU ABOUT THIS"

Then I see black, mind leaves body. I haven't passed out, but have the freak out moment. Then I'm having to describe colour of the carpet, what's in the room, start breathing deeply etc.

In Summary

I'm angry that she asked me if I want to get better. I'm angry that she didn't listen to my work worries. I'm irritated beyond belief at the tedious task of doing what pleased me. I feel disgusted at what I said in scene four and I hate her for making me say it, yet if it's going to get me out of the depths of the despair I've been in and give me my will to live back, then hell I'll even do that if I must.

As disgusted and humiliated as I am to do so, I'm posting this here as opposed to my diary because I want feedback on this -

I've been extremely depressed lately and I don't want to go to work anymore (or do anything basically) but I feel she completely missed that. I felt like she was saying that I'm keeping myself 'unwell' and that she has not acknowledged just how much I'm suffering, and have been for a long time. I feel she thinks I'm exaggerating it.
Or has she deliberately attempted to piss me off in order to get me to 'confess' like I did in Scene Four?Honestly, if this is not the right therapist for me after getting to the point of trust and connection, I don't think I've got the energy to look for another one.

[Seeking_Nirvana]

Hi Awakening, First I want to say this based on some of the communications I've had with you. You need to take a long leave of absence if you can, so you have more time to work on yourself. This has to be done so find a way to do it.

When I was working I was so miserable and wanted to commit suicide 24/7 and told my doctor this feeling was related to working. Instead of him telling me to quit my job and work on myself, he told me to get electric shock therapy. I said "NO" and he quit giving me my meds and told me we have come to an impasse.

I left that doctor, got another one, then had a nervous breakdown. I quit my job, worked on myself more, and now I'm free of suicidal thoughts. A huge monkey of my back! I'm sure glad I didn't have that electric shock therapy because I healed myself of suicidal thoughts on MY OWN. Now if I went back to work full time I can almost bet they would creep back in because I'm not ready to work. I still have some things inside myself that need to be dealt with.

If only I would have quit my job when I told my doctor and everyone around me I couldn't handle it. I didn't listen to my internal instinct that was telling me I just couldn't handle it anymore. Just Quit!

As far as the molestation goes. I just admitted to myself I was molested even though I have no direct memory of who did it. I do believe it was my uncle and even if I find out the truth that it was in fact him there is no reason for me to confront him.

What benefit would that be for me? He would deny it and get angry. He won't apologize and tell me how sorry he is. I don't care because anything I say to him will not make a difference in how I handle myself today. I accepted it and I'm moving on. Maybe at some point I will remember more and I'm sure it will be disturbing, but I will work this out within myself and maybe ask my T for some help? Not sure? But from what I remember, which isn't a whole lot it's water under the bridge and it will not define who I am and neither will the rape that took place.

I still have flash backs, anxiety, and on rare occasions I have nightmares, but that is part of the process and I believe whole heartedly I will get healthy as long as I continue to work on this illness. If you believe this about yourself, and let go of that crap, you will get better too. But first, stop staying stuck in things you clearly can not handle right now. Take a long break and work on yourself only!

Take care
Tammy

[2quilt]

Awakening,
When you are sexually abused, you sometimes disassociate and your body reacts to the stimulus. You can't help how your body reacts. It is natural for your vagina to get wet and it's close to impossible for you to stop your body's reaction to touch. And, yes, it may feel good. We should not feel guilt or shame for how our bodies react naturally, but we do. I am sure that you and I are not the only ones who can admit that some of it felt good. That fact does not make us bad people. We are human, and it's just a fact that there are certain places on our bodies that react to touch whether we want them to or not. Your body's reaction does not mean that you condoned the abuse or that you asked for it.

[Cecilia]

Awakening:

Seven years ago I went to a therapist and I HATED her. She probed and probed until I blurted out that I was raped. This was in group therapy; at that moment I wanted to crawl under my chair and die. I hated her for that; but now I am better. That was my first breakthrough. Up until that point I had never verbally admitted to the abuse I had been hiding for 20 years.

The healing process hurts. Once it is out you can start working on your emotions, then you can start getting better, but it will be painful for a while.

Best wishes
Cecilia

[She Cat]

Awakening,

Although you feel that you may want a new therapist. The simple fact is...This one is doing their job. They are pushing you to be truthful with not only them but yourself. You have to face the unpleasant past in order to see a brighter future.

You can continue to lie to yourself and your therapist and stay where you are in recovery, or you can be honest and open and move forward. It's just a matter of what you really want.

I think she was correct when she asked if you wanted to get healthy.

When I first started therapy to ACTUALLY heal. ( I had been in therapy for years doing NOTHING) The first thing my therapist said to me was this, "A good therapist will walk you through the process. A GREAT therapist will know when you are lying and push you till you tell the truth." Don was a great therapist, I pulled NO SHIT with him ever. I was truthful, upfront and honest, no matter how painful it was.

I personally think that you have a great T. IMHO... I think you should stick with her.

[lrs]

Sometimes therapy, and getting better, is akin to walking through fire. I would encourage you to consider sticking with it.

[nic]

I think you should share your concerns with your T. Tell her what she said made you upset. Validate what you're feeling be being fully open with her.

But, at the same time, I think you need to decide what you really want to get out of therapy. If you want someone to just vent to or "shoot the shit" with, then that's okay, but just understand that it won't really do much for the PTSD. If your goal is to deal with underlying trauma, then it seems like this T is a good match (at least for now).

[anthony]

Sorry, but I agree with your therapist.... everything apart from the work stuff.... in that I don't know the full story nor really want to at this point as its not important to me.

You answered your own questions though.... you have been in therapy for two years and obviously your not doing as well as you think you are, in that your therapist can see your not opening up totally and not telling them the entire truth.

You admitted that you don't want to tell your parents the truth, even to be discovered whether true or false... you are stopping your own healing progress.... again, I agree with your therapist. There should be more off them who challenge their clients, not just agree with them and take their money. Well done therapist.... now your agitated and thinking about just how much you are holding back from them, from the world, from your own healing.

[lrs]

:thumbs-up
Walking through fire is a good thing. It's painfull, but by no means long lasting. Wait till tomorrow, see how you are feeling, and let us know.

[Grama-Herc]

I can recall when my T. asked me if I really wanted to get better. I got so pissed at him. But he finally walked me through the process. So it sounds like something they
all do.

[2quilt]

I have also been asked if I want to get better or am I there to just talk about fluff. It may sound like an insulting question, but it's a fair one. I was doing the equivalent of just sticking my toe in the ice cold water and talking about how I should dive in, but I had not done any more than the toe, because I knew that getting all wet would be shocking, painful, and it would take me a long time to get comfortable again, and who in the hell wants to dive into ice water? But therapy is like the ice water. If I really wanted to swim,(survive and better my life) I had to get wet, and while it would be Very Uncomfortable at first, if I kept moving around (working through the pain) it would become easier to tolerate after a while. Even if you are not the kind of person who dives in, get in to your ankles (be truthful about one single aspect of the trauma) with your T and keep breathing. Soon, your feet will be acclamated, and you can walk into the water up to your knees, and so forth. Keep moving forward with your T, talk about one small truthful portion of the trauma. Keep it in small portions so you don't get overwhelmed.
Therapy can be painful, and it's normal to want to avoid pain. But those of us who have been where you are now can tell you that you have to open up, tell the truth, write it down, talk about it, think about it, and cry about it to get the pain out of you. It's hard to do, honey. It's hard. But you have the strength to do it!

[Cindy]

Your T was just giving you a boot in the butt. I believe she was pushing you into the next steps. Sometimes we need to be dragged kicking and screaming to face our truths and misconceptions.

The challenge of "do you want to get better" is really a way to prepare you for the tough parts. It's a precurser to a radical move or shift.

Your anger is probably partly caused by fear, frustration, and guilt. Be angry, express it, do some free writing or journalling. Let it pour out, you will be amazed at the pieces that fall out when you are agitated. Some things you are totally unaware of.

It's a good step even though it feels like sh##.

Cindy

[Awakening]

Well initially I couldn't believe the responses I was getting here, felt slighted, pissed off and like whose side are you all on anyway.

But I'm over that now and thanks for all your posts.

However. Still suffering from the session. I don't feel up to typing much about it at this stage but I might later.

Good news. Saw a wonderful GP for the first time. Totally got it. Honestly, I was at the point where if she hadn't got it, or just thrown an AD prescription at me, I don't know what I would of done. All I can say is that I did not see beyond that appointment. (Interesting fact for those in Australia, there are some GP's that can do additional training in mental health which this one did and what a difference it makes. Found them on the beyond blue website).

I'm seeing the GP again in 3 weeks, and she has referred me to a psychiatrist to see if I have depression, anxiety or PTSD or something else entirely. This is something I've avoided doing for over 2 years.

As my GP said sounds like the pain has finally gotten too much for you, and you are actually ready to get to the bottom of it. So my long period of defenses and denial is not that unusual apparently.

So Awakening might actually be ready for an awakening after all.. fingers crossed.

[She Cat]

Awakening,

I wasn't going to respond to this, but changed my mind. Being a woman I can do that!

I really take offense to your statement......Well initially I couldn't believe the responses I was getting here, felt slighted, pissed off and like whose side are you all on anyway.

But I'm over that now and thanks for all your posts.

This isn't about taking sides.......You asked for feedback, did you not???? Then because you didn't like what we had to say, you got upset. Seems to me that if all of us and your therapist pretty much said the same thing then it would seem to me that it might be true, and you just didn't like hearing that. The truth can sometims be very painful, but once open to it, it can be very healing.

I really do hope that you can get past whatever it is that is stopping you from being open and honest with yourself. You will much improve when you finally do.

[2quilt]

I can understand Awakening's feelings of us taking sides because it's not what she wanted to hear. It's not easy to have the people around you, whose opinions you ask for and want to hear, that you need to face your trauma fears straight on. We are all telling her to do something very painful, which she does not want to do, and possibly she was looking for us to take a more gentle approach. Instead, we all told her to do the most difficult thing--be truthful about the traumas to yourself and the therapist.
I have felt the same way as Awakening did before she changed her mind. I felt like the whole world was against me. Yes, she asked us for our opinions, but didn't like what she heard.
It is sometimes hard to accept advice telling you to do something painful. She resisted that advice.
Now after some time to think about it, she has changed her mind.
PTSD is a difficult illness, but I am sure glad that Awakening is not giving up.

[Lisa]

Awakening

THis post touched a few raw nerves for me. I have been in the same position recently with my T, funnily enough... though he wasn't as brutal...

Not easy stuff what she put you through. I think some of it was worthwhile though... she pushed you pretty hard and it hurt you a lot, but you said some stuff I bet you've spent a long time trying to keep out of your head...

One thing is for sure... rightly or wrongly you feel her attitude towards you hurt you, and you need to bring it up with her in order to get past it. Else where do you and her go from there? Ask her, and she'll have to explain why she was so hard on you...I think you need to hear it from her, what her intentions were...

[Awakening]

I think I need to clarify my post.

I was pissed off by your posts initially. That is the truth of how I felt. I didn't want to hear it. I wanted to hear.. well I'm not sure exactly but something softer. I wanted to stay in my denial, stay in the cocoon. Actually if I'm being really honest I probably wanted sympathy.

I'm admitting to all that, this is part of me being honest - actually telling everyone my feelings. I could of posted Wow, thanks guys leaving out that I cracked it initially reading the posts. I wanted to be truthful to myself and others on here.

Then I realised you were on my side, you were supporting and each post was exactly what I needed to hear, perhaps not what I wanted to hear, but certainly what I needed to hear.

So despite my initial (defensive) reaction, after some time, and thinking about it, and suffering some more, and speaking to the GP, I realised the truth of what was written in the responses here. I'm grateful for the posts - you were all RIGHT and I was WRONG.

I would much rather an upfront and direct approach every time as opposed to pussy footing. Give it to me straight between the eyes, I might not like it immediately but long term I know what's good for me.

I got over my hissy fit in other words. I was asking for feedback, I got it and I didn't like it so got angry.

I'm totally agreeing with you Wendy.

Thank you 2quilt & Lisa, you get it. I felt like the whole world was against me and I needed to get over that attitude, and I have. I've also feed myself B.S. like no one will understand me, or no one gets it (which translates to no point trying because no one will get it, saves me having to do the hard yards)

I have to be truthful with my therapist and that means talk about the trauma. I've heard it a hundred times yet finally it's clicked for me. For two years I've been trying to avoid it or find another way around it. I've tried to resist this advice of talking directly, going through to the trauma for so long and I can't do it anymore because quite frankly I've become too ill. The pain has finally gotten too much.

I will also be honest about my feelings to my therapist. Just like on here I'm going to tell her that her question of 'do you want to get better' infuriated me. Normally I wouldn't. I'd sit on my anger silently seething until it had passed. Then I'd skip into session with the mask of I am Fine firmly fitted in place. Now I see the wisdom of her asking me that question. It was the right thing for her to do.

I've got heaps more to say, alot spinning around, but I'll leave it there for now. Basically there is a lot going on for me right now - in a nutshell I feel like I'm having a breakdown and a breakthrough at the same time.

[pandora]

A breakdown and a breakthrough all at once.....that makes so much sense and i can totally relate.

[anthony]

You hit on the head what this forum is about... not agreeing with one another, but giving it honestly... not providing sympathy. If people agreed with you, they are sympathising with you... that is how I see it. An awakening... I agree. You need to be told the truth about healing, and its not as pretty as you may think. It is a fear in itself, one you must be ready to face and move through to continue onwards, not backwards or round and round in circles.

Well done on your awakening.... awakening.

[Awakening]

I spoke to my Mum.

I told her that I'm not just dealing with depression or anxiety with my psychologist. That I've been to a GP. That I'm going to a psychiartist.

I told them about what really happened at 18. That it wasn't just sexual harassment, but it turned into an assault. She was relieved as she knew it was more but I would not discuss it at the time. She's glad I'm finally talking about it.

Finally, I told her about my uncle. I did not go into detail but I told her.

She was not surprised. She said he may have been capable of something like that due to his alcoholism.

I can't believe it. But I did it.

[2quilt]

I can't tell you how happy I am for you, Awakening! It was probably hard to do that, but opening communication is always the best thing to do. :clap:

[She Cat]

Awesome job Awakening........Well done, you should be proud of yourself for such a huge step.....

[Seeking_Nirvana]

I'm glad you had this breakthrough. Well done! I remember telling you that you were lying to yourself, based on one of your dreams you submitted a couple of months ago.

If you keep digging you will hit something. You may not like what you hit, but if you continue to dig around the issues and not hit anything, then there is just a big hole.

Good luck
Tammy

[Cecilia]

Awakening:

Great! That took a lot of courage. Good for you!

[kers]

Wow, you are amazing, Awakening! I'm glad you had the courage to share that with your mom.