Wife of Acute PTSD Husband

[lillyWA]

Hi everyone, my forum name is Lilly and my husband has Acute PTSD and possibly TBI. It's been rough. Iraq almost tore our marriage apart. As with all marriages there are things that BOTH people do. I work in an environment that deals with Substance Abuse in soldiers and vets so I know my enemy. Its been a great change and my husband is dealing with it better each day. He went from suicidal to now he's in a VA sponsered program going to get a degree and using his MGIB. I have a great job and things look good. I think I'm at the point of caregiver burnout. Its the hills and valleys that are bothering me. I have the ability to work and talk with people in the field so I know its depression and probably my own PTSD from dealing with my husband.

He was a very verbally abusive husband and I owned some of that. I became very insecure to the point that even now I dont want him to see my naked and our sex life for me is just fear of being called names! He really is a great person and it is a shame that this has torn his mind and soul apart. I know if I just hold out, (we've been married for 8 years) we are on the down hill battle. I put so much effort into protecting and healing everyone else that I lost myself. I gave him an ultimatum and honestly was hoping that he would leave. He could go to the college have girls, porn internet anything he wanted but me. His actions were telling me that, but again sometimes it really isn't about you. But its hard to deal with when your being called a bitch and done nothing wrong. I guess the hard part is to see him control himself around others and then sometimes so mean. Like I don't a part of the PTSD comes out for no reason and I'm the only target.

I really believe he is the best he has been since Iraq and he's fighting himself to survive. I just don't know if I can hold on for long. Love him to death but I'm seriously tired. from the soul out. its not the hills and valleys that bother me its the BIG valley then great day then Big valley its just exhausting. Women need to feel loved and secure not like walking on glass. I don't know figured maybe talking to some that have succeeded might give me some perspective. I feel like I have no support and didnt realized I needed it, this has been going on for 2 years we see the finish line, hang on.. but feel like the depression and anxiety is sucking the life out of me so much that its suffocating my love. any suggestions?

Thanks for reading
Lilly

[heartbroken]

Sorry to hear of your troubles. I'm in almost the exact same situation you are - and for the same reason. My husband came back from Iraq an entirely different person, and it took him two years before he would see a doctor about it. I understand being exhausted. Do you have children? I've found that, at least with my husband, it helps to get out and do something active that has nothing at all to do with the military. If we're at home he answers his work phone, watches tv all day, and plays video games that bear a striking resemblance to the situation that caused this in the first place. I bought a season pass to the zoo and we take the kids pretty frequently. That seems to help, at least temporarily.
The problem I'm having now is that, like you, I'm having trouble feeling like I'm worth anything. Of course this causes problems because I'm somewhat withdrawn and he thinks it's because I don't want to have anything to do with him.
I wish I knew what to tell you, but unfortunately if I knew the answer I wouldn't be venting on this forum every so often. Still, my thoughts go out to you and your husband. Hope things get better for both of you.

[Cowgirl]

First, YOU did not cause the PTSD. YOU do not control whether or not he blows up. You know that, but sometimes we need a reminder.

He blows up at you because it is safe to do so. In the outside world, horrible consequences follow bad PTSD actions. At home, where he is loved and safe, he can vent. And he doesn't leash it in because he doesn't have the energy to leash it in 24-7-365. You are home, and so you become a target. YOU are not the cause, the reason for the outbursts. You are on the receiving end because you happen to be there with him, and he does it at home because that is the only safe place to do so.

My DH would blow up at me, SCREAMING, because the Post Office was closed. He would scream that he was leaving me, he would get so upset. No, I am not the Post Office Goddess, in control of all things postal. It was not my fault that the Post Office does not have longer, more convenient hours. I was just there, someone to vent at. I was no more the cause of his blow up than, in truth, the Post Office being closed was the cause. The cause was MUCH deeper.

It is not personal. That is a key to remember. It is often very difficult NOT to take the yelling and the anger personal, and I think we all do sometimes, even when we intellectually understand that it is NOT all about US. Yes, he may use words like "bitch" in our direction, aimed at us, but even still, it isn't REALLY about us. Perhaps we should all make little plaques and hang them around our homes as a reminder "IT IS NOT PERSONAL."

So, then, how does one deal with it? Set boundaries. Take care of yourself. If he starts yelling at you and saying nasty things, LEAVE - go to the store, to the library, to a friend's home. Let him have time to vent alone, all by himself. Do so consistently. If he starts to launch, you can, after a while, try asking him not to vent at you. If he does again, leave again. Do so even if it is 10 pm, or 5 am. I keep a list in my purse of 24-hour stores within a 20 mile radius just for this purpose. Be completely consistent in always leaving when he starts irrationally yelling at you.

Make it clear that you love him. But be firm in setting boundaries for your own mental health. He may fear abandonment when you first start leaving. Reinforce that you love him, but be firm in your boundaries. You are a good, worthy person and you do not deserve to be called "bitch" or to be screamed at, etc.

You may be surprised in how his behavior changes. It has helped with my DH. Consistency pays off.

Buy him a punching bag and boxing gloves and encourage him to vent in a healthy manner while getting some healthy exercise. Tell him that when he is furious, you can accept that he needs to get it out, and he should pound the punching bag out in the garage, but if he screams at you, you're going shopping.

And don't neglect having a life. Be sure to keep up with your friends and don't neglect friendships because you are a carer. Don't let being a carer be so all-consuming that you forget to live. Pursue what you enjoy. Do you have hobbies or passions that you have let fall idle while you have been preoccupied with being a a carer? Get back involved! Is there something you always wanted to do or learn? Do it! You'll feel much better about yourself, and you'll be surprised how that affects all other aspects of your life, including your relationship with your DH.

It helps.

Cowgirl

[Nicolette]

Welcome to the forum Lilly.

Due to commitments my time on the forum is rather limited at the moment but I look forward to reading more of what you write in the future. Please take the time to read the information section if you can as you will find lots of useful information there.

[busy_wife]

I feel like I have no support and didnt realized I needed it, this has been going on for 2 years we see the finish line, hang on.. but feel like the depression and anxiety is sucking the life out of me so much that its suffocating my love. any suggestions?

Two years is a long time to deal with PTSD, I know because I have lived with my husband's PTSD for two years. Sometimes I feel guilty because I also think I have PTSD or depression from dealing with all of him medical conditions.