PTSD Abuse

[anthony]

It is often a symptom of PTSD to suppress memories, feelings and thoughts, and what better way than alcohol and substance abuse. When I say substance, that can vary from cigarettes to marijuana, to cocaine, speed or acid (heavier drugs).

Now, be honest, and fit yourself into one of the following three categories:

Use - having a little bit sometimes, small amounts occasionally.
Abuse - over indulgence sometimes, binge drinking.
Dependence - feel like you NEED to drink. May affect your life negatively.
Most sufferers of PTSD have denial of the problem, thus they often can't self reflect, though this is handy for family members to possibly identify whether they are abusing or dependant upon alcohol.

Personally, I have been through all three at one stage or another since my life turned around in directions I still struggle to comprehend, though I now sit in the USE category. I will use myself as an example to demonstrate what you may need to look for.

Use - This is pretty easy... either someone has one or two drinks, maybe a week, maybe a month, and that is all.

Abuse - This is they typical style of weekend binge drinking. You can suppress many things through working and keeping yourself busy, but when the time off comes around, you spend more of it drunk than sober, awaiting to go back to work again. I used to work and sleep, or drink and get drunk.

Dependence - This is when you start having a drink at lunch times, you NEED it to go to sleep at night, etc etc... that is dependence, regardless how you look at it. At one point for myself, I was drinking home brewed rum at 70% alcohol / per volume, and having atleast five of those per night to get to sleep, so if I dreamed I couldn't remember them.

Use is acceptable, especially for someone with PTSD. Abuse and dependence is nothing short on insane for us, and I have first hand experience with this. Alcohol is a depressant, and when you come down from the alcohol, depression sets in worse than ever.

[bennjamin]

is it common for someone to totally avoid / not need any booze or substances at all ?
One thing ive noticed in the past 3 years is that I can count the alchoholic drinks on one hand.
Im not trying to avoid life or submerge my sorrows in drugs... maybe life is worth just being alive :)

[anthony]

Well, I don't think avoiding / not needing alcohol is a bad thing at all. I think everyone concerned would he happier if your not drinking with PTSD, than are drinking. Nice work mate, and well done.

I also now only drink very very little... maybe a few light beers on a hot hot day, which isn't often... maybe once or twice a month, maybe! Good stuff Ben, good to see others not relying on it to suppress... considering it is such a depressant.

[piglet]

is it common for someone to totally avoid / not need any booze or substances at all ?

This is me too. I have a couple of theories on this (surprise surprise - seems I do far too much thinking for my own good!)

I was put off smoking and alcohol having been forced to visit dying relatives in hospital who were there through smoking or drinking. Not a pleasant experience, but I guess it had the effect my parents were looking for.

On top of that, I can't stand the possibility of losing control if I am drunk. This has, in fact never happened - I'm unfortunately one of those people who can get totally plastered, yet still remember exactly what I and everyone around me did. This kind of defeats the object of getting drunk to forget!!!

I also have a fear of being physically sick, having been reprimanded for being ill when I was younger - ruins the sheets apparently (how unfair is that on a kid?).

I also have a need to be able to run like hell if the need arises.

Anyway, as you can probably guess, I am usually the designated driver whenever I actually take the risk to go out anywhere. My friends accept that I will give them a lift in, but if it's a late night in town, everyone gets there own way home. This means that I can leave if/when I need to without feeling bad about abandoning my friends.

I'm really just a control freak!

[YoungAndAngry]

I am fighting dependancy right now... if I could change it to abuse, I know I could get it down to use. Just like piglet I think I'm a control freak... I've quit addictions before, it's just that PTSD makes it friggin insane and impossible at times.

[anthony]

It has to be done though, especially if you want to cope with PTSD. It hurts to face things without something to suppress it, but alcohol is most definately not the answer. There is nothing wrong with having a beer or two each day, but that is the limit for someone with PTSD IMHO. I changed after ridding alcohol that much, I noticed it and couldn't deny it to myself. I would be drunk most of the time, trying to suppress everything, but it was making things worse, and I know that now.

Still now, sometimes when I am having a rough trot, I want to just go get sloshed and wipe it all from me, but I know that the problem will just be waiting for me to sober up, so I just say stuff it now, and work my own way through things, in my own time. Alcohol tends to keep a denial facet around within oneself with PTSD, which we really can't afford to do... from my experience anyway. I have mates who are still dependant upon alcohol, and are depressed daily, suicidal, angry, agressive, etc etc etc, but they know they have PTSD, and they know its not a solution, but they refuse to change. They aren't doing very well... to say the least.

[YoungAndAngry]

no, it's not an alcohol dependancy... but I hear what you are saying

[Kerrie-Ann]

I concur with Anthony's opinion that alcohol is not the solution. I observed his drinking habits to suppress the impact of PTSD and it was not pretty. Something else I have noticed with Anthony because he rarely drinks now, if he has a binge session (which he does occasionally) he is ill for days afterwards. He will tell you, as he has me, that it is not the alcohol but the crowds (etc) that create the aftermath. Perhaps it is a combination of both but the alcohol (which is a depressant) really tends to mess with him. My preference would be that he never touched the stuff again - ever!! He really becomes so ill that he cannot function for the minimum of a day, usually requiring a 24 hour period of rest and sleep to tackle the worst of it.

[YoungAndAngry]

I smoke joints to deal with my daily anxiety, I find it's the only thing that can calm me down. Since I have tried to quit smoking weed, I have noticed that I have been getting drunk instead...

it's just so hard to deal with real life sometimes, and I'm afraid to tell my counselor about my habits because they will just associate any of my problems with drug use. But I don't smoke before Doctor appointments and I try to wait until after supper to smoke my first joint.

[anthony]

Lots of people with PTSD use pot to help with the problems. I don't think your counsellor would be shocked actually, if she knows well enough about PTSD. She probably already knows, and is just waiting for you to say it.

[YoungAndAngry]

you are probally right, I'm sure my Doctors have some idea

I recently told my counsellor about my prevous addiction to Tylonel 3 and 4. Luckily I was able to control my addiction on my own, I was a rare case I guess.

Pot is bad for you... but it seems to be the only thing that can stabalize me... it helps with the nausua and oddly enough seems to help me concentrate on one thing. THat and smoking are my two addictions (i don't even drink coffee)

[anthony]

Everyone with PTSD has something to help control it, and there are a known quantity of things which do that, for example:

Pot (acceptable)
Cigarettes (acceptable)
Drugs (not acceptable)
Alcohol (acceptable in small amounts)
Medications (acceptable in required prescribed limits)
etc etc
There are things that are just known to those with PTSD that help control the symptoms. From my point of view, if it works, do it, but as long as a user is doing it within acceptable limits.

Pot usage where a person smokes one or two joints a day, I would see as acceptable. If a person where smoking the stuff from when they got out of bed, and then using during the day and night, I would say that is unacceptable. The same would be said for someone who uses nicotine... if the are smoking what is "normal" usage of cigarettes, that would be ok, but if they are chain smoking, then that would not be ok.

I guess how I see it from what I know about it, is that there is a use and abuse. I know people, and did this myself, with the prescribed medications, where I was prescribed "x" amount, and abused it to exceed the prescribed amount because it wasn't working at those levels. The reason I never said anything to my doctor, is that he said first, if I need 40+mg of lexapro daily, then I am bordering being locked up. Whilst I needed it for a short time, I am now medication free... though use cigarettes in an acceptable dosage to help keep me calm. About 10 - 15 per day. Alcohol, barely touch it nowadays. I might binge twice a year, if that, and that is generally only when someone invites me out on the town for a night. Even then, I still don't drink anywhere what I used to when going out for the night.

When PTSD had control over me, it was nothing to spend $300 a night when I went out on alcohol. Now, I might spend $100, and that is only because you pay $5 a beer generally, or $7 a spirit.

You have to really be honest with yourself I think, in that if you "use" something to help keep PTSD under control when your still working through the issues, then that is quite acceptable, but if you abuse, then that is not, and you would need to take action to reduce your dependance upon it.

[YoungAndAngry]

Today I told a doctor about my pot usage...
and you were right... she wasn't suprised at all,
she just told me that I should be very very careful about my use... she doesn't want me to have to fight an addiction as well, so I think even that Doctor would agree with your above post about acceptable use vs. abuse.

Gotta love it how pot is almost legal here in Canada,
I think people are starting to recognize it's medicinal benifits
... when used in moderation of course
It's just so nice to be able to openly discuss it with health care professionals
without being labeled as a drug addict.

[anthony]

You really wouldn't surprise anyone who deals with PTSD regularly... you will find they have pretty much heard it all. For those that have only dealth with a handful of cases, that could be another thing, but any professional who has dealt with it over years, they generally already know, or can guess the parts you miss out. My doctors where brutally honest, as they have been dealing with this for 30+ and more years some of them.

[lizagirl]

I have been every level of dependance...sometimes a drink or two out with friends, sometimes going weeks without drinking and then a weekend spent binging on anything with a % sign on it. I spent weeks plastered because the world scared me too much. When I drank I felt better, I was alive, I felt good, I wanted to be near happy people...I wanted to laugh again, even if it was false, I wanted something to break up the monotony of sadness that my life had become. I was surrounded by people, family, friends...but it would not kill that lonely feeling, it could not murder that sense of separateness I felt everytime I looked outside myself. Strangely enough I could not do drugs they made me limp, non existant, a large lump of nothingness stuck in my head. I felt that everyday...why would I take a pill to make me feel it again? I was escaping those things through alcohol...what I did not understand at the time was that the people I was with were doing the same thing. But I still go out to feel alive again...is that strange? Knowing these things full well and still finding comfort in them? They are familuar to me, a blanket.

[anthony]

Hi Liza,

I think its a bit of a fine line myself, in that you get people who are against alcohol altogether, and those that are nothing more than drunks. When you have PTSD, alcohol becomes a method to suppress trauma, which is why it generally is off no real value. Is it wrong to drink? I don't think so... hell, who wants to die from boredom? People have to make their own decisions, and it generally differs across age groups, in that the younger you are, generally the more suceptible to drinking you are, with peer group pressure. As you get older, most tend to settle down a bit more, and drink less. If you drunk before PTSD, then the problem generally gets worse with PTSD.

The problem with drinking in excess with PTSD, is alcohol is a depressant, so if your hit hard by depression and depresive thoughts, suicide, etc etc, then alcohol must be taken out of your social calender. If not, then I see no reason why a person can't have a social drink. Use, Abuse, Dependence! Use is fine, Abuse is binge drinking, which just isn't healthy, and dependence generally equates to use and abuse, and you can't make it through the day without alcohol, whether a person realizes it or not.

[lizagirl]

I have only recently learned to find the triggers (relationship difficulties, work or lack of). Sometimes it is hit and miss, can't be perfect can we? Anger, frustration brings it on sometimes. As you said Alcohol is a depressant, I was counting on it, something to dull what I was feeling, anything, for a brief reprieve, I used to jog, cycle, feel the wind burn my face on a warm day. I can walk which makes me grateful everyday. My youth could not save me in the end so I had to settle for fortitude, it is what saves me today, so again, I am grateful...but I wish to feel what I used to feel. My therapist tells me that I have a wonderful opportunity to see life differently, and it will not always be beautiful or as peaceful as those days I used to have. She said the future is there for a reason, to move in a different direction, the lucky ones are the ones who recognize it, even with two "good" legs

[happydaze]

I fell head first into addiction in a matter of months. It did not think about it at the time, after all I'd survived hadn't I? That is the most important thing wasn't it? As so, I could only bring myself to assess.
I could not sit up,nor could I lay down without the swirling mental turmoil in my head, of which I could not summon any control,nor relief,and after previously thinking myself a strong person,and I was(once.) But now,
the rushes of extreme adrenaline,as if I were on a roller coaster came. I could not cry,nor could I laugh. And no matter how much I reassured myself that I had at least lived thru it...the images of the cold bluntness of the pistol held to my temple kept returning out of nowhere with all its promise to bringing death. Each time,I shuddered at how close I'd come,and questioned how I'd managed to survive,then I tried to reassure myself, that it had to have been due to my having survived the many extreme incidents in my childhood,somehow wanting to give justifiable reason for it all,yet here I was.
Counseling? Why? I am alive! I just couldn't think nor face anything else,then.
I was in survivor mode,and yet I was scared to death of dying,and very afraid of living.
So with alcohol being a known depressant, and readily available, I indulged freely. Same w/Xanax or any other anxiety reducing drug(a depressant)...I had to have some kind of relief,even if it was self-medicated,or else I couldn't nor wouldn't have gotten thru it. The relief it(alcohol) brought was kind of like temporarily dying,yet coming back to life,once I'd slept it off,and so the cycle began.
I was all alone in this thing...my marriage had ended as a result,and it just so happened that the office where I had worked closed shortly thereafter this insanity all began. I was transfered to a new town many miles away from the scene of the crime(at the time,I thought it to be a godsend.) It was 4 years before I sought couseling,and went into a treatment center. I was never comfortable with any of it...but managed to get sober and quite temporarily
brain-washed with the AA program for 2 years...,when I relapsed back into drinking. It has been an off again on again thing for me ever since. I did not cry for ten long years,nor did I date the opposite sex for ten long years,because it seemed repulsive to me. I finally married again, and have been for 10 yrs. and now with two kids later...Today,I know that I am better,than I was in the beginning,after the trauma.
I still feel like the "odd man (person) out" most of the time,because no one can really understand,unless they've lived it.
Only one counselor (a unlicensed but well informed therapist in PTSD) has helped me understand from where I'd come...with AA it is all about the booze...and nothing else,with doctors it is either no pills or only pills,etc.
At one time,the day that I no longer carried my gun vigilantly was a day for celebration for me,when I called and told my mother...Of course she tried to understand,but I knew she was just going along with me to my frustrated mind...I wanted more from her. I needed more,and it was then that I understood what the old timers had meant by saying "it is a root hog or die world,"and "if you don't help yourself no one else will."
In the mean time, I doubted that most could hack what I'd lived thru/with the (unnamed to me)turmoil I lived with daily in my head,and I felt those things were outside of me,and that I had no control. Actually, I did not. I wanted back what I'd lost and they had.
I saw myself being jealous of the happy go lucky,and of those who'd never
been exposed to the demons of complete soul sickness,as I.
I thought,I used to be happy go lucky...why should they get off scott free?
It was a very bad time in my life...being so caught up in such a downward unpredictable spiral...but it is still not over,and I am convinced now,that it never will be completely over. I live with it,is all.
I have only hit on the tip of the iceberg here, regarding my journey thru hell,as most on here can easily fill in the blanks without my telling them,but I am now convinced that after twenty years of struggle since...that one never completely recovers but only learns to live with it,and cope with all of it,as best as one can.
It is crazy how the thoughts of suicide had/have often crept in...with so much desire to survive involved. Yet as long as it is a just a thought,(as I've been told) ...then that is all it is (a thought.)
I can take comfort in this forum for I know,that I am not alone. The next time I go out, I will remember that.

[anthony]

Hi Happy Daze,

welcome to the forum, and wow... a pretty indepth inspiring post. I must say, I related with some things you said in there like they were just yesterday. I think I have learnt enough to now live with it, as I guess you well know, the suicidal thoughts are challenging, but the inspiring words you highlight, being they are just thoughts, is exactly what I kept telling myself to get through the hell.

I am so glad that you found us, and that we are able to read and get some insight into your experience. It is inspiring to read others success, even though they have battled so hard to get it, at the end of the day, it is a definate success. I congratulate you Happy Daze for your hard work, persistent efforts and achieving a better life.

I think I learnt to come to terms with PTSD being around forever nearly a year ago now, and I just accept it as that, and work with it, instead of against it, as it just seems so much easier.

I can relate to you about the alcohol, as I have mentioned here before about some of my years with it, and basically wrecked a good few years of my life because of it, and other factors. I learnt to get myself off it, which was pretty tough at the time, but now I look back upon it, it seemed pretty easy compared to some parts of PTSD.

I always wondered about addiction though, regardless what type. You can say to a qualified professional, "I have ten beers per night, but I don't need those beers, as I can go without them if I want too", at which point you will be told your not an addict, yet; if you said "I have ten beers per night, and I must have them or I can't sleep", you would be classed as an addict to alcohol.

One of the spouses upon the PTSD course I did, had to have two drinks of scotch every night before she went to bed, to help calm her nerves and help her sleep, which she stated was because of the stress she endured from her husband with PTSD. I actually raised this point at the time, that this would actually classify her as an addict to alcohol, as she can't function without it, yet she denied that aspect to herself. Interesting thought process I thought to myself.

[happydaze]

Anthony, thank you for your reply.
It has been many years for me in this struggle,and I have researched much... in attempt to improve my lot. It seems to me the sooner one gets help,or is able to accept it/help the better for the sufferer of PTSD.
I wish you well, and suppose that your hope in leadership will continue in helping other walking wounded souls,as yourself.
I have tried with all earnestness to understand persons on the other side,who live with us(others/normal not PTSD persons.) I can empathize but cannot see beyond from where I am to take it in. Sometimes it seems to me,that they may be hurting to an extent,but not to the point I can understand. I guess because of the differences in extremes:
Some souls are hurt to the point of no return,while others are hurt to the point of return is the difference.
Oh well, it is always my wish for all to be well,but reality in this life is for it not to be so.
Acceptance is the only thing I can do. If I do not accept things in life... on lifes terms,then I cannot be at all happy.
Love,tolerance,and acceptance are my only saving graces.

[anthony]

I know exactly what your saying happydaze. I think we will not so much struggle with other people, but we will always struggle in regard to opening up to others who don't truly understand PTSD. Someone asked me once when I wasn't so well to explain it, and all I could say, is that I couldn't, because they would never understand. I did say, if you think of cancer, you can explain what it is, where it is, and the known factors that go with cancer, but PTSD... where does one start! Its not something you can tell someone who is interested, over a cup of coffee, not if they want to know detail, because it would take a person months of constand query and time to process the thought, to return each answer.

I seen a light, and shot towards it. After being with others who have PTSD, I showed them, some shot towards it... so he we are, now showing the light to even more... who now have to make a choice, get better or believe you can just live with it the way it is. I like your analogy, "Love, tolerance and acceptance", well said.

[bob]

Hi guys

Anthony/happydaze I can relate to your problems with alcohol, I'm struggling with it myself and have been for some years. If I could just limit myself to one or two drinks it might be OK but I simply can't. Once I start I can't stop. Even if I can limit myself I find it does me no good, even a small amount can make me very depressed. Large amounts often make me suicidal. I've admitted to myself and other people that I have a problem but it's so hard to stop. I need to stop as I have pain coming from my liver area after drinking, surely not a good sign. I have got into the habit of coming home from work and opening a beer, a habit that's very hard to break. For me the only good amount of alcohol is no alcohol.

Cannabis on the other hand, I find a small amount can be helpful. As someone else mentioned, small amounts can help me to concentrate on one thing. Too much is a bad thing, it leaves me paranoid and feeling isolated.

[annafennutchi]

Y&A, I am fighting the same battle you are right now. I have been smoking since I was 12 and it has always been the only thing that made me feel "normal". The big problem is that if I ever get busted, I could loose my whole carreer. So, I have been trying to work a 12 step program, but have had little faith in those programs. I want to be clean, but I also don't like to feel crazy all the time, so I still smoke.
I have a good friend who I work with and is a recovering addict and he is very encouraging. He always knows if I've been trying to get clean, and fail. It helps to have someone you are held accountable to.
I still want to get high, though.:smoking: :naughty:

[annafennutchi]

I want to add that I am dealing with the dependancy on pot. I really want to deal with things on my own, but after so many years of not doing so, it's hard to see that you can. I have gotten my habit under control to the point where I only smoke in the evenings as opposed to as much as possible, but I am still working.
I know it's not an easy battle, but I am trying. I wish anyone who is also fighting that battle lots of luck, and any support I can lend, I will be glad to.
God bless you all!

[GR-ass]

I cut. It's my little addiction, and trust me when I say it is as hard to give up as drinking or smoking.
I found that if I cut it pushes the memories away. It also feels so good. I don't expect anyone to understand what would bring me to press a rasor to my flesh deep enough to bleed, but I'll try.

When I cut, the pain is a pure rush. It hurts, depending on where I cut it can (pardon the pun) kill. It feels better then sex, better then anything I have ever tried. It makes everything clear again. Of course, I then have to come down from my rush.
I can get to a week or two with out cutting, but if I cave the damage I do is bad.

I'm at the week mark now, and the need to cut is bad. I have a contract written up and the fact that I gave my word is the only thing stopping me at the moment. :runs screaming:

I'm sitting at the computer shaking, I have feeling like cutting is controlling me. Of course the shakes could be from the fact I haven't eaten all day.